New Author Would Love Feedback

[Rollerchick28]

Good Morning! My first story was published yesterday and I'm so excited! I would love your feedback and critiques! It's the first in a series, and I can't wait to see where my pen (keyboard) takes the characters!

The Babysitter and the Widower

Thanks!

Kayla aka Rollerchick

 

[OtherwisePrint6210]

I will have to read this later in a less public space. I did like the opening I read though. But I’m confused, a woman writing from a man’s point of view?

 

[Priscilla_June]

Wow super cute story for not having a roller skate fetish it had me very interested in the scene. I do enjoy the whole babysitter/father trope too.

As far as the feedback, I think it was well written, only issue I saw is there is a “he” that should be a “she” on the second page (sorry I forget where). But otherwise it flowed well.

I appreciate a good cliff hanger (not to give a spoiler to others who havn’t read) but In my experience some unforgiving readers will ding you for it if you don’t have a “part or chapter 1” in the title. Personally I hope you give us a second part haha

5 stars all around

 

[LostInPdx]

Really liked your story. Definitely a fun read. It seemed to flow well and I look forward to finding out what happens next. Also, this is just personal preference, I prefer to read stories from the female perspective. PLEASE do whatever you enjoy doing most! Thanks

 

[joy_of_cooking]

Fun story. I love when authors make me see what could be sexy about some utterly bizarre fetish I've never thought about before. (No offense; if you read my stuff you'll see I've got some bizarre fetishes of my own.)

I do wish you'd drawn out the tease quite a bit longer. Lizzie came on strongly for a 21 year old approaching a new widower double her age, and Paul acquiesced more readily than I would have expected given the amount of shame he has about his fetish and their age difference.

Lizzie's motivations are also a little too convenient. She's going to give up her twenties to care for and fuck a middle-aged man as a thank-you to a dead woman? And Paul was somehow completely unaware of the depth of this relationship his wife had with the girl next door?

Also, doesn't Paul think Heather doesn't know about his fetish? That nobody does? It would have been interesting to let him react more to the revelation that Heather knew, and now Lizzie and her sister know too. Is he embarrassed? In denial? Uncomfortable opening up to her about it after so long hiding it? Angry at this invasion of his privacy?

For what it's worth, I'm currently working on a story that starts with a woman walking up to a man at a house party and shouting, "Nice shoes! Wanna fuck?!" (Spoiler alert: they do.) So I'm not saying you can't write nice pat setups where people just dive into the sex, only pointing out other directions that might be interesting to explore.

Also, a couple of grammatical errors. E.g., "She touched my arm and smiles". They weren't confusing, though, except for one bit where you wrote, "She grabbed my hand and began to cry. Lizzie the psychologist could tell that she had touched the ultimate nerve. She found my emotional G-spot." I think it's Paul that starts crying first? That would make sense. I'm less clear on why Lizzie started crying afterward, though.

 

[MediocreAuthor]

Okay, minor complaints are all I have.

First off, I feel like this belongs in Erotic Couplings, not Romance. I suppose that's a matter of opinion, but I still stand by it.

Also, (and this is super personal) I feel like he was lusting after his baby sitter way to early in the story. I understand that you wanted to show how attractive the FMC was, but the MMC comes out looking kinda lecherous.

Otherwise it was a fun read.

 

[Rollerchick28]

I will have to read this later in a less public space. I did like the opening I read though. But I’m confused, a woman writing from a man’s point of view?

Yes! I wanted to try something completely different. It took way too long to make it seem authentic! I'll keep trying!

 

[Rollerchick28]

Wow super cute story for not having a roller skate fetish it had me very interested in the scene. I do enjoy the whole babysitter/father trope too.

As far as the feedback, I think it was well written, only issue I saw is there is a “he” that should be a “she” on the second page (sorry I forget where). But otherwise it flowed well.

I appreciate a good cliff hanger (not to give a spoiler to others who havn’t read) but In my experience some unforgiving readers will ding you for it if you don’t have a “part or chapter 1” in the title. Personally I hope you give us a second part haha

5 stars all around

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me! I already have parts 2 and 3 written, but I want to go back over them. Thank you!

 

[Rollerchick28]

Really liked your story. Definitely a fun read. It seemed to flow well and I look forward to finding out what happens next. Also, this is just personal preference, I prefer to read stories from the female perspective. PLEASE do whatever you enjoy doing most! Thanks

Thank you! Writing as a female from the male's perspective was challenging. You never know where this will go!

 

[Rollerchick28]

Fun story. I love when authors make me see what could be sexy about some utterly bizarre fetish I've never thought about before. (No offense; if you read my stuff you'll see I've got some bizarre fetishes of my own.)

I do wish you'd drawn out the tease quite a bit longer. Lizzie came on strongly for a 21 year old approaching a new widower double her age, and Paul acquiesced more readily than I would have expected given the amount of shame he has about his fetish and their age difference.

Lizzie's motivations are also a little too convenient. She's going to give up her twenties to care for and fuck a middle-aged man as a thank-you to a dead woman? And Paul was somehow completely unaware of the depth of this relationship his wife had with the girl next door?

Also, doesn't Paul think Heather doesn't know about his fetish? That nobody does? It would have been interesting to let him react more to the revelation that Heather knew, and now Lizzie and her sister know too. Is he embarrassed? In denial? Uncomfortable opening up to her about it after so long hiding it? Angry at this invasion of his privacy?

For what it's worth, I'm currently working on a story that starts with a woman walking up to a man at a house party and shouting, "Nice shoes! Wanna fuck?!" (Spoiler alert: they do.) So I'm not saying you can't write nice pat setups where people just dive into the sex, only pointing out other directions that might be interesting to explore.

Also, a couple of grammatical errors. E.g., "She touched my arm and smiles". They weren't confusing, though, except for one bit where you wrote, "She grabbed my hand and began to cry. Lizzie the psychologist could tell that she had touched the ultimate nerve. She found my emotional G-spot." I think it's Paul that starts crying first? That would make sense. I'm less clear on why Lizzie started crying afterward, though.

Fun story. I love when authors make me see what could be sexy about some utterly bizarre fetish I've never thought about before. (No offense; if you read my stuff you'll see I've got some bizarre fetishes of my own.)

I do wish you'd drawn out the tease quite a bit longer. Lizzie came on strongly for a 21 year old approaching a new widower double her age, and Paul acquiesced more readily than I would have expected given the amount of shame he has about his fetish and their age difference.

Lizzie's motivations are also a little too convenient. She's going to give up her twenties to care for and fuck a middle-aged man as a thank-you to a dead woman? And Paul was somehow completely unaware of the depth of this relationship his wife had with the girl next door?

Also, doesn't Paul think Heather doesn't know about his fetish? That nobody does? It would have been interesting to let him react more to the revelation that Heather knew, and now Lizzie and her sister know too. Is he embarrassed? In denial? Uncomfortable opening up to her about it after so long hiding it? Angry at this invasion of his privacy?

For what it's worth, I'm currently working on a story that starts with a woman walking up to a man at a house party and shouting, "Nice shoes! Wanna fuck?!" (Spoiler alert: they do.) So I'm not saying you can't write nice pat setups where people just dive into the sex, only pointing out other directions that might be interesting to explore.

Also, a couple of grammatical errors. E.g., "She touched my arm and smiles". They weren't confusing, though, except for one bit where you wrote, "She grabbed my hand and began to cry. Lizzie the psychologist could tell that she had touched the ultimate nerve. She found my emotional G-spot." I think it's Paul that starts crying first? That would make sense. I'm less clear on why Lizzie started crying afterward, though.

Thanks so much for the feedback! Reading it again, I agree with most of your points. They are super helpful for future parts! Thank you!

 

[Rollerchick28]

Okay, minor complaints are all I have.

First off, I feel like this belongs in Erotic Couplings, not Romance. I suppose that's a matter of opinion, but I still stand by it.

Also, (and this is super personal) I feel like he was lusting after his baby sitter way to early in the story. I understand that you wanted to show how attractive the FMC was, but the MMC comes out looking kinda lecherous.

Otherwise it was a fun read.

Thank you! I didn't know how to categorize it, but I think I agree with you. And yes, I thought the same about the MMC after I read it again. Thanks!

 

[Priscilla_June]

Thank you so much! That means a lot to me! I already have parts 2 and 3 written, but I want to go back over them. Thank you!

Cant wait to see them!

 

[ElectricBlue]

I will have to read this later in a less public space. I did like the opening I read though. But I’m confused, a woman writing from a man’s point of view?

What's wrong with that? Happens all the time, and vice-versa.

 

[Milo_Grigsby]

Good Morning! My first story was published yesterday and I'm so excited! I would love your feedback and critiques! It's the first in a series, and I can't wait to see where my pen (keyboard) takes the characters!

The Babysitter and the Widower

Thanks!

Kayla aka Rollerchick

Interesting fetish, certainly a new one for me. I mean, I loved Olivia Newton John in Xanadu, but I think that was more the flowy skirts and legwarmers.
Seriously though, overall, well written. I like how you set up the relationship between Lizzie and Heather with the backdrop of Lizzie's mom's issues.

 

[Rollerchick28]

What's wrong with that? Happens all the time, and vice-versa.

Wait until you see Part 2!

 

[Rollerchick28]

Interesting fetish, certainly a new one for me. I mean, I loved Olivia Newton John in Xanadu, but I think that was more the flowy skirts and legwarmers.
Seriously though, overall, well written. I like how you set up the relationship between Lizzie and Heather with the backdrop of Lizzie's mom's issues.

Thank you! There is more character development (at least I feel there is) coming in the next two parts. Thanks!

 

[Comentarista82]

It's a cute story and it piques my interest in how she at 21 can enjoy a man of 40. Any couple willing to work on their relationship can make things work, and you tied Lizzie and Paul together through Heather. It seems a bit too convenient in a small part, but it's the most plausible link, given the story reveals Heather confided in Lizzy and asked her to look after Paul because she knew she was dying and didn't want him to be alone. It's an incredibly sweet thing, and it explains how Lizzie knew all that. I'd also say this first part should have gone 3 Lit pages to permit more exposition--and mainly to let Paul and Lizzie talk more so we discover how Lizzie wanted to commit to this--because the story lacked that part. Because of that, I say 4 and will read the other chapters as they surface.