Feedback on my first story

[UnderscoreRedhead]

Hey all! I finished my first story a little while ago and I would love some feedback.

If you’re up for a longer read, all five parts (posted in four) are up to read, but all constructive criticism is welcome!

Reading it again now, I think it definitely gets better as it goes on, I did more editing on the last parts. What are your thoughts? How’s the pacing? Too much story? Not enough? *Warning, contained themes of NonCon* Thanks!!

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4/5

 

[TheRedChamber]

Congratulations on your first story. It's a very good debut and probably the best compliment I can pay it is that I only intended to read the first part, and ended up reading all 5 (or 4). Here's my feedback.

1) I think it would have improved by being longer - certain parts of it felt underdeveloped or rushed and I think the basic idea could work well over a 100+ page book. More specifically, I started part 4/5 feeling like we weren't really entering the final act of the story. The Part 4/5 thing was a bit confusing as what was posted together wasn't particularly much longer than any of the earlier parts and there was no clear division between the two parts.

2) I don't think there's a huge change in the writing, but I'd agree that things get slightly tighter as you go. The first part had some longer paragraphs that could have been edited down. I'm the sort of reader who thinks the best prose is the sort that you don't even notice because you're caught up in the story and that generally applied. There's one howler where you use 'skiing' for 'asking' but I didn't notice any other serious mistakes.

3) One issue that crops up occassionally is your use for perspective - most of the story is told in close third behind Hemma, but you like to switch occassionally and I'm not sure you've really fully got the hang of it. At the end of part two Hemma passes out and the perspective switches to Fosta and you use this to give us an important plot revelation, but it's really only an quick information dump - it does serve it's purpose of giving us a good cliff-hanger for the next part, but it's still a bit abrupt. Similarly you have a section with Halvor the priest in part 4. Again this isn't a bad idea in theory, seeing Hemma' goddess transformation through the eyes of a terrified mortal is good, but since nearly all of that section is dialogue and would therefore be the same whoever's perspective we're look through, it doesn't really come across so strongly.

4) Related partially to 3 I think, I had a bit of a problem with the end of part 3. The scene doesn't feel particularly well composed to me. Fosta, sensing the 'disappearance' of Hemma teleports to the vineyard and follows the search party, behind the search dogs but ahead of the humans. However, things get a bit confusing after that. We get a "No. Not again" which has double quotes around it suggesting it is spoken aloud and then a She was dead, which sounds like a fact, but in close third could just be Fosta's assumption. However, it's not clear to the reader how far a god can smell and then torches are said to enter the clearing. Has Fosta had a good look at the scene and had to hide again? Is there some kind of fake body? In any case, what's really missing for me is an emotional reaction from Fosta - he initially thinks she's dead, but the next time we're in his head he's thinking how stupid the humans are for being fooled. We don't get a moment when he realizes that she's faking it and (presumably) is releaved.

5) Hemma is a bit of a blank slate character throughout a lot of the story - lack of agency is often a feature of NonCon stories, but we don't really get much of a window on her personality before things start to happen to her - she's quiet and lets Ospree do all the talking in the first few scenes of part one. She's similiarly fairly muted during the wedding and joining the temple. She takes decisive action at the end of the story, but a lot of the story beats are things which happen to her which she has no control over and then she flees. I think this created a plot issue for me in that when she's cleared of corruption, it's not entirely clear what corruption she has - the story so far hasn't really told us anything she's done wrong in life and it's not clear what she's being cleaned of except a general Original Sin type of corruption (a concept which I've never particularly liked)

6) A lot of theories of story structure have a section called 'Fun and Games' - i.e. the moment in the story in the middle act where the hero, having decided now to become a pirate/spy/jedi/getaway driver finally gets to do some pirating/spying/lightsaber duelling/getting away largely untroubled by the big-bad and turns out to be quite good at it. In this story although Hemma uses her powers to escape and we see some flashes of her powers coming to the surface, she never really gets a chance to see what she's fully capable of - again this is one of the reason why I think the story should be longers.

7) The story is very story first and erotica second - which is perfectly fine, but Hemma is never really sexually satisfied during the story, and thus as readers neither are we. You make it clear with the early bath scene that she has her own sexuality and we see flashes of it in other places, but essentially the sex scenes are either rape or loveless marriage - she never gets to fully enjoy sex on her own terms. Although Hemma ends up with the upper hand, its also worth noting that its implied that she ends up with a 'cured rapist' - his actions were all a result of bad 'corruption' and he'll be better in the future. It's one of those tropes which makes a lot of people feel uneasy these days.


That may seem like a lot, but it's not intended to be. It was an ambitious first story that I enjoyed and most of these things are minor.

 

[BSwett060]

Hey all! I finished my first story a little while ago and I would love some feedback.

If you’re up for a longer read, all five parts (posted in four) are up to read, but all constructive criticism is welcome!

Reading it again now, I think it definitely gets better as it goes on, I did more editing on the last parts. What are your thoughts? How’s the pacing? Too much story? Not enough? *Warning, contained themes of NonCon* Thanks!!

Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4/5

Congratulations and best wishes for the success of your stories. I’ll be sure to read them when I get a chance.