Identity crisis

[Greatwanni]

Ok, so I'm 33 and in a week from tomorrow I'll be 34. I'm mentioning this for a specific reason that I will explain. And before I get too much further, I'd just like to explain that I know a lot of what I'm about to talk about I should probably find an LGBT therapist and talk to about, which I've been looking for one. The problem with this, though, is I can't seem to find one in my area/don't know of any reliable resources I could use to look for one, and I can't really afford to see one right now anyway.

I've been here before talking about my bi-curiosities and how it was all so odd that things I was feeling I had never felt before. Like how I knew, for my entire life, who and what I was. I knew I was a straight, cis male. But then one day, a few years ago, things started to change. I started to wonder what it would be like to experience things with another male, sexually. And as time went on, this actually started to turn me on. I've had a couple of opportunities, one where I had actually had something set up to meet someone, but I never went through with anything.

So now I considered myself bi-curious. Fast forward a few years and something new comes along.

I'm an overweight person. I have what are called "moobs," or man boobs. I've always been very self-conscious of them and the way I looked, so much so that my self-esteem took a pretty big hit. It wasn't until recently that I started to embrace myself and what I look like. I'm still very much self-conscious about the way I look and my self-esteem isn't all that great, but I can't say it's all as bad as it once was.

Now, this all leads to me wondering what it would be like to have sensitive nipples. Like, really sensitive nipples. Sensitive enough to where I could give myself an orgasm from just playing with them. (I did look this up and it is possible for men to experience this, but I'm not one of those people.) So, I started playing with my nipples more, rubbing them and teasing them and whatnot. It wasn't until this year that things really changed.

So, at the beginning of this year I started having feelings of not being comfortable identifying as male anymore. This is where the "crisis" from the title comes in. I don't feel right identifying as male, but I don't feel right identifying as female or non-binary either, and I'm not even sure what else there is to even consider. I've tried looking up different gender identities, but that just kind of confused me even more. Sorry if that sounds bad. So for now, just to keep things simple, I continue to identify as male until I can figure somethings out more and understand what is going on with me.

Something else that has occurred for me has been the feeling of wanting to become more feminine. Like, I don't feel the need to fully transition or anything like that (again, I don't feel right identifying as female), but I've found myself wishing I had more feminine features. Of which, more recently, have been breasts. I've started to wish my "moobs" were actual, real, feminine boobs. So much so that I've been looking into ways to make this happen, but again I wouldn't be doing anything without first speaking to an LGBT therapist but also I can't afford it.

The other thing that has confused me about this, and has only really occurred to me within the past few days, is what I mentioned at the very beginning, my age. I'm 33 and I've just now started to have these feelings. Usually when you hear about someone not feeling right about who they are/what they identify as, it starts from an early age. I mean, I'm still young, but not that young. I don't know if my age really makes a difference or not, and I'm wondering if anyone else has had these feelings start at a later age.

I know this was long, and I apologize for that. If you did manage to read through this whole cluster that is my feelings down to this point, I thank you. It just feels really good to be able to finally get all of this out, even if it is to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

 

[Savanasexi]

Ok, so I'm 33 and in a week from tomorrow I'll be 34. I'm mentioning this for a specific reason that I will explain. And before I get too much further, I'd just like to explain that I know a lot of what I'm about to talk about I should probably find an LGBT therapist and talk to about, which I've been looking for one. The problem with this, though, is I can't seem to find one in my area/don't know of any reliable resources I could use to look for one, and I can't really afford to see one right now anyway.

I've been here before talking about my bi-curiosities and how it was all so odd that things I was feeling I had never felt before. Like how I knew, for my entire life, who and what I was. I knew I was a straight, cis male. But then one day, a few years ago, things started to change. I started to wonder what it would be like to experience things with another male, sexually. And as time went on, this actually started to turn me on. I've had a couple of opportunities, one where I had actually had something set up to meet someone, but I never went through with anything.

So now I considered myself bi-curious. Fast forward a few years and something new comes along.

I'm an overweight person. I have what are called "moobs," or man boobs. I've always been very self-conscious of them and the way I looked, so much so that my self-esteem took a pretty big hit. It wasn't until recently that I started to embrace myself and what I look like. I'm still very much self-conscious about the way I look and my self-esteem isn't all that great, but I can't say it's all as bad as it once was.

Now, this all leads to me wondering what it would be like to have sensitive nipples. Like, really sensitive nipples. Sensitive enough to where I could give myself an orgasm from just playing with them. (I did look this up and it is possible for men to experience this, but I'm not one of those people.) So, I started playing with my nipples more, rubbing them and teasing them and whatnot. It wasn't until this year that things really changed.

So, at the beginning of this year I started having feelings of not being comfortable identifying as male anymore. This is where the "crisis" from the title comes in. I don't feel right identifying as male, but I don't feel right identifying as female or non-binary either, and I'm not even sure what else there is to even consider. I've tried looking up different gender identities, but that just kind of confused me even more. Sorry if that sounds bad. So for now, just to keep things simple, I continue to identify as male until I can figure somethings out more and understand what is going on with me.

Something else that has occurred for me has been the feeling of wanting to become more feminine. Like, I don't feel the need to fully transition or anything like that (again, I don't feel right identifying as female), but I've found myself wishing I had more feminine features. Of which, more recently, have been breasts. I've started to wish my "moobs" were actual, real, feminine boobs. So much so that I've been looking into ways to make this happen, but again I wouldn't be doing anything without first speaking to an LGBT therapist but also I can't afford it.

The other thing that has confused me about this, and has only really occurred to me within the past few days, is what I mentioned at the very beginning, my age. I'm 33 and I've just now started to have these feelings. Usually when you hear about someone not feeling right about who they are/what they identify as, it starts from an early age. I mean, I'm still young, but not that young. I don't know if my age really makes a difference or not, and I'm wondering if anyone else has had these feelings start at a later age.

I know this was long, and I apologize for that. If you did manage to read through this whole cluster that is my feelings down to this point, I thank you. It just feels really good to be able to finally get all of this out, even if it is to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Babe, if you cant afford surgery, you could make a start by wear some fem clothes. That itself would make you feel more girly.

 

[comegently]

The best way to find out what you want is to meet some Trans people and go out with them. Everyone is a bit of a rookie at first, as any newcomer to a social group is.
The best place to start is an old-fashioned Trans club in a private venue. These are often very low-key. In England, an old club like that usually offers tea, coffee, biscuits and the opportunity to chat.
More experienced people go and, usually, someone like me or my friends invites them to go out openly to a restaurant or to come shopping.
You get better at wearing the right things and makeup and acting appropriately. That doesn't mean you have to "pass". People usually realise we are Trans, but modern people don't see us as out of the ordinary in the way that dumb or older, conservative people do.
That can come before any need to get therapy or to consider hormones or surgery.
Sex is an interesting point.
My take on it, which is not everyone's, is that the ideas of straight and gay were not designed to be applied to Trans people and they do not comfortably fit. We just like sex with who we like sex with. Some of us find ourselves being more attracted to men after a while but not all.

 

[Britva415]

I'm 33 and I've just now started to have these feelings. Usually when you hear about someone not feeling right about who they are/what they identify as, it starts from an early age.

There's sort of a reason for this, and it isn't necessarily because this is truly what "usually" happens. I'm not sure whether there's good-quality data about the "usual" trajectory of these things. I'm guessing that your impression of this is largely influenced by media rather than familiarity with people's lived realities. I'm not saying media is presenting false stories, but there are stories they aren't presenting. There is a rather extreme focus these days by the media, largely in response to the extreme focus by ignorant, intolerant hard-right politicians, on trans children.

Latency or unawareness until later in adulthood is common. You don't have to be confused, this is fine.

One more thing: I know you said cost is a factor, but beyond that, there's decent likelihood that a therapist who isn't LGBT themselves or LGBT specialist in practice can still be very, very helpful. There are obviously going to be some therapists who would not be, but therapists in general see all sorts of issues and as a matter of professional integrity are usually equipped to help almost anyone to at least some degree. If nothing else, establishing a relationship with a local therapist who might not be the perfect "dream team" candidate could still be helpful as they have access to the resources you're asking about. They can make referrals to other therapists they know who might be closer to what you want.

 

[comegently]

Sometimes, there is incongruity with gender expectations earlier in our lives, but we did not see it for what it was.
As the previous poster said, there is nothing wrong with not being aware of it until later in life. That is very common among people I know.
You then look back and things in your earlier life tend to fit that pattern.
It stems from a notion that you have to have always been that way and so it isn't simply a "lifestyle choice".
But the reality is that it isn't just that even if you start presenting as yourself at 50 years old, because mind and body are parts of the same whole.

 

[2wayroad]

Sadly, too many people want lables/pronouns these days. They want to declare themselves so and plant their flag. I don’t get it. I talked to a counselor years ago, for many years, about (among other things) the path that led me to where I am. I accepted that I am who I am. I don’t fit into a box or a definition. I am simply a man who likes to have sex with men. Not completely gay, maybe bi, who knows, who cares. I much prefer, and only seek sex with men. I want no real relationship with those that I have sex with beyond sex. I’m sure I have some issues, and after talking with a counselor, I know why I do. I have friends who may or may not know. I don’t care. I don’t fuck my friends.

Almost every counseling center in any decent sized town has LGBT friendly counselors. Ask when you call them. It’s incredibly helpful to talk through it with someone who you only have a professional relationship with, who wont be shocked and who will not make you feel bad for feeling the way you do. It may take talking to more than one, but you’ll find a fit pretty quick. No one can help how they feel. But it helps greatly to figure out why you do. It’s very eye opening.

 

[comegently]

For Trans people who are F2M or M2F, pronouns and forms of address that match our gender are essential, at least in over 90% of cases.
To someone who is cisgender, this can be difficult to understand.
Most Trans feminine people are nothing like gay men. It's about our sense of self.
To us, being addressed as "sir" or referred to as "him" is like a kick in the teeth.
No one who isn't trans need to "get it", because there is nothing to "get". It costs nothing to do it.
Civilised people no longer use "fatso" or racial slurs as forms of address either, even if they secretly believe that's what those people are.
Trans feminine people most commonly do not want sex with men until they have been able to be themselves, often for years.
The need to present themselves and interact in a feminine way almost invariably precedes any such sexual need, and in many cases that need does not develop at all.
The difference between Sex and Gender has been defined by the World Health Organisation.
"The word gender is used to describe the characteristics, roles and responsibilities of women and men, boys and girls, which are socially constructed. Gender is related to how we are perceived and expected to think and act as women and men because of the way society is organized, not because of our biological differences."

 

[ChrissyCD64]

Never had an identity crisis. I've been a CD girly-boy sissy bisexual my whole life.

 

[Escierto]

Never had an identity crisis. I've been a CD girly-boy sissy bisexual my whole life.

Same with my girlfriend. She knew she was a girl as long as she can remember. Luckily for her, her family and community accepted her as a girl. If only everyone were so fortunate.

 

[stickygirl]

Another resource you could try is Reddit, but I'll add a warning. Some of the reddit forums can be kinda hostile so you need to shop around. The forum moderators over there can skew the direction of the forums and I found myself pushed out of one because of that. Having made that disclaimer, there are plenty of forums to choose from, always plenty of of opinions and support, so you won't run short of browsing material.

When it comes to choosing a label ( I don't have problem with them if it helps you find the right crowd ) then there are a dazzling number to choose from, so be patient. For example Genderfluid folks tend to be mellow and easy going, Genderqueer tend to be outspoken and prickly IMHO.

You'll need to spend time reading and figuring yourself out - and that's often a moving target. Don't necessarily point to gender or sexuality being the reason for how you feel - it could be other associated 'isms' so a regular counsellor can help guide you through that. Good luck, don't lose hope - be patient with yourself

 

[timreh]

There's no single answer to how to be trans / non-binary / gay / queer.

Identity and sexuality exist on a spectrum.

Don't beat yourself up over not experiencing life as I do, nor how any other person experiences life.

And the whole transition thing ... it's a process, not a singular event. And as the transition evolves you might find some answers that you didn't expect, and you might find some questions that you didn't expect. And that's perfectly normal.

Be kind to yourself as you explore who you are and how you want to move forward.

 

[HotLoadLover]

Greatwanni -- Excellent post. Most folks have doubts from time to time. My first suggestion, if you can find a man to experiment with, try some of your favorite fanatsies. Might be a one-time hookup from a website, might be something more. I know it's not easy for us bigger guys, many (or most) people "out there looking" seem to want the 'chiseled, just barely legal buck'. There are groups that cater to bigger guys ( search for "chubby chaser" maybe ), and some sites let you indicate your size. Just move on if someone doesn't want to play with a bigger fella. Also don't ignore your feminine urges, but I'd probably suggest taking small steps, incrementally finding what you like, and moving on from what you don't.

You're young enough to start, but not so old that it's going to be too late.... but don't wait too long. Most of all, find what you like and have fun.

 

[MarieChalice]

I also think you would benefit from chatting with trans people socially. If you have a local support group i would join that.
You might find some of the stories by Clara, on fictionmania.tv, reassuring. She is a very positive author and explores themes you might find relevant.

 

[jimmykav]

I myself looks like bi-cirious, but still unsure. However, I like to see online gay erotic photos and videos.

 

[Greatwanni]

Hi everyone! Just wanted to say that I've been here and have read each of your comments, even if it hasn't seemed like it. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has stopped in to read my post and left a comment. I greatly appreciate it and am grateful for all the advice you all have given! Thank you so, so much!

 

[SilkeeSmooth]

But then one day, a few years ago, things started to change. I started to wonder what it would be like to experience things with another male, sexually.

Yep..

So, at the beginning of this year I started having feelings of not being comfortable identifying as male anymore.

Yep, again..

So for now, just to keep things simple, I continue to identify as male until I can figure somethings out more and understand what is going on with me.

Wouldn't it be okay to just identify as 'you'? Don't worry about labels.

The other thing that has confused me about this, and has only really occurred to me within the past few days, is what I mentioned at the very beginning, my age. I'm 33 and I've just now started to have these feelings.

I'd say that what you're feeling recently, doesn't need to follow any existing path. I suppose I understand the question of age. I think if this started for me ten years from now, I'd just try to keep everything suppressed, and I have heard from many resources that can lead to very unhappy conclusions.

It just feels really good to be able to finally get all of this out, even if it is to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

Take everything you read here with a grain of salt, you will certainly get better answers and advice from external sites that deal with Trans support.

 

[Curious1969paul]

I can relate to your confusion.
20 years ago when I was 30 I became bi overnight. It wasn’t something I had ever really thought about or desired. I became involved with a couple that was 15 years older than I was. The wife convinced me to fool around with her husband and things escalated quickly from there. The wife was very manipulative and she would talk about my ex-gf and other women and always had me thinking from a woman’s point of view. It’s hard to explain but it was very sexual and an instant turn on. When I fooled around with her husband (always in front of her) I would imagine that I was the wife or my ex or some other woman that the wife was talking about. That’s still my biggest fantasy to this day, imagining that I’m a woman and what it would be like. But outside of a few select people no one else knows that. I’ve never had a desire to transition or try to live as anyone else. The wife of another couple that I was involved with did help me dress the part a few times, but it was for fun in the moment. They are great memories and still fuel many fantasies but I’m happy that I never took it any further. But I totally understand how powerful those desires and fantasies can be. It makes it hard and confusing.

 

[Tayloroc]

I can relate to your confusion.
20 years ago when I was 30 I became bi overnight. It wasn’t something I had ever really thought about or desired. I became involved with a couple that was 15 years older than I was. The wife convinced me to fool around with her husband and things escalated quickly from there. The wife was very manipulative and she would talk about my ex-gf and other women and always had me thinking from a woman’s point of view. It’s hard to explain but it was very sexual and an instant turn on. When I fooled around with her husband (always in front of her) I would imagine that I was the wife or my ex or some other woman that the wife was talking about. That’s still my biggest fantasy to this day, imagining that I’m a woman and what it would be like. But outside of a few select people no one else knows that. I’ve never had a desire to transition or try to live as anyone else. The wife of another couple that I was involved with did help me dress the part a few times, but it was for fun in the moment. They are great memories and still fuel many fantasies but I’m happy that I never took it any further. But I totally understand how powerful those desires and fantasies can be. It makes it hard and confusing.

I understand exactly what you’re saying!

 

[MissNikkiDomGurl]

Cant really add much to all the previous excellent comments. All I can do is reinforce the important points...
First, dont worry too much about labels. We're all mostly-round pegs that orhers are always trying to stuff into square holes. Just be you- as you learn and evolve, you may find one that works, or you may change from one to another. Point being, it doesn't really matter that much!!
Second, make friends like you. As you grow into this, online chat is a place to chat and share and get answers and ideas. The internet is a huge place, so no matter how particular your situation is, there are others like you that need a friend also, you just need to connect!!
Third, while counseling is always a good idea, Ive heard of many that seem to have an agenda, or sometimes are just wrong in their approach. (Not trying to defame counselors here, just saying that they arent all equal, and arent always the silver bullet for your woes) So going back to #2, finding people online, and eventually in person is invaluable. This is somthing I preach constantly to my cd gurls...
Fourth, DO NOT STRESS about any of this!!! Your interests are, well...your interests. Theres nothing wrong. So dont overthink it. Dont struggle wirh any of it. Pursue it, or decide to stop. Do whatever feels right to you, and dont look back!!!
Good luck. Thanks for sharing your quandry and keep us posted!!!
❤

 

[comegently]

Because everyone else has already said intelligent things, I'll just say this: I know a transgender woman who came out in her late 60s. She already had adult children, a career, everything.

She went through with her medical transition and is in her 70s now. And she's happy and carefree.

It's never too late.

I also know people like that. It's surprisingly common.
Something that may surprise is the way femininity develops once a M2F trans person can be open.
This applies whether or not they take hormones - at least in many cases.
I can see it in photos taken over years and I can see it in myself.
Demeanour, deportment and facial expressions change.
It's a bit like learning to drive a car with manual transmission. At first you think about every action, and those actions can be hesitant or clumsy, but after a while, you just think about where you want to go.

 

[Greatwanni]

I'd like to thank everybody once again for all your comments. You all have helped me see the bigger picture of all of this. Especially the anecdotes about people you know that have gone through this at a later stage in their lives. It's comforting to know that there are others that were in a similar situation like me.

All this reminded me not too long ago of something that occurred a while back. It was either in Jr. High or High School, but I used to color my finger nails with marker. I never really thought about it as anything, I just thought it looked cool. And then my brother (he, I feel, would understand all this best in my family as he himself is gay) saw it once, made a comment that was not rude or offensive in any way, but still made me feel embarrassed about it. Even though he was cool about it, after that I quit doing it. And I hadn't thought about it since then until recently.

Something I should probably clarify: some of you have made mention about labels and why there needs to be one on everything. I get what you're saying, and I understand it. The thing is, I'm not looking for a label. I'm looking for an identity. I'm just trying to figure out who, and/or what, I am. It's got nothing to do with fitting in or anything like that. And I guess along with finding my identity I was just curious as to why these feelings come about sooner for some and later for others.

Thank you, everybody, for understanding where I'm coming from, and for helping me understand my feelings better. I greatly appreciate it!

 

[Damanhere]

Ok, so I'm 33 and in a week from tomorrow I'll be 34. I'm mentioning this for a specific reason that I will explain. And before I get too much further, I'd just like to explain that I know a lot of what I'm about to talk about I should probably find an LGBT therapist and talk to about, which I've been looking for one. The problem with this, though, is I can't seem to find one in my area/don't know of any reliable resources I could use to look for one, and I can't really afford to see one right now anyway.

I've been here before talking about my bi-curiosities and how it was all so odd that things I was feeling I had never felt before. Like how I knew, for my entire life, who and what I was. I knew I was a straight, cis male. But then one day, a few years ago, things started to change. I started to wonder what it would be like to experience things with another male, sexually. And as time went on, this actually started to turn me on. I've had a couple of opportunities, one where I had actually had something set up to meet someone, but I never went through with anything.

So now I considered myself bi-curious. Fast forward a few years and something new comes along.

I'm an overweight person. I have what are called "moobs," or man boobs. I've always been very self-conscious of them and the way I looked, so much so that my self-esteem took a pretty big hit. It wasn't until recently that I started to embrace myself and what I look like. I'm still very much self-conscious about the way I look and my self-esteem isn't all that great, but I can't say it's all as bad as it once was.

Now, this all leads to me wondering what it would be like to have sensitive nipples. Like, really sensitive nipples. Sensitive enough to where I could give myself an orgasm from just playing with them. (I did look this up and it is possible for men to experience this, but I'm not one of those people.) So, I started playing with my nipples more, rubbing them and teasing them and whatnot. It wasn't until this year that things really changed.

So, at the beginning of this year I started having feelings of not being comfortable identifying as male anymore. This is where the "crisis" from the title comes in. I don't feel right identifying as male, but I don't feel right identifying as female or non-binary either, and I'm not even sure what else there is to even consider. I've tried looking up different gender identities, but that just kind of confused me even more. Sorry if that sounds bad. So for now, just to keep things simple, I continue to identify as male until I can figure somethings out more and understand what is going on with me.

Something else that has occurred for me has been the feeling of wanting to become more feminine. Like, I don't feel the need to fully transition or anything like that (again, I don't feel right identifying as female), but I've found myself wishing I had more feminine features. Of which, more recently, have been breasts. I've started to wish my "moobs" were actual, real, feminine boobs. So much so that I've been looking into ways to make this happen, but again I wouldn't be doing anything without first speaking to an LGBT therapist but also I can't afford it.

The other thing that has confused me about this, and has only really occurred to me within the past few days, is what I mentioned at the very beginning, my age. I'm 33 and I've just now started to have these feelings. Usually when you hear about someone not feeling right about who they are/what they identify as, it starts from an early age. I mean, I'm still young, but not that young. I don't know if my age really makes a difference or not, and I'm wondering if anyone else has had these feelings start at a later age.

I know this was long, and I apologize for that. If you did manage to read through this whole cluster that is my feelings down to this point, I thank you. It just feels really good to be able to finally get all of this out, even if it is to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

There's nothing wrong with sharing what you think and feel.

 

[Dolle]

Ok, so I'm 33 and in a week from tomorrow I'll be 34. I'm mentioning this for a specific reason that I will explain. And before I get too much further, I'd just like to explain that I know a lot of what I'm about to talk about I should probably find an LGBT therapist and talk to about, which I've been looking for one. The problem with this, though, is I can't seem to find one in my area/don't know of any reliable resources I could use to look for one, and I can't really afford to see one right now anyway.

I've been here before talking about my bi-curiosities and how it was all so odd that things I was feeling I had never felt before. Like how I knew, for my entire life, who and what I was. I knew I was a straight, cis male. But then one day, a few years ago, things started to change. I started to wonder what it would be like to experience things with another male, sexually. And as time went on, this actually started to turn me on. I've had a couple of opportunities, one where I had actually had something set up to meet someone, but I never went through with anything.

So now I considered myself bi-curious. Fast forward a few years and something new comes along.

I'm an overweight person. I have what are called "moobs," or man boobs. I've always been very self-conscious of them and the way I looked, so much so that my self-esteem took a pretty big hit. It wasn't until recently that I started to embrace myself and what I look like. I'm still very much self-conscious about the way I look and my self-esteem isn't all that great, but I can't say it's all as bad as it once was.

Now, this all leads to me wondering what it would be like to have sensitive nipples. Like, really sensitive nipples. Sensitive enough to where I could give myself an orgasm from just playing with them. (I did look this up and it is possible for men to experience this, but I'm not one of those people.) So, I started playing with my nipples more, rubbing them and teasing them and whatnot. It wasn't until this year that things really changed.

So, at the beginning of this year I started having feelings of not being comfortable identifying as male anymore. This is where the "crisis" from the title comes in. I don't feel right identifying as male, but I don't feel right identifying as female or non-binary either, and I'm not even sure what else there is to even consider. I've tried looking up different gender identities, but that just kind of confused me even more. Sorry if that sounds bad. So for now, just to keep things simple, I continue to identify as male until I can figure somethings out more and understand what is going on with me.

Something else that has occurred for me has been the feeling of wanting to become more feminine. Like, I don't feel the need to fully transition or anything like that (again, I don't feel right identifying as female), but I've found myself wishing I had more feminine features. Of which, more recently, have been breasts. I've started to wish my "moobs" were actual, real, feminine boobs. So much so that I've been looking into ways to make this happen, but again I wouldn't be doing anything without first speaking to an LGBT therapist but also I can't afford it.

The other thing that has confused me about this, and has only really occurred to me within the past few days, is what I mentioned at the very beginning, my age. I'm 33 and I've just now started to have these feelings. Usually when you hear about someone not feeling right about who they are/what they identify as, it starts from an early age. I mean, I'm still young, but not that young. I don't know if my age really makes a difference or not, and I'm wondering if anyone else has had these feelings start at a later age.

I know this was long, and I apologize for that. If you did manage to read through this whole cluster that is my feelings down to this point, I thank you. It just feels really good to be able to finally get all of this out, even if it is to a bunch of strangers on the internet.

I believe your biggest problem is the fact that you have been self-conscious about your weight and how you looking your appearance and so and now in your mind you are wanting to change that in some sort of way and that is why you feel like you don't want to be a male but you don't want to identify as a female cuz you want to be something different but you don't want to be completely different if that makes sense and there's the possibility that maybe you are in taking that contains estrogen like drinking silk milk and stuff like that which can make you more sensitive emotional and leaning towards female qualities and emotions