retd
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2005
- Posts
- 2,229
The Repairman
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she
told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.
By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do,
do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment
the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen.
But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Van Gogh's Relatives.
His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store..........Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .........................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt......................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle...........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin........................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...........Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.......................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco.......................Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van.............Winnie Bay Gogh
Gross me Out.
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look
at this," and stuck out her 2 fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reaches out and stuck her fingers in my
mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them
before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face. I said," What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
The Man Who Loved Beans.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always
had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day, he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought
to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage
with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work,
his car broke down and since they lived in the country,
he telephoned his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma
of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles
to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.
All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home
he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and
seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the
most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the
head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold,
the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she
returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin
and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better when another
urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse.
To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he
felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight
to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner;
the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like
this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning
each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the
end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin
on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long,
she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring
her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Things I Don't Understand.
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too."
Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the friggin' ceiling up there.
7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going?
You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!
Transplant.
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an
erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to
the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available,
but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a
baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me.
What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant
to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a
stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the
pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the
tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can
fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
The Most Powerful Word.
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it.
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. CONSIDER THIS:
You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
SHIT ! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that
is politically correct? Here are some great suggestions...
* A few clowns short of a circus
* A few fries short of a Happy Meal
* An experiment in artificial stupidity
* A few beers short of a six pack
* Dumber than a box of hair
* A few peas short of a casserole
* Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box
* The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
* One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
* An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
* As smart as bait
* Chimney's clogged
* Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
* Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
* Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
* Forgot to pay his brain bill
* Her sewing machine's out of thread
* His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
Great Female Comebacks.
Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?
The Bridge:
A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting
ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a
little man with no arms dancing all around on the river
bank. He thought to himself, "life isn't so bad after all,"
and climbed down from the railing.
He then walked down to the riverbank to thank the little
man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge
and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you
have no arms, I changed my mind."
"I am not dancing, you dickhead!" the armless man replied
bitterly. "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."
The Blackboard:
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone
had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class,
scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face.
Finding not a guilty face in the bunch,
she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.
The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger
letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she
looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And
so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and
found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger
than the previous day.
Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be
greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the
blackboard:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Jack Schitt:
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack
Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe
Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,
Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and
they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a
dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now
when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them by
saying you know about the whole family.
Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
The Nun's:
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter.
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???
The nun giggles and replies,
Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and
pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question,
Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The nun is a little reluctant but replies, Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate...
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns.
One nun is pushing her way to the front.
When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says,
Sister, Sister, what seems to be the rush???
The nun replies, If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water,
I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, a
jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker and
a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
Secret's to a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to wild sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet
Toilet Habits.
Easy Steps to Shit like a Woman:
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of
any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on
the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the
seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively
guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to
yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through
the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is
traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and
leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
Easy Steps to Shit like a Man:
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by
every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to
report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any
visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
At The Zoo.
A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit,
they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla
starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding
on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.
The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor
primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at
him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she
let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.
She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. "Now, lift your
dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him," says the man. She does,
driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.
Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage,
slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now tell HIM you have a headache."
Vibrator.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming
from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her
daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she
exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter
naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and
this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time
in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super
bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are
you doing?" she exclaimed. "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I Don't Think So.
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I
have "Southern Electric" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I
have "Zanussi" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter
and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
'Does it look like I have "B&Q" written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As
he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs,
and all I had to do was either bake him a cake or give him a blow job.
So the husband asked, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Delia Smith written on my
forehead? I don't think so."
Olympic Condom's.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course, says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver,
it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Divorce.
A married couple is driving down the Highway doing 80kpm.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 90 kph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger
increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
speeds up, and now is doing 100 kph.
She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps
driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 110 kph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 120 kph,
"I've got the airbag!"
Sandwich.
There was a woman who was dating a guy.
The guy asked her if they could make whooppi and she was living
in an apartment at the time and said, "I only have bunk beds,
my son sleeps on the bottom and I sleep on the top."
He agreed to sleep with her and said "Let's use a special code.
Lettuce for slower, Tomato for faster."
They were having sex and she was saying. "Lettuce, Lettuce, Tomato,
Tomato!!!" and her son said. "Would you please stop making sandwiches up
there. You're getting the mayonnaise in my face!!"
Bedtime Prayer (for Men).
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks And doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, at least Once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor, and once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's up the behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' and brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait, so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
Amen
To My Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a
crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over
with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I
was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
To My Dear Husband:
I think you have things a little confused !? Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack
in the ceiling, what I said was would you prefer me on my back or kneeling
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20 Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her,
and make the woo-woo sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
The Penis Poem:
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!
Men don't listen
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had a serious problem.
He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The Stewardess noticed that he was walking short steps and had a look of pain on his face.
"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to
touch any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said so.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savouring the feeling,
he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP,and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this
stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom
adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving
pleasure. When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A
nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your testicles are under your pillow."
The word Fuck
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck".
It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck),
and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John),or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an interjection Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see there aren't very words with the overall versatility of the word fuck.
Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble..........."I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression........."FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust..........."Fuck me."
7. Confusion........."What the fuck....?"
8. Displeasure......."Fucking shit man..."
9. Lost.............."where the fuck are we?"
10.Disbelief.........."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11.Retaliation........"Up your fucking ass!"
12.Apathy............."Who really gives a fuck?"
13.Suspicion.........."Who the fuck are you?"
14.Directions........."Fuck off."
It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......."It's four fuckingtwenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description......."He's a fuckingasshole."
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshima~
"That's not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~AlbertEinstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" ?~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we have a big fucking problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~
Now send this to at least 10 people or you'll be fucked!
Two Gay Guy's:
Two gay guys are going at it. Then one gets up and says, "Stay right there I'll be right back."
When the guy comes back into the bedroom cum is everywhere, on the wall and the furniture.
The guy says, "What the hell happened?", and the other gay guy says, "I farted."
Three Sister's:
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.
That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming.
Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing.
Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
The Little Old Lady and the Vibrator:
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
FIRST THE WOMEN
40-ish.......................... 48
Adventurer...... Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic....................... Flat-chested
Average looking............Ugly
Beautiful..................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.........Bring your penicillin
Educated................... College dropout
Emotionally Secure......Medicated
Feminist..................... Fat; ball buster
Free spirit................... Substance user
Friendship first..... Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun............................ Annoying
Gentle........................ Comatose
Good Listener............. Borderline Autistic
New-Age.................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................... Loud
Passionate................ Loud
Poet......................... Depressive financially insecure
Professional.............. Real Witch
Redhead................... Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............ Grossly Fat
Romantic.................. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous............... Very Fat
Weight proportional to height....Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate........One step away from stalking
Widow...................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish....................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.................... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking.........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................. Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit................ Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first.....As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest..................... Pathological Liar
Huggable..........Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle........... Insecure, overly dependent
Froze to Death
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains
in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go.
You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Comeback lines 2.
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you'll be on your knees sucking my cock.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my
car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's why you've got that little moustache.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of desperate bitch that's
impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you're still a bit warm when I shove it up your arse.
Male: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather die.
Male: I think you misheard me. I said your arse looks fat in those pants.
Harry.
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer
any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
Text
Mrs. Davidson's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she
told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check.
By the way, don't worry about my Doberman. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do,
do NOT under ANY circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at Mrs. Davidson's apartment
the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Doberman he had ever seen.
But just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business.
However, the parrot drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
Van Gogh's Relatives.
His obnoxious brother..........................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt ................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes.....................Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store..........Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white.....Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois.......................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle.............................Wherediddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin.............................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother.....Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach.............Wellsfar Gogh
The constipated uncle .........................Cant Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt......................Tan Gogh
The bird lover uncle...........................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst.......................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin........................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking...........Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew.......................Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco.......................Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van.............Winnie Bay Gogh
Gross me Out.
As I was trying to pack for vacation, my 3 year old daughter was having a
wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said, "Mom, look
at this," and stuck out her 2 fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reaches out and stuck her fingers in my
mouth and said, "Mommy is gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them
before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers
with a devastated look on her face. I said," What's wrong honey?"
"Mommy, where's my booger?"
The Man Who Loved Beans.
Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible
passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always
had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.
One day, he met a girl and fell in love.
When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought
to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage
with me carrying on like this" so he made the supreme
sacrifice and gave up beans. Shortly after that they were married.
A few months later, on the way home from work,
his car broke down and since they lived in the country,
he telephoned his wife and told her that he
would be late because he had to walk.
On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma
of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles
to walk he thought he would walk off any ill effects before he got home.
So he went in and ordered three extra large helpings of beans.
All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home
he felt reasonably safe. His wife met him at the door and
seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the
most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"
She put a blindfold on him and led him to his chair at the
head of the table and made him promise not to peek.
At this point he was beginning to feel another fart coming on.
Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold,
the phone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she
returned and went to answer the phone.
While she was gone, he seized the opportunity.
He shifted his weight to one leg and let go.
It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg.
He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin
and fanned the air about him.
He had just started to feel better when another
urge came on. He raised his leg and rriiipppp!
It sounded like a diesel engine revving and smelled worse.
To keep himself from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while,
hoping the smell would dissipate.
Things had just about returned to normal when he
felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight
to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner;
the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled and a
minute later the flowers on the table were dead.
While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway,
and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like
this for the next 10 minutes, farting and then fanning
each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells (indicating the
end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin
on his lap and folded his hands on top of it.
Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when
his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long,
she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring
her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled,
"SURPRISE!" To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner
guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.
Things I Don't Understand.
1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know
where my watch is buddy, where the fuck is yours?
Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
2. The Pillsbury doughboy is way too happy considering he has no dick.
3. People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
4. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too."
Fuck off. What good is a goddamn cake you can't eat?
5. When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course
it is. Why the fuck would you keep looking after you've found it?
Do people do this? Who and where are they?
6. When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No
ASSHOLE, I paid $7.50 to come to the theater and stare at the friggin' ceiling up there.
7. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?"..... Didn't really give me a choice, did ya there buddy?
8. When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything
before it. If it's an improvement, then it must not be the first one!!
9. When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going?
You should know asshole you fucking pulled me over!
Transplant.
There was a guy who had been having chronic trouble in trying to get an
erection. After weeks of frustration, he finally breaks down and goes to
the doctor. The doctor gives him a thorough examination and finally makes the diagnosis.
"Well, there's good news and there's bad news," she says.
"The bad news is that the muscles around your penis are deteriorating, and there is no cure."
The guy, on the verge of panic, finally regains his composure.
"So what's the good news?" he asks.
The doctor says, "There is an experimental treatment available,
but there are no guarantees. It involves transplanting the muscles from a
baby elephant's trunk into your penis. Would you like to try it?"
The guy thinks about it and finally says, "Well, the thought of going
through life without being able to have sex is just too much for me.
What have I got to lose? Let's do it." So the doctor performs the operation.
A few weeks later, the guy takes his girlfriend out to a nice restaurant
to celebrate his new equipment. While sitting at the table, he feels a
stirring between his legs; it gets progressively worse until it reaches the point of being painful.
Seeking relief, he reaches down and unzips his fly to relieve some of the
pressure. Suddenly, his penis leaps free from his pants, slides over the
tabletop and grabs a dinner roll, then returns to his pants again.
"Wow!" says his stunned girlfriend, "That was impressive! Can you do that again?"
Eyes watering and face flushed, he says, "Probably...But I don't know if I can
fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
The Most Powerful Word.
Shit is a powerful word. Just think of all the concepts and ideas you can communicate with it.
Shit may just be the most powerful word in the English language. CONSIDER THIS:
You can be shit faced, be shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die.
You can shit or go blind, have a shit fit or just shit your life away.
People can be shit headed, shit brained, shit blinded, and shit over.
Some people know their shit while others can't tell the difference between shit and shineola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits, and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, and horse shit and chicken shit.
You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, or duck when the shit hits the fan.
You can take a shit, give a shit, or serve shit on a shingle.
You can find yourself in deep shit, or be happier than a pig in shit.
Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit, and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit.
You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shits creek without a paddle.
Sometimes you really need this shit and sometimes you don't want any shit at all.
Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you swim in a lake of shit and come out smelling like a rose.
SHIT ! When you stop to consider all the facts, it's the basic building block of creation.
And remember, once you know your shit, you don't need to know anything else.
Ever want to call someone stupid, but want to do it in a way that
is politically correct? Here are some great suggestions...
* A few clowns short of a circus
* A few fries short of a Happy Meal
* An experiment in artificial stupidity
* A few beers short of a six pack
* Dumber than a box of hair
* A few peas short of a casserole
* Doesn't have all his Cornflakes in one box
* The wheel's spinning but the hamster's dead
* One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl
* An intellect rivaled only by garden tools
* As smart as bait
* Chimney's clogged
* Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash
* Doesn't know much, but leads the league in nostril hair
* Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor
* Forgot to pay his brain bill
* Her sewing machine's out of thread
* His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels
Great Female Comebacks.
Man "Haven't we met before?"
Woman "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man "Is this seat empty?"
Woman "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man "So, wanna go back to my place ?"
Woman "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man "Your place or mine?"
Woman "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman "It's in the phone book."
Man "But I don't know your name."
Woman "That's in the phone book too."
Man "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman "I'm a female impersonator."
Man "What sign were you born under?"
Woman "No Parking."
Man "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman "Do not Enter"
Man "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman "Unfertilized"
Man "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man "I know how to please a woman."
Woman "Then please leave me alone."
Man "I want to give myself to you."
Woman "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man "I can tell that you want me."
Woman "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."
Man "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy
Woman "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man "Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots?"
Woman "Sorry, I don't date outside my species.."
Man "Your body is like a temple."
Woman "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man "I would go to the end of the world for you."
Woman "Yes, but would you stay there?
The Bridge:
A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting
ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a
little man with no arms dancing all around on the river
bank. He thought to himself, "life isn't so bad after all,"
and climbed down from the railing.
He then walked down to the riverbank to thank the little
man for saving his life.
"Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge
and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you
have no arms, I changed my mind."
"I am not dancing, you dickhead!" the armless man replied
bitterly. "My asshole itches and I can't scratch it."
The Blackboard:
One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone
had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class,
scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face.
Finding not a guilty face in the bunch,
she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.
The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger
letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she
looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And
so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and
found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger
than the previous day.
Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be
greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the
blackboard:
"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets!"
Jack Schitt:
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, "You don't know Jack
Schitt!" Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt,
the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N.
Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe
Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt,
Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high
school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt
divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids
were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then
known as Noe Schitt Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and
they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were
inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a
dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd,
and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt. Now
when someone says, "You don't know Jack Schitt," you can correct them by
saying you know about the whole family.
Sincerely, Crock O. Schitt
The Nun's:
A train hits a bus load of nuns and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St Peter.
He asks the first nun Sister Karen have you ever had any contact with a penis???
The nun giggles and replies,
Well, once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.
St Peter says OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and
pass through the gate.
St Peter asks the next nun the same question,
Sister Elizabeth have you ever had any contact with a penis?
The nun is a little reluctant but replies, Well I once fondled and stroked one..
St Peter says, OK dip your hand in the holy water and pass through the gate...
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of nuns.
One nun is pushing her way to the front.
When she reaches the front of the line St Peter says,
Sister, Sister, what seems to be the rush???
The nun replies, If I'm going to have to gargle that holy water,
I want to go before Sister Mary sticks her ass in it!
If a bra is an upper topper titty flopper stopper, a
jock strap is a lower decker pecker checker and
a roll of toilet tissue is a super duper doody pooper scooper,
what do you call a Japanese drummer boy whose father has diarrhea?
A slap happy Jappy with a crap happy pappy.
Secret's to a happy marriage
1. It is important to find a woman that cooks and cleans.
2. It is important to find a woman that makes good money.
3. It is important to find a woman that likes to wild sex.
4. It is important that these three women never meet
Toilet Habits.
Easy Steps to Shit like a Woman:
1. Under no circumstances use any other toilet than your own, regardless of
any stomach pain may be caused whilst waiting to get home.
2. With the toilet-brush, clean any residue left on the pan by your
boyfriend/husband. Also wipe his pubes off the seat with some toilet paper.
3. Flush the toilet before starting. Then wash your hands.
4. Line the toilet seat with toilet paper (as other people may have sat on
the toilet since it was last bleached).
5. Stuff toilet paper inside the pan to prevent splash-back.
6. Pull panties down and sit. Some women may still prefer to squat over the
seat as opposed to taking the risk of touching it with bare flesh.
7. Release solids, but strain to avoid making any sounds.
8. Rise and quickly flush before direct eye-contact is made with any faeces.
9. Take a length of toilet paper and fold it several times to positively
guarantee that no residue will touch bare skin (about five or six applications per role).
10. Wipe once and throw paper into the pan. Do not look at the paper.
11. Repeat steps 9 and 10 at least thirty times. It may be necessary to
yell for your boyfriend/husband to find some more rolls to pass through
the door while promising not to open his eyes or pass any comments. It is
traditional to do this while he is trying to watch sport.
12. Flush the toilet and replace the lid.
13. Wash hands at least three times with disinfectant soap.
14. Open all windows and spray approximately half-a-can of air freshener.
15. Pick up all reading material left behind by your boyfriend/husband and
leave bathroom, closing the door firmly behind you.
Easy Steps to Shit like a Man:
1. Select reading material (can be anything except a porn-mag; tried by
every man once, but never repeated - see step 4).
2. Tell everyone along the way, "Just going for a dump, okay?" Always tell
girlfriend/wife, especially when she has visitors.
3. Pull pants and trousers around ankles, then sit down.
4. Adjust penis and testicles to hang comfortably without touching the toilet rim.
5. Open reading material and relax.
6. Whilst waiting, it is traditional to audibly fart.
7. Sigh loudly as the first one bullets out. It is quite normal to
experience a cold jet of water rocket up your anus as a result of the
first bomb. This is to be endured if you want to be a real man.
8. Remain sitting and reading until pins-and-needles set in to your legs and buttocks.
9. Rise and look at the poo. Make mental notes of any irregularities to
report to friends and girlfriend/wife, e.g. colour, consistency, any
visible traces of peanuts, etc. You must tell people about it.
10. Take long length of paper and wipe anus. You must look at the paper
before throwing it into the pan.
11. Repeat step 10 until there is no longer any evidence of faeces on the paper.
12. Flush. If there is any residue left on the pan, under no circumstances
attempt to clean it off. In due course, it will come away by itself. Or
when your girlfriend/wife next uses the loo.
13. Leave the seat up. Leave the reading material on the floor (you can use it again later).
14. Wash your hands once.
15. Vacate the bathroom, leaving the door open. It is important to a man's
self-esteem that other people smell his produce.
At The Zoo.
A man and his wife are at the zoo. As they walk through the ape exhibit,
they pass in front of a very large, hairy gorilla. Noticing her, the gorilla
starts bouncing around his cage. He jumps up on the bars and, holding
on with one hand, grunts and pounds his chest.
The husband, finding this funny, suggests that his wife tease the poor
primate. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at
him, and play along. She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited,
making noises that would raise the dead. Then, the husband suggests that she
let one of the straps to her dress fall to show a bit more skin.
She does and Mr. Gorilla nearly tears the bars down. "Now, lift your
dress up to your thighs and sort of fan it at him," says the man. She does,
driving the gorilla absolutely crazy to the point at which he starts doing flips.
Then, the husband grabs his wife, throws open the door to the cage,
slings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.
"Now tell HIM you have a headache."
Vibrator.
A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming
from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her
daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. What are you doing?" she
exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my
parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound
coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter
naked on the sofa with her vibrator. "What are you doing?" he exclaimed.
The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and
this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."
A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time
in the living room. In there, she found her husband watching the Super
bowl on television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him. "What are
you doing?" she exclaimed. "Watching the game with my son-in-law."
I Don't Think So.
A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts,
"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway?
It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I
have "Southern Electric" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well, then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right."
To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I
have "Zanussi" written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "then could you at least fix the steps to the front door?
They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter
and I don't want to fix the steps," he says.
'Does it look like I have "B&Q" written on my forehead? I don't think so.
I've had enough of you. I'm going to the pub!!!"
So he goes to the pub and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel
guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out.
As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed.
As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As
he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.
"Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried.
Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.
He offered to do all the repairs,
and all I had to do was either bake him a cake or give him a blow job.
So the husband asked, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooooo........ Do you see Delia Smith written on my
forehead? I don't think so."
Olympic Condom's.
A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms.
Clearly impressed, he buys a pack.
Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.
"Olympic condoms?" she blurts. "What makes them so special?"
"There are three colours", he replies, "Gold, Silver and Bronze."
"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.
"Gold of course, says the man proudly.
The wife responds, "Really, why don't you wear Silver,
it would be nice if you came second for a change!"
Divorce.
A married couple is driving down the Highway doing 80kpm.
The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says,
"Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 90 kph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it,
because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and
he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger
increases. She says, "I want the house." Again the husband
speeds up, and now is doing 100 kph.
She says, "I want the kids, too." The husband just keeps
driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 110 kph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the
credit cards, too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward
a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 120 kph,
"I've got the airbag!"
Sandwich.
There was a woman who was dating a guy.
The guy asked her if they could make whooppi and she was living
in an apartment at the time and said, "I only have bunk beds,
my son sleeps on the bottom and I sleep on the top."
He agreed to sleep with her and said "Let's use a special code.
Lettuce for slower, Tomato for faster."
They were having sex and she was saying. "Lettuce, Lettuce, Tomato,
Tomato!!!" and her son said. "Would you please stop making sandwiches up
there. You're getting the mayonnaise in my face!!"
Bedtime Prayer (for Men).
As I lay me down to sleep
I pray for a woman, who's very cheap.
One who's sexy, blonde and long.
Who notices that she's mostly wrong.
One who sucks And doesn't speak.
And promises to do so, at least Once a week.
I pray that she is very randy,
'cause one like that would come in handy.
Opens her leg and lies on the floor, and once I'm done, she begs for more.
Oh! Send me a woman who won't play with my mind.
Who knows what she wants and that's up the behind!
One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin' and brings ME a beer, when she comes from the kitchen!
I pray that she'll last right up to the end,
And would never complain when I do her best friend.
Thanks in advance and you know I can't wait, so I'll screw all the rest 'cause it's never too late.
Amen
To My Dear Wife,
During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times.
I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of once every ten
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:
54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us
Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory
because 6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a
crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over
with, 7 times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I
was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.
To My Dear Husband:
I think you have things a little confused !? Here are the reasons you didn't get more than you did:
5 times you came home drunk and tried to screw the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc on TV
Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because
you missed and were screwing the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack
in the ceiling, what I said was would you prefer me on my back or kneeling
The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was trying to breathe.
How To Shower Like A Man:
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo-woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no).
Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror and scratch your ass.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).
6. Wash your face.
7. Wash your armpits.
8. Blow your nose in your hands, then let the water just rinse it off.
9. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
10. Majority of time is spent washing your privates and surrounding area.
11. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs on the soap bar.
12. Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
13. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
14. Peek out of shower curtain to look at yourself in the mirror again.
15. Pee (in the shower).
16. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.
17. Partially dry off.
18. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles, admire wiener size again.
19. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
20 Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, shake wiener at her,
and make the woo-woo sound again.
22. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
The Penis Poem:
My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal,
Is now my water spout.
Time was when, on its own accord,
From my trousers it would spring,
But now I've got a full-time job,
To find the blasted thing.
It used to be embarrassing,
The way it would behave,
For every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave.
Now as old age approaches,
It sure gives me the blues,
To see it hang its little head,
And watch me tie my shoes!
Men don't listen
On a flight to Chicago, a gentleman had a serious problem.
He had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.
The Stewardess noticed that he was walking short steps and had a look of pain on his face.
"Sir", she said, "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to
touch any of the buttons on the wall." He would have promised anything and said so.
The relief was pure joy, and as he sat there savouring the feeling,
he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW,WA,PP,and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist.
He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air
replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this
stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom
adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure.
The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving
pleasure. When the powder puff completed it's pleasure, he couldn't
wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
He knew he was in a hospital as soon as he opened his eyes. A
nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?!" he exclaimed.
"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover.
Your testicles are under your pillow."
The word Fuck
Perhaps one of the most interesting and colourful words in the English language today is the word "fuck".
It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, love, and hate.
In language , "fuck" falls into many Grammatical categories.
It can be used as a verb both transitive (John fucked Mary) and intransitive (Mary was fucked by John).
It can be an action verb (John really gives a fuck), a passive verb (Mary really doesn't give a fuck),
and adverb (Mary is fucking interested in John),or as a noun (Mary is a terrific fuck).
It can also be used as an interjection Fuck! I'm late for my date with Mary).
It can even be used as a conjunction (Mary is easy, fuck she's also stupid).
As you can see there aren't very words with the overall versatility of the word fuck.
Aside from its sexual connotations, this word can be used to describe many situations:
1. Greetings........."How the fuck are ya?"
2. Fraud............."I got fucked by the car dealer."
3. Resignation......."Oh, fuck it!"
4. Trouble..........."I guess I'm fucked now."
5. Aggression........."FUCK YOU!"
6. Disgust..........."Fuck me."
7. Confusion........."What the fuck....?"
8. Displeasure......."Fucking shit man..."
9. Lost.............."where the fuck are we?"
10.Disbelief.........."UNFUCKINGBELIEVABLE!!"
11.Retaliation........"Up your fucking ass!"
12.Apathy............."Who really gives a fuck?"
13.Suspicion.........."Who the fuck are you?"
14.Directions........."Fuck off."
It can be maternal........"MOTHERFUCKER!!"
It can be used to tell time......."It's four fuckingtwenty!"
It can be used as an anatomical description......."He's a fuckingasshole."
Lastly, it has been used by many notable people throughout history:
"What the fuck was that?" ~Mayor of Hiroshima~
"That's not a real fucking gun." ~John Lennon~
"Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" ~Captain of the Titanic~
"Who the fuck is gonna find out?" ~Richard Nixon~
"Heads are gonna fucking roll." ~Anne Boleyn~
"Any fucking idiot could answer that." ~AlbertEinstein~
"It does so fucking look like her!" ~Picasso~
"You want what on the fucking ceiling?" ?~Michaelangelo~
"Fuck a duck." ~Walt Disney~
"Houston we have a big fucking problem." ~The crew of Apollo 13~
Now send this to at least 10 people or you'll be fucked!
Two Gay Guy's:
Two gay guys are going at it. Then one gets up and says, "Stay right there I'll be right back."
When the guy comes back into the bedroom cum is everywhere, on the wall and the furniture.
The guy says, "What the hell happened?", and the other gay guy says, "I farted."
Three Sister's:
Three sisters wanted to get married, but their parents couldn't afford it so they had all of them on the same day.
They also couldn't afford to go on a honeymoon so they all stayed home with their new hubbies.
That night the mother got up because she couldn't sleep.
When she went past her oldest daughter's room she heard screaming.
Then she went to her second daughters room and she heard laughing.
Then she went to her youngest daughter's room and she couldn't hear anything.
The next morning when the men left the mother asked her oldest daughter,
"Why were you screaming last night?" The daughter replied "Mom you always told me if something hurt I should scream."
"That's true." She looked at her second daughter. "Why were you laughing so much last night?"
The daughter replied "Mom you always said that if something tickled you should laugh."
"That's also true." Then the mother looked at her youngest daughter.
"Why was it so quiet in your room last night?"
The youngest daughter replied "Mom you always told me I should never talk with my mouth full."
The Little Old Lady and the Vibrator:
A little old lady with blue hair entered the sex shop and asked in a quavering voice, "Yy-young man, dd-do y-you sell-l d-dildoes h-here?"
The salesman, somewhat taken aback by the little old lady's appearance in his shop, answered, "Uh, yes ma'am. We do."
The little old lady, holding her quivering hands about ten inches apart, asked, "D-do y-you ha-ave an-ny ab-bb-bout th-this lon-ong?"
"Well, yes ma'am, we do. We have several that size."
Forming a five-inch circle with her fingers, she then asked, "A-are an-nny of t-them ab-b-bout thi-is b-big ar-round-d?"
"Well yes, ma'am, a few of them are about that big."
"D-do aa-ny of t-them ha-ave a v-v-vibra-a-ator?"
"Yes, ma'am, one of them does."
"W-w-ell th-then, h-how d-do yo-ou t-turn it off?"
The real meaning behind the abbreviations in personal ads:
FIRST THE WOMEN
40-ish.......................... 48
Adventurer...... Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic....................... Flat-chested
Average looking............Ugly
Beautiful..................... Pathological liar
Contagious Smile.........Bring your penicillin
Educated................... College dropout
Emotionally Secure......Medicated
Feminist..................... Fat; ball buster
Free spirit................... Substance user
Friendship first..... Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun............................ Annoying
Gentle........................ Comatose
Good Listener............. Borderline Autistic
New-Age.................... All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned........Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded............. Desperate
Outgoing................... Loud
Passionate................ Loud
Poet......................... Depressive financially insecure
Professional.............. Real Witch
Redhead................... Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque............ Grossly Fat
Romantic.................. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous............... Very Fat
Weight proportional to height....Hugely Fat
Wants Soul mate........One step away from stalking
Widow...................... Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart.......... Toothless crone
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish....................... 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic.................... Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking.........Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated................. Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit................ Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first.....As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun......................... Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking............ Arrogant
Honest..................... Pathological Liar
Huggable..........Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle........... Insecure, overly dependent
Froze to Death
Two men waiting at the pearly gates strike up a conversation.
"How'd you die?" the first man asks the second.
"I froze to death," says the second. "That's awful, how does it feel to freeze to death?" says the first.
"It's very uncomfortable at first, you get the shakes, and you get pains
in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it's a very calm way to go.
You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you're sleeping.
How did you die?" says the second. "I had a heart attack", says the first guy.
"You see, I knew my wife was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly.
I ran up to the bedroom, and found her alone, knitting.
I ran down to the basement, but no one was hiding there.
I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either.
I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."
The second man shakes his head. "that's so ironic" he says.
"What do you mean?" asks the first man "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive."
Comeback lines 2.
Man: Haven't I seen you some place before?
Woman: Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore.
Man: Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut.
Man: Is this seat empty?
Woman: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
Man: Probably because you'll be on your knees sucking my cock.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Man: That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my
car, I don't give a shit where you go.
Man: So, what do you do for a living?
Woman: I'm a female impersonator.
Man: So that's why you've got that little moustache.
Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Woman: Unfertilised
Man: No problem, I can always shoot my load up your arse.
Man: I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: But would you stay there?
Man: Probably, cause you seem like the kind of desperate bitch that's
impossible to shake off once you've shagged her.
Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Man: That works for me....as long as you're still a bit warm when I shove it up your arse.
Male: Would you like to dance?
Woman: I'd rather die.
Male: I think you misheard me. I said your arse looks fat in those pants.
Harry.
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is!
I think I should be in the third-grade too!"
The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.
The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer
any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave.
The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"
The principal and Harry both agree.
The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?" The
principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
Principal was looking restless and bit tense.
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Fire truck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher
"Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."
Text
