Homoerotic Story Issues?

[mastadonika]

I'd love some feedback please;

MAN'S MISCHIEVOUS SIDE IS RE-AWOKEN - https://literotica.com/s/mans-mischievous-side-is-re-awoken

1. What are the major writing issues with this story (As I have received only a few positive comments)? And, any minor issues I should be aware of going forward.
-Do the sex scenes go on too long? Or not enough sex? Or not descriptive enough?
-Is there too much build up/character development?
-Is there just too many ideas in one story? (IVF, impregnation, cuckolding, incest, seduction/reluctance, etc...)
-Any other issues?


2. My stories going forward will remain a mix of homoerotic (mostly), hetero-erotic, reluctant, cheating, and cuckold content, especially this series. Which genre/category would suit it best? As the number of readers have been lower than most similar stories which were also published in the same month.

Hoping for any constructive criticism, as I want to try to do better.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Firstly, your story is doing quite well. From my experience 6 comments on a story is pretty average and as you say they're all positive. You also have a 4+ score, so that's not bad for a first try and nothing I say below changes that.

I'd also quibble over your use of the word homoerotic - I guess you could say that everything on the site Literotica is only erotic by defintion, but I'd argue that the story is clearly homosexual in places. I'd argue that homoerotic involves a lot of looks, touching maybe, but stopping short of actual sex or oral sex. As such it's probably best in the Gay catagory (at least until Lit decides to create a Bisexual category, which is likely to be never), although theortically my understanding is that anything that features Incest should go in Incest. That would probably bring your scores down and attract more negative comments though since not everyone in the catagory is going to be accepting of queer content.

-Is there just too many ideas in one story? (IVF, impregnation, cuckolding, incest, seduction/reluctance, etc...)

I'd say so. Just the two butlers on their own are quite complicated with Ron needing to seduce both, bring in an outside escort, show them him fucking his wife etc. The Briana plot felt misleading because there were a lot of words about it at the start and then the plot went in a completely different direction until very near the end. There were attempts to link it to what was happening in Switzerland but then this was underminded by Ron's inner monologue saying that he didn't actually need to watch someone cheating to consider impreganting another woman.

-Is there too much build up/character development?

I wouldn't say there was too much build-up. The issue I had was that you arguably built-up the wrong thing. There's all the stuff about Briana and then suddenly we're in Switzerland seducing two butlers we don't know much about. It's hard to believe that someone would suck off their unknowing brother while a total stranger films it - the job of a good story is to persuade us that it could happen and we don't really get much of a glimpse into Mike and Alex's phyches. Another issue I had was that I didn't really like Ron as a character much, he seems manipulative but also I didn't always get the impression he was enjoying things very much (stress, not always).

- Do the sex scenes go on too long? Or not enough sex? Or not descriptive enough?

I think, in terms of word number, the sex scenes are problably about the right length. The issue I had with the story is that it doesn't flow very well. For example, after the introductory scene, you have a whole bunch of paragraphs just info-dumping stuff about the characters (Ron is a 50-year-old...,Houston is a 36-year-old, Briana is a 42-year-old..) and Houston doesn't even appear in the story. Then a lot of your dialogue is written as Name: "Hello" format, which means that everything is spoken, without any focus on what the characters are doing, how they are reacting or what they are feeling. This gets a little better as the story progresses, but it tends to be divided neatly into 'talky section', 'sexy section'.

Another stylistics thing you do that you might not be aware of is, for example, on page two of the story of the nearly 100 paragraphs (including one-line speach paragraphs) all but two of them begin with a person's name (Michael...,Ron...,Emily...,Michael...,Ron...). This is repetative and also indicates that you never slow down to describe things. It's a matter of writing style, I also get told by people that they would like more description in places, still there are places where a few more words would help the story and the characters come alive more. For example, there's one section where you meantion decadant food being wheeled in - what exactly - lobster? chocolate cake? Similarly Ron watches a movie on the plane - what kind of films is this man into? More importantly, we don't really get a description about Tanya but we're told she's not his type? We understand at this point why it isn't a problem but why exactly?

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Not everyone is going to be as focused on style as I am (though probably on the Author's section of website, a lot of us are) and, as I said before, a lot of people did enjoy the story regardless of any criticism I had. The sex is twisted enough for most people to enjoy.

 

[KeithD]

F As such it's probably best in the Gay catagory (at least until Lit decides to create a Bisexual category, which is likely to be never), although theortically my understanding is that anything that features Incest should go in Incest. That would probably bring your scores down and attract more negative comments though since not everyone in the catagory is going to be accepting of queer content.

My experience at Literotica is that Gay Male trumps Incest for category placement.

 

[mastadonika]

Firstly, your story is doing quite well. From my experience 6 comments on a story is pretty average and as you say they're all positive. You also have a 4+ score, so that's not bad for a first try and nothing I say below changes that.

I'd also quibble over your use of the word homoerotic - I guess you could say that everything on the site Literotic is only erotic by defintion, but I'd argue that the story is clearly homosexual in places. I'd argue that homoerotic involves a lot of looks, touching maybe, but stopping short of actual sex or oral sex. As such it's probably best in the Gay catagory (at least until Lit decides to create a Bisexual category, which is likely to be never), although theortically my understanding is that anything that features Incest should go in Incest. That would probably bring your scores down and attract more negative comments though since not everyone in the catagory is going to be accepting of queer content.


I'd say so. Just the two butlers on their own are quiet complicated with Ron needing to seduce both, bring in an outside escort, show them him fucking his wife etc. The Brienna plot felt misleading because there were a lot of words about it at the start and then the plot went in a completely different direction until very near the end. There were attempts to link it to what was happening in Switzerland but then this was underminded by Ron's inner monologue saying that he didn't actually need to watch someone cheating to consider impreganting another woman.



I wouldn't say there was too much build-up. The issue I had was that you arguably built-up the wrong thing. There's all the stuff about Briana and then suddenly we're in Switzerland seducing two butlers we don't know much about. It's hard to believe that someone would suck off their unknowing brother while a total stranger films it - the job of a good story is to persuade us that it could happen and we don't really get much of a glimpse into Mike and Alex's phyches. Another issue I had was that I didn't really like Ron as a character much, he seems manipulative but also I didn't always get the impression he was enjoying things very much (stress, not always).



I think, in terms of word number, the sex scenes are problably about the right length. The issue I had with the story is that it doesn't flow very well. For example, after the introductory scene, you have a whole bunch of paragraphs just info-dumping stuff about the characters (Ron is a 50-year-old...,Houston is a 36-year-old, Briana is a 42-year-old..) and Houston doesn't even appear in the story. Then a lot of your dialogue is written as Name: "Hello" format, which means that everything is spoken, without any focus on what the characters are doing, how they are reacting or what they are feeling. This gets a little better as the story progresses, but it tends to be divided neatly into 'talky section', 'sexy section'.

Another stylistics thing you do that you might not be aware of is, for example, on page two of the story of the nearly 100 paragraphs (including one-line speach paragraphs) all but two of them begin with a person's name (Michael...,Ron...,Emily...,Michael...,Ron...). This is repetative and also indicates that you never slow down to describe things. It's a matter of writing style, I also get told by people that they would like more description in places, still there are places where a few more words would help the story and the characters come alive more. For example, there's one section where you meantion decadant food being wheeled in - what exactly - lobster? chocolate cake? Similarly Ron watches a movie on the plane - what kind of films is this man into? More importantly, we don't really get a description about Tanya but we're told she's not his type? We understand at this point why it isn't a problem but why exactly?

Anyway, those are my thoughts. Not everyone is going to be as focused on style as I am (though probably on the Author's section of website, a lot of us are) and, as I said before, a lot of people did enjoy the story regardless of any criticism I had. The sex is twisted enough for most people to enjoy.

Thank you so much for the analysis, and taking time to provide feedback.

I agree with you 100%. The story was only going to be about Ron, Houston & His Dad (which will be next), but somehow the story took me elsewhere, and I explored Ron & Emily' relationship, which brought in two brother/butlers.

Your stylistic tips and description of food, movies, etc... as a character insight tool makes a lot of sense. Will certainly be mindful of it going forward.

Thanks!