Writing Exercise 2: Can we guess your identity from your writing style?

[nice90sguy]

What's the current total of submissions?

As of now, 16 submissions. It would have been 17, but I removed mine, because it was crap, and also because I've had the chance to read others, so it was really hard, not to mention cheating, to come up with something original.

 

[TarnishedPenny]

Wait, what? We were supposed to be original? Doomed, I am!

 

[ElectricBlue]

Wait, what? We were supposed to be original? Doomed, I am!

TP, you could make a shopping list interesting. Just saying .

 

[TarnishedPenny]

TP, you could make a shopping list interesting. Just saying .

Oysters. The good ones. On crackers.

Decent wine. No, champagne; it has to be champagne.

Maybe he’d prefer beer?

No, he’s a class dude. Champagne.

Some chocolates. Ones in a fancy box. With a menu and proper illustrations to help you avoid the hazelnuts.

Oh, what the hell, get a sixpack. You can always wash your hair in it if he doesn’t like it. Gran used to, right?

Condoms. Yes, definitely.

Magnum condoms. Stroke his ego, too.

Baby oil. But keep it out of sight.

Batteries. Spare batteries are always good to have. Just in case.

Yes, batteries.

Candles. Of course.

Wait - what if he thinks candles are too girlie?

Sod it. Get candles.

Snack tray - something fresh and healthy, to take the edge off the champagne? Maybe some of those fancy new kale chips you saw at the market last week?

Don’t be silly. Pickled eggs and jerky. Some sort of crisps.

Make that two six packs…

Bath bomb. For us, together, afterwards, that’d be sweet. So, lavender? No, certainly not. Summer berries? Don’t be silly. Old leather? I think they make those.

No. Absolutely not.

Flowers for the table. But..

I said flowers!!!

Eyeliner. You’re out, remember?

Clothespins. No, silly, for spring cleaning. But…

NOTE TO SELF: Hide clothespins with the bloody baby oil!

Thigh-highs. Sure.

Ice. Ice cubes, the clear ones without the bubbles.

Does he like brandy or whiskey?

One of each?

Definitely.

What for a sweet?

Well, that’s you, silly.

Whipped cream? Oh, yes. Yes, indeed.

A cigar? Two cigars, on the balcony afterwards, show him you’re daring. Guys like cigars.

Peas or sprouts with the filet?

Definitely peas.

No cigars.

Viagra?

Don’t be silly; he’s 27 years old.

Viagra.

Spare handcuff key, under the pillow. Remember when Angus lost…

Did I mention batteries?

 

[ElectricBlue]

Condoms. Yes, definitely.

Magnum condoms. Stroke his ego, too.

I have an awkward, self referential story about that, which the young uns will find hard to believe.

Back in the day, EB a mere youth (but for the purposes of this tale, eighteen - but in reality, not far from it), condoms were only sold by chemists, up the back, behind the counter, so you had to ask the nice lady with her name on a badge on her breast. Someone's mother, undoubtedly, possibly went to church on Sundays. I knew the Dean's daughter, but the object of my affection was another sweet lass who moved in the same circles. What the hell she was doing with me, to this day I'll never quite know.

"Umm, may I have a packet of condoms, please?"

"Certainly. What size?"

After the awkward silence, and an exchange of more information to establish the truth of the question, then the indulgent look at this sweet but unknowing boy, we finally established that she meant a pack of three or a pack of twelve.

Being realistic, I took my little pack of three down to the front counter, followed I am sure by a gentle smile from the woman. "Such a responsible boy, I wonder who he's going out with?"

Being a smallish country town, I suspect she already knew, what with a small town grapevine.

Meanwhile, here in Australia, a Magnum is a chocolate ice cream. You might want to pop it on your list.

 

[StillStunned]

Deadline, 7 AM GMT Monday May (Midnight PST)

How many of us managed to hand in our homework on time?

Looking forward to seeing the complete list.

 

[TheLobster]

How many of us managed to hand in our homework on time?

Looking forward to seeing the complete list.

18 it seems, as per the thread will all the stories.

 

[Rob_Royale]

• A date/sexual encounter, where one of the people has a lifelong secret that gets revealed.

Apparently I cannot read directions. Sorry.

 

[nice90sguy]

18 it seems, as per the thread will all the stories.

Thanks, I forgot to link.

Having tried and failed to write the scene myself, I really appreciate that this was a pretty difficult challenge.
It's really cool to read them all!

 

[TheLobster]

Thanks, I forgot to link.

One more thing.

If you could edit the authors’ list and change every name to be a link to author’s profile, it’d help people to quickly get a better idea about the person’s style before trying to guess.

 

[gunhilltrain]

I have an awkward, self referential story about that, which the young uns will find hard to believe.

Back in the day, EB a mere youth (but for the purposes of this tale, eighteen - but in reality, not far from it), condoms were only sold by chemists, up the back, behind the counter, so you had to ask the nice lady with her name on a badge on her breast. Someone's mother, undoubtedly, possibly went to church on Sundays. I knew the Dean's daughter, but the object of my affection was another sweet lass who moved in the same circles. What the hell she was doing with me, to this day I'll never quite know.

"Umm, may I have a packet of condoms, please?"

"Certainly. What size?"

After the awkward silence, and an exchange of more information to establish the truth of the question, then the indulgent look at this sweet but unknowing boy, we finally established that she meant a pack of three or a pack of twelve.

Being realistic, I took my little pack of three down to the front counter, followed I am sure by a gentle smile from the woman. "Such a responsible boy, I wonder who he's going out with?"

Being a smallish country town, I suspect she already knew, what with a small town grapevine.

Meanwhile, here in Australia, a Magnum is a chocolate ice cream. You might want to pop it on your list.

That reminds me of a scene in Summer of '42. The pharmacist (chemist to you) asks the kid, "Do you know what these are for?" The kid (I think it's the Hermie character) knows he needs a good cover story, so he replies, "Yeah, you fill them up with water and throw them at unsuspecting people." In New York, that would mean throwing them off the roof, but Nantucket doesn't have apartment buildings.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Thanks, I forgot to link.

Having tried and failed to write the scene myself, I really appreciate that this was a pretty difficult challenge.
It's really cool to read them all!

I got around that by using an except from a story on another site, but the judge (you!) ruled in my favor. I did mention that last week.

 

[gunhilltrain]

Oh, I think you picked up the allusion. Cool. For others:

Hah, the philosophy department. Being Monte Python, they went into great detail on that.

 

[TheRedChamber]

My condom story...

Myself, my mother-in-law and my four year old daughter in a convenience story.
We get what we are getting and are queueing up to pay.
Daughter grabs a packet of condoms from the stand next to the checkout.
I say "Put those back!"
MiL, who hasn't brought her reading glasses, says "Oh, get them for her. You did say you would give her a treat later."
I look at the cashiers face and have to do some very hasty explaining to do.

 

[joy_of_cooking]

My condom story...

Myself, my mother-in-law and my four year old daughter in a convenience story.
We get what we are getting and are queueing up to pay.
Daughter grabs a packet of condoms from the stand next to the checkout.
I say "Put those back!"
MiL, who hasn't brought her reading glasses, says "Oh, get them for her. You did say you would give her a treat later."
I look at the cashiers face and have to do some very hasty explaining to do.

... Is the joke that she can't read the packaging and doesn't know what she's suggesting buy your daughter?

 

[TheRedChamber]

... Is the joke that she can't read the packaging and doesn't know what she's suggesting buy your daughter?

That is exactly the joke yes. She thought they were candy.

 

[TheLobster]

That is exactly the joke yes. She thought they were candy.

She wasn't exactly wrong: they do tend to get filled with custard.