I took a shot at writing a story of my own!

[JenniferSmithJones]

I've lurked on the site for ages, finally signed up. And ... I took a shot at writing a story of my own! I have been knocked out completely at the response, even this early after "going live" with it!

Thank you, all!

https://www.literotica.com/s/descent-into-bitterness

 

[THBGato]

Congrats!

 

[TheLobster]

I have been knocked out completely at the response, even this early after "going live" with it!

Yup, that’s Loving Wives for you. Congratulations for taking the plunge!

 

[AlexIce]

I still remember the day my first story got published. You always remember your first. Congratulations!

 

[MelissaBaby]

A very credible first effort.

A few notes, if you don't mind:

1/ It's the most common adage in writing; Show, don't tell. For example, when the police come- You tossed away an opportunity for a lot of dramatic emotional impact by just telling us what happened, instead of giving us an actual scene.

2/ Think of pacing. I'd bust up some of those blocky paragraphs. (This is something I was guilty of in my early work).

Example:

"NOT MY PROBLEM!" I shouted. "And if you don't get out now, you're going to have a lot bigger problems than public nudity. GET OUT!" They were still looking at me, naked, clutching their clothes in their hands, hesitant to be exposed in public. Even worse for them, it was summer vacation, and there were a lot of kids out playing, etc. "Get out, or I'll shoot the bunch of you and tell the cops I caught you raping my wife." I saw their faces pale.

Or maybe this? (I haven't changed a word)

"NOT MY PROBLEM!" I shouted. "And if you don't get out now, you're going to have a lot bigger problems than public nudity. GET OUT!"

They were still looking at me, naked, clutching their clothes in their hands, hesitant to be exposed in public. Even worse for them, it was summer vacation, and there were a lot of kids out playing, etc.

"Get out, or I'll shoot the bunch of you and tell the cops I caught you raping my wife."

I saw their faces pale.

And, at least on Lit, the generally used way to indicate a scene break is with stars, not a dotted line.

This:****

Rather than this: -----------

You'll notice that in one place (at least on my browser) the dashes overlap into the next line.

 

[JenniferSmithJones]

A very credible first effort.

A few notes, if you don't mind:

1/ It's the most common adage in writing; Show, don't tell. For example, when the police come- You tossed away an opportunity for a lot of dramatic emotional impact by just telling us what happened, instead of giving us an actual scene.

2/ Think of pacing. I'd bust up some of those blocky paragraphs. (This is something I was guilty of in my early work).

Example:


Or maybe this? (I haven't changed a word)




And, at least on Lit, the generally used way to indicate a scene break is with stars, not a dotted line.

This:****

Rather than this: -----------

You'll notice that in one place (at least on my browser) the dashes overlap into the next line.

Noted, thanks!

 

[TiberiusPrime]

I've lurked on the site for ages, finally signed up. And ... I took a shot at writing a story of my own! I have been knocked out completely at the response, even this early after "going live" with it!

Thank you, all!

https://www.literotica.com/s/descent-into-bitterness

I'm about to read it, but I love the title.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Amazing feeling, seeing one’s first! Congratulations.

 

[TiberiusPrime]

I've lurked on the site for ages, finally signed up. And ... I took a shot at writing a story of my own! I have been knocked out completely at the response, even this early after "going live" with it!

Thank you, all!

https://www.literotica.com/s/descent-into-bitterness

Ok, good story, but bad ending. Not bad in the way it happened, but in how quickly you handled it. To me it felt very rushed and that kind of ruined the story for me. Overall, though, very good effort.

 

[lovecraft68]

A woman bad story will never go wrong in LW.

Congrats on breaking the ice, now keep it going.

 

[Dearelliot]

Great story, loved it except the ending...I kept hoping he'd go back...I knew a few, they didn't.

I'm one of those ol guys who always want a happy ending.

 

[JenniferSmithJones]

I continue to be utterly knocked out at the reactions, good and bad; the number of views, and even the depth of emotion the haters display. What's really funny is those saying the story _supports_ cheating; which it seems to me tells a lot more about those respondents than it says about the story itself. But the views are going through the roof, the comments keep coming, good and bad. Good enough for me!

 

[SmokingFap]

I continue to be utterly knocked out at the reactions, good and bad; the number of views, and even the depth of emotion the haters display. What's really funny is those saying the story _supports_ cheating; which it seems to me tells a lot more about those respondents than it says about the story itself. But the views are going through the roof, the comments keep coming, good and bad. Good enough for me!

Your comments are always going to come through the lens of the reader. Their personal biases and even their mood at the moment they read your story. Especially in that category, a lot of people will read your story knowing full-well ahead of time that they will hate it, just so they can write a hateful comment about it. Or maybe they'll just hate it based on the category and the title. You may welcome constructive criticism, or you can toss it in the trash. Just write what you like and enjoy seeing it published.

 

[Gamblnluck]

I continue to be utterly knocked out at the reactions, good and bad; the number of views, and even the depth of emotion the haters display. What's really funny is those saying the story _supports_ cheating; which it seems to me tells a lot more about those respondents than it says about the story itself. But the views are going through the roof, the comments keep coming, good and bad. Good enough for me!

I made a comment after I read the story. I'll repeat part of that here. You wrote a solid story that fit in LW. Many of the authors here hate to see a successful story there because they cannot get one to work. They cannot seem to fit with the what the readers want. Instead they blame it on 'one-bombs'. But if you look at the stories and see what kind of stories rate in the 2's and low 3's, you still get the picture of what the readers like.
Many here want to tell a reader 'fuck you. I'll write what I want and if you don;t like it, it is your problem.
Your worst comments was the MC died. Death is not a good way to end it. But your MC did not really commit suicide like some said. He simply gave up and let the booze take him. He tried to escape a life he found intolerable due to his own principles. Even his own parents seemed to accept things he could not. He was the product of infidelity. You captured the man's angst well. and his reaction.
Was he self-destructive? Yep. But he stood fast. Why he could not move on was not the real question. He could not. Not when faced with every person around him telling him what he perceived as unacceptable to be okay and it was his problem he could not accept it.
He really did not try to regroup and find another path. That failure was his.
You wrote the story. Let's see what you do next.

 

[Gamblnluck]

Oh I will add that your got below a 4 as a score,(it deserved better) for one simple reason. Your MC died. Had he gone down to the depths of despair and somehow pulled himself out, your score would have been far better. LW readers like to see justice. But they also want that happy resolution, for the MC to survive or at least have hope of a better life. It might not happy for everyone, but is should be meaningful.

 

[pink_silk_glove]

You always remember your first.

I vaguely remember my first. I recall it being underwhelming.

 

[JenniferSmithJones]

I made a comment after I read the story. I'll repeat part of that here. You wrote a solid story that fit in LW. Many of the authors here hate to see a successful story there because they cannot get one to work. They cannot seem to fit with the what the readers want. Instead they blame it on 'one-bombs'. But if you look at the stories and see what kind of stories rate in the 2's and low 3's, you still get the picture of what the readers like.
Many here want to tell a reader 'fuck you. I'll write what I want and if you don;t like it, it is your problem.
Your worst comments was the MC died. Death is not a good way to end it. But your MC did not really commit suicide like some said. He simply gave up and let the booze take him. He tried to escape a life he found intolerable due to his own principles. Even his own parents seemed to accept things he could not. He was the product of infidelity. You captured the man's angst well. and his reaction.
Was he self-destructive? Yep. But he stood fast. Why he could not move on was not the real question. He could not. Not when faced with every person around him telling him what he perceived as unacceptable to be okay and it was his problem he could not accept it.
He really did not try to regroup and find another path. That failure was his.
You wrote the story. Let's see what you do next.

BINGO! His death was his own fault, for just giving up on everything. Her cheating was her fault. When people get hit by something like this, there is no telling how it is all going to work out. I try to write stories about people doing human things, good and bad. No one is all good, no one is all bad, and what happens in the middle is life. Or death, when someone gets hit like the MC did. Not everyone goes on to marry a hot supermodel and become an oil-company tycoon.

 

[JenniferSmithJones]

I vaguely remember my first. I recall it being underwhelming.

Perhaps, but I bet you kept on trying, didn't you?

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Perhaps, but I bet you kept on trying, didn't you?

Ten stories later - still underwhelming but still at it. ; )

 

[JenniferSmithJones]

Ten stories later - still underwhelming but still at it. ; )

Oh! You meant _stories_!

My apologies, it was just too good a line to pass up!

 

[pink_silk_glove]

Oh! You meant _stories_!

My apologies, it was just too good a line to pass up!

Hah! : P

 

[SimonDoom]

Congratulations.

I read stories at this site for over ten years before publishing my first one. It's a good feeling. Keep at it.

 

[JenniferSmithJones]

Good Heavens! In two days, 17k+ views, picked up 65 followers (from zero), and a 3.8 average rating, 140+ comments, good and bad. I'm beyond stoked! I know I probably sound like a broken record, how many times can you keep saying you're knocked out by the response? Yes, many here have stats that dwarf these numbers, but still? Holy flying Carp packed to the gills on methamphetamine, Batman!

Like it or hate it, thank you all!

 

[TheLobster]

Oh! You meant _stories_!

My apologies, it was just too good a line to pass up!

Now I wonder if there be any young and unlucky person here whose first time publishing a story on Lit was before that other first time...