Feedback, for this one, please

[SwordChick]

https://www.literotica.com/p/to-the-wholly-go-lightly-tat-girl

 

[SwordChick]

also, please

https://www.literotica.com/p/doing-time-4

 

[Angeline]

So I read both your poems. I preferred the first poem because it has more poetic elements: an intriguing title, the nice rhyme on the last two lines and that final metaphor. It also could use some editing. Lamps don't have fire nor does the moon and the moon and stars comparison edges toward both cliche and hyperbole. Still it's an articulate bit of writing. You're facile with words.

"Doing Time" isn't quite so developed though it has a few interesting images and a well stated conclusion that introduces and clarifies the main idea of the poem.

Maybe do some reading here on the forum. You'll find a much wider variety of poetry and IMHO more quality poems. Maybe try your hand at traditional forms or non-erotic poems. Just my opinion but I think you'd do well.

Hope this helps!

 

[SwordChick]

So I read both your poems. I preferred the first poem because it has more poetic elements: an intriguing title, the nice rhyme on the last two lines and that final metaphor. It also could use some editing. Lamps don't have fire nor does the moon and the moon and stars comparison edges toward both cliche and hyperbole. Still it's an articulate bit of writing. You're facile with words.

"Doing Time" isn't quite so developed though it has a few interesting images and a well stated conclusion that introduces and clarifies the main idea of the poem.

Maybe do some reading here on the forum. You'll find a much wider variety of poetry and IMHO more quality poems. Maybe try your hand at traditional forms or non-erotic poems. Just my opinion but I think you'd do well.

Hope this helps!

It does, many thanks