How to express a character's "inner thoughts"

[ElectricBlue]

In this style, you dispense entirely with quotes, inner dialogue tags, etc. You just narrate Todd's thoughts. This is my favorite way to do this..

That's exactly what I do. On occasion, if it comes off clunky, or seems repetitious, I will write "Yada yada yada," she muttered or something like that to break it up.

I'm with Simon and Melissa. Keep it simple, and use context to make it clear what's a thought and what's narrative.

I use close third person a lot, and if the narrator is right in close to a character, they're alongside side the thought anyway, so you don't need use formats to signify. Context does it just fine.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

I use italics for inner thoughts. If the thoughts are clearly unspoken dialog, I will use quotes. It helps readers recognize the distinction.

 

[TheLobster]

Lisa’s eyes went wide and her mind screamed. Oh my god, she thought, some creep is touching me with his cock!

That’s how I usually write it; no special markings, only a “speech” tag to indicate these are the character’s thoughts. I never had any problems getting this accepted and no one has ever expressed any confusion.

 

[Britva415]

If the thoughts are clearly unspoken dialog, I will use quotes

What's an example of "clearly unspoken?" How is it made clear?

 

[Britva415]

In first person, who cares, its all their thoughts.

In third person, I tend to just put their thoughts in a separate paragraph.

For example:

Frank walked into the cellar.

Damn, it's cold in here!

That doesn't show me at all whether Frank said that out loud or thought it in his head. The absence of quotation marks kind of suggests that he didn't say it out loud, but the absence of a "he thought" tag doesn't suggest he thought it and makes it confusing what he did.

 

[XerXesXu]

I'd mix up showing with free indirect.

'The rush-hour train was always overcrowded; Lisa resigned herself to the claustrophobic tedium as the passengers swayed and bodies bumped and rubbed.

Something was wrong.

The passenger behind had swayed against her, but his … hand? …yes, it was his hand … had pressed under the hem of the cute miniskirt she was wearing to entice Roger. It didn’t sway away; it stayed and sawed … gently … over her groin. She squirmed in indignant discomfort but was pinioned by the crowd. Annoyingly, her pussy began to weep. The hand was encouraged, and the sawing motion began to rotate, easing the aside the crotch of the Anne Summers panties she’d intended to flash at Roger. At the next station, yet more passengers forced their way into the carriage. As the guy behind was flattened against her, the finger hooked aside the crotch, and a warm, turgid, pulsing, and alarmingly large - she knew what it was – slid into its, now lubricious, target.

She also knew what was happening; other girls had 'complained' about it. She wasn't sure whether they were complaining that it had happened, or hadn't happened, to them. What to do? Scream? Make a scene?

They now faced the longest leg between stations. It was rude to make eye-contact. No, she would close her eyes and imagine it was Roger. All said, she’d never enjoyed the commute to work before. A zipper-less fuck wasn’t the worst way to start your day. It would all be over when she got off at the next stop, she could clean up in the ladies.

She’d get her revenge … on Roger.'

 

[MillieDynamite]

Clearly, I'd love to rip your heart right out of your chest but I'm just thinking it, right?

Wrong you just said it to me, asshole.

What's an example of "clearly unspoken?" How is it made clear?

 

[SamBomb]

That doesn't show me at all whether Frank said that out loud or thought it in his head. The absence of quotation marks kind of suggests that he didn't say it out loud, but the absence of a "he thought" tag doesn't suggest he thought it and makes it confusing what he did.

No quotes means no words said out loud. I hate the "they thought" stuff. I have used that method and nobody complained at least.

 

[Britva415]

No quotes means no words said out loud. I hate the "they thought" stuff. I have used that method and nobody complained at least.

Well, let me put it another way.

It doesn't make clear that Frank thought it in his head. For all I know it's the narrator's comment.

There needs to be an indication that it's Frank's inner thoughts. There wasn't any, in the example, other than the context which this thread provides. Absent that, or some other kind of context, this kind of typography and wording would be confusing. Effort can be made to establish this as a convention within the particular piece (because it's not a convention in literature in general) - that would provide the context, without having to re-establish it every time there's a thought. And when I say "establish," I don't mean just write that way until the reader catches on, I mean use the word "thought" in order to unequivocally show what is meant.

 

[BobbyBrandt]

What's an example of "clearly unspoken?" How is it made clear?

Holy crap, this is going to be ugly!

The man’s thoughts as he watched the scene unfold two hundred feet in front of him resulted in the reflexive movement of his left foot depressing the clutch. This action allowed him to downshift into third gear as his right foot moved from the accelerator to the brake pedal.

 

[SamBomb]

Well, let me put it another way.

It doesn't make clear that Frank thought it in his head. For all I know it's the narrator's comment.

There needs to be an indication that it's Frank's inner thoughts. There wasn't any, in the example, other than the context which this thread provides. Absent that, or some other kind of context, this kind of typography and wording would be confusing. Effort can be made to establish this as a convention within the particular piece (because it's not a convention in literature in general) - that would provide the context, without having to re-establish it every time there's a thought. And when I say "establish," I don't mean just write that way until the reader catches on, I mean use the word "thought" in order to unequivocally show what is meant.

I think in the context of the story it makes sense, but whatever, I am an amateur and people liked the story, so that's all that really matters.

I've basically switched to first person for almost every story anyways, so it's not a problem going forward.

 

[SemiAmateurWordsmith]

"I think you're good as long as you're consistent," he said to the anonymous poster, "But I prefer italics for internal thoughts, along with the subject-verb combo of the person thinking."

That should be good enough, he thought to himself, But maybe I'll drop in an example.

"Does this make sense?" he asked his wife. She was peering at the laptop screen from over his shoulder, evaluating the content.

That's a lot of effort to answer a question, she thought to herself. She nodded her head. It made sense.

 

[Actingup]

I really appreciate this thread. I had the issue for a story that rejected for the same dialogue-related reason, although I couldn’t work out where the issue really was. But this is how I reformattted it (1st person) and it passed 2nd time.

 

[SimonDoom]

I really appreciate this thread. I had the issue for a story that rejected for the same dialogue-related reason, although I couldn’t work out where the issue really was. But this is how I reformattted it (1st person) and it passed 2nd time.

View attachment 2505474

This is a complicated one. I think it works.

 

[SkyBubble]

This is a great question. There's no one right way. I prefer italics to quotes, but I think the BEST way is to write in a free indirect style that dispenses with either. Assuming you are writing in third person, the narration is told as though from the point of view of the main character, so you don't need quotes or italics. The narration IS the inner thinking of the character. Example:


Todd walked up the stairs, nervous with anticipation. What would Miranda be wearing? A thong? A chemise? No doubt, she would look good. He stirred with arousal at the thought.


In this style, you dispense entirely with quotes, inner dialogue tags, etc. You just narrate Todd's thoughts. This is my favorite way to do this.

Do you italicize simply by using HTML <i></i>? If not, how is it done?

 

[SkyBubble]

Just write it out.

I thought x.
She was thinking x.
The thought crossed his mind that x.
I couldn't get x out of my head.
He felt that x.
Something piqued her senses and x leapt to the forefront of her mind.

There are times when that disrupts the flow of the narrative.

 

[SkyBubble]

This is a situation in a story I'm working on. The character has just revealed in a somewhat dramatic way that she has a boyfriend, which most of the other characters didn't know and wouldn't have believed. Part of this is her mental comment on a comment from someone in the crowd.

“Wait, what? Cardigan Sarah has a BOYFRIEND?!” a guy shouted, disbelief in his voice. Yes, I do. He’s sweet.

How would you say that internal thought is best presented? At the pace the scene is moving, adding "she thought" every time I write a character's internal thoughts disrupts the flow.

I see the italics icon here. (Obviously, since I just used it.) But how do we do it when submitting a story?

 

[Actingup]

This is a situation in a story I'm working on. The character has just revealed in a somewhat dramatic way that she has a boyfriend, which most of the other characters didn't know and wouldn't have believed. Part of this is her mental comment on a comment from someone in the crowd.

“Wait, what? Cardigan Sarah has a BOYFRIEND?!” a guy shouted, disbelief in his voice. Yes, I do. He’s sweet.

How would you say that internal thought is best presented? At the pace the scene is moving, adding "she thought" every time I write a character's internal thoughts disrupts the flow.

I see the italics icon here. (Obviously, since I just used it.) But how do we do it when submitting a story?

The FAQ/Help pages are your friend - there is a lot of info buried there. In this case, see the text formatting article.

 

[SkyBubble]

Thank you.

I wrote one story (posted on the site) that used song lyrics (three lines -- fair use) as part of the male narrator's effort to get teh woman to consider sleeping with him. I posted them this way:

Lyric line 1
Lyric line 2
Lyric line 3

They came out on the site:

Lyric line 1

Lyric line 2

Lyric line 3.

I didn't want teh extra line skipped. How can I fix that?

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

Thank you.

I wrote one story (posted on the site) that used song lyrics (three lines -- fair use) as part of the male narrator's effort to get teh woman to consider sleeping with him. I posted them this way:

Lyric line 1
Lyric line 2
Lyric line 3

They came out on the site:

Lyric line 1

Lyric line 2

Lyric line 3.

I didn't want teh extra line skipped. How can I fix that?

You gotta insert HTML codes

Lyric line 1<br>Lyric line 2<br>Lyric line 3

Try testing the above--as is--in the Preview screen.

 

[SkyBubble]

You gotta insert HTML codes

Lyric line 1<br>Lyric line 2<br>Lyric line 3

Try testing the above--as is--in the Preview screen.

Wouldn't I then have to use the <P> code after every paragraph?

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

Wouldn't I then have to use the <P> code after every paragraph?

Nope. The Preview screen will show you how your story will appear.

 

[SkyBubble]

I'll try that. I know just enough HTML to ask questions like that, without really knowing how it works -- and every site is a little different.

Also, Lit says they don't accept HTML (except for a few certain codes, and <br> doesn't appear to be among them.)

 

[SkyBubble]

Nope. The Preview screen will show you how your story will appear.

Just tried it. It still comes out double spaced. I'll send a note to Laurel.

 

[Voyeurkenneth]

CAn teh Preview screen be sued with a story that has alredy been submitted?

Yes. I was suggesting you use the Preview screen to test the HTML code first.

But it sounds like you want to edit your existing story. It's possible. See FAQ: https://www.literotica.com/faq/publishing/editing-published-work