Am I autistic?

[burgwad]

Per Dr. Lily’s suggestion, I am opening up to you all about something sensitive and weird. I haven’t gotten screened yet, but I think I may be more autistic than not. I’m 36, to be clear, so this possibility is wild to me.

My case, in brief:

• I also have ADHD, mild Seasonal Affective Disorder, and OCPD tendencies; all treated with therapy and medication
• I am a consummate conversationalist, but I am profoundly introverted and have no close friends aside from my partner; I struggle to initiate and sustain lasting friendships
• I am happiest in a daily routine, and loathe last minute changes to my expected schedule
• In childhood, I was often called “obsessive,” “really special,” and “a whiner” by my parents, teachers, and older brother
• I hate competitions. But. The things I am good at or passionate about I am very conspicuously good at or passionate about, to the point where I will become a fierce competitor to prove my hypercompetence. I don’t need to be THE best, just better than anyone I happen to meet. Charming, no?
• Elementary was great for me, my class was generally chummy and inclusive, and I felt popular and normal; even while I knew I was an odd duck, I ran and was always elected to student government; but middle school was a tortuous social labyrinth that still haunts my nightmares, and high school was only marginally better thanks almost entirely to a tight (2-person) cadre of brotherlike friends who constantly pushed me to get out of my comfort zone, quit overthinking, stop with the mind games, literally just go outside, etc.
• Flirting can fuck 100% off. I am too often told I have been flirted at without realizing it. When I do pick up on someone flirting, it makes me cringe so hard. Worst, I have been accused of flirting when I did not mean to. This last one just sucks, as it turns my genuine warmth and chattiness into something creepy and embarrassing.
• Dating was never my strong suit, and while I gave it my best shot multiple times throughout adolescence, I hurt and was hurt often enough that by college I was just done. I still lusted crazily for the girls around me, but came to see this lust as inevitable, and got used to masturbating the pain away. Eventually a friend played matchmaker for me and I met my now-partner. I still regard this as one of the luckiest fucking things that ever happened to/for me.
• My partner is basically Mom 2.0 for me, a fact of which I am not proud, but desperately appreciative of. She manages all things life-related for me (bills, taxes, scheduling, family planning, etc.) to the extent that, yeah, on paper I am an absolutely shit partner. But she assures me I bring wit and warmth to the table, that I’m the ’heart’ to her ‘brain,’ I’m predictable and trustworthy, I’m caring, patient, collaborative, etc. And we both agree I am a good Dad.
• I have been a wildly confident public speaker and performer since grade school; speeches were something I became obsessed with in 4th grade, then came public musical performance in adolescence, waiting tables like it was a fine art during and after college, managing restaurants in adulthood; in terms of “masking,” it is not inappropriate to say I am a savant
• Speaking of waiting tables, that job was HUGE for teaching me about reading people, and in turn reading myself better in social situations; in terms of masking, restaurants caused a full evolutionary upgrade for me [think Pokémon, like giving Pikachu a Thunderstone]
• In terms of my erotica, I write stuff that is meandering, bloated, kink-heavy, and stylistically demanding (= not for casual readers). My process is idiosyncratic and soul-draining. I don’t write how I do “on purpose,” necessarily, but I have spent decades honing my skill all the same.

I know I can be long-winded, especially when I’m talking about myself, so I appreciate anybody who reads this far. I am hoping to connect in this thread with others here who are or suspect they might be autistic and want to talk to me about it. People close to the autistic community, or who have close friends or family with autism, are welcome too. I don’t have a super clear-cut goal from there except to learn.

A little sheepishly,

 

[AwkwardlySet]

I am here just to offer support because it takes guts to pour your heart out as you did. I am not sure if you will find actual autistic people on AH, but you will definitely find sympathetic souls about many things you mentioned. If most of us weren't oddballs, we wouldn't be here, in this place.

Being strange means being at home here so I am sure you will find plenty of people who recognize some or all of the experiences you mentioned. I recognize only a tiny bit, but one would think that I should be better adjusted for it.
Alas, I am still Awkwardly Set

 

[Euphony]

I understand the comfort naming a thing can give a patient but I don't know this venue can offer anything even remotely actionable on autism. Think of how new the area of study is in the grand scheme of psychology. There've been seismic shift in understanding and attitudes w/Autism that make even practicing clinicians outdated unless they've done serious regular continuing education study.

Living in the land of "capitalism doesn't care whether you live or die, just that you're profitable" I get how hard it can be to get help not even accounting for the emotional hurdles one must clear to ASK for help.

Even if you're not Autistic, you clearly would benefit from being heard. And someone far more qualified than us can help you navigate the idiosyncrasies of your personality in a far healthier way than (most?) of our suggestions.

There's plenty of material online, emerging science and all, but I'd worry you'd get WebMd syndrome. (think you have flesh eating virus. Read about flesh eating virus. Now sure you have flesh eating virus.)

I've no idea where you are but there are National helplines to guide you to those better able to help.

https://nar.vu.nl/english/general-information-about-autism

https://www.autism.org.uk/what-we-do/help-and-support

https://autismsociety.org/wp-content/uploads/2023/09/2023_Autism_Society_Helpline-FAQ_Digital.pdf

 

[Lifestyle66]

Why look for labels? Would it make a difference to be able to brag or complain to others? Or would it be an excuse for something else, if you could point to some "diagnosis"?

My ex-wife used to complain that she was always late because she had Attention Deficit Disorder (diagnosed with "A.D.D."), and she couldn't manage time. She would say "That's why I have so many clocks around, to remind me of the time."

But when I would point out the time to her, and that she'd be late unless she would start moving, I found after so many failed attempts to get her moving that she merely used that as an excuse. She would make a point of sitting still and NOT moving when I asked or reminded her, to ensure that she was at least ten minutes late for EVERYTHING, making others wait for her. It was her way of trying to control me and others. (That's why she's my EX.)

So, either look for labels to use as excuses or focus on being happy just being you.

 

[SimonDoom]

I would say, don't try to self-diagnose or obtain a diagnosis here. See qualified professionals.

I also agree with much of what Lifestyle66 said. Labels only help so much, especially because a diagnosis of "autistic" can mean so many different things, with varying degrees of skills and functionality. Focus instead on specific patterns of behavior, why they happen, and what, realistically, can be done about them. Prioritize the things you want to deal with, because it gets overwhelming if you think, "I'm a mess and I cannot cope." I believe somewhat in cognitive therapy as a psychological/therapeutic approach to dealing with self-harming behavior patterns, but the only method that works is the one you follow through with. There are some useful books on cognitive therapy, but there's no substitute for working with someone.

 

[onehitwanda]

I see parallels of your behaviour in my own, but I know I'm just introverted.

I also see things on your list that mirror things that friends and relatives of friends who are clinically diagnosed as autistic do in fact do.

Be that as it may, as in all these things, the best thing you could do perhaps for your own peace of mind is to see a qualified professional and talk to them.

Labels don't define us. They simply provide an (occasionally helpful, often hurtful) method for OTHER people to define us.

 

[Abdelkaoolomocro]

Proud of you for being this open. My daughter (15) has been diagnosed with autism and ADHD.
I know how hard it must be for you, bless you.

 

[LittleLilyCanWrite]

It’s not a diagnosis I want, either. Nor is it one I am very upfront about. But it has been so important for making sense of myself and my life story.

I like this thread, burgwad, both how you have started it and what it is turning into. There’s a diversity of opinions already, some of which I disagree with, but that all seem to center around You Doing You. Whatever Doing You turns out to be I’m curious to see whatever happens next for you.

 

[alohadave]

Per Dr. Lily’s suggestion, I am opening up to you all about something sensitive and weird. I haven’t gotten screened yet, but I think I may be more autistic than not. I’m 36, to be clear, so this possibility is wild to me.

A little sheepishly,

This isn't for diagnosis, but it may help give you an idea if you are introverted or autistic.

I also have been wondering if I might be on the spectrum, but the way he describes it, the signs don't really apply to me. I'm more strongly introverted and the older I get, the less I want to deal with socializing in groups.

Edit: this is another video I found useful

 

[SimonDoom]

Labels don't define us. They simply provide an (occasionally helpful, often hurtful) method for OTHER people to define us.

Labels, or perhaps more accurately diagnoses with names attached to them, can help us in some ways. They can help us understand that we are not alone, and that there are others like us, that they've gone through some of the same things we have, and that there are resources available to help people who've gone through similar things. A label, as long as it's used appropriately and humanely, can serve a helpful normalizing function, as well as an unhelpful abnormalizing function if used improperly.

I have my issues, and I'm probably borderline ADHD, and it's helpful in a way to know that, although the diagnosis isn't a solution. I'm not autistic, but someone very close to me has been diagnosed as probably being somewhat autistic, after years of frustrations and tests, but this person has never fully accepted the diagnosis, so it's only so helpful.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Lay on the couch, and tell me all about the first thing on your list. Take your time. We have 50 minutes and expect you to exhaust every one of those minutes so we can pick up where you left off next time. I've taken the liberty to book you for twice a week, 52 weeks in advance. At $120 per session, that comes to $12,480. Do you want to pay it all upfront or a bi-weekly recurring charge?

Per Dr. Lily’s suggestion, I am opening up to you all about something sensitive and weird. I haven’t gotten screened yet, but I think I may be more autistic than not. I’m 36, to be clear, so this possibility is wild to me.

My case, in brief:

• I also have ADHD, mild Seasonal Affective Disorder, and OCPD tendencies; all treated with therapy and medication
• I am a consummate conversationalist, but I am profoundly introverted and have no close friends aside from my partner; I struggle to initiate and sustain lasting friendships
• I am happiest in a daily routine, and loathe last minute changes to my expected schedule
• In childhood, I was often called “obsessive,” “really special,” and “a whiner” by my parents, teachers, and older brother
• I hate competitions. But. The things I am good at or passionate about I am very conspicuously good at or passionate about, to the point where I will become a fierce competitor to prove my hypercompetence. I don’t need to be THE best, just better than anyone I happen to meet. Charming, no?
• Elementary was great for me, my class was generally chummy and inclusive, and I felt popular and normal; even while I knew I was an odd duck, I ran and was always elected to student government; but middle school was a tortuous social labyrinth that still haunts my nightmares, and high school was only marginally better thanks almost entirely to a tight (2-person) cadre of brotherlike friends who constantly pushed me to get out of my comfort zone, quit overthinking, stop with the mind games, literally just go outside, etc.
• Flirting can fuck 100% off. I am too often told I have been flirted at without realizing it. When I do pick up on someone flirting, it makes me cringe so hard. Worst, I have been accused of flirting when I did not mean to. This last one just sucks, as it turns my genuine warmth and chattiness into something creepy and embarrassing.
• Dating was never my strong suit, and while I gave it my best shot multiple times throughout adolescence, I hurt and was hurt often enough that by college I was just done. I still lusted crazily for the girls around me, but came to see this lust as inevitable, and got used to masturbating the pain away. Eventually a friend played matchmaker for me and I met my now-partner. I still regard this as one of the luckiest fucking things that ever happened to/for me.
• My partner is basically Mom 2.0 for me, a fact of which I am not proud, but desperately appreciative of. She manages all things life-related for me (bills, taxes, scheduling, family planning, etc.) to the extent that, yeah, on paper I am an absolutely shit partner. But she assures me I bring wit and warmth to the table, that I’m the ’heart’ to her ‘brain,’ I’m predictable and trustworthy, I’m caring, patient, collaborative, etc. And we both agree I am a good Dad.
• I have been a wildly confident public speaker and performer since grade school; speeches were something I became obsessed with in 4th grade, then came public musical performance in adolescence, waiting tables like it was a fine art during and after college, managing restaurants in adulthood; in terms of “masking,” it is not inappropriate to say I am a savant
• Speaking of waiting tables, that job was HUGE for teaching me about reading people, and in turn reading myself better in social situations; in terms of masking, restaurants caused a full evolutionary upgrade for me [think Pokémon, like giving Pikachu a Thunderstone]
• In terms of my erotica, I write stuff that is meandering, bloated, kink-heavy, and stylistically demanding (= not for casual readers). My process is idiosyncratic and soul-draining. I don’t write how I do “on purpose,” necessarily, but I have spent decades honing my skill all the same.

I know I can be long-winded, especially when I’m talking about myself, so I appreciate anybody who reads this far. I am hoping to connect in this thread with others here who are or suspect they might be autistic and want to talk to me about it. People close to the autistic community, or who have close friends or family with autism, are welcome too. I don’t have a super clear-cut goal from there except to learn.

A little sheepishly,

 

[ElectricBlue]

There are many folk in the AH who have openly declared themselves as Neuro-Diverse, with clinical diagnoses, and many others who probably are. It's not my place to name anyone, but I'm sure someone will drop by. I'm not one of them, but know many, both here, in workplaces, and amongst peers of my kids.

Here in Australia, in the last decade or so, there's been a massive shift in awareness of diversity at all levels: government, medical, in the media, within business and the wider community.

 

[SimonDoom]

Here in Australia, in the last decade or so, there's been a massive shift in awareness of diversity at all levels: government, medical, in the media, within business and the wider community.

The human brain can have trouble with diversity. It requires un-learning centuries of habits and attitudes. Ancient humans were less concerned with appreciating the marvelous diversity of the animal kingdom than with making a quick, possibly life-saving binary decision: is that something I want to eat, or does it want to eat me?

 

[stickygirl]

Per Dr. Lily’s suggestion, I am opening up to you all about something sensitive and weird. I haven’t gotten screened yet, but I think I may be more autistic than not. I’m 36, to be clear, so this possibility is wild to me.

My case, in brief:

• I also have ADHD, mild Seasonal Affective Disorder, and OCPD tendencies; all treated with therapy and medication

There are loads of ways to be a human, with plenty of Venn diagram overlaps, so while these are frequent comorbidities, they don't indicate anything wrt autism.

• I am a consummate conversationalist, but I am profoundly introverted and have no close friends aside from my partner; I struggle to initiate and sustain lasting friendships

Same but how are you giving impromptu talks without preparation? I have a small circle of very close friends and hate it if one moves away or I lose contact. It feels like they died.

• I am happiest in a daily routine, and loathe last minute changes to my expected schedule

This is a trait that's often cited with autism.

• In childhood, I was often called “obsessive,” “really special,” and “a whiner” by my parents, teachers, and older brother

"Attention seeking diva"... yup. I heard these before

• I hate competitions. But. The things I am good at or passionate about I am very conspicuously good at or passionate about, to the point where I will become a fierce competitor to prove my hypercompetence. I don’t need to be THE best, just better than anyone I happen to meet. Charming, no?

You may be harder on yourself than a NT person, so that fits

• Elementary was great for me, my class was generally chummy and inclusive, and I felt popular and normal; even while I knew I was an odd duck, I ran and was always elected to student government; but middle school was a tortuous social labyrinth that still haunts my nightmares, and high school was only marginally better thanks almost entirely to a tight (2-person) cadre of brotherlike friends who constantly pushed me to get out of my comfort zone, quit overthinking, stop with the mind games, literally just go outside, etc.

Spot on. As children grow, they start to develop more sophisticated communications and social groups that can leave ND kids struggling. My cousins son hit this problem key stage 2, but now is at a specialist school where's he's thriving.

• Flirting can fuck 100% off. I am too often told I have been flirted at without realizing it. When I do pick up on someone flirting, it makes me cringe so hard. Worst, I have been accused of flirting when I did not mean to. This last one just sucks, as it turns my genuine warmth and chattiness into something creepy and embarrassing.

Flirting is an intuitive skill than can be impossible to play without looking awkward and weird. Weird flirting is cool though, because only the good ones make the grade.

• Dating was never my strong suit, and while I gave it my best shot multiple times throughout adolescence, I hurt and was hurt often enough that by college I was just done. I still lusted crazily for the girls around me, but came to see this lust as inevitable, and got used to masturbating the pain away. Eventually a friend played matchmaker for me and I met my now-partner. I still regard this as one of the luckiest fucking things that ever happened to/for me.

Whatever works is good. I let the other person hit on me and eventually I catch on and hopefully they haven't thought I'm cold, snobbish or asexual.

• My partner is basically Mom 2.0 for me, a fact of which I am not proud, but desperately appreciative of. She manages all things life-related for me (bills, taxes, scheduling, family planning, etc.) to the extent that, yeah, on paper I am an absolutely shit partner. But she assures me I bring wit and warmth to the table, that I’m the ’heart’ to her ‘brain,’ I’m predictable and trustworthy, I’m caring, patient, collaborative, etc. And we both agree I am a good Dad.

Neutral on this point. Congrats you may be human

• I have been a wildly confident public speaker and performer since grade school; speeches were something I became obsessed with in 4th grade, then came public musical performance in adolescence, waiting tables like it was a fine art during and after college, managing restaurants in adulthood; in terms of “masking,” it is not inappropriate to say I am a savant

Acting is a good profession for auties because we role play all day but getting paid for it is fab.

• Speaking of waiting tables, that job was HUGE for teaching me about reading people, and in turn reading myself better in social situations; in terms of masking, restaurants caused a full evolutionary upgrade for me [think Pokémon, like giving Pikachu a Thunderstone]

Sounds like you made the study of people into a conscious exercise. Kerching

• In terms of my erotica, I write stuff that is meandering, bloated, kink-heavy, and stylistically demanding (= not for casual readers). My process is idiosyncratic and soul-draining. I don’t write how I do “on purpose,” necessarily, but I have spent decades honing my skill all the same.

Neutral again.

I know I can be long-winded, especially when I’m talking about myself, so I appreciate anybody who reads this far. I am hoping to connect in this thread with others here who are or suspect they might be autistic and want to talk to me about it. People close to the autistic community, or who have close friends or family with autism, are welcome too. I don’t have a super clear-cut goal from there except to learn.

Oh fuck yes - give an autie a chance to tell an anecdote and you'll get a rambling two hour diatribe. On the writing score, find a decent editor who give you some pointers. Think about the immediacy of how you describe, draw the reader in and avoid qualifying.

A little sheepishly,

I'm no therapist so take my opinion with a pinch. Do you need a diagnosis for some reason, like work accommodations or are you simply curious? If the latter, do some reading around. I can point you to some references. If your autism isn't causing you a problem and you've worked out your coping mechanisms day-to-day then try to enjoy being you.

Sorry for taking up so much page, folks

 

[stickygirl]

Why look for labels? Would it make a difference to be able to brag or complain to others? Or would it be an excuse for something else, if you could point to some "diagnosis"?

My ex-wife used to complain that she was always late because she had Attention Deficit Disorder (diagnosed with "A.D.D."), and she couldn't manage time. She would say "That's why I have so many clocks around, to remind me of the time."

But when I would point out the time to her, and that she'd be late unless she would start moving, I found after so many failed attempts to get her moving that she merely used that as an excuse. She would make a point of sitting still and NOT moving when I asked or reminded her, to ensure that she was at least ten minutes late for EVERYTHING, making others wait for her. It was her way of trying to control me and others. (That's why she's my EX.)

So, either look for labels to use as excuses or focus on being happy just being you.

Why a label? Good question
Because NT folks don't ask those questions of themselves, but somehow 'wing-it' through life with intuition.

You can reach out and shake someone's hand, look them in the eye and remember their name. Every time I'm in that situation, I start to stress myself with questions 'Is this the right time to shake hands? Is it too early, too late? If they shake longer than expected do I hang on and keep shaking? Should I smile as I shake hands - you remember how to smile, girl, so don't be scary. Are they looking me in the eye? Does their eye contact mean something and if I look away because they're looking right inside my fucking soul, is it rude? Was I just rude?...
and you expect me to remember your fucking name?'

So it's not because we want a label, it's because we question everything and need answers to plan for the next hand-shaking scenario and the variables that might occur. It isn't vanity because, fuck me, we really don't have time for vanity with all this shit in our heads 24/7.

I can't explain your wife's actions but I hope you're both in a better place now.

 

[stickygirl]

Lay on the couch, and tell me all about the first thing on your list. Take your time. We have 50 minutes and expect you to exhaust every one of those minutes so we can pick up where you left off next time. I've taken the liberty to book you for twice a week, 52 weeks in advance. At $120 per session, that comes to $12,480. Do you want to pay it all upfront or a bi-weekly recurring charge?

I've heard that can happen. My counsellor stated at the outset, we'd have six one hour sessions and that would be it. She said it was important that sessions did not drag on interminably.

 

[MillieDynamite]

I always say, just who the fuck are you? They answer, and I say, No, that's not right.

Why a label? Good question
Because NT folks don't ask those questions of themselves, but somehow 'wing-it' through life through intuition.

You can reach out and shake someone's hand, look them in the eye and remember their name. Every time I'm in that situation, I start to stress myself with questions 'Is this the right time to shake hands? Is it too early, too late? If they shake longer than expected do I hang on and keep shaking? Should I smile as I shake hands - you remember how to smile, girl, so don't be scary. Are they looking me in the eye? Does their eye contact mean something and if I look away because they're looking right inside my fucking soul, is it rude? Was I just rude?...
and you expect me to remember your fucking name?'

So it's not because we want a label, it's because we question everything and need answers to plan for the next hand-shaking scenario and the variables that might occur. It isn't vanity because, fuck me, we really don't have time for vanity with all this shit in our heads 24/7.

I can't explain your wife's actions but I hope you're both in a better place now.

 

[MillieDynamite]

Well, that woman just doesn't know who to milk the cow. She'd never make the grade in a story of mine.

I've heard that can happen. My counsellor stated at the outset, we'd have six one hour sessions and that would be it. She said it was important that sessions did not drag on interminably.

 

[Lifestyle66]

Why a label? Good question
Because NT folks don't ask those questions of themselves, but somehow 'wing-it' through life with intuition.

You can reach out and shake someone's hand, look them in the eye and remember their name. Every time I'm in that situation, I start to stress myself with questions 'Is this the right time to shake hands? Is it too early, too late? If they shake longer than expected do I hang on and keep shaking? Should I smile as I shake hands - you remember how to smile, girl, so don't be scary. Are they looking me in the eye? Does their eye contact mean something and if I look away because they're looking right inside my fucking soul, is it rude? Was I just rude?...
and you expect me to remember your fucking name?'

So it's not because we want a label, it's because we question everything and need answers to plan for the next hand-shaking scenario and the variables that might occur. It isn't vanity because, fuck me, we really don't have time for vanity with all this shit in our heads 24/7.

I can't explain your wife's actions but I hope you're both in a better place now.

You seem to be asking yourself far too many questions. And what does that have to do with seeking labels?

Labels seem to me to be a way of trying to fit into groups, as if trying to bond with other people by saying "See, I'm just like you because I'm ____, too."

Or labels can be used as an excuse, just as my ex-wife used them to excuse her bad behavior. "It's not my fault for being late, because I have A.D.D. So, you all must accommodate me." (Even though I saw through that excuse and KNEW she deliberately ignored my time warnings.)

You might even apply labels to me, call me whatever names or insults you like with labels.

But insults and labels mean nothing to me. I am who and what I am: a very unique person on this Earth!

My ex-wife used labels because she didn't like people complaining about her being late. She couldn't admit to herself she was deliberately offending everyone else. My ex-wife is still in a bad place, because she can't reconcile her choices with the reactions of the people she offends. My current wife is self-confident and ignores such labeling. If I call her a bitch for doing or saying something offensive, she just accepts it, sweetly replying "But I'm YOUR bitch!"

Be proud and self-confident, try liking who you are. That's how confident people "wing it" through life. We make the decision to LIKE ourselves! Say "Fuck that handshake drama! They should feel honored that I reached my hand out to shake theirs!" EDIT: And remember their name? LOL Why the fuck should I care? They'll tell me their name again the next time I see them, if they want me to remember.

 

[stickygirl]

You seem to be asking yourself far too many questions. And what does that have to do with seeking labels?

Labels seem to me to be a way of trying to fit into groups, as if trying to bond with other people by saying "See, I'm just like you because I'm ____, too."

Or labels can be used as an excuse, just as my ex-wife used them to excuse her bad behavior. "It's not my fault for being late, because I have A.D.D. So, you all must accommodate me." (Even though I saw through that excuse and KNEW she deliberately ignored my time warnings.)

You might even apply labels to me, call me whatever names or insults you like with labels.

But insults and labels mean nothing to me. I am who and what I am: a very unique person on this Earth!

My ex-wife used labels because she didn't like people complaining about her being late. She couldn't admit to herself she was deliberately offending everyone else. My ex-wife is still in a bad place, because she can't reconcile her choices with the reactions of the people she offends. My current wife is self-confident and ignores such labeling. If I call her a bitch for doing or saying something offensive, she just accepts it, sweetly replying "But I'm YOUR bitch!"

Be proud and self-confident, try liking who you are. That's how confident people "wing it" through life. We make the decision to LIKE ourselves! Say "Fuck that handshake drama! They should feel honored that I reached my hand out to shake theirs!" EDIT: And remember their name? LOL Why the fuck should I care? They'll tell me their name again the next time I see them, if they want me to remember.

Lucky you! Keep winging

 

[Lifestyle66]

Lucky you! Keep winging

YOU can feel the same way. But it's a choice YOU must make!

 

[M_K_Babalon]

I don't know if you are, I do know I'd probably find you annoying.

 

[stickygirl]

YOU can feel the same way. But it's a choice YOU must make!

I thought I might reply but I can't be bothered and I know you won't care, so we're all good

 

[Lifestyle66]

I don't know if you are, I do know I'd probably find you annoying.

I know. And you'd avoid people like me. (I appreciate that, too.)

I've noticed that people who are not confident or are insecure NEED others similarly insecure around them to feel better about themselves.

But that seems like a self-destructive feedback loop. Rather than looking for ways to improve yourself, you look for others with whom to commiserate.

SG said "Lucky you", as if luck had everything to do with my confidence. While growing up, in school, I was the butt of jokes, a loner, and had very few positive self-image views of myself. I chose to join the Army an infantryman and volunteered for special courses and assignments to remake myself. I made CHOICES to make myself better and more confident.

I just advise others to try that same approach: Make the choices to improve YOU and how YOU feel about yourself! But in the greater society, look around and try to see what others believe are the better choices. Otherwise, if their opinions matter to you, it's going to be an up-hill battle always fighting the opinions of others.

 

[Bramblethorn]

Why look for labels? Would it make a difference to be able to brag or complain to others? Or would it be an excuse for something else, if you could point to some "diagnosis"?

My ex-wife used to complain that she was always late because she had Attention Deficit Disorder (diagnosed with "A.D.D."), and she couldn't manage time. She would say "That's why I have so many clocks around, to remind me of the time."

But when I would point out the time to her, and that she'd be late unless she would start moving, I found after so many failed attempts to get her moving that she merely used that as an excuse. She would make a point of sitting still and NOT moving when I asked or reminded her, to ensure that she was at least ten minutes late for EVERYTHING, making others wait for her. It was her way of trying to control me and others. (That's why she's my EX.)

ADHD often comes with time-blindness. But also, people with ADHD often find it difficult to start things, even when they know what the time is and know the thing needs to be done. Executive function disorders are a bitch that way.

So, either look for labels to use as excuses or focus on being happy just being you.

"Just being you", you say...

As an undiagnosed-autistic kid, like most autistic kids, I went through several decades of immersion training on not being me. Before I was a teenager, I learned that my natural body language was making people uncomfortable and I needed to change it. I loved to swing my arms excessively while I was walking; I stopped doing that. I found it easier to concentrate on what people were saying if I wasn't looking at them; they found that disrespectful and dishonest; I put a lot of effort into making eye contact even if it meant I could no longer absorb what they were saying. When I talked too much about the topics that fascinated me, I was being weird and obsessive; I learned to suppress that enthusiasm and monitor my own excitement. When I wanted to spend my lunch reading quietly, that was wrong; I was supposed to be out socialising with kids who had no interest in what interested me.

(I wrote "excessively" there. It wasn't excessive for me! It was natural and happy and it wasn't hurting anybody. But when you're trained incessantly that such things are bad and your duty is to fit in, inevitably you end up internalising a lot of that.)

LC mentioned in another thread that when you grow up in an abusive household, you learn to walk silently so as not to attract attention. Autistic kids tend to pick up something similar, but on a social level.

By the time we realise that perhaps we're not the standard model human, and that this is okay, and that we should just be ourselves... "just be you" is a distant vaguely-remembered land, maybe thirty, forty, fifty years in the past.

Trying to undo several decades of conditioning and figure out who we might have been without it... that's a long hard journey. It's a lot of work and it comes with a lot of grief over thinking about things that could've been. I've known I was autistic for something like fifteen years now, and I still find myself having to think back to decades-old interactions and reevaluate them in that lens of "what if not everything was your fault for being Weird?"

And even then, "just being you" will get you in trouble a lot of the time. When I'm talking to a stranger, I still have to worry about whether they're going to judge me by the things I say or by whether I'm making the right amount of eye contact. If I actually say I'm autistic, so many people will instantly make assumptions about what I can and can't do, based on some stereotype or on the one autistic person they know or on a movie where a non-autistic actor played a non-autistic writer's idea of an autistic person. (Or worse; some people believe truly awful things about autism.)

I do some workplace mentoring, both of autistic employees and of people who manage them. One of the things that comes up a lot is that somebody will tell their boss "I'm autistic", and the boss will say "okay, just let me know what you need", and the autistic person won't be able to answer that question because it's the first time any manager has asked them sincerely and meant it. Even when they do know what they need, they're often reluctant to ask for even the tiniest things because they've learned that asking for their own needs to be met is bad.

Having that label gives some reassurance that maybe there is something to be gained by putting in all that work, and that we won't be alone on that journey.