it's hard, it's so, so hard. in a lot of ways, i want him back. in other ways i think let him contact me, i'll let him get me that ticket if he comes back. then i'll miss the flight and stand him up. because i know that is so going to hurt him. duh. i just feel a huge emptiness. reminds of the song 'breathe' by Breaking Benjamin. livin' the dream... sigh.
lost and need help, please.
- Thread starter juliaa801
- Start date
Oubliette123
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 23, 2013
- Posts
- 228
One thing I have learnt in life, is that actions really do speak louder than words. In my younger years (I am in my 40's) I would allow myself to believe spoken words, not just in a relationship sense but in general life. I trusted people so much, I wanted (and still do wish) the world to be a perfect place where everyone is honourable.
You sound like a lovely gentle young lady, and I hope you continue to be and not let this ruin your perception of the world. He has treated you badly, but often we see only what we want to see and I wonder, had you looked at it actions rather than listened to his words might you have seen how things were going? It's a tough one because no one ever wants to get hurt, so thee is a tendency to gloss over the things that sound alarm bells.
Take some time to nurture yourself, recognise that maybe things would have been a bit different if you had taken a good hard look at the situation, and take a bit of responsibility for that too. Yes he has treated you badly, but to some extent you have allowed him to. Come through this stronger, with more resolve and know that next time you will be better equipped mentally to recognise a person that doesn't walk the walk but only talks the talk.
Lots of love n hugs to you
You sound like a lovely gentle young lady, and I hope you continue to be and not let this ruin your perception of the world. He has treated you badly, but often we see only what we want to see and I wonder, had you looked at it actions rather than listened to his words might you have seen how things were going? It's a tough one because no one ever wants to get hurt, so thee is a tendency to gloss over the things that sound alarm bells.
Take some time to nurture yourself, recognise that maybe things would have been a bit different if you had taken a good hard look at the situation, and take a bit of responsibility for that too. Yes he has treated you badly, but to some extent you have allowed him to. Come through this stronger, with more resolve and know that next time you will be better equipped mentally to recognise a person that doesn't walk the walk but only talks the talk.
Lots of love n hugs to you
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
....I've been bitten more than once when I trusted someone in a business deal of some sort. And years ago, my house was burglarized and police said it was somebody I knew, because they knew right were to go to get some things. That's always a pleasant thing to hear. To this day, I still don't know who it was.
There are crooks and thieves and creeps all around us. Unfortunately, we can't let our guard down until we know someone is trustworthy. It sucks, but that's the world we live in.
But when you all talk about the foreskin and zipper thing...I've experienced that and it hurts. I do wish you'd stop bringing it up!
What a horrible situation to suspect your friends of such a violation of your life but have no idea who it could be. Enough to make anyone wary and suspicious. I can't imagine how you figure out who to trust and the level of trust you give them.
Women are just as bad as men, but in different ways. Go on any net dating site and you will find men who have been duped by women in various ways, either on a personal or professional level.
I try to remain friends with my ex's, even the one who completely duped me and a Danish man who used to post on here who I dated a few years back and really broke my heart. Things I loved about them remain, because a residual feeling remains, even if it is later exposed as not quite 'real.' Initially it wasn't easy to be nice, but the effort has been worth it as I don't carry a bitterness towards them, but see them as foolish men who lost out
As to the foreskin and zipper - OUCH!
All_4_Love
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2014
- Posts
- 1,339
Take some time to nurture yourself, recognise that maybe things would have been a bit different if you had taken a good hard look at the situation, and take a bit of responsibility for that too. Yes he has treated you badly, but to some extent you have allowed him to. Come through this stronger, with more resolve and know that next time you will be better equipped mentally to recognise a person that doesn't walk the walk but only talks the talk.
Lots of love n hugs to you
This is very sound advice, Julia. Accepting responsibility for how others treat us is not an easy task. That is probably something that comes with age, as I’m close to my 40s as well, and I am just now finding this out. This realization, in and of itself, was devastating but yet empowering enough for me to walk away from an unhealthy marriage of 15 years.
We all have to learn through our own experiences. I know that against anyone’s better judgment here, you say that you would still have contact with him. I personally would never speak to him again, nor would I seek any type of revenge.
Grow from this experience; let it strengthen you into a stronger more resilient woman. Learn from it and you will set yourself on the path to a much better experience with a much better man. All you have is time. Why not wait and see if the better man shows up in your life? Just as Collar N Cuffs said earlier, now you will be free when the right one comes along. That’s what I did; I freed myself for when the right one comes along, and it was, and still is, one of the scariest and most courageous things I’ve ever done.
Keep in mind also that anything you choose now that is emotionally driven will not be unchanged. You will have to live with those choices and the consequences of such. Your heart is already so broken. I wouldn’t allow myself to be put in a position to be hurt anymore than that.
Thinking of you and wishing you well today…
Last edited:
Primalex
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
- Posts
- 6,090
Someone has to be.
*shrugs*
I just know that women are not different and if your female friend would tell you about her guy:
"I'm going to tell him that it's over. But not today. I don't know yet how I should tell him. I like him, I don't want to hurt him. But that other guy, he is so hot and my friend falls asleep on the couch..I didn't want to cheat, it just happened that night..."....
you would totally understand her. Not approve it, but understand...
Perception is a bitch.
Focus on the fun you had and focus on the fun you will have with someone else in the future.
Bramblethorn
Sleep-deprived
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Posts
- 16,835
If it helps you feel any better... I had a long-distance ex (we met in person while I was working OS, then agreed to stay in touch after I went home) who apparently decided that it was inconvenient having me in her life because her partner was jealous. So rather than email/phone me to break it off, she had her family tell me she'd been killed in a car accident.
The one good thing about stunts like that is that at least they make it pretty clear who the unreasonable person is, and that you're better off out of the relationship, even if the discovery is painful.
(No, I'm not a terrifying stalker! At least not as far as I know. She emailed me years later to apologise - although I have doubts about her motives there - so I don't think I did anything to give that impression.)
The one good thing about stunts like that is that at least they make it pretty clear who the unreasonable person is, and that you're better off out of the relationship, even if the discovery is painful.
(No, I'm not a terrifying stalker! At least not as far as I know. She emailed me years later to apologise - although I have doubts about her motives there - so I don't think I did anything to give that impression.)
StrayKat
Conquered By A Tiger
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2009
- Posts
- 3,645
Not really. I would say something like "yeah sure" and change the subject, but I would not understand. Things dont just "happen", we make them happen, and if you get yourself into something alike that ends badly you only have yourself to blame. Being a pussy about it makes it only worse in my book.
And in before you ask, yes I did "cheat", not some bf of 2 months but husband of 16 years, only I didnt act like some undecided little puppet with muffled brain. I told him "this marriage is dead, I want a divorce and I am going to go and fuck T right now" and left the house. It was my decision and I didnt pull back on it because it hurt me or him or whoever. Because I had reasons to make it and I thought about it hard and long.
So no, I would so totally not understand her.
Primalex
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
- Posts
- 6,090
That's sad.
that is totally messed up. i mean TOTALLY MESSED UP. what a bitch.
i have to agree with stray kat on this. i've had friends say things like this to me before and, if they were in a long term, committed relationship (exclusive and over 6 months), i am pretty offended by it. my advice has generally been if you feel that disconnected you either need to break up before you start seeing some one else, of seek help. breaking off a relationship is hard enough without throwing another person into the mix.
'cause, DAMN, talk about added pain.
but i think a devil's advocate was needed. someone pointed out i need to look at things and that went on and see what signs i may have been missing. from that perspective, there were some. devil's advocate, or not... everyone here has been very helpful and wonderful.
IrisAlthea
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2008
- Posts
- 5,216
The thing is, sometimes there is no disconnect that they are aware of, until something they think is better, easier or whatever comes along.
This is a sad lack of awareness on their behalf and usually weakness too but I don't think it's right to confuse it with the scheming type.
There are signs nevertheless and I think Oubliette nailed it, thruth is in behaviour.
People who say they would do anything for you but have to think twice about getting up from the couch to pick you up on a dark and rainy night when the train was unreasonably late? They would do anything for you as long at it doesn't interfere too much with their convenience.
Point is, it's not that uncommon for them to actually believe what they are saying.
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
FFS! She and her family need therapy, what a thing to tell someone when it is not true.
That must have been horrible for you, all the grief and feelings of loss over a lie.
It smacks of the lies we told at school to get out of PE/Maths homework/Lessons etc etc
Didn't she think you would use online resources to check out whether this was true or not. Every newspaper is available online and the death of someone local in a car accident would be front page news.
The more I hear about the crazy things people say or do, the more I realise that those interested in BDSM are on the whole, normal.
i don't think people interested in BDSM are messed up or crazy. it's about trust, honesty, feeling, caring, owning yourself on levels most "normal" people deny and suffer countless anxieties over. it's about being free on levels most people only talk about. there are crazy people who get involved in BDSM for the wrong reasons and abuse the label, but it is about surrendering yourself to who and what you really or, or being brave enough to work on getting there. just my thinkin'
All_4_Love
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Mar 17, 2014
- Posts
- 1,339
For years and years I thought there was something wrong with me. Knowing what I know now, it seems a very common thing. Not to sound cliche', but years ago when my fantasies tormented me, there was no information, no internet. I didn't even know what BDSM was until a few years ago and I'm almost 40. To say that I was convinced that I wasn't "normal" would be an understatement.
Bramblethorn
Sleep-deprived
- Joined
- Feb 16, 2012
- Posts
- 16,835
This was back in the late '90s, so that sort of info wasn't as easily available as it would be today. I spent a few days phoning around morgues etc, and when none of them had any word of her I asked a friend who lived nearby and was able to confirm that the lady was alive and well. Not really an experience I'd recommend to anybody.
I don't think she intended to do something horrible, but she was rather immature (something I only realised in hindsight, alas!) and I guess it seemed like the easiest way to get herself out of the situation. Though God only knows what she told her family to get them to go along with it!
Curious_in_Cali
Terribly Human
- Joined
- Feb 20, 2011
- Posts
- 17,010
IrisAlthea
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Feb 2, 2008
- Posts
- 5,216
DVS
A ghost from your dreams
- Joined
- Apr 17, 2002
- Posts
- 11,416
You are correct in your thinking. Now, if we could all get past those crazy people, the predatory creeps and the fakers/wannabees who have no idea what they're doing, we'd be just fine. We need some kind of sensor that you can point at somebody...a green light would mean they are OK...but that red light!!!
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
It does make you wonder what she told them, that would niggle my mind for a long time.
Immature - yes, that is a polite way to sum it up.
shy slave
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Jan 2, 2004
- Posts
- 8,255
I don't think they are either but have you ever told vanilla people your interests or spoken to vanilla people about BDSM in general?
If you watch any murder/mystery type programmes that have even a hint of Ds or BDSM it is shown in a poor light, never as a positive thing.
I can't comment on how '50 shades' shows it by the end of the third book as not read them, but the mainstream film The Secretary, doesn't exactly show the people involved as balanced.
People who have never tried it, often take their views from the mainstream
more
i am a the girl your mother warned you about. a lot of things about me have never been mainstream, i may generally dress mainstream enough (if you don't mind salwar-kameez half the time) but nothing me about is mainstream, and generally, i don't give a fu*k. i will bring up the facts, because the general perception being presented is WRONG and i make a point of saying THAT is wrong. and present the facts as to why, and yes. how i know. false information is false information. flat out, i am also practice religious beliefs that are far from anything mainstream and have been for almost all of my life. i make no secret of it.
i am a the girl your mother warned you about. a lot of things about me have never been mainstream, i may generally dress mainstream enough (if you don't mind salwar-kameez half the time) but nothing me about is mainstream, and generally, i don't give a fu*k. i will bring up the facts, because the general perception being presented is WRONG and i make a point of saying THAT is wrong. and present the facts as to why, and yes. how i know. false information is false information. flat out, i am also practice religious beliefs that are far from anything mainstream and have been for almost all of my life. i make no secret of it.
Last edited:
said the joker to the thief...
sorry about the cynicism, but some things can't be helped, maybe you should tell me more, with wine... by the moonlight...
