The Bunny Thread

[BiBunny]

I'm starting this thread because I often have things on my mind and don't want to clutter up others' threads with it. (I was inspired to start it by some posts in the Blurt thread.) If you're not interested in my drama, you'll be able to mostly avoid it by simply ignoring the existence of this thread.

I'm typing all this out in Notepad before I post because my OP is actually going to be two different posts. This one is just an explanation of why I created the thread and a quick update of what's going on in my life right now. The second one will be what's on my mind right now. Feel free to respond to either, both, or neither as you like. I won't be offended, regardless of what you choose to do with my BS.


In case you missed it, I've been playing with a man I call Daddy for about six months. Recently, I told him I wanted more than for us to just be play partners, and after giving it several days' worth of thought, he told me he couldn't give that to me. We agreed to remain play partners.

I admit to being a little in love with him, and I've...been taking it hard. There's been a lot of liquor involved.

I decided I'd try to do some things to take my mind off of it, though, so I went out with a guy who calls himself a dom on Friday. We had sex at the end of the night, and he undoubtedly thinks it went well. I'm not interested in him, though, because he's a Grade A clinger (and also not a dom, at least not in my opinion), and I just...cannot.

I went on another date on Tuesday with another guy. Had sex with him, too, but am equally uninterested in him, for completely different reasons.

Now it's Thursday, and I'm still drinking heavily.

Why am I telling y'all this? Because it leads directly into my next post, on my hang-ups about sex and submission....

 

[BiBunny]

Do any of y'all remember osg--ownedsubgal?

Everything about her frightened me because I saw so much of myself in her posts, and I was not always as kind to her as I should've been for that reason. I wish I could tell her I'm sorry.

Anyway, if y'all don't remember her, that's ok. It's not necessary for understanding this post.

I have a strange relationship with sex. When I'm discussing it with my friends--who are the only people up until now I've ever told about it--I say I'm a sex addict, although I don't think that's quite what it is.

Sometimes, I have sex because I want to. That's what it's been like with Daddy and a handful of other men in my life.

Usually, it's because I feel like I have to. It's an inability to say no, the feeling that I owe it to the other person, or just something to do to stop the screaming in my head for awhile. Maybe I think I need the validation that a man wanting to fuck me gives me, or maybe I'm just a pathetic woman-child who never learned how to set boundaries. I don't know, and really, I don't care. The whys don't seem to matter that much.

I hesitate to tie this to submission because I just know it's going to invite the "You're just a people pleaser who doesn't know how to set boundaries, and you have low self-esteem, and how dare you compare yourself to me and my true submissiveness, blah, blah, co-dependence, blah, blah, I'm independent and therefore better than you, you contemptible doormat" bullshit. Ok, we get it, Dr. Freud, I'm an imposter. Fine.

But still, I think there is a correlation. I struggle with saying no to anyone about anything (unless I'm angry). I avoid conflict like the plague. I haven't even been able to get rid of the dates I mentioned in the post above because I don't want to upset anyone, and I feel like this is my own fault for fucking them and giving them the wrong idea in the first place.

I hate being submissive. I hate it so much that I pretended it didn't even exist for years. It is the one thing I hate most about myself because of all the trouble and the hurt it's caused me over the years. I hate it. I can't even begin to tell y'all.

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I'm not even looking for advice, not really. I guess I just needed to talk. I'm sorry for using the boards like this. I know that's not really what they're for.

I am a mess. I know this about myself. Please be gentle, if you can.

 

[BiBunny]

I may take that second post down, by the way. I don't know how comfortable I feel about leaving up right now.

 

[spanky5147]

Leave it up, it shows how you feel. You'll regret taking it down

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[BiBunny]

Do what feels right bunnykins. I'll only say I empathise, strongly, with some of what you wrote, but not all, but the bits I don't personally relate yo...I am certain some one here will

Your tellings have been some of those I 'got' and took heart from most, for all our difference and know in your ...searching? Now, i think you are still a beacon of what sexuality and life can be for lots of us.

Bunny, care for your liver Sweets.

 

[gracie920101]

Wow, Bunny!! I thinks it's terrific that you have the balls to put it all out there for everyone to see. Yeah, it's not pretty. Yeah, it opens you up for dweebs to rip you apart and yeah, you're not alone in some of those actions and feelings.

You're my hero for verbalizing what so many of us can't.



(For each oz. of alcohol, drink the same or more amount of water.)

 

[BiBunny]

Wow, Bunny!! I thinks it's terrific that you have the balls to put it all out there for everyone to see. Yeah, it's not pretty. Yeah, it opens you up for dweebs to rip you apart and yeah, you're not alone in some of those actions and feelings.

You're my hero for verbalizing what so many of us can't.



(For each oz. of alcohol, drink the same or more amount of water.)

Thank you, gracie.

(I've been trying to balance my water/Gatorade intake with my alcohol intake.)

 

[Pawleys16]

I may take that second post down, by the way. I don't know how comfortable I feel about leaving up right now.

Expressing your feeling is always good for you and the ones that truly care about you. Keep communicating! You will find a good listener soon.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[TheWhiteBull]

Im not a submissive person but I do try to avoid needless conflict. It makes me think of something though...

My grandfather was a great man, everybody loved him and even though he was very much the silent type (as in rarely spoke) everybody also referred to him as wise. The only thing was everyone also knew that he was very submissive towards my grandmother, who domineered his life and attempted to do the same to the rest of her family. Their relationship was like this from the time they got together (High School in the '50s), until 2010 when he up and decided that he had had enough. It devastated my grandmother and reduced her from this woman who had totally controlled him for 60 years to a sobbing mess begging him via phone every day to not do this, come back, she'd change, etc. etc.

All this to say that you can do something about the way you feel now, or just a few years before the end of your life (sorry for the morbidity). But by opening up I feel like you're starting down a good path.

 

[cookiecat]

Wow. That screaming in your head stuff sucks. It's so hard to turn it off.

At the very least, you're self aware. Which sometimes is the worst. At times, I'd rather be blissfully unaware. That being said, knowing you're in this place is part of the battle. How to get out of it, or at least make peace with it, is the next part.

You asked us to be gentle with you. I'd say the same for yourself. You are who you are. Cut yourself a little slack and be kind to yourself.

Hoping your heart, your brain, whatever else hurts, begins to heal.

 

[rbijon]

BiBunny
(((((((((([Hugs]))))))))))'s

 

[cascadiabound]

Wow. That screaming in your head stuff sucks. It's so hard to turn it off.

At the very least, you're self aware. Which sometimes is the worst. At times, I'd rather be blissfully unaware. That being said, knowing you're in this place is part of the battle. How to get out of it, or at least make peace with it, is the next part.

You asked us to be gentle with you. I'd say the same for yourself. You are who you are. Cut yourself a little slack and be kind to yourself.

Hoping your heart, your brain, whatever else hurts, begins to heal.

I would echo this. Be as kind to yourself as you might ask us to be to you. And I hope you don't take down your second post. I agree it is brave to put all that not so pretty stuff out there, but it is honest and real and that is a big step really.

I kinda know what you mean about having a hard time facing being submissive. The gals that run around here who seem like they just love embracing their submissive selves... I do not get that. I have so much cognitive dissonance in my head sometimes I do not know what to do with it. I can't say I experience the voice in my head as screaming... but it is sometimes really hard to listen to and I am not always sure that the decisions I am making actually make sense in an objective way.

Lots of people are conflict avoiders - I am not sure that is really part and parcel of being submissive. The advice given on other threads about just being clean about not being interested in continuing with the guys you had one night stands with seems to be sound to me. Sometimes we just need to have sex to feel okay and to get through the night. There is nothing wrong with that... but I think you should probably not string the fellows along any longer than necessary.

Also - water/ gate-raid in equal measure to your liquor. Do take care of your liver. ((((((Bunny))))))

take care of you.

cb

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[SissySalina]

Thank you for your openness.
sissy has been in that place and found the way out of the dark pit.
Sometimes it helps sharing, that is how sissy found Her and climbed out of the dark pit.
Be good to yourself and truthful.

 

[ToPleaseHim]

{{{Bunny}}}

 

[cookiecat]

(((snipped)))

The gals that run around here who seem like they just love embracing their submissive selves... I do not get that. I have so much cognitive dissonance in my head sometimes I do not know what to do with it. I can't say I experience the voice in my head as screaming... but it is sometimes really hard to listen to and I am not always sure that the decisions I am making actually make sense in an objective way.


cb

I'm one of the gals who love embracing my submissive self. I think I run around here a lot, too. It took forever (and some therapy) to figure out this side of me. Did I just want someone to boss me around because I couldn't manage me? Was it wrapped up in trying to avoid standing up for myself? I'm a pretty strong willed woman, did admitting I was submissive make me weak?

Like you wrote, Bunny, I tend to think of my personal life (oddly not my work life) as a hot mess. Fucked up. The voices in my head play my shortcomings over and over and over.

Now, I think so what if I avoid conflict? I don't have the energy to voice my opinion or stand up for myself so I just walk away. Sometimes that's ok. It's not just conflict avoidance, it's drama avoidance.

So what if you fucked that guy and now can't tell him you're not interested? Isn't he a grown ass man who can take some responsibility for being a clinger? Why is it all on you to resolve that with him?

I get it: you're feeling unhealthy or boxed in by this behavior and that's not good. Certainly something has to change in order for you to quell the screams. The reasons why you fucked those guys aren't the best reasons. Although the fact Daddy broke your heart is a pretty big reason. Is it really such an awful thing you fucked a couple guys to feel better? I realize this is bigger than just the couple of guys.

I don't know. Maybe I'm talking in circles. Trying to explain something I can't clarify. Submission is being gentle. Embracing your flaws and saying this is who I am. This doesn't absolve you of taking responsibility for your choices. It doesn't allow you to be dishonest or not try your best.

Accepting my submissive side has helped me take a step back from all the tension I create for myself. The demons still carry on a conversation in my head but it's a little more quiet. I'm in there somewhere, managing the conversation.

I hope you can find this gentle spot for yourself.

 

[HisArpy]

The "whys" matter a great deal.

Self esteem issues are hard to deal with by yourself. For some reason you've tied your sense of self with sex. And, while that's not all bad, it's not all good either. And, in your case you seem to have made it involve self destructive behaviors too. On top of that, you are now not only hurting yourself, you are hurting others.

That you're posting this while uncomfortable about revealing yourself here tells me that your subconscious mind knows there's a problem and is seeking a real solution. A real solution, not another mask to hide the problem to make it comfortable looking/feeling again.

Find a counselor who can help you deal with this. You know you need it or you wouldn't be posting. Find one who you can talk to intimately without hesitation. One who will push you, not just sit and listen to you whine. And change your lifestyle. Do a drastic change and do not involve sex in it. Something extremely positive, go back to school, a second job, fitness, and so forth. But first and foremost, find that counselor.

You are looking for the gate to the path of self improvement. It's right in front of you - step forward and keep going. And do not look back.

 

[Primalex]

Do any of y'all remember osg--ownedsubgal?

Sure. The best description I have is: one of the 1% people.
As in "99% of the population wouldn't do that. And then there is osg."

I don't even know why I'm posting this. I'm not even looking for advice, not really. I guess I just needed to talk. I'm sorry for using the boards like this. I know that's not really what they're for.

Just add some more details about the sex and you are fine.


It's common to pursue an ideal on how to be. Failing to reach this ideal is frustrating. Hating yourself for failing is destructive. I have accepted that the way I am is the way I am. There are butterflies and there are dung beetles. If your destiny is to roll shit into balls, there is no point in trying to fly around and fuck flowers. If you are wired to fuck everyone who doesn't run away, then get a bigger pack of condoms.

I think I'm done with the smart-ass comments now.

 

[DarkSimian]

BiBunny....

I know you don't know me, but what you've written speaks to me ALOT. The voices, the alcohol, the need vs. want, the guilt of letting people down....

Just throwing it out there, that my door is always open. No judgements, no lectures, no guilt......just someone to listen, if you need it

 

[BiBunny]

Thank you, everyone, for being so kind to me.

Today's been a rough day. I hope tomorrow I'll feel up to answering everybody individually.

 

[spanky5147]

......

 

[Azuldrgon]

First of all *tight hug* ....

BB, I can understand a bunch of what you're talking about. The biggest thing I would submit to you is that as messed up as you think you are, you're not.

I wish you would balance the drinking though. Based on the above responses, there are people here who do care about your welfare and would miss you if you did too much.

I have been there when it comes to not being able to say no. At the same point, I also see that you have opinions and you know what you want.

Just like DS (Beastie) my door is open as well if you need to talk. *tight hug again*

 

[BiBunny]

Well, turns out, he's already met someone else and has her calling him "Daddy," too. So I suppose I'm out like yesterday's trash.

The best part is, I got to hear it all secondhand from someone else.