eastern sun
hungry little creature
- Joined
- Nov 19, 2005
- Posts
- 2,703
While I get what you are saying, what I was referring to was in part as Homburg said, but also some of what you speak of in that you keep coming back to it is important for you to be content and happy to be able to serve him best and enhance his contentment. While we all like to believe our PYL will not break or harm us, I think once TPE is entered into nothing is written in stone and if it so happens that the PYL decides on an action they know will not affect their slave well, be well accepted etc., it is their right to put their needs ahead of the slaves contentment. It may not make for a blissful existance at times, but then I have always felt if I wanted guarantees and my needs to be paramount I would have nominated to remain a submissive at best.
For me to say I have given my life to him, it translates to he now owns me totally and makes the decisions about how he treats me, what happens to me. With that I cannot expect he will do only those things I react and feel positively about and that he be forever mindful that his happiness and contentment must necessarily rely on how happy and content he keeps me with the understanding if he doesn't do what makes me happy, it will then come back on him in a negative way. I can't give myself to him and then insist or expect he act in a certain manner which pleases me 100%. Similarly, if he feels I can improve myself in a particular way which will please him, he will tell me and expect me to remodel myself accordingly, not so much me deciding how I can improve myself and acting on it. For others it may be different, but for me, as much as I may not be happy, sometimes downright depressed and/or shattered about something he does/decides/says, it is what I agreed to do my best at accepting and adapting to when giving him power over me and my life.
Catalina
I've been thinking a lot about this statement, Catalina.
He has made unilateral decisions that have left me reeling. Destroying something I'm working on. Challenging my sense of personal security. Requiring me to do something that I couldn't handle at all.
These are not events that I can overcome in a day, or even a month. These are not the type of moments that tender aftercare soothes.
These are the events that make me question everything.
I can say, in retrospect, that every time I lost something, I gained something else. And every time I thought he put me in danger, I was never hurt.
The problem is that moment when you're shattered.
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It was always my own actions that brought me back.
And when I was finally able to pick up the pieces, I had the chance to put them together in new ways. In ways that more closely conformed to the truth that I'm learning. In ways that allow more open space inside.
If I can keep from crowding myself with plans and ambition, thoughts and desires, I can be more receptive to the truth of the world around me, and the actions that need to be taken.
And if I focus on my actions, there's really nothing to lose.
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I know this is vague. Perhaps I'll explore the details another time.
But I am interested in how other people have dealt with these shattering moments.