Feedback would be appreciated

[Stimtheone]

Looking to get some feedback on pretty much any part of this developing story I have put out. Feel free to offer opinion on either the plot, the setting, the sex scenes, the kinks I am employing or the implied critique in the story. The lack of comments despite decent ratings is making one feel self conscious.

Part 1 of Deviant Empire

This is a link to the first part, and equally there may be offered feedback on just that part or the entire series if one wants.

A few notices:

This is a LONG story. My existing master document is 211 pages long in google docs, though the first part is intentionally short as an introduction, with increasing length of the parts.

I am keenly aware that I am writing more of a story rather than erotica. I consider it more plot with sex in it rather than one that focuses on the sex most.

There are some gaps in what is being presented. Those are intentional.

Yes, I know I am shining a big light on plenty of issues. And sometimes go a bit too hard.

*

So, feedback is welcome.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first story. I like the basic setup and it seems like a universe that you could have a lot of fun in. It's always dangerous critiquing on-going stories as issues I have here might be solved or recontexualized later on.

1) You mention that you've written more. I think that having a bit more in this opening chapter might have been a good idea. One of the issues I think you have is that you've introduced that MC's main desire 'to lose his virginity' and then resolved that plot point in the same chapter. The problems is that the main job of a part one in a series like this is to get the reader to want to read part two and by wrapping up this plot thread so quickly and not really introducing another desire/problem you're leaving the reader with much to look forward to except vague promises that there will be more action on the next planet.

2) You've got a real problem with ...'s in your writing. They should be used sparingly but you have them in nearly every paragraph. To some extent its okay to show hesitation in speech but even then the reader will get the idea of the character's nervousness with far fewer. Definitely cull them in your description paragraphs.

3) That leads me on to the fact that I didn't find Will to be a very likable character. It's not so much the fact that he's no good with women, that's fine. It's just that he's a very passive character. Everything happens to him rather than him making things happen. It doesn't help that the whole of this chapter takes place in the same location. The first sentence gives his motivations as 'getting laid' and this is repeated several times. At twenty-five, you could phrase it as 'lose his virginity' or 'have a meanful romantic and hopefully sexual relationship' and have him come across as a bit deeper. Since he hasn't displayed any other admirable qualities yet, its a bit hard to root for him.

4) The other issue with Will and with the sex is the story seems very conflicted with the idea of the alien having a penis. Will doesn't like the idea, but isn't offput enough not to have sex with the alien - but would still rather it wasn't there. This again makes him seem shallow (and phrases like 'by the bro code, he was already gay' don't help). The thing here is you're falling between two fetishes - those who are turned on by transgender sex and those who are turned off by it and giving neither what they really want.

BTW might 'herm' be an indelicate term to use? I've never seen the word before, so I genuinely don't know. It is noticable that you go back and forth between using this word, 'man' and 'woman' depending on what part of the alien's anatomy you're focusing on.

5) You do quite a large information dump at the beginning of the story. This comes across as a little flat - again, it's an interesting setup, but it's told too factually and lacks details. One often quoted rule of 'sci-fi/fantasy' writing is that you should have one really cool idea/technology/alien/magic in your opening section to get your reader interested and its best if its something that the MC comes face-to-face with quicky. This could be the idea that 'sex is common/the aliens are devient' but this maybe is not enough or at least its told rather matter-of-factly. Otherwise, there's not enough in the description to make your world feel particularly unique. It doesn't help that you nudge and wink that the aliens are basically Mass Effect Asari (I presume).

6) The sex needs to be longer. You mention the characters talk to each other - we need to actually see this on the page. We also need more direct feelings from Will. How does he feel when he sees the alien cum? Again some of the writing is a bit matter-of-fact. The key point when writing sex is not to say what happened but how good it felt when it did.

7) There's a lack of drama. He's on a spaceship filled with aliens that he didn't know existed two months ago, going to an alien world. It doesn't help that the language and description of everything is normalized. He's going on a cruise. His bedroom looks like a three-star hotel - (although I've read good science-fiction stories where the drama is that his room on the alien spaceship looks exactly like 'the one-star hotel he stayed in in Skegness with his parents when he was eight years old, down to the rising damp and the Gideon's bible in the bedside drawer' Something like that anyway - Douglas Adams maybe?) The alien is very friendly and talks him through his emotional issues. For this story, I'd expect their to be some kind of Faustian deal where he gets to lose his virginity but there's some kind of danger or downside. At the very least, he should be absolutely terrified and he doesn't seem to be.

That may sound like a lot. It's not really, just science-fiction erotica is really, really difficult because you have all the problems of sci-fi world building with all the problems of writing sex for the first time, neither of which are easy. (plus introducing real actual characters)

 

[TheRedChamber]

It's bad form to start to write your own story when giving feedback to someone else's, but I'm going to suggest that I feel like maybe your starting the story in the wrong place here. What I might have done is something like:

- Will has finally gotten a girl (lets call her Stacey) upto his room (hotel room/room at houseparty etc). They're making out. Virginity loss in ten...nine...eight...
- Roommate or whoever bursts in going "Aliens...no seriously, Aliens."
- They go down, everyone's watching television. Aliens land on the White House lawn. Biden-substitute goes to greet them.
- Aliens announce "We come in peace." Everyone's happy the world is not going to get vapourized. "And to celebrate our friendship, lets [insert your favourite depraved sex act here]."
- Biden pauses, says "Sorry, I'm married." Aliens say "Of course your wife and kids (18+) can join in too." (Crazy sex scene broadcast to the whole world here if you're in the mood to write it).
- Back at Will's Stacey gets a call from her hyper-religious parents who are insisting she leave with them to a prepper center in the middle of nowhere straight away. Will's never go to see her again.
- End of episode with the aliens saying "We invite 10,000 virgins to our homeworld."

Then open chapter two with Will just about to take-off from the Earth (because take-off is the most exciting bit) and have things proceed much the same.

 

[Stimtheone]

Ah, finally a bit of feedback and such a generous amount. Not to sound like I'm arguing back, but some issues might be solved later on, the guy starts being a bit more brave, growing and such. At the point I am currently laying down he is quite admirable, and indeed it is such growth from his almost disappointing beginnings. I think the point I wanted to make might be that he's learning that his notions of sex are very bad and this is lesson one. Also, I did not want to pack too much in the first part. But i do admit I have missed that drop of the big thread which will be consistently followed through.

And you do have a point with the "silence". I did indeed want the guy to sound hesitant, but they should be far more rare if not inexistent in description. I will be far more attentive about that since they are indeed something I jump towards without thinking. Never noticed before.

While the scenes do increase also in length and sensation I will take that bit to heart. Perhaps the best point here was that the first story would indeed be a teaser... perhaps I might write a prologue describing first contact. Actually, that is now on my to do list. Sounds like a good idea. I'm gonna go with some different ideas, but the incentive is real.

Also, let me just say that the drama is also increasing. The story is kinda gaining momentum as it goes. Perhaps an example of "early installment weirdness" rather than just making it from start to finish, then trying to have a consistent quality.

Still, glad and thankful for constructive criticism. Some of the others that I shared it with and am on constant speaking terms just said "amazing" and kinda nothing else. So I will pay attention. Actually, time to go back from the start of this part I'm writing and consider these points. No, I will not go back. I will let my shame stay up there openly.