How did you realize you are polyamorous? Am I polyam?

[magic_rat]

The only thing I’ll add for your consideration is based on the love and concern you have for your husband is that when discussing and sharing, you might want to be mindful and go out of your way to create a safe space for him to disagree and share his fears, trust me they’re there.

Absolutely the most important thing and expressed for more eloquently than me.

And you have to make the decision about what happens if your husband says no. It's a huge step for a lot of people (particularly if your prime motivation is to have sex with others) and one he may not wish to take.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

This and your original post show you to be a very empathetic person. I don’t have much to add and it seems you’re getting excellent advice from magic and others. I’ve only ever been on the periphery of this arrangement and it was a long time ago, it was the first time I heard the term polyamorous and had to look it up. What I observed then is the same now, in that there are many different takes on what this really means and how it’s practiced. The only thing I’ll add for your consideration is based on the love and concern you have for your husband is that when discussing and sharing, you might want to be mindful and go out of your way to create a safe space for him to disagree and share his fears, trust me they’re there.

The situation I found myself on the periphery of eventually collapsed, and the woman, who was my friend and connection, was very surprised to find out later how uncomfortable her main partner was and how much he disliked the arrangement and as a result started to withdraw from her. It was not surprising to me however, in fact it was obvious how he felt in just the simple conversations we had. Good luck.

Thank you Purple_Fronds, for sharing that personal experience and for your kind words. I agree and have been doing just as you wrote. People need to know how much they’re truly valued and to feel safe and secure. Without everyone’s enthusiastic desire for poly, someone surely ends up hurting.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

Absolutely the most important thing and expressed for more eloquently than me.

And you have to make the decision about what happens if your husband says no. It's a huge step for a lot of people (particularly if your prime motivation is to have sex with others) and one he may not wish to take.

I expected the no and that’s ok. Just being able to share the desire was a huge weight off my shoulders. I reassured him that he is my beloved, irreplaceable. We have both been freer discussing sexual stuff since then.

I have poly romance fiction that’s been rattling round in my head and now I can write without feeling guilty about. May not even upload it but it’s a fun outlet for me and now I know the writing doesn’t bother him.

I’m very grateful to everyone who commented here. It really helped, is helping.

 

[magic_rat]

We have both been freer discussing sexual stuff since then.

This is the best thing. If you can talk openly about fantasies and desires, sometimes the need to actually fulfil them fades into the background; or, as I've found, if your discussions are frank, open and 100% honest, it opens up new avenues when you both know where the other stands. What seems unthinkable to him now may seem desirable in 12 months.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I realized I was poly while having an affair. It was a mistake to cheat but it got me to where I am today. The marriage didn't last because I expressed my desire to bring my gf into the marriage and my husband didn't agree.
I am now in a throuple and have realized I'm less poly and more just into women. But I have never been in a poly all woman relationship, so I couldn't tell you.

Thank you, I appreciate you sharing your experience. I wish you and your partners happiness.

 

[Dante64]

I started to realize that I was polyamorous in my late 20s. I recognized that the vast majority of my relationships had a significant emotional component, and I didn’t particularly enjoy purely sexual flings. I also tended to remain in contact with my prior partners, and even though the role we played in each other‘s lives would change there was a genuine interest in their well-being and seeing them flourish as people. Sex felt like a specific form of communication that could reinforce closeness or emphasize particular dynamics that I shared with a person, but that meant the experience was very much tailored to every individual. Exclusivity didn’t feel like an inherently meaningful part of it.

As I explored more, I also appreciated that different relationships brought out and emphasize different parts of my personhood. This helped me grow as a person, often an unexpected ways that were nurtured by each individual. I saw the ways that friendships and prior relationships enhanced my partners and helped them develop into the people that I appreciated, so it didn’t feel as though there was any inherent conflict in experiencing that with multiple people at the same time.

I think everybody is a little bit different in how they pursue polyamory, both due to their own feelings and practical concerns of their situation. In my case, I have also participated in monogamous relationships, and on several occasions have discussed polyamory with otherwise monogamous partners. In all cases, I didn’t approach the subject as trying to convince them or open the relationship. It usually came up in the context of discussing prior relationships, and that sparked curiosity regarding how I felt about having multiple partners in the past. Based on those experiences, I have some advice on how to navigate those conversations. It’s up to you to decide if this fits with your situation, and I will try to focus on things that haven’t been covered in the other responses. (such as the need for honesty and transparency, I consider that to be a given).

1 – reflect on how you would like to receive and ultimately accept apologies from your partner, and discuss how they would like to do the same. I think this is a key component of any relationship that is often overlooked because we tend to emphasize the best about ourselves and the people we care about, but inevitably there will be some form of conflict. This is especially true when considering polyamory as it is common for people to have unexpected emotions. You may find yourself in a position in which your actions have hurt your partner, despite the fact that they completely agreed to them beforehand. It’s helpful to talk about how to navigate that and how both of you would like to process recovering from it. You may find that it is helpful to apologize, even though both of you accept that you are not to blame. The apology is to convey your sympathy for the hurt that they feel and support them, and they may need to reflect on how to process that and move forward while accepting that the actions can’t be reversed. I think this sort of discussion also helps with little things in a relationship and can give a framework for navigating when you may intentionally or unintentionally cause discomfort.

2 - Discuss potential sources of asymmetry in the relationship dynamic that you are considering. If you have been thinking about this and your partner has not it is likely that you will have a chance to act on the new agreement far before they do. This may be because they are approaching it from a different emotional standpoint, and it could be due to simple practical issues related to how the two of you choose to socialize. Another source of asymmetry can be that you have distinctly different feelings about one of their partners than they do. It makes sense that we often focus on the emotionally intense situations, such as sharing romantic affection for a third person with our primary partner, but the small things can catch us off guard and it can be very strange to realize that you don’t particularly like one of your partner’s partners. I always anticipated that jealousy would be the most significant barrier to compersion, but it turned out that the greatest challenge was learning to process the feeling that I don’t always understand or agree with what my partners choose to do. I’m not talking about anything that would violate agreements and the established boundaries of a healthy relationship. I mean the feeling of interacting with a new person that is emotionally and romantically significant to one of my partners and feeling “I don’t feel strongly about ever speaking to this person again or knowing anything about their life.“ This relates to:

3 – Consider some of the practical issues that could change your relationship structure. With regard to #2 above, you may find that you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to invest in people that are important to your partner but don’t personally resonate with you. The same can happen with the number of partners within your ecosystem. Sometimes having more than one source of support is amazing and works extremely well. In other cases, you can become emotionally overwhelmed as you try to extend support in multiple directions at once. This becomes particularly noticeable if you have a primary partner, as that often implies they would be the first focus of your emotional support. There can also be practical concerns related to cohabitation, having children, and smaller things like how you present in environments that may not be supportive of a polyamorous structure.

4 - Consider the benefit of having different levels of support in your life. It can feel amazing to share such emotional intensity and closeness with multiple people, but the people with whom you were closest are also those with whom you will experience the deepest conflict. Processing that requires being able to work through how you feel outside of your relationships. Whenever I am processing difficult emotions, I try to acknowledge that I need space to experience and affirm the validity of those emotions without projecting that onto a partner until I’m ready to do so in a productive and healthy way. Having a therapist, family member, completely platonic friend, etc. helps avoid the paradoxical situation in which you feel particularly alone because you are so close to all the people in your immediate support circle that you find it difficult to initially process conflicting and potentially negative emotions that arise within the support circle.

5 - It is reasonable to expect people to conform their behavior within agreed-upon boundaries, but we can’t make promises about how we feel. If you or any of your partners experience insecurity around the notion that one of you could feel a particular way about a situation or another person, that is something that needs to be explored because we can’t predict feelings. It helps for everybody to have clarity about their own comfort with a partner having an unanticipated feeling, such as unexpected and intense lust for a new partner. If that sort of feeling would make you uncomfortable, it helps to reflect upon if a partner being transparent in expressing and acting upon the feeling is sufficient for you to process it in a helpful way, or is the fact that they felt it at all going to preoccupy you.

I hope that doesn’t sound preachy or like I am trying to take all the fun out of a polyamorous relationship. I find them to be extremely rewarding and fun, even if getting there can take some difficult conversations and self reflection. To be honest, I don’t think that is unique to polyamory. Reflecting on contradictions, expectations, and difficulties is helpful for any sort of relationship.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I started to realize that I was polyamorous in my late 20s. I recognized that the vast majority of my relationships had a significant emotional component, and I didn’t particularly enjoy purely sexual flings. I also tended to remain in contact with my prior partners, and even though the role we played in each other‘s lives would change there was a genuine interest in their well-being and seeing them flourish as people. Sex felt like a specific form of communication that could reinforce closeness or emphasize particular dynamics that I shared with a person, but that meant the experience was very much tailored to every individual. Exclusivity didn’t feel like an inherently meaningful part of it.

As I explored more, I also appreciated that different relationships brought out and emphasize different parts of my personhood. This helped me grow as a person, often an unexpected ways that were nurtured by each individual. I saw the ways that friendships and prior relationships enhanced my partners and helped them develop into the people that I appreciated, so it didn’t feel as though there was any inherent conflict in experiencing that with multiple people at the same time.

I think everybody is a little bit different in how they pursue polyamory, both due to their own feelings and practical concerns of their situation. In my case, I have also participated in monogamous relationships, and on several occasions have discussed polyamory with otherwise monogamous partners. In all cases, I didn’t approach the subject as trying to convince them or open the relationship. It usually came up in the context of discussing prior relationships, and that sparked curiosity regarding how I felt about having multiple partners in the past. Based on those experiences, I have some advice on how to navigate those conversations. It’s up to you to decide if this fits with your situation, and I will try to focus on things that haven’t been covered in the other responses. (such as the need for honesty and transparency, I consider that to be a given).

1 – reflect on how you would like to receive and ultimately accept apologies from your partner, and discuss how they would like to do the same. I think this is a key component of any relationship that is often overlooked because we tend to emphasize the best about ourselves and the people we care about, but inevitably there will be some form of conflict. This is especially true when considering polyamory as it is common for people to have unexpected emotions. You may find yourself in a position in which your actions have hurt your partner, despite the fact that they completely agreed to them beforehand. It’s helpful to talk about how to navigate that and how both of you would like to process recovering from it. You may find that it is helpful to apologize, even though both of you accept that you are not to blame. The apology is to convey your sympathy for the hurt that they feel and support them, and they may need to reflect on how to process that and move forward while accepting that the actions can’t be reversed. I think this sort of discussion also helps with little things in a relationship and can give a framework for navigating when you may intentionally or unintentionally cause discomfort.

2 - Discuss potential sources of asymmetry in the relationship dynamic that you are considering. If you have been thinking about this and your partner has not it is likely that you will have a chance to act on the new agreement far before they do. This may be because they are approaching it from a different emotional standpoint, and it could be due to simple practical issues related to how the two of you choose to socialize. Another source of asymmetry can be that you have distinctly different feelings about one of their partners than they do. It makes sense that we often focus on the emotionally intense situations, such as sharing romantic affection for a third person with our primary partner, but the small things can catch us off guard and it can be very strange to realize that you don’t particularly like one of your partner’s partners. I always anticipated that jealousy would be the most significant barrier to compersion, but it turned out that the greatest challenge was learning to process the feeling that I don’t always understand or agree with what my partners choose to do. I’m not talking about anything that would violate agreements and the established boundaries of a healthy relationship. I mean the feeling of interacting with a new person that is emotionally and romantically significant to one of my partners and feeling “I don’t feel strongly about ever speaking to this person again or knowing anything about their life.“ This relates to:

3 – Consider some of the practical issues that could change your relationship structure. With regard to #2 above, you may find that you don’t have the emotional bandwidth to invest in people that are important to your partner but don’t personally resonate with you. The same can happen with the number of partners within your ecosystem. Sometimes having more than one source of support is amazing and works extremely well. In other cases, you can become emotionally overwhelmed as you try to extend support in multiple directions at once. This becomes particularly noticeable if you have a primary partner, as that often implies they would be the first focus of your emotional support. There can also be practical concerns related to cohabitation, having children, and smaller things like how you present in environments that may not be supportive of a polyamorous structure.

4 - Consider the benefit of having different levels of support in your life. It can feel amazing to share such emotional intensity and closeness with multiple people, but the people with whom you were closest are also those with whom you will experience the deepest conflict. Processing that requires being able to work through how you feel outside of your relationships. Whenever I am processing difficult emotions, I try to acknowledge that I need space to experience and affirm the validity of those emotions without projecting that onto a partner until I’m ready to do so in a productive and healthy way. Having a therapist, family member, completely platonic friend, etc. helps avoid the paradoxical situation in which you feel particularly alone because you are so close to all the people in your immediate support circle that you find it difficult to initially process conflicting and potentially negative emotions that arise within the support circle.

5 - It is reasonable to expect people to conform their behavior within agreed-upon boundaries, but we can’t make promises about how we feel. If you or any of your partners experience insecurity around the notion that one of you could feel a particular way about a situation or another person, that is something that needs to be explored because we can’t predict feelings. It helps for everybody to have clarity about their own comfort with a partner having an unanticipated feeling, such as unexpected and intense lust for a new partner. If that sort of feeling would make you uncomfortable, it helps to reflect upon if a partner being transparent in expressing and acting upon the feeling is sufficient for you to process it in a helpful way, or is the fact that they felt it at all going to preoccupy you.

I hope that doesn’t sound preachy or like I am trying to take all the fun out of a polyamorous relationship. I find them to be extremely rewarding and fun, even if getting there can take some difficult conversations and self reflection. To be honest, I don’t think that is unique to polyamory. Reflecting on contradictions, expectations, and difficulties is helpful for any sort of relationship.

Wow, such a wealth of helpful insight and info! Much appreciated. I don’t you’re sucking the fun out at all. Being considerate, thoughtful, and not going in totally blind likely smooths the way for fun. I need sufficient emotional safety and stability in life to have fun. Wish I could bookmark a post.

 

[Dante64]

My first explorations of kink also coincided with learning to navigate polyamorous relationships. The communication opened up opportunities for sexual exploration, and I became much more comfortable embracing D/S dynamics in the context of clear emotional communication and security. There are a few things better than tying up a willing partner and having her displayed for a third (or fourth, or fifth) person to admire and tease.

 

[GoodnessO]

There are poly chapters in various states or regions. Sometimes they hold group events. I've been to 1 such event, as a presenter of a poly story.
I'm not poly, but I'm interested in it.
I have close friends who were poly, but they're now monogamous.
1 thing I was always told by poly people was, its very different than being swingers. Its not about FWB or other casual sex. And the sex it isn't necessarily practiced as more than 2-somes. But being a sexual 3-some (or more) doesn't exclude them from being poly.
My understanding of poly is that it's relationship based. And its not ok to kust go fuck whoever just because you're in a poly relationship... but the people involved in the relationship mutually decide how their relationship will be defined, whatever boundaries there may be.
Based on my reading of your description of your feelings & desires, & my own understanding of poly, Lotus_kitty, it sounds to me that you're more interested in being a swinger vs. poly. Best to you in exploring your sexuality.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

There are poly chapters in various states or regions. Sometimes they hold group events. I've been to 1 such event, as a presenter of a poly story.
I'm not poly, but I'm interested in it.
I have close friends who were poly, but they're now monogamous.
1 thing I was always told by poly people was, its very different than being swingers. Its not about FWB or other casual sex. And the sex it isn't necessarily practiced as more than 2-somes. But being a sexual 3-some (or more) doesn't exclude them from being poly.
My understanding of poly is that it's relationship based. And its not ok to kust go fuck whoever just because you're in a poly relationship... but the people involved in the relationship mutually decide how their relationship will be defined, whatever boundaries there may be.
Based on my reading of your description of your feelings & desires, & my own understanding of poly, Lotus_kitty, it sounds to me that you're more interested in being a swinger vs. poly. Best to you in exploring your sexuality.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the different forms relationships can take. I very much wish for a relationship based model. Labels can be fuzzy and picking the most fitting one difficult. Not looking for key parties with other couples but I probably have a very stereotypical view of what swinger means. Maybe hierarchical poly curious would describe me? I hate the word hierarchical but it seems to best describe what I am looking for, a spouse and a few close trusted friends, all of whom I might ask for sexual play.

 

[GoodnessO]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the different forms relationships can take. I very much wish for a relationship based model. Labels can be fuzzy and picking the most fitting one difficult. Not looking for key parties with other couples but I probably have a very stereotypical view of what swinger means. Maybe hierarchical poly curious would describe me? I hate the word hierarchical but it seems to best describe what I am looking for, a spouse and a few close trusted friends, all of whom I might ask for sexual play.

When I referred to relationship based, I meant as in an attached family unit. Even if 1 or more partners don't live together, they still behave as a family. For example: "Oh, your kid is sick today, I'll be there asap so you can get to work."

 

[Phatfeet]

I have lived the Poly life in my early years and enjoyed it, and now that I do not have it long for it again. To me it is not really that I can have sex with whomever I want and when so much as just having so much trust in my long term relationship.

And that is the ironic part of a Poly Lifestyle isn’t it?

While you can have sex and relationships with others openly, it is because your partner is okay with it that makes you love them all the much more, and honestly, don’t really want to unless that other person or people are just as special. It’s the flashlight in the basement sort of analogy; the flashlight is obvious because it’s a place that is dark. Well if you have someone who is without jealousy and wants the best for you emotionally and sexually even if it means another, then you have found a truly special person. But not just special, you gravitate to them powerfully because of it. You would not have that freedom with someone who is overly clingy, just as you would not see the beam of a flashlight in the noon day inside your sunroom.

Finding another will be a challenge however. I mean it is tough enough to find two people that have the same motivations, interest in sex, and life goals. To add a third one (or more) is really going to be tough. That does not mean it is impossible, nor is it going to be readily adopted by others. I mean every culture in the world had some form of marriage no matter how primitive or socially expanded. That is deep seated culture that most will not understand.

But that is just it. A poly lifestyle is thus freedom, and freedom is downright scary to a lot of people. The freedom of speech. The freedom to own guns. The freedom of religion. And yes, the freedom to have meaningful and sexual relations with others. It’s downright terrifying to many people.

It ends up being like that 1970’s mantra where the quote goes, “if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it was yours, if not, it never was”. Well a poly lifestyle is sort of like that except no one leaves, just openly shared and the greater the risk, the greater the reward. Few dare take the risk however, and I understand that. I think it is too bad, but understand why they are afraid of freedom.

 

[GoodnessO]

Obviously people have different ideas/definitions of what it means to be poly. Ultimately, each of us wants to define our own labels.
I was taught that poly absolutely does not mean you can have sex with whomever you want. That would simply be an open relationship, which may or may not be a polyamorous open relationship, & is also a separate issue from swinger type relationships.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

When I referred to relationship based, I meant as in an attached family unit. Even if 1 or more partners don't live together, they still behave as a family. For example: "Oh, your kid is sick today, I'll be there asap so you can get to work."

I would love to have such closeness. We are almost that close with a couple families. Watch each others kids.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I have lived the Poly life in my early years and enjoyed it, and now that I do not have it long for it again. To me it is not really that I can have sex with whomever I want and when so much as just having so much trust in my long term relationship.

And that is the ironic part of a Poly Lifestyle isn’t it?

While you can have sex and relationships with others openly, it is because your partner is okay with it that makes you love them all the much more, and honestly, don’t really want to unless that other person or people are just as special. It’s the flashlight in the basement sort of analogy; the flashlight is obvious because it’s a place that is dark. Well if you have someone who is without jealousy and wants the best for you emotionally and sexually even if it means another, then you have found a truly special person. But not just special, you gravitate to them powerfully because of it. You would not have that freedom with someone who is overly clingy, just as you would not see the beam of a flashlight in the noon day inside your sunroom.

Finding another will be a challenge however. I mean it is tough enough to find two people that have the same motivations, interest in sex, and life goals. To add a third one (or more) is really going to be tough. That does not mean it is impossible, nor is it going to be readily adopted by others. I mean every culture in the world had some form of marriage no matter how primitive or socially expanded. That is deep seated culture that most will not understand.

But that is just it. A poly lifestyle is thus freedom, and freedom is downright scary to a lot of people. The freedom of speech. The freedom to own guns. The freedom of religion. And yes, the freedom to have meaningful and sexual relations with others. It’s downright terrifying to many people.

It ends up being like that 1970’s mantra where the quote goes, “if you love something set it free, if it comes back to you, it was yours, if not, it never was”. Well a poly lifestyle is sort of like that except no one leaves, just openly shared and the greater the risk, the greater the reward. Few dare take the risk however, and I understand that. I think it is too bad, but understand why they are afraid of freedom.

Thank you for sharing your thoughtful take on polyamory. The flashlight analogy makes sense.

I don’t think we could add a third or more and have the same strong bond with them. It would be unfair to them to try to blend into a decades long relationship. I do think we would both love to have closer bonds with friends, more mutual support with them, sex needn’t be part of it although I would like it to be.

With freedom comes responsibility. I don’t think people fear freedom. In relationships, they fear rejection. In general, they may not trust others to be responsible without knowing them or having a trusted third party vouch for them. Like not trusting someone to drive responsibly that hasn’t passed a drivers test.

 

[TonyF862]

I was poly many years ago in my twenties, a unicorn for an older married couple. I liked the family feeling we shared, the cuddling and sexual exploration was fantastic.

I’d love to be part of a kinky family again.

(I've just discovered this interesting thread, so sorry for the late add)

Would love to hear how this came to be and some of the adventures you shared. I'm 61 now, but still have "what if" fantasies of being in such a relationship in my late teens/early twenties. Finding an open older couple to be the "young stud" for. I wouldnt have known that 1) such a thing even existed when I was in my 20's and 2) Would have had the sexual confidence to pursue/enjoy it.

That said, I'd love to hear about yours!

 

[TonyF862]

I think this is paramount. Every relationship is different but respect for all parties is important.

For us, my partner is my primary relationship. Our girlfriend has been solo poly for some time. She enjoys relationships within boundaries and doesn't want a full-time partner. On a social level we dine out together, go to gigs together and spend most weekends together but she gets to maintain her personal space and independence while my partner and I do the domestic thing.

On an emotional level we're all extremely close.

Sexually we get to visit sex clubs etc as a thruple (yes, makes me took very good!) and at home, we can play as a three, my partner and our girlfriend sometimes go away together for a weekend, and when my partner isn't around myself and girlfriend play. We each get 3 totally different experiences depending on whether there's 2 or 3 of us.

Extending from that, my partner and I are close with (but not poly with) another poly couple; that relationship[ is partly social, mainly sexual, and again they offer us both something that isn't available within the confines of our primary relationship; the male partner is bi, as am I; both female partners find seeing guys play together extremely erotic. The male partner is also very well endowed, which pleases my partner! The female partner enjoys primal play (biting, scratching, animalistic sex) which neither of our partners like.

On a purely sexual level we also swing, and will often play with others.

Life for us is exceptionally good. I could never go back to a vanilla mono relationship again.

There's so much more I could add but I could drone on for hours. Happy to add here or by DM if required.

Would love to hear how this arrangement(s) came to be, and some of your more memorable encounters/surprises

 

[TonyF862]

I expected the no and that’s ok. Just being able to share the desire was a huge weight off my shoulders. I reassured him that he is my beloved, irreplaceable. We have both been freer discussing sexual stuff since then.

I have poly romance fiction that’s been rattling round in my head and now I can write without feeling guilty about. May not even upload it but it’s a fun outlet for me and now I know the writing doesn’t bother him.

I’m very grateful to everyone who commented here. It really helped, is helping.

I can relate to the "weight off my shoulders" feeling you shared. I am a lifelong sex _______ (hound, pervert, enthusiast, fan, explorer, imagineer, etc). I have had strong sexual urges from my earliest years. My wife of 30 years knew I was very sexual (we fucked the first night we met), and we have what I would consider an above-average, vanilla sex life for the majority of our time together (there was a pretty dry patch when the kids were young).

For us, I stroked it to porn a LOT not because I didn't find her attractive or sexy - just the opposite. She made me so horny all the time, but I didn't want to constantly hound her for sex, so I "took care of it" myself. My chosen type of porn was almost always real couples/people have sex - cuck, bbc, facesitting, large/bbw women (my wife is 4'10" and barely 100lbs), etc. I stroked it, literally, every day we didn't fuck sometimes 2-3 times a day. I physically needed the release.

This all changed one evening, after a particularly hot session, when she told me she wanted to see me "suck a cock". That really opened up my mind and perspective on what I thought might be possible - and although I genuinely do not have gay or bi urgings, I AM very open/indifferent to gender roles - so I thought: "If that would take her to a new place, sexually, then I would do it, just to see her reaction and watch her enjoy it" (Yes, I AM that much of a "giver" ).

So, I set out to make it happen, (it hasn't yet but). In the process, we, too, had "the talk" where I shared my desire to at least start out by meeting other open-minded couples, and at least watching each other.

Fast forward (that was almost exactly 1 year ago), We have met multiple couples who swing, fucked a few of them, played with some others, and are still trying to figure out what really works for us (To be continued).

Point is - once we opened up, post-talk, OUR relationship and sex life took on a whole new meaning - and I could not ask for a better partner, and that huge "weight" of having to keep all of my various sexual desires and even my past, a secret from her - is now out (between us) and that freedom has brought us SO much closer. and the sex between us - even the routine, Sat morning fuck session, is SO much hotter, honest and connected that I ever could have imagined.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I can relate to the "weight off my shoulders" feeling you shared. I am a lifelong sex _______ (hound, pervert, enthusiast, fan, explorer, imagineer, etc). I have had strong sexual urges from my earliest years. My wife of 30 years knew I was very sexual (we fucked the first night we met), and we have what I would consider an above-average, vanilla sex life for the majority of our time together (there was a pretty dry patch when the kids were young).

For us, I stroked it to porn a LOT not because I didn't find her attractive or sexy - just the opposite. She made me so horny all the time, but I didn't want to constantly hound her for sex, so I "took care of it" myself. My chosen type of porn was almost always real couples/people have sex - cuck, bbc, facesitting, large/bbw women (my wife is 4'10" and barely 100lbs), etc. I stroked it, literally, every day we didn't fuck sometimes 2-3 times a day. I physically needed the release.

This all changed one evening, after a particularly hot session, when she told me she wanted to see me "suck a cock". That really opened up my mind and perspective on what I thought might be possible - and although I genuinely do not have gay or bi urgings, I AM very open/indifferent to gender roles - so I thought: "If that would take her to a new place, sexually, then I would do it, just to see her reaction and watch her enjoy it" (Yes, I AM that much of a "giver" ).

So, I set out to make it happen, (it hasn't yet but). In the process, we, too, had "the talk" where I shared my desire to at least start out by meeting other open-minded couples, and at least watching each other.

Fast forward (that was almost exactly 1 year ago), We have met multiple couples who swing, fucked a few of them, played with some others, and are still trying to figure out what really works for us (To be continued).

Point is - once we opened up, post-talk, OUR relationship and sex life took on a whole new meaning - and I could not ask for a better partner, and that huge "weight" of having to keep all of my various sexual desires and even my past, a secret from her - is now out (between us) and that freedom has brought us SO much closer. and the sex between us - even the routine, Sat morning fuck session, is SO much hotter, honest and connected that I ever could have imagined.

Thank you for sharing that. Very happy for you both! It is wonderful you can be honest and accepting with each other. The exploration and adventures sound wonderful.

 

[AlexBailey]

(I've just discovered this interesting thread, so sorry for the late add)

Would love to hear how this came to be and some of the adventures you shared. I'm 61 now, but still have "what if" fantasies of being in such a relationship in my late teens/early twenties. Finding an open older couple to be the "young stud" for. I wouldnt have known that 1) such a thing even existed when I was in my 20's and 2) Would have had the sexual confidence to pursue/enjoy it.

That said, I'd love to hear about yours!

I’ll add in a couple of quotes about it from my posts from other threads:

. It started with her connecting with me after they had been talking about a having third to play with.

They said their plan was for her to find a female, she found me instead. I didn’t know what was going on when I first met him. He was checking me out, she was flirting with me in front of him…he asked me if I thought she was sexy - then asked why. Then they both told me why they thought I was sexy, things got fun from there.

The wife initiated it, the husband approved. Apparently they had been talking about having a third for some time so when they moved into my parents’ rental house they set their eyes on me.

I loved being their sex toy and being in something of a relationship yet free to be with others too. We brought three other women and one other femme guy into our sphere including two previous long-term crushes of mine.

The only time I felt jealous was when one of our other lovers wanted to spend exclusive time with the husband. I felt left out and marginalized in ways I never thought I would, but things were okay again once the four of us were all together.


The relationship part was usually warm and inclusive - my favorite part about being together was the play and experimentation. We tried many different things with me able and interested in being whatever was needed to fulfill bucket list fantasies.

The hard part was when the couple eventually broke up - they had been together for seven years and had grown to a point where they weren’t satisfied with each other and claimed that our threesome was a last ditch effort to see if they could find more in common by seeking their fantasies together. They figured out that they weren’t a satisfying match for a number of reasons and had lost the spark between them years ago.

I think I could have been happy being their third for many years, but I guess it wasn’t meant to happen, still I had lots of kinky and experimental experiences with them.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I’ll add in a couple of quotes about it from my posts from other threads:

Thank you. I appreciate you sharing your experiences, the good and the sad too.

 

[TonyF862]

I’ll add in a couple of quotes about it from my posts from other threads:

Thanks @AlexBailey !! It sounds like an incredible experience and arrangement! I know I would not have been nearly as sexually confident or outgoing as you in your twenties.

You made the comment above that "I WAS poly many years ago" - does that mean you don't consider yourself poly now? what changed? (again, genuinely interested in learning about your journey as we all learn and grow in our own)

 

[AlexBailey]

Thanks @AlexBailey !! It sounds like an incredible experience and arrangement! I know I would not have been nearly as sexually confident or outgoing as you in your twenties.

You made the comment above that "I WAS poly many years ago" - does that mean you don't consider yourself poly now? what changed? (again, genuinely interested in learning about your journey as we all learn and grow in our own)

It was a lot of fun. I honestly think I’m better suited for a poly/pan relationship but, aside from a few mismatches in interests and libido, I am otherwise happily married.

I definitely wasn’t sexually confident at the time, in fact I’d recently been dumped by the first girl who had taken interest in me as a femme guy. It was shortly after high school graduation, I’d just been working odd jobs and taking some summer college classes. The couple was renting my parents’ back house when the wife asked if I could help her move some furniture and boxes while her husband was at work.

The couple had seen my girlfriend and me cross dressed for a school event the previous spring - she was dressed in football gear and jersey while I wore her cheerleading uniform, so they had already seen me dressed as female. At first it was more about the right circumstances, but their acceptance and interest in me as a femme boy made me feel confident presenting as more gender fluid. We were Mfm, but it seemed more like MfF - I was the little f. He called us ‘his girls’.

 

[muycurioso]

I am more of a one woman man but if she wanted to be free once in a while Id probably say ok. Since I am older and she would also be older no pregnancy issues. might share a few of my fantasies as well.

 

[Lotus_Kitty]

I am more of a one woman man but if she wanted to be free once in a while Id probably say ok. Since I am older and she would also be older no pregnancy issues. might share a few of my fantasies as well.

Thank you for sharing that here, mycurioso.
Would you see it as a vixen/stag arrangement?
No humiliation for the man, just happy to let the woman play with others?
Or is it more of okay with it rather than *happy* about it, no strong feelings one way or the other?

I think it's a great idea for you to share you fantasies with your partner in any case.