Zarina the Dominatrix by me, Serena Steele Monroe

[SerenaSteeleMonroe]

This is my first story, and I'd love to hear what you think about it, Zarina the Dominatrix.

As a new writer here, I'm interested in hearing what writers and readers think about this story.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first story. Hopefully it's the first of many.

I'm going to write some thoughts on what I read, but these are probably more musings on your style than they are flat out critiques. Not everything in this story was specifically for me, and that's okay, but these are my impressions.

BNWO is a controversial topic. If I've learned anything about it, it's that everyone has a different interpretation of what it means and some of those interpretations are quite extreme and unsettling. Here, you've gone with a much more relaxed version of the fantasy - a bit of black woman worship and occassional talk of reparations - the tale wouldn't be much different and would still work if the dominatrix was a white woman and there was no raceplay. To the extent that I wonder if labeling it as BNWO will scare more people off that would have enjoyed it.

Regarding the domination aspect, the story kind of lives in that fantasy realms of BDSM where mistresses instantly know telepathically every desire their sub has and a sub is a sub is a sub always, even when they are just out feeding ducks. I tend to prefer my characters and stories to have some existance outside of the BDSM play - to have lives that are not completely governed by - here, although the subs real life is hinted at - we get straight down to her bossing him around. There is of course a strong element of fantasy here - I'm kind of reminded of those episodes of Star Trek where the crew time travel to modern day California and marvel at how much of a freak everyone is - but I'm sure that even on the West Coast professional dommes with riding crops don't go up to random park-walkers and drag them back to their dungeon. But in fantasy, that's fine.

However, there are moments that give me pause. The domme accosts Jeff, tells him he'll have to pay and he's suddenly handing out $2000 plus baby-sitting fees. It's established that he has main custodianship of three young daughters but not exactly how well off he is - and given that we don't know anything about either person outside of playtime, it's hard to put this into context. It feels like it might be genuinely abusive, but it's not clear. Obviously, it's not really up to sex workers to ensure that their clients can really afford their their services, but because she's doing the running in this story... (I'm not saying it's an issue either way - a single line of 'I'd promised little Macy riding lessons, but I guess she won't be getting them now' or 'I'd just sealed the deal of the century and had money burning a hole in my account' lets us know what the deal is.

Most of the story is well written but there's one paragraph where you have 'Don't bad for insipid worm' and then 'Good sat nads' in quick succession.

It's a truism in writing that you can make a million years pass in four words or you can spend a whole chapter describing five seconds of action. Still you have the character count to 378 (about six minutes at a second a number) in the space of a line right in the middle of the action. Surely more was happening while he was counting?

It's also noticeable that the character cums but then almost immediately we're onto orgasm denial (in terms of reading speed even if an indeterminate amount of time has been spent pussy eating) It doesn't feel like the character should be out of their refractory period yet.

You also have the domme 'disappearing' twice in successive paragraphs.

One of the issues with writing domme play is that it can be hard to keep a sense of progression - with sex you have meeting, kissing, undressing, foreplay, starting to fuck, she orgasms, rising action, he orgasms (and so does she again for good luck) - The End. In this story the sequence is.

He cums
She cums when he eats her out.
Orgasm denial.
He asks for pegging.
He pays
Puppy play
She pegs him.
He sucks his own cock.

There's progression of a sort, but the first time through it's hard to make sense of and it just seems like a random list of sexual activities, some of which the reader might be into and some of which they might not be. Jeff seems to love everything and so, from the moment that they get back to her place, there's not really much dramatic tension - with the exception of the pegging there's not a lot of foreshadowing or teasing what is going to happen next and there's not much question in the readers mind that Jeff is going to enjoy it.

The story kind of ends with her kicking him out, but then there's also a couple of stingers about him doubling his donations and him going to the ball next week (which sounds like a story on it's own) Even with this triple ending the end still feels sudden. Since there's not a lot of dramatic set up, it just kind of finishes when he does. (And again, it finishes the moment he slips out of subspace).

As I said before, a lot of this is personal taste. Some peope will enjoy a lot of what you've written here and one of the nice things about Lit is that you get a window directly into what turns people on even when that's completely different from what turns you on. On that basis, it's a good first effort and I'm looking forward to reading more from you. As I say, not all of this is intended as criticism, but more as an insight into what I felt while reading it.

 

[nice90sguy]

I read your story. @TheRedChamber 's review above sums up my main issue, and a lot more besides. It's a really great criticism, fair and insightful.

Although your story is pure femdom, which I love, to me it suffers from a common problem in D/s, which is that paradoxically, the domme is almost too eager to pander to the sub's wishes. So I end up with the uncomfortable feeling that the sub is actually in control. What's missing is real resistance and reluctance on the part of the sub -- so it ends up being a string of BDSM games rather than a story with tension and conflict -- which is what really gets me hot when I read femdom.

The interracial aspect neither enhances nor detracts from the story for me. I was kind of expecting more race politics, and was glad not to find any, frankly. It's a hot black domme and white wimp.

 

[SerenaSteeleMonroe]

First, and this is my only kickback, they are not first-time players. If you remember, and even if you don't, she comes down after running his card and says, "You always do this," meaning he always turns his card off, so she will punish him more. I thought that was an obvious giveaway that they have a relationship. The park was part of their role-play. Other than that, I get what you are saying. I will strive to do better in the future. And thank you for your feedback, it is very much appreciated.

 

[TheRedChamber]

First, and this is my only kickback, they are not first-time players. If you remember, and even if you don't, she comes down after running his card and says, "You always do this," meaning he always turns his card off, so she will punish him more. I thought that was an obvious giveaway that they have a relationship. The park was part of their role-play. Other than that, I get what you are saying. I will strive to do better in the future. And thank you for your feedback, it is very much appreciated.

I see. I checked it again. I think the way I read it was that first time she says 'Jeffery, baby, you've done it again' I read it as being 'you messed up again in some non-specific way' and then read 'you know she won't take them when it isn't her turn' as 'she won't take it when it isn't her turn, you know' - looked at again, I can see what you were going for. Partly me reading quickly, but I also think you're being a little unfair to the reader as the opening (IMHO) is misdirecting the reader to an unfair degree. With roleplay, I think it's okay for the narrator not to tell the reader that it's roleplay (I've done that myself) but reading it back with foreknowledge it still doesn't quite fit (others can wade in an tell me I'm wrong)

 

[SerenaSteeleMonroe]

I see. I checked it again. I think the way I read it was that first time she says 'Jeffery, baby, you've done it again' I read it as being 'you messed up again in some non-specific way' and then read 'you know she won't take them when it isn't her turn' as 'she won't take it when it isn't her turn, you know' - looked at again, I can see what you were going for. Partly me reading quickly, but I also think you're being a little unfair to the reader as the opening (IMHO) is misdirecting the reader to an unfair degree. With roleplay, I think it's okay for the narrator not to tell the reader that it's roleplay (I've done that myself) but reading it back with foreknowledge it still doesn't quite fit (others can wade in an tell me I'm wrong)

I understand that didn't make it clear, and like I said, I will do better in the future.

 

[MillieDynamite]

I have a couple of quick observations. I left a comment on the story and gave you five stars. Most of the suggestions have already been mentioned. If you're going to write for the BNWO crowd, you'll need to own that. Even if she's a paid professional, and terms have already been set, you need to emphasize the goals more clearly. She's not unlike your run-of-the-mill femdom, but she should be a proud advocate of her race and it's superiority. You should name the groups he is contributing to, and include some obscure religious order of BNWO, Church of the...name the stereotype. It's all made up bullshit, but that is what your readership wants. It's a bunch of insecure white men and women who genuinely believe white people are the source of all evil. I read about you wanting to change those tropes. But I don't think that is possible.

Just my musings.

 

[ElectricBlue]

The thing that intrigued me, since you'd mentioned BNWO in several threads in the AH, was that your female lead being black made no tangible difference to the story - for me, anyway. It was a, "so what?" kind of feature, casually raised and in passing. You didn't really dwell on the trope. As @MillieDynamite says, if you're going to go there, you've got to own it. Story wise, in this story, it's a shrug.

Perhaps it's an American cultural thing, where the basic idea of her being black and him being white automatically generates a charge. For me, she was hot because she wore leather, not because she was black. I suspect it is a cultural difference between Oz and the US.

Or is it a shorthand, to set up expectation without actually writing much about it? Similarly, was he pathetic and wanting to be humiliated because that was his character, or because he was white? Or vice versa? Cultural stereotypes? Don't know, but I wasn't persuaded, either way.

Technically, your posts here show that you can write, and write well, so I was surprised to see several instances of misused words and an odd use of commas - in several places I needed to read the sentence twice to parse the intended meaning. I'm usually pretty easygoing on that, but if it's enough to notice and comment...

Tighter edit next time, I reckon - they seemed to be goofs that you'd easily pick up yourself, rather than any underlying issue, where you don't know the meaning of words. You do know your words, but this piece showed signs of a rushed edit. Understandable, this being your first story.

As an editing tip - I regularly change font, font size and font colour during writing and edit, forcing my eye to see the words written, not the words you thought you wrote. I reckon that might help.

 

[SerenaSteeleMonroe]

I get what you're saying. The next one is a little more in the BNWO universe.

I enjoyed writing the story and obliviously didn't edit it well. I'm doing my own editing and probably will continue to do so. I type quite fast, about 120 words a minute from copy, around 90 plus straight out of my noggin. I can do 5,000 to 9,000 words in a day. Now, that's raw speed and doesn't include any editing time. I am taking your criticisms to heart and will try to spend more time on the edits in the future. I suppose I should use Grammarly or some other aid. But my understanding is doing so might trigger an AI filter. I write a bullet point outline of scenes for the story, and once written, I don't go back to except to see if I got the scene in. It isn't so detailed as break down the acts.

This this writing is for fun, I may not have been taking it seriously enough. Thank so much @ElctricBlue, @MillieDynamte, @TheRedChamber, and @nice90sguy for the suggestions. Unfortunately, they probably won't be reflected in the next story as it was finished before my last one even went up and put in the queue before the first answer on here. I think it goes live on the 18th.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Regarding Grammarly, I wouldn't worry too much. I, and I think a lot of people, use the free version for basic sanity checking and have never had any issues. My advice would be to only use it for...

a) Commas and other minor punctuation issues.
b) Obviously wrong words (e.g. affect for effect).
c) Overuse of certain adverbs (really, actually etc). (I agree with it about 50% of the time, the rest the adverbs actually add flavour)
d) Unarguable wrong tenses and other grammatic snafus (though it gets confused easily when I write in present tense)

 

[alohadave]

I suppose I should use Grammarly or some other aid. But my understanding is doing so might trigger an AI filter.

Using it to check grammar and spelling is fine. Using it to rephrase is likely something that triggers the AI detection.

 

[alohadave]

c) Overuse of certain adverbs (really, actually etc). (I agree with it about 50% of the time, the rest the adverbs actually add flavour)

Grammarly hates the word 'really'. It flags every time I use it.

 

[VerbalAbuse]

Ah, yes, racism...

 

[SerenaSteeleMonroe]

Ah, yes, racism...

Who are you addressing?

 

[SerenaSteeleMonroe]

I had a notification that @lovecraft68 had left a comment here. I followed the link and said, The requested page could not be found. His comment isn't showing, WTF?

 

[alohadave]

I had a notification that @lovecraft68 had left a comment here. I followed the link and said, The requested page could not be found. His comment isn't showing, WTF?

He deleted his comment, or his comment was deleted by an admin.

 

[SerenaSteeleMonroe]

OIC!

 

[MillieDynamite]

He can be, um, insufferable at times.

 

[MillieDynamite]

The worst one was Palin or whatever it was.

 

[nice90sguy]

The worst one was Palin or whatever it was.

He was pretty good in Monty Python though

 

[MillieDynamite]

Different guy, and I'm not even sure I have the name right.

 

[lovecraft68]

OIC!

Just to be clear to my fan club, I deleted the comment.

It was a point about your story vs the narrative you push here which don't align to me. Story was fine-and I'm another from the school of somewhat sloppy editing and not caring all that much-I enjoy femdom so it was in my wheelhouse.

But I decided it wasn't worth the ensuing debate it could cause which would somehow end up taking away from the conversation about your actual story. Once you've been here awhile you'll get used to how thread topics can swerve, but this is about your story and feedback and not others disagreeing with each other or name calling.

 

[SerenaSteeleMonroe]

Just to be clear to my fan club, I deleted the comment.

It was a point about your story vs the narrative you push here which don't align to me. Story was fine-and I'm another from the school of somewhat sloppy editing and not caring all that much-I enjoy femdom so it was in my wheelhouse.

But I decided it wasn't worth the ensuing debate it could cause which would somehow end up taking away from the conversation about your actual story. Once you've been here awhile you'll get used to how thread topics can swerve, but this is about your story and feedback and not others disagreeing with each other or name calling.

Thanks, but I have thick skin, and you don't need to pull punches. I might or might not fight back. Cyber isn't a good fit for political discussions, too many touchstones to set off arguments. Far too easy to mistake tone in text, especially in quickly constructed arguments where a left-out word changes the meaning.

 

[SerenaSteeleMonroe]

My next story dropped last night, and this new one, like the one this thread is about, was written fast and didn't get many edits or read-throughs.

Flirting with the BNWO This probably should have its own thread, but for now, it's posted here so you can compare. It's more tropey this time.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Good God, you write and publish fast.