Hated Premise or Bad Story?

[Priscilla_June]

Hey all! This may be pre-mature but a story of mine was posted today and I just wanted to hear some objective feedback. It started off with three 5 star reviews so I was quite pleased, but since then I got a bunch of either 1 or 2 star reviews.

So that begs the question in my mind, did my story suck or did I catch folks who hated the premise? It was posted in Fetish so I thought I would be immune from the LW trolls, but I would really love your honest feedback to be sure, I guess I feel prematurely discouraged because of it, since I felt it was a really good piece of my work.

Themes involved are pregnancy and male dominance primarily (i thought I advertised that up front), hence why I suspect some of this is folks who dont like the premise.

https://literotica.com/s/maternity-paper-chase

Would love to hear what you think!

 

[AlexBailey]

I didn't get very far, but here are a few thoughts.

I understand fetish and how lurid detail can tantalize, but I think you may have gone too far for some readers - myself included. You are very wordy, taking long passages and analyzing the situation where you could just lay out the facts and let the reader make their own interpretations. Show more, tell less - let the actions of the characters speak.

----
"Please MISS Hoyle, let's end this charade. We both know you are not pregnant." His words fell firm, not a single inflection to signify he was joking or browbeating her. It was as if he just told a junior manager that their department case net cash flow load was under the month-over-month expectations. Just a simple tone of fact used to state the employee standing before him grasping the bottom of her watermelon sized stomach was not indeed pregnant.

Lydia on her part had no words in response. Her mouth opened once or twice to refute such a statement but she couldn't even manage to form her tongue around the words. Her long eyelashes batted around her dumbfounded yet beautiful eyes several times as she contemplated how he could come to such a conclusion, but it was lost on her.
-----

His denial of her pregnancy is absurd enough - reading the descriptions in the rest of the scene made me tune out.

I don't think the premise is bad, though parts of it could be triggering for some readers.

 

[Priscilla_June]

I didn't get very far, but here are a few thoughts.

I understand fetish and how lurid detail can tantalize, but I think you may have gone too far for some readers - myself included. You are very wordy, taking long passages and analyzing the situation where you could just lay out the facts and let the reader make their own interpretations. Show more, tell less - let the actions of the characters speak.

----
"Please MISS Hoyle, let's end this charade. We both know you are not pregnant." His words fell firm, not a single inflection to signify he was joking or browbeating her. It was as if he just told a junior manager that their department case net cash flow load was under the month-over-month expectations. Just a simple tone of fact used to state the employee standing before him grasping the bottom of her watermelon sized stomach was not indeed pregnant.

Lydia on her part had no words in response. Her mouth opened once or twice to refute such a statement but she couldn't even manage to form her tongue around the words. Her long eyelashes batted around her dumbfounded yet beautiful eyes several times as she contemplated how he could come to such a conclusion, but it was lost on her.
-----

His denial of her pregnancy is absurd enough - reading the descriptions in the rest of the scene made me tune out.

I don't think the premise is bad, though parts of it could be triggering for some readers.

Hehe well if you got to the end of the story you would know why he was absurdly denying her pregnancy.

But point taken as far as being wordy, I deff know that about myself, though the passage you quoted is actually one of my favorite. Ill think about how to apply that (or less of that I guess) in the future.

As far as triggering, idk, I guess I wonder why they would be reading such a story in the first place then?

 

[Winter_Fare]

Hehe well if you got to the end of the story you would know why I was absurdly denying her pregnancy.

But point taken as far as being wordy, I deff know that about myself, though the passage you quoted is actually one of my favorite. Ill think about how to apply that (or less of that I guess) in the future.

As far as triggering, idk, I guess I wonder why they would be reading such a story in the first place then?

That's a similar pattern of voting I've experienced in the non consent category. It's a love hate thing I guess. It felt a lot like non con in the first part.

I enjoyed it and I'm loathe to criticize so take this or leave it. I think it would have worked better if the MC was more enthusiastic in the first half.

Feeling a bit guilty maybe, tired, worried she won't meet the bosses expectations, yes, but there should have been (in my opinion) a bit of excitement about needing to call on Him personally in private.

 

[Priscilla_June]

That's a similar pattern of voting I've experienced in the non consent category. It's a love hate thing I guess. It felt a lot like non con in the first part.

I enjoyed it and I'm loathe to criticize so take this or leave it. I think it would have worked better if the MC was more enthusiastic in the first half.

Feeling a bit guilty maybe, tired, worried she won't meet the bosses expectations, yes, but there should have been (in my opinion) a bit of excitement about needing to call on Him personally in private.

Thats an excellent point, though I am apt to write submissive female characters so I guess the NC tone seeps into my writing sometimes. But I do totally see where you come from as the MC sort of jumps from “Ugh I hate my stupid boss” to “omg scratch my itch” sort of. Point well taken thanks for the feedback.

 

[Priscilla_June]

So now that I am further thinking, since maybe through my taste in writing and reading I am not as apt to see it, perhaps I should have posted this story in the reluctance category for better reception? I guess fetish viewers are skittish when it comes to that sort of thing?

 

[Mastered_again]

So now that I am further thinking, since maybe through my taste in writing and reading I am not as apt to see it, perhaps I should have posted this story in the reluctance category for better reception? I guess fetish viewers are skittish when it comes to that sort of thing?

Can't say I read much in the fetish category, but having read yours, I'd say it's a better fit in Noncon/reluctance, her reluctance being the main theme of the story, with his lactation and insemination fixations secondary. When selecting the category, it might be best to consider the MC's circumstances. Just my two cents.

 

[Priscilla_June]

Can't say I read much in the fetish category, but having read yours, I'd say it's a better fit in Noncon/reluctance, her reluctance being the main theme of the story, with his lactation and insemination fixations secondary. When selecting the category, it might be best to consider the MC's circumstances. Just my two cents.

Yeah it was for sure an assumption on my part which category I put it in since most of the pregnancy fetish stories were there. Lesson learned I guess. I put in an edit to change the authors notes some, and I am trying to see if they will recategorize it too. Not sure

 

[Mastered_again]

Yeah it was for sure an assumption on my part which category I put it in since most of the pregnancy fetish stories were there. Lesson learned I guess. I put in an edit to change the authors notes some, and I am trying to see if they will recategorize it too. Not sure

Strictly word around the campfire, but I've heard that getting posted stories changed will test you patience. Never tried it myself

 

[TheRedChamber]

Yeah it was for sure an assumption on my part which category I put it in since most of the pregnancy fetish stories were there. Lesson learned I guess. I put in an edit to change the authors notes some, and I am trying to see if they will recategorize it too. Not sure

Strictly word around the campfire, but I've heard that getting posted stories changed will test you patience. Never tried it myself

You can edit the story, and I think get it recatagorized, but it will take a while - long enough to be out the period where stories get the bulk of their attention. Putting it in the NC category might have helped with the scores a little as not everyone who reads pregnancy stories is going to like the non-consensual aspects and that can give you serious downvotes., but I doubt it moving will do too much good now. Still, while it takes a while, it's fairly simple to do, so there's no particular reason not to move it. You already clearly say what the story is about, so I'm not sure what else you can do in terms of notes. I think it makes sense to avoid fetish, as I get the impression most people who have a specific fetish are more likely to use the tag system anyway (but that's just my feeling).

The other thing is that trolls are common enough, especially in the more controversial catagories, and I've had a few stories published that started out in the 3s for scores in the first ten votes or so and then climbed and climbed afterwards to a more respectable 4.2/4.3 (though still slightly disappointing). The site will usually sweep the scores around the middle of the month and remove wht it thinks are trolling votes, so you may see a jump later.

In terms of more objective feedback. I'll say the following.

1 - I think Alex is right, the word count is a little high for the premise and characterization that's there. Either keep the characters as they are but cut maybe one-third of the length or else make the characters a bit more detailed and flesh out the story a little more. Given that the employee and boss are fairly 'standard' characters, you could spend less time before she goes to his office or even start from her knocking on the door.
2 - In this kind of story it's kind of common for someone to start out reluctant, but then end up enjoying themselves - however, I found this story quite emotionally mild or vague - although there are phrases here and there, I didn't get the strong sense that she was either scared/ashamed at the beginning or passionate/submissive at the end. We don't even get much of an emotional reaction to the idea that he wants to father her next child.
3 - The dialogue is in a slightly strange place as there isn't much of it but every couple of paragraphs we have someone saying a short sentence, often only two or three words of command and Lydia often doesn't really produce a coherent or complete sentences. This can be okay, but I thought more could be done to highlight his dominant nature.

 

[Priscilla_June]

You can edit the story, and I think get it recatagorized, but it will take a while - long enough to be out the period where stories get the bulk of their attention. Putting it in the NC category might have helped with the scores a little as not everyone who reads pregnancy stories is going to like the non-consensual aspects and that can give you serious downvotes., but I doubt it moving will do too much good now. Still, while it takes a while, it's fairly simple to do, so there's no particular reason not to move it. You already clearly say what the story is about, so I'm not sure what else you can do in terms of notes. I think it makes sense to avoid fetish, as I get the impression most people who have a specific fetish are more likely to use the tag system anyway (but that's just my feeling).

The other thing is that trolls are common enough, especially in the more controversial catagories, and I've had a few stories published that started out in the 3s for scores in the first ten votes or so and then climbed and climbed afterwards to a more respectable 4.2/4.3 (though still slightly disappointing). The site will usually sweep the scores around the middle of the month and remove wht it thinks are trolling votes, so you may see a jump later.

In terms of more objective feedback. I'll say the following.

1 - I think Alex is right, the word count is a little high for the premise and characterization that's there. Either keep the characters as they are but cut maybe one-third of the length or else make the characters a bit more detailed and flesh out the story a little more. Given that the employee and boss are fairly 'standard' characters, you could spend less time before she goes to his office or even start from her knocking on the door.
2 - In this kind of story it's kind of common for someone to start out reluctant, but then end up enjoying themselves - however, I found this story quite emotionally mild or vague - although there are phrases here and there, I didn't get the strong sense that she was either scared/ashamed at the beginning or passionate/submissive at the end. We don't even get much of an emotional reaction to the idea that he wants to father her next child.
3 - The dialogue is in a slightly strange place as there isn't much of it but every couple of paragraphs we have someone saying a short sentence, often only two or three words of command and Lydia often doesn't really produce a coherent or complete sentences. This can be okay, but I thought more could be done to highlight his dominant nature.

This is very excellent feedback, I tend to spend time in that buildup period that perhaps I should not. Or am I to understand since the basic premise of the boss/employee didnt need such a buildup since there isnt much else depth to them? If thats the case I can see your point, less detail perhaps on environment /actions and perhaps more character actions/dialog.

And certainly could work on Lydia and her dialogue as well, perhaps my method of her being more stupefied isnt as engaging as I would think.


All good points I appreciate that.

 

[TheRedChamber]

This is very excellent feedback, I tend to spend time in that buildup period that perhaps I should not. Or am I to understand since the basic premise of the boss/employee didnt need such a buildup since there isnt much else depth to them? If thats the case I can see your point, less detail perhaps on environment /actions and perhaps more character actions/dialog.

I had another look at the story to try and work out what the problem I had with it was exactly. I think the thing is that it's quite hard to grasp onto anything concreate about the characters. So for example.

1) Her husband seems nice and concerned about her, but he's also ignoring her in bed, but she doesn't seem to really feel angry about this, just a bit disappointed. Then she's forced into having sex with another man and utlimately enjoys it and potentially in the future will have his child - so where does this leave her husband? Do she love or hate him and how guilty does she feel?
2) Steele berates her but then later says she's his best employee. Which is it? She doesn't fight back against him blaming her for her poor work, but neither does she seem surprised when he turns around and says she's great. What's her own assessment of her competence? What do the others in the office think about her?
3) Similarly, Steele engages in sexual assault at work. Is this normal for him? Are there rumours about his behaviour? Is he normally morally upright, but somehow driven crazy? Does he have a pregnany fetish in some way? The idea that she should ask for his permission to get pregnant is a strange one and needs more explaining, did he communicate this to his female staff in some subtle way previously?
4) Myra is halfway between being sympathetic and looking out for herself, but again Lydia has a very neutral reaction to this.
5) You describe the feeling of pregnancy well (I guess, I'm a man, sounds convincing though...) but we don't really get a sense of how she feels about leaving her job to become a mother. Overall she seems very put upon (even before the assault), but she also seems to largely put up with it with a sigh. There's not as much reactio to any of the events as I'd expect dramatically.

So I think the issue is that we get a lot of words of build-up without getting a lot of tangible grasp on the characters - perhaps it's just me though.

 

[Priscilla_June]

No totally get that. And I think now that I look back at how I wrote this it comes down to the fact that my intentions with the story were less character development and moreso intended to be a steamy encounter. Is that right or wrong way to go about it? Unsure. I would like my characters to have more depth, so perhaps I can focus more on that, but also wanted to get to the brass tax of it, which evidently I still got hung up on describing the environment in more detail than I should.

I guess one thing I fear in a story is rushing straight to the sex, I like setting the scene and the characters, but I think in this case you’re right, the character’s motivations were a bit off.

So a good thing to work on for next time then!

 

[lovecraft68]

This is just my opinion based on the category, but the fetish crowd seems to be the only group that leans towards femdom as that feeds into a lot of other kinks and fetishes. Maybe the dominant male put them off?
As for a disclaimer, many don't read them, the ones that do for some reason still seem to feel like they weren't warned.
If there is something in the disclaimer they don't like, rather than move on which is the point of a warning they will still drop a one bomb just for the audacity of you writing a story they won't like even if they didn't read it.

 

[Priscilla_June]

This is just my opinion based on the category, but the fetish crowd seems to be the only group that leans towards femdom as that feeds into a lot of other kinks and fetishes. Maybe the dominant male put them off?
As for a disclaimer, many don't read them, the ones that do for some reason still seem to feel like they weren't warned.
If there is something in the disclaimer they don't like, rather than move on which is the point of a warning they will still drop a one bomb just for the audacity of you writing a story they won't like even if they didn't read it.

Yeah seems like I stepped in it pretty hard with that category. Lol lesson learned!

 

[purvis2]

Hey all! This may be pre-mature but a story of mine was posted today and I just wanted to hear some objective feedback. It started off with three 5 star reviews so I was quite pleased, but since then I got a bunch of either 1 or 2 star reviews.

So that begs the question in my mind, did my story suck or did I catch folks who hated the premise? It was posted in Fetish so I thought I would be immune from the LW trolls, but I would really love your honest feedback to be sure, I guess I feel prematurely discouraged because of it, since I felt it was a really good piece of my work.

Themes involved are pregnancy and male dominance primarily (i thought I advertised that up front), hence why I suspect some of this is folks who dont like the premise.

https://literotica.com/s/maternity-paper-chase

Would love to hear what you think!

You often see 1 star reviews in the Interracial category of those who hate the concept of interracial sex. Why they would read something they don't like is beyond me.

 

[MentorFWB]

Hey all! This may be pre-mature but a story of mine was posted today and I just wanted to hear some objective feedback. It started off with three 5 star reviews so I was quite pleased, but since then I got a bunch of either 1 or 2 star reviews.

So that begs the question in my mind, did my story suck or did I catch folks who hated the premise? It was posted in Fetish so I thought I would be immune from the LW trolls, but I would really love your honest feedback to be sure, I guess I feel prematurely discouraged because of it, since I felt it was a really good piece of my work.

Themes involved are pregnancy and male dominance primarily (i thought I advertised that up front), hence why I suspect some of this is folks who dont like the premise.

https://literotica.com/s/maternity-paper-chase

Would love to hear what you think!

I thought the story was good....hit a little too close to home...I just didn't like your boss.