This is probably the wrong place for this, but I really don't have a good place to discuss this. Just gotta get it off my chest.
I don't know how much more I can take. My sex life with my wife is dead, and I think it's permanent for a number of reasons. I've tried to tell myself that things can get better, that we'll improve, but it's been five years since I have had an orgasm during sex. It's not as simple as "she won't put out" or "I can't get it up," either.
So the most immediate problems we both have are physical. Over the past few years, she has developed some serious bladder issues that make a lot of things difficult, not just sex. Of course I'm not going to pressure her to have sex or do anything that will put her in the kind of excruciating pain that bladder issues can bring...but she seems to have no desire to seek help for it. It's her body, and I can't and won't force her to do anything, but God what I wouldn't give to be able to touch her without fear of causing a chain reaction that puts her in pain. Not that things would be perfect even if her bladder was magically healed.
I'd be remiss if I talked about her physical struggles without mentioning my own. I had back surgery several years ago, and I went on antidepressants shortly after that. Anyone who has had either of those can tell you how damaging they can be to your sex life, and I am no exception. I have enormous difficulty staying hard, and like I said earlier, I haven't had an orgasm during sex for five years. Still, I feel like I've tried, and in a lot of cases, I've overcome my struggles. I'm still willing to have sex with her, still want to, even if I can't orgasm. I've improved my health to the point where I can go for hours...I know this, because the last time we had sex, more than a year ago, I did just that.
And here's where we get to the mental roadblocks that stand in our way. I've tried to tell her that it doesn't matter to me if I ejaculate, I just love having her body to hold, feeling her on top of me, but she feels like our sex is wrong, or it fails, because of my inability to ejaculate. We're both approaching our mid-30s, and we were trying to have a kid before having one meant that we would be raising them well into our 50s, but when it was becoming increasingly clear that I just couldn't finish, she gave up. The bladder issues that started shortly after that seemed to seal the deal.
So now, some things I've been hiding from her are at the forefront of my mind. I indulge in porn, taking care of my needs without her knowing. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, to believe that she wishes things were better, but that she just believes this is a battle we won't win. That's the kindest thing I can assume, given the circumstances, so the imperfect solution I've arrived at is to just secretly take care of it myself. I hate that I'm keeping it a secret from her, but I know she wouldn't take it well, because she has caught me masturbating twice, and she was extremely angry with me both times. Given that hiding it from her is less painful than our bitter fights, it's probably a secret I'll take with me to my grave.
But I don't know that it will be enough forever. I grew up in one of those fundamentalist Christian households, and bought into the "purity" mindset with the zeal that only a true believer could have. But like so many others, I discovered porn as a teenager and developed fetishes. There are so many things I've never done, and I know there's no guarantee that it would happen if I weren't with her, but I know they won't happen with her. I want to be tied up. I want to have a woman sit on my face. I want to try breathplay. I've wanted to do that since I was a teenager, but I kept myself from it. When it became clear to me that my wife was super vanilla, I told myself that that was fine, that she had no obligation to be as much of a freak as me, and that I'd be faithful, even if it meant average sex, because sex with her was still special. My wife was my first, and I wanted her to be my only one, but now that the well has run dry, I feel like I'm dying of thirst.
I have stayed faithful, besides my porn outlet. But as the months and years have started to accumulate, I'm getting more and more thirsty. Nearly every woman I see, I imagine them naked. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't give this sexual energy to my wife. I crave to be touched, to feel skin against mine, to kiss, to taste, to have my breath taken away.
I love her. I don't want to leave her. She's the mother of my two kids, and she's stuck with me through all of my shit. I'll feel like a horrible person for the rest of my life if I, a fucked up freak, leave an honest, faithful woman. I take my vow seriously, even if I believe almost nothing from my upbringing anymore. I just feel so lonely, unloved and hideous, and I don't know how to fix this.
Again, sorry if this is the wrong place. If you've read this far, thank you for listening to my sob story. I'm open to suggestions.
I don't know how much more I can take. My sex life with my wife is dead, and I think it's permanent for a number of reasons. I've tried to tell myself that things can get better, that we'll improve, but it's been five years since I have had an orgasm during sex. It's not as simple as "she won't put out" or "I can't get it up," either.
So the most immediate problems we both have are physical. Over the past few years, she has developed some serious bladder issues that make a lot of things difficult, not just sex. Of course I'm not going to pressure her to have sex or do anything that will put her in the kind of excruciating pain that bladder issues can bring...but she seems to have no desire to seek help for it. It's her body, and I can't and won't force her to do anything, but God what I wouldn't give to be able to touch her without fear of causing a chain reaction that puts her in pain. Not that things would be perfect even if her bladder was magically healed.
I'd be remiss if I talked about her physical struggles without mentioning my own. I had back surgery several years ago, and I went on antidepressants shortly after that. Anyone who has had either of those can tell you how damaging they can be to your sex life, and I am no exception. I have enormous difficulty staying hard, and like I said earlier, I haven't had an orgasm during sex for five years. Still, I feel like I've tried, and in a lot of cases, I've overcome my struggles. I'm still willing to have sex with her, still want to, even if I can't orgasm. I've improved my health to the point where I can go for hours...I know this, because the last time we had sex, more than a year ago, I did just that.
And here's where we get to the mental roadblocks that stand in our way. I've tried to tell her that it doesn't matter to me if I ejaculate, I just love having her body to hold, feeling her on top of me, but she feels like our sex is wrong, or it fails, because of my inability to ejaculate. We're both approaching our mid-30s, and we were trying to have a kid before having one meant that we would be raising them well into our 50s, but when it was becoming increasingly clear that I just couldn't finish, she gave up. The bladder issues that started shortly after that seemed to seal the deal.
So now, some things I've been hiding from her are at the forefront of my mind. I indulge in porn, taking care of my needs without her knowing. I want to give her the benefit of the doubt, to believe that she wishes things were better, but that she just believes this is a battle we won't win. That's the kindest thing I can assume, given the circumstances, so the imperfect solution I've arrived at is to just secretly take care of it myself. I hate that I'm keeping it a secret from her, but I know she wouldn't take it well, because she has caught me masturbating twice, and she was extremely angry with me both times. Given that hiding it from her is less painful than our bitter fights, it's probably a secret I'll take with me to my grave.
But I don't know that it will be enough forever. I grew up in one of those fundamentalist Christian households, and bought into the "purity" mindset with the zeal that only a true believer could have. But like so many others, I discovered porn as a teenager and developed fetishes. There are so many things I've never done, and I know there's no guarantee that it would happen if I weren't with her, but I know they won't happen with her. I want to be tied up. I want to have a woman sit on my face. I want to try breathplay. I've wanted to do that since I was a teenager, but I kept myself from it. When it became clear to me that my wife was super vanilla, I told myself that that was fine, that she had no obligation to be as much of a freak as me, and that I'd be faithful, even if it meant average sex, because sex with her was still special. My wife was my first, and I wanted her to be my only one, but now that the well has run dry, I feel like I'm dying of thirst.
I have stayed faithful, besides my porn outlet. But as the months and years have started to accumulate, I'm getting more and more thirsty. Nearly every woman I see, I imagine them naked. I hate this feeling. I hate that I can't give this sexual energy to my wife. I crave to be touched, to feel skin against mine, to kiss, to taste, to have my breath taken away.
I love her. I don't want to leave her. She's the mother of my two kids, and she's stuck with me through all of my shit. I'll feel like a horrible person for the rest of my life if I, a fucked up freak, leave an honest, faithful woman. I take my vow seriously, even if I believe almost nothing from my upbringing anymore. I just feel so lonely, unloved and hideous, and I don't know how to fix this.
Again, sorry if this is the wrong place. If you've read this far, thank you for listening to my sob story. I'm open to suggestions.
