Notes from the underworld

[femboitessa]

I'm not sure why I began this post, but I am feeling like I need to pour out what I have been feeling. Comment if you like, share your own expereinces if you like, but whatever it is, thank you for reading my logorhea!

I suppose my days are often filled with thoughts of sex, of being used, by Men, by Women, by Anyone actually. But the thoughts of such things mask something deeper, I feel. I think it masks my need to belong, truly belong, not just to someone or some place, but to myself.

I am undergoing CHT at the moment, and while I look forward to my full transition, I'd be lying if I said I am not afraid of the future. Because at the heart of things, I don;t want my transgendered-ness to be the only thing that defines me. I love to read, I love to write, and I'm working on a few short story projects. I study Greek classic and World Literature at University, and I play the violin.

Yet the world sees me as one thing and one thing only.

Don;t get me wrong, I love the sexual intoxication. I love being watched, love being wolf-whistled at, and perhaps that's my mistake - I let that happen, and it takes over the world's erception of who I am.

So each day is a struggle, not only with the abuses and remarks and side glances that aren't very encouraging, but I also struggle with my own footing in the world.

What is everyone's expereince of this? How do they cope with that sexual beast within you as well as that tender human, who just wants to be? Is there a middle ground? Or is that only a mythical space?

 

[femboitessa]

bump

 

[lanceGibs]

Your sexual desires and your personna are your own.There is no point in trying to ascribed your personna to some one else's morals or morals of another time .
The middle ground lies in showing the middle finger to those cat calling,wolf whistling beasts who feel they have the moral responsibility to repress the sexual beast in you.

 

[femboitessa]

bumping

 

[lanceGibs]

In this world one can not always be tied to their incident of birth.
Gabriel Prosser and Nat Turner though born slaves in the States became celebrities and heroes the world over.
Mary Wade was selected,at age 11, by the best criminal lawyers of the UK to be one of the founding mother's of your country .The same criminal system selected Red Kelly to know more about him you need to go to Glenrowan.
In my view you need to see the incident of your birth as an opportunity to beat your surroundings and flower into the beautiful woman that you intend to be .
Cheer up , smile you have the world at your feet .

 

[AnnieLit]

How do they cope with that sexual beast within you as well as that tender human, who just wants to be? Is there a middle ground? Or is that only a mythical space?

My answer comes from a completely different perspective, but maybe it will still apply to your situation too - find a person (probably *the* person) that is capable of seeing and accepting BOTH parts of you. You don't need to compromise on either of your sides, they are what make you - you. How to find that person and how many proverbial frogs you will have to kiss before finding your prince is another question and nobody can give you an answer to that. But keep going, keep being the beautiful human that you are, and sooner or later the right person will see you. The whole YOU, not only the flashy parts.

 

[Escierto]

My answer comes from a completely different perspective, but maybe it will still apply to your situation too - find a person (probably *the* person) that is capable of seeing and accepting BOTH parts of you. You don't need to compromise on either of your sides, they are what make you - you. How to find that person and how many proverbial frogs you will have to kiss before finding your prince is another question and nobody can give you an answer to that. But keep going, keep being the beautiful human that you are, and sooner or later the right person will see you. The whole YOU, not only the flashy parts.

This is very true. It may take a long time. It may be someone you least expect. When you are open and receptive, the right person will appear.

 

[NikolasMann]

I'm not sure why I began this post, but I am feeling like I need to pour out what I have been feeling. Comment if you like, share your own expereinces if you like, but whatever it is, thank you for reading my logorhea!

I suppose my days are often filled with thoughts of sex, of being used, by Men, by Women, by Anyone actually. But the thoughts of such things mask something deeper, I feel. I think it masks my need to belong, truly belong, not just to someone or some place, but to myself.

I am undergoing CHT at the moment, and while I look forward to my full transition, I'd be lying if I said I am not afraid of the future. Because at the heart of things, I don;t want my transgendered-ness to be the only thing that defines me. I love to read, I love to write, and I'm working on a few short story projects. I study Greek classic and World Literature at University, and I play the violin.

Yet the world sees me as one thing and one thing only.

Don;t get me wrong, I love the sexual intoxication. I love being watched, love being wolf-whistled at, and perhaps that's my mistake - I let that happen, and it takes over the world's erception of who I am.

So each day is a struggle, not only with the abuses and remarks and side glances that aren't very encouraging, but I also struggle with my own footing in the world.

What is everyone's expereince of this? How do they cope with that sexual beast within you as well as that tender human, who just wants to be? Is there a middle ground? Or is that only a mythical space?

Baby girl. This middle ground is often mythical, yet, there is a way to get there, but the road there is difficult, and it may take a long time.
The point is, and others have already said this, is to have the courage to blaze your own trail. Only you can find it, only you know what you need.

But I have a sense that what you look for is a kind of firm hand, Someone who can guide you, make you see the path.

You need a Master, dont you, sweet pea.

Come, chat with me.

 

[Ceasar88]

Bump