Would anyone care to assist me with this naughty poem?

[Lyricalli]

Perhaps if I change it to "our swollen flesh" the parallel construction of the compound subject will be more immediately clear?

Yes, I think it reads much better with "our" instead of "the".

It's a good piece, and I like the changes you've made.

 

[greenmountaineer]

AH,

I like the changes. Your poem made me think about how poets use the active or passive voice to enhance imagery and narrative.

I liked the contrast of them in the first 2 lines: "we embraced.../..let it chase us..."

I'd change L9 to read: "where we banished doubts and cares." Combined with "conspired" immediately preceding it, I think the first stanza in which you and lover are trying to shape "it" then gives a stronger contrast with the second stanza where "it" is more powerful than the both of you (friend or foe? claws retract? ever be tamed?)

 

[AlwaysHungry]

AH,
I'd change L9 to read: "where we banished doubts and cares." Combined with "conspired" immediately preceding it, I think the first stanza in which you and lover are trying to shape "it" then gives a stronger contrast with the second stanza where "it" is more powerful than the both of you (friend or foe? claws retract? ever be tamed?)

Good call.


When we embraced it, things were madly sweet.
We let it chase us forward,
ravenous for every hint or twist,
for every drop of lust that issued forth
from all those agitated, secret spots
that ached with love.
Our swollen flesh, our wild and bawdy minds
conspired to make a world for us alone,
where we banished doubts and cares
for such a long, long time.

But when its gaze seemed to assume
a predatory cast,
we froze like rabbits.
How could we know
If it were friend or foe?
So sinuously sleek and cuddly; do the claws retract?
Could love as feral and divine as ours
ever be tamed?