M32 submissive fantasy / Therapy, realationship, control.
Dear reader,
this is a very long message. I am putting a lot of effort into it, as I want to impress my potential new owner, and also, to weed out those, who don't fit. It is also a fantasy of mine, that is pleasurable to put into words. Maybe other submissives will find it interesting to read, maybe others are in similar situation.
To some, I might seem very demanding and as a sub male seeking attention, I should be happy if anyone is interested. You're very much free to ignore, or oven openly reject me, like a servant, that is not good enough for your needs.
It is not often than I am visiting Literotica.
I am 32 yo guy from Europe, been single for a couple of years, I work in IT and usually I am quite busy with my work and chores.
As I am not the kind of man that needs a relationship, rather being more goal oriented and living a private life, porn is what I use almost daily.
People tend to respect me, because while I am not socially active, I am good at what I do and take care of my life. Usually, when people start getting to know me, it's due to us two cooperating on something and that is where I am good at.
It is the social part, where I lack both skills and interest. It is when I could start befriend someone, when we start opening our lives, when they start to see, how different I am. And lately, I have lost interest in seeking relationships altogether, As I get more discouraged by past failures and I get more sucked into my private goals.
I can't categorize myself better, than just being a man that would be completely boring, independent, selfish, over-intellectual, even primitive to some. Who could live out his life alone somewhere, if he didn't enjoy work and being part of things that inspire him.
I tend to imagine myself being the kind who went to look for gold, trying for years, either finding it, or dying alone. And being happy both ways. Lone workers like that always existed. Self motivated, self sufficient, and not offering much else.
But, unfortunately, I was not to have the peace of being just a slave to my ambition and to die trying to finish whatever personal project I lose myself in. And it makes sense from evolutionary point of view. Even in me, there is that need for sexual arousal. But, I as I get older, I can feel my mind being more and more resistant to porn, to the usual stereotypes. I need erotic arousal coming from something that is related to me personally.
It has come to the point, that opening a porn site brings up in me both a feeling or joy, and a feeling of disgust. Like if I was hungry and entering a restaurant, that smells bad, is full of annoying people and I have had that same food every day. It gets the job done, but Iam irritated by it.
Don't take me wrong, I don't have moral issues with jacking off to whatever I feel like. I have sincere feeling of freedom to enjoy whatever I want to. I don't feel guilty. Well, I still don't want people to see my browser history... but I am at peace with what gets me aroused. But watching just isn't enough anymore.
I can watch amateur porn, I can go even watch live girls, or couples, or gays, having sex on live camera. I even tried showing myself on camera.
But none of this does fully satisfy me.
If I was to go and sit naked in front of a camera, a dozen homosexuals will tell me what to do, and it will be the same 2 or 3 things all over gain. There is no EROTIC MENTAL EXPERIENCE, there is no relationship between these people, it is just raw porn, nude bodies.
And my body is nothing amazing. It completes my personality perfectly - it's quite boring. I am not in shape, rather skinny, pale guy.
And I am not at a point where I want or even can easily get in shape. But I am sticking to my decision to at least not be fat. That is the only body quality I can assure you of.
I don't offer, nor seek perfect body in others anymore. After years of watching porn, I find it more erotic to see a ladie's panties showing in her jeans when she bends over in the grocery store. And I am intrigued by that, even before I find out, if she is 30, or 50. Yes, it was not clear from that point.
I am developing more fantasies and kinks, while my brain is becoming resistant to things that are not related to me personally, by the overdose of naked, perfect models, and my penis is tired of the routine.
Going to pee in a public restroom is more erotic experience, than watching porn. Because it has something to do me with in real - something personal. Even though it's dirty, even though I am not gay.
What am I seeking:
- I want an online relationship, using communication, mail, chat, photos and videos of me at your request, theoretically, after months or years, we could meet. I have learned that it is very hard to find a person that will match my needs, and I will not find it anywhere close. It is impossible to find it in person. Iam afraid, and the person simply doesn't exist. The safest bet is to search online in places like this. I will probably look in many places...
- My satisfaction doesn't require us meeting. We just need to talk frequently, and you will have to see me sometimes in pictures.
- I am not offering money, Iam not rich, I almost dont have social life, I dont have sexual toys, I dont dress up. We will not start this by me going on Skype, stripping and fucking myself. That will also not happen after a week or two. Quite possibly, it will never happen. Most likely, whoever is reading this, you will find me more demanding and boring than you can take and I will again find no one, or just someone who will learn fast that I am boring and we don't match.
- Instead of playing out scenarios, that are so worn out, so over used, instead of these games, I want to develop our own relationship.
- We will get to know each other - by talking, just like I am writing here. It will not be about me sucking on dildos at your command or wearing panties. Go watch porn for that.
- Instead, and this is where I am discovering what probably my real kink here is, I want to very slowly submit to you as a person, that knows me and that is not a stranger.
- For example. I dreamed of submitting to my teacher. Or my landlord. Yes, as a man, I dreamed of getting a discount from my landlord for giving him sexual services. He was not attractive at all, there was nothing special about us. He had a wife. He was getting old and fat. It was just a business. But the idea of me, "straight guy", selling myself to a dominant person that I have some relationship with, is sexy. As is sexy getting nude in front of a doctor. Somewhere Ive gotten this submissive and even exhibitionistic need
- Perverse transgression of usual relationship is what excites me. The "what could be". In reality, it almost never or never happens, and in porn, they play out the role, but they didn't cross any boundary, as there was no relationship. Therefore, we first need to build that relationship, and only then, when there is something between us, it could work. I can't define it better. And no, nothing like that happened to me in my childhood. I have had quite healthy upbringing in that regard. My perversion comes from the combination of my natural mental traits combined with sexual frustration at some points in my life.
- Secondary, I have rarely felt being wanted. Since I have poor relationships, it is rare that someone cares about me. I am fine with that most of the time. But this has contributed to the fetish of "being the object of someone's desire". This I suspect is common. It drives some men to extremes like cross dressing and so on - to become the objects of their own and of someone else's desire. To become both what they like, and what others like. I too wish that someone liked me, but crossdressing or "boytoying" repulses me. Isn't there some other way to be desired?
- No, I dont secretly wear thongs and crossdress and post it online! Maybe it will take another 5 or 10 years of sexual frustration, but for the time being, I am for the most part sticking to being a man.
- As you have noticed, this is very self oriented need. It's all about scratching that deep need inside me that has not ever been scratched. While I have experienced many things in sex, I have never experienced the humiliation, submisiveness, degradation of belonging to someone who knows me. Nude examination is my strongest experience in this.
-You should already have idea in your mind about me. A picture of who I am. Quite possibly not a very flattering picture. For most of you, it is not worth reading this. Yet, if this game works, some of you might actually find some appeal in me. I have already said enough to stand out. I am hoping that someone somewhere will feel that I could be what they need. That I could satisfy something of yours. That you too are missing something. Can I fulfill some desire of yours? Do you have some ambition I can play role in?
- It is strange, but I am still heterosexual. Yet being submissive to a male excites me. While I am very attracted to women, I am not attracted to men, their body. But being examined by a male doctor is perfect example, what gets me on. Usually, I don't "click" with gay men, because Iam not into manfucking, sucking, admiring man bodies. Gay porn looks comical to me. If youre a woman, it will be much easier, as I will be attracted to you naturally. You can be everything to me.
- If youre a man, you can be my mentor, (what will you teach me?), you can be a sponsor (now that could be something really perverse), you can be a doctor or therapist of sorts. What will you be?
What am I offering:
- For a submissive relationship to work, the submission needs to be real. Otherwise it is just a game. And I am not offering money, for you to play a game with me. There has to be something, that you REALLY WANT. What is it? What can you use me for? What place can I take in your life? Give me examples, ideas. Some of it should be something I haven't thought about. Something that I might have to get used to. No matter what I say, it is you who sets the rules, and If I don't follow them, you can leave me.
- As you can see. I can write. And instead of porn, I can get lost in this. Do you have use for that?
- I am not rich, but I am smart. I am not at hand, to help you with some house chores, but you can discuss things with me, I can give you advice. Maybe you can use a servant listener to share some of your thoughts with? Do you want a smart, submissive confidant?
- Do you have a difficult marriage? Do you need something on the side? Do you want a heteresexual boy to take charge of for fun? Have you too had enough of hard porn?
- Do you feel sorry for me? Are you tired of the horny submissives, but could you actually enjoy having one who is able to communicate as a person?
- Or do you want your ego boosted by telling me about your successes ? Do you consider yourself to be better than me, show it to me and humiliate me? Show me what I can't have? That would be very cruel fun. Submitting to someone, who has everything, and me on top of it. But it might work!
- You will disclose as much about you, as you want. A little, or a lot. And obviously, you can LIE. I dont wan't you to, but I won't know. Just dont cause me any harm please.
- While I will only be saying the truth. Why? It doesn't work for me when I lie. I will allways tell the truth - or not answer. I still don't want to risk much, so this will be anonymous, but everything else, except for discovering exactly who am I, and things that could hurt me, everything else should be slowly available to you. Maybe in a couple of months you will know me more, than anyone.
- We can write emails, we can chat on Skype, sometimes we can really use voice talk. I am very busy, and I will not be able to do it daily. But certainly weekly. You will set the frequency. The messages can often be brief, don't worry. I expect you to be busy with your life, as I am.
- So much talk... But yes, this all is actually still about my need to orgasm. I just want all of this to build the relationship, in which you will then use me sexually. You will know when I have had orgasm, you will decide if I am allowed to. You will know if Iam shaved, if I cum in a tissue, a condom or whatever. You can decide the system.
- You will probably have a collection of my pictures, taken at your request. Not because I am pretty, or because you get particularly excited by another dick on the internet, but because for the time being you have accepted me and my dick and the rest of my body to be yours. I am still a private person. I don't feel good on camera. I can take a photo here or there, or make a video. But I don't enjoy live video.
- And I will be yours. I will give you many hours of my time and a lot of my energy. I partially wish, that you force me to quit porn, while being yours. I could certainly benefit from some discipline in that regard. But a week without orgasm is too long. We need to set reasonable goals, but it has to be be fun for you too.
- I can't complete ridiculous tasks and they're not exciting. No, in a week, you will not make me go shopping for dildoes and panties, eat my feces or get a piercing, lol. Let's be real people, not play out roles. In a week, realistically, we can exchange a couple of messages, get idea of who we are, you can get my picture and take control of my masturbation. Maybe ask about what porn I have been watching. Maybe tell me about your sexual experiences.
Dear reader,
this is a very long message. I am putting a lot of effort into it, as I want to impress my potential new owner, and also, to weed out those, who don't fit. It is also a fantasy of mine, that is pleasurable to put into words. Maybe other submissives will find it interesting to read, maybe others are in similar situation.
To some, I might seem very demanding and as a sub male seeking attention, I should be happy if anyone is interested. You're very much free to ignore, or oven openly reject me, like a servant, that is not good enough for your needs.
It is not often than I am visiting Literotica.
I am 32 yo guy from Europe, been single for a couple of years, I work in IT and usually I am quite busy with my work and chores.
As I am not the kind of man that needs a relationship, rather being more goal oriented and living a private life, porn is what I use almost daily.
People tend to respect me, because while I am not socially active, I am good at what I do and take care of my life. Usually, when people start getting to know me, it's due to us two cooperating on something and that is where I am good at.
It is the social part, where I lack both skills and interest. It is when I could start befriend someone, when we start opening our lives, when they start to see, how different I am. And lately, I have lost interest in seeking relationships altogether, As I get more discouraged by past failures and I get more sucked into my private goals.
I can't categorize myself better, than just being a man that would be completely boring, independent, selfish, over-intellectual, even primitive to some. Who could live out his life alone somewhere, if he didn't enjoy work and being part of things that inspire him.
I tend to imagine myself being the kind who went to look for gold, trying for years, either finding it, or dying alone. And being happy both ways. Lone workers like that always existed. Self motivated, self sufficient, and not offering much else.
But, unfortunately, I was not to have the peace of being just a slave to my ambition and to die trying to finish whatever personal project I lose myself in. And it makes sense from evolutionary point of view. Even in me, there is that need for sexual arousal. But, I as I get older, I can feel my mind being more and more resistant to porn, to the usual stereotypes. I need erotic arousal coming from something that is related to me personally.
It has come to the point, that opening a porn site brings up in me both a feeling or joy, and a feeling of disgust. Like if I was hungry and entering a restaurant, that smells bad, is full of annoying people and I have had that same food every day. It gets the job done, but Iam irritated by it.
Don't take me wrong, I don't have moral issues with jacking off to whatever I feel like. I have sincere feeling of freedom to enjoy whatever I want to. I don't feel guilty. Well, I still don't want people to see my browser history... but I am at peace with what gets me aroused. But watching just isn't enough anymore.
I can watch amateur porn, I can go even watch live girls, or couples, or gays, having sex on live camera. I even tried showing myself on camera.
But none of this does fully satisfy me.
If I was to go and sit naked in front of a camera, a dozen homosexuals will tell me what to do, and it will be the same 2 or 3 things all over gain. There is no EROTIC MENTAL EXPERIENCE, there is no relationship between these people, it is just raw porn, nude bodies.
And my body is nothing amazing. It completes my personality perfectly - it's quite boring. I am not in shape, rather skinny, pale guy.
And I am not at a point where I want or even can easily get in shape. But I am sticking to my decision to at least not be fat. That is the only body quality I can assure you of.
I don't offer, nor seek perfect body in others anymore. After years of watching porn, I find it more erotic to see a ladie's panties showing in her jeans when she bends over in the grocery store. And I am intrigued by that, even before I find out, if she is 30, or 50. Yes, it was not clear from that point.
I am developing more fantasies and kinks, while my brain is becoming resistant to things that are not related to me personally, by the overdose of naked, perfect models, and my penis is tired of the routine.
Going to pee in a public restroom is more erotic experience, than watching porn. Because it has something to do me with in real - something personal. Even though it's dirty, even though I am not gay.
What am I seeking:
- I want an online relationship, using communication, mail, chat, photos and videos of me at your request, theoretically, after months or years, we could meet. I have learned that it is very hard to find a person that will match my needs, and I will not find it anywhere close. It is impossible to find it in person. Iam afraid, and the person simply doesn't exist. The safest bet is to search online in places like this. I will probably look in many places...
- My satisfaction doesn't require us meeting. We just need to talk frequently, and you will have to see me sometimes in pictures.
- I am not offering money, Iam not rich, I almost dont have social life, I dont have sexual toys, I dont dress up. We will not start this by me going on Skype, stripping and fucking myself. That will also not happen after a week or two. Quite possibly, it will never happen. Most likely, whoever is reading this, you will find me more demanding and boring than you can take and I will again find no one, or just someone who will learn fast that I am boring and we don't match.
- Instead of playing out scenarios, that are so worn out, so over used, instead of these games, I want to develop our own relationship.
- We will get to know each other - by talking, just like I am writing here. It will not be about me sucking on dildos at your command or wearing panties. Go watch porn for that.
- Instead, and this is where I am discovering what probably my real kink here is, I want to very slowly submit to you as a person, that knows me and that is not a stranger.
- For example. I dreamed of submitting to my teacher. Or my landlord. Yes, as a man, I dreamed of getting a discount from my landlord for giving him sexual services. He was not attractive at all, there was nothing special about us. He had a wife. He was getting old and fat. It was just a business. But the idea of me, "straight guy", selling myself to a dominant person that I have some relationship with, is sexy. As is sexy getting nude in front of a doctor. Somewhere Ive gotten this submissive and even exhibitionistic need
- Perverse transgression of usual relationship is what excites me. The "what could be". In reality, it almost never or never happens, and in porn, they play out the role, but they didn't cross any boundary, as there was no relationship. Therefore, we first need to build that relationship, and only then, when there is something between us, it could work. I can't define it better. And no, nothing like that happened to me in my childhood. I have had quite healthy upbringing in that regard. My perversion comes from the combination of my natural mental traits combined with sexual frustration at some points in my life.
- Secondary, I have rarely felt being wanted. Since I have poor relationships, it is rare that someone cares about me. I am fine with that most of the time. But this has contributed to the fetish of "being the object of someone's desire". This I suspect is common. It drives some men to extremes like cross dressing and so on - to become the objects of their own and of someone else's desire. To become both what they like, and what others like. I too wish that someone liked me, but crossdressing or "boytoying" repulses me. Isn't there some other way to be desired?
- No, I dont secretly wear thongs and crossdress and post it online! Maybe it will take another 5 or 10 years of sexual frustration, but for the time being, I am for the most part sticking to being a man.
- As you have noticed, this is very self oriented need. It's all about scratching that deep need inside me that has not ever been scratched. While I have experienced many things in sex, I have never experienced the humiliation, submisiveness, degradation of belonging to someone who knows me. Nude examination is my strongest experience in this.
-You should already have idea in your mind about me. A picture of who I am. Quite possibly not a very flattering picture. For most of you, it is not worth reading this. Yet, if this game works, some of you might actually find some appeal in me. I have already said enough to stand out. I am hoping that someone somewhere will feel that I could be what they need. That I could satisfy something of yours. That you too are missing something. Can I fulfill some desire of yours? Do you have some ambition I can play role in?
- It is strange, but I am still heterosexual. Yet being submissive to a male excites me. While I am very attracted to women, I am not attracted to men, their body. But being examined by a male doctor is perfect example, what gets me on. Usually, I don't "click" with gay men, because Iam not into manfucking, sucking, admiring man bodies. Gay porn looks comical to me. If youre a woman, it will be much easier, as I will be attracted to you naturally. You can be everything to me.
- If youre a man, you can be my mentor, (what will you teach me?), you can be a sponsor (now that could be something really perverse), you can be a doctor or therapist of sorts. What will you be?
What am I offering:
- For a submissive relationship to work, the submission needs to be real. Otherwise it is just a game. And I am not offering money, for you to play a game with me. There has to be something, that you REALLY WANT. What is it? What can you use me for? What place can I take in your life? Give me examples, ideas. Some of it should be something I haven't thought about. Something that I might have to get used to. No matter what I say, it is you who sets the rules, and If I don't follow them, you can leave me.
- As you can see. I can write. And instead of porn, I can get lost in this. Do you have use for that?
- I am not rich, but I am smart. I am not at hand, to help you with some house chores, but you can discuss things with me, I can give you advice. Maybe you can use a servant listener to share some of your thoughts with? Do you want a smart, submissive confidant?
- Do you have a difficult marriage? Do you need something on the side? Do you want a heteresexual boy to take charge of for fun? Have you too had enough of hard porn?
- Do you feel sorry for me? Are you tired of the horny submissives, but could you actually enjoy having one who is able to communicate as a person?
- Or do you want your ego boosted by telling me about your successes ? Do you consider yourself to be better than me, show it to me and humiliate me? Show me what I can't have? That would be very cruel fun. Submitting to someone, who has everything, and me on top of it. But it might work!
- You will disclose as much about you, as you want. A little, or a lot. And obviously, you can LIE. I dont wan't you to, but I won't know. Just dont cause me any harm please.
- While I will only be saying the truth. Why? It doesn't work for me when I lie. I will allways tell the truth - or not answer. I still don't want to risk much, so this will be anonymous, but everything else, except for discovering exactly who am I, and things that could hurt me, everything else should be slowly available to you. Maybe in a couple of months you will know me more, than anyone.
- We can write emails, we can chat on Skype, sometimes we can really use voice talk. I am very busy, and I will not be able to do it daily. But certainly weekly. You will set the frequency. The messages can often be brief, don't worry. I expect you to be busy with your life, as I am.
- So much talk... But yes, this all is actually still about my need to orgasm. I just want all of this to build the relationship, in which you will then use me sexually. You will know when I have had orgasm, you will decide if I am allowed to. You will know if Iam shaved, if I cum in a tissue, a condom or whatever. You can decide the system.
- You will probably have a collection of my pictures, taken at your request. Not because I am pretty, or because you get particularly excited by another dick on the internet, but because for the time being you have accepted me and my dick and the rest of my body to be yours. I am still a private person. I don't feel good on camera. I can take a photo here or there, or make a video. But I don't enjoy live video.
- And I will be yours. I will give you many hours of my time and a lot of my energy. I partially wish, that you force me to quit porn, while being yours. I could certainly benefit from some discipline in that regard. But a week without orgasm is too long. We need to set reasonable goals, but it has to be be fun for you too.
- I can't complete ridiculous tasks and they're not exciting. No, in a week, you will not make me go shopping for dildoes and panties, eat my feces or get a piercing, lol. Let's be real people, not play out roles. In a week, realistically, we can exchange a couple of messages, get idea of who we are, you can get my picture and take control of my masturbation. Maybe ask about what porn I have been watching. Maybe tell me about your sexual experiences.
