HotBrand
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2019
- Posts
- 3,882
The backstory. JohnnyValentine is your Messiah. He is your Alpha (or maybe a ... Gamma?) He is definitely your Omega. He is looking for his one, his only, his beloved, his soul-mate. He won't find it - so he's looking for the below in the meantime.
Maybe that person is me. Maybe it's you. You won't find out until you read, will you?
Anything amended or further described is in red. I want you to see how flawed I am in comparison to JohnnyValentine with my humble edits.
For now, the original is here: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1515270. I'm a cheap imitation and you should settle for nothing but the best, damn it. You're so L'Oréal worth it!
Naturally, this is all satire. Be nice!
This is your Entertainment Director speaking.
Yes, I AM your Entertainment Director. If you seek a male with a great sense of humour, who is witty and who is eager to supply you with a much needed daily allotment of nonsensical laughter (women on this site, who rate the highest quality a man could have to gain their attention is the ability to make them laugh, only do so because they are deficient in their own competence to fart humour), I suggest you move nowhere. I feel complete despair in the knowledge that the ratio of males to females here are heavily in favour of females and subsequently, you will have no difficulty in sitting back and receiving hundreds of private messages from needy males seeking your supreme sexual boobs.
However, in the shameful interest of authoritarianism, I will ALWAYS tell you how to compose your advertisements, ALWAYS impose my arrogant opinions on your threads, and ALWAYS abuse your tendencies and kinks, in return for the same consideration.
I am not a middle-aged male, and not an academic, seeking Republicans with an intense need for filthy, dirty talk (the more vulgar, smutty and foul-mouthed you talk, the more you will intimidate me), severe masturbation (play with yourself until your clit falls off and your penis turns blue), roughly rub your tits with nettles and vines, your cunt against ANYTHING available as if it's a sexual game of "The Floor is Lava", insert a variety of large and unusual objects in your cunt (like a watermelon or a harp), watching pornography (of big tits, cunts, cocks, and even more extreme tits, while masturbating and agreeing with my opinion on them), demeaning name calling (like short ass and baldy) and performing taboos (like talking to me).
Specifically, looking for people who are over the idea of ever finding happiness (no upper age limit), married, and cheating on their spouse (because my ego can definitely take the idea of you already cheating ... WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME MOST?!), who project a public image of a prim, proper and well-mannered high-class whore and who have enormous, long low-hanging saggy tits (bonus if your tits hang below your stomach - I genuinely don't need to edit this description), long, plump nipples like and a huge, loose, meaty, hairy cunt (oversized and very hairy like a REAL woman, not bald like a baby) with fleshy dangling lips and a fat elongated clitoris.
Again, sometimes, a piece of art does not need any real editing or amendment. That's like ... all him.
You are a narcissistic exhibitionist who gets-off by looking at your low-hanging saggy tits and large roomy cunt (it has to be so roomy that, if I shout in it, I can get an echo), playing with them, talking dirty about them to my only friend, which is an alpaca at the zoo, licking all over your tits (leaving snail trails of saliva because that's fucking hot, man), sucking-off your nipples (in the new and obscene version of the childhood game "Got your nose!") and being watched as masturbating and degrading yourself (because you're apparently not degraded enough by talking to me).
You enjoy showing your huge tits and extra-sized Big Mac scaledcunt to spying neighbours, strangers, and friends, and playing with yourself in their sight for the aim of getting them so horny, they have to masturbate, which intensely increases your excitement. I mean, just turn your damn life into a wank fest. Wanks for all. You can stop wanking when you're dead.
Bonus if you have an upper-class accent (posh English tone - sorry, commoners) or a Southern accent (United States southern drawl sorry, carpetbaggers).
Play required on Skype for real-time cybersex because I need to see you masturbate while simultaneously showing me your fat cunt open and typing to me incessantly. Did I mention you must have three arms and ... four asses? Pretty sure I did.
Above requirements are not strictly deal breakers - even though I'm so wildly fucking popular, out of magnanimity, I'll MAYBE stoop for you. Single women with the above physical characteristics, and married or single women without body type detailed, are also welcome if open-minded, open-legged, filthy, depraved, and perverted. Just have a cunt with flaps so long and wide that you could fly in the evening sky like Dumbo the elephant, but with a lot more hair. Maybe like a stretchy Furbee. Yeah, have a cunt like:
Yes, it should have a fucking beak!
If this post speaks to your utter insanity, send a private message with Skype name, age range, marital status, and detailed physical description. Short messages without this information, or using text speak and abbreviations will be ignored, k? Do u understand? Proper speak, FTW. U don't want FOMO with me, cuntlips. Full sentences with correct spelling, proper grammar, and punctuation are essential.
I seem to be saying this forever, because Latin is for dicks: This is a private advertisement on a public forum, not an ongoing public thread, which it actually is, for male and female and non-binary HEROES AND PATRIOTS with nothing better to do with their time than posting articulate and accurate comments which are appreciated. Please show intelligence and respect by POSTING IN THIS ADVERTISEMENT as they will interfere with the continuity of my rocking bumps/posts that follow.
Genuine females (catfish me and I will eat your heart, dick-for-brains) wishing to contact me can ONLY do so by following instructions above as I will NOT respond to any posts placed here. That's right. You just done got told.
Running commentaries by two or three people in a short time-period are not only indications of unintelligence, immaturity, and disrespect, but also amount to harassment and/or hijacking which will be reported (because I'm just swimming in ... chasm deep pussy ... and don't have no time to accept I'm a bit of a dick.)
In fact, how DARE you post to me on a public forum, and talk about the content of which I have posted? HOW DARE YOU. I punched a toddler in testosterone filled rage! I accidentally used the wrong conjugation of a Latin verb. In public. The shame. You did this to me!
*ahem*
To male trolls (yeah, you): I should not have to point it out but do try to grasp the simple concept that this is my advertisement, not yours, and it is none of your business to read this on a public thread. If I were shouting this on the high street (which is what I'm essentially doing), you should get in your stupid man heads to just simply TEAR YOUR EARS OFF AND NOT LISTEN TO MY VOICE. Stop being boring, stupid, douche-bags, and think with your brains not your pathetic pricks (if your useless pricks had small brains, they would be desperately lonely - I can't edit this. Why would a small brained penis be desperately lonely? I mean ... answers on cards, please. I want to know.). If you have the necessary intellect, learn to compose your own fucking advertisements, instead of being fucking rude, and fucking leeches, attempting to take advantage of my original works.
To considerate females, I thank you for reading. (A kiss to build a masturbatory dream on because I just got you fucking wet, with your hairy cunt face and your saggy, weathervane tits. Seriously, your tits should be so long that I can use them for punch bags and, in a storm, they can pick up enough wind to swing wildly and knock a hole through a wall. They should drag on the floor, and leave trails in the sand, when you walk. They should be able to act as sandbags in a flood, and trip over people who walk while texting on their cell phones. Multi-purpose stretchy tits, damn it.
TLDR. I'm not funny. I'm sexy as fuck. Obey my insane rules. Men: die. Just die with your lonely pricks with small brains. Women: if you don't meet the above, you can go die too, with your real-life breasts and your abbreviations. Just ... everyone fuck off and leave me alone with my private rants on a public forum. JohnnyValentine has SPOKEN.
My final note:
Thank you, thank you. Of course, I couldn't make a humble, satirical hackjob of this post without the following:
JohnnyValentine. I'm sure he's a good guy deep down. Really deep down. Like, as deep as your vagina. PM him. Find out what a great guy he is. Lit would be a far worse place without him. He's the modern day hero. He's the bodybuilder of sex. He's the man.
To those wonderful people who also saw how fun these posts of JohnnyValentine were. This was not a one-man mission, by any means, and it's only been through months of careful comments and engagement that JohnnyValentine has been reduced to insulting everyone on Lit for reading his private-public madness.
You. I want to thank you for reading this. It's been a long effort - and the toll on my psyche is apparent. Seriously. Reading every word with a fine tooth comb has been a drain. Is that how you Lit authors feel when you edit your own writings? You're all mad.
Thank you everyone. Comments and PMs welcome. After all, I'm here to improve my writing and I want to hear from everyone who failed to impress JohnnyValentine on the forums.
Inevitably, that will be you.
Maybe that person is me. Maybe it's you. You won't find out until you read, will you?
Anything amended or further described is in red. I want you to see how flawed I am in comparison to JohnnyValentine with my humble edits.
For now, the original is here: http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=1515270. I'm a cheap imitation and you should settle for nothing but the best, damn it. You're so L'Oréal worth it!
Naturally, this is all satire. Be nice!
This is your Entertainment Director speaking.
Yes, I AM your Entertainment Director. If you seek a male with a great sense of humour, who is witty and who is eager to supply you with a much needed daily allotment of nonsensical laughter (women on this site, who rate the highest quality a man could have to gain their attention is the ability to make them laugh, only do so because they are deficient in their own competence to fart humour), I suggest you move nowhere. I feel complete despair in the knowledge that the ratio of males to females here are heavily in favour of females and subsequently, you will have no difficulty in sitting back and receiving hundreds of private messages from needy males seeking your supreme sexual boobs.
However, in the shameful interest of authoritarianism, I will ALWAYS tell you how to compose your advertisements, ALWAYS impose my arrogant opinions on your threads, and ALWAYS abuse your tendencies and kinks, in return for the same consideration.
I am not a middle-aged male, and not an academic, seeking Republicans with an intense need for filthy, dirty talk (the more vulgar, smutty and foul-mouthed you talk, the more you will intimidate me), severe masturbation (play with yourself until your clit falls off and your penis turns blue), roughly rub your tits with nettles and vines, your cunt against ANYTHING available as if it's a sexual game of "The Floor is Lava", insert a variety of large and unusual objects in your cunt (like a watermelon or a harp), watching pornography (of big tits, cunts, cocks, and even more extreme tits, while masturbating and agreeing with my opinion on them), demeaning name calling (like short ass and baldy) and performing taboos (like talking to me).
Specifically, looking for people who are over the idea of ever finding happiness (no upper age limit), married, and cheating on their spouse (because my ego can definitely take the idea of you already cheating ... WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME MOST?!), who project a public image of a prim, proper and well-mannered high-class whore and who have enormous, long low-hanging saggy tits (bonus if your tits hang below your stomach - I genuinely don't need to edit this description), long, plump nipples like and a huge, loose, meaty, hairy cunt (oversized and very hairy like a REAL woman, not bald like a baby) with fleshy dangling lips and a fat elongated clitoris.
Again, sometimes, a piece of art does not need any real editing or amendment. That's like ... all him.
You are a narcissistic exhibitionist who gets-off by looking at your low-hanging saggy tits and large roomy cunt (it has to be so roomy that, if I shout in it, I can get an echo), playing with them, talking dirty about them to my only friend, which is an alpaca at the zoo, licking all over your tits (leaving snail trails of saliva because that's fucking hot, man), sucking-off your nipples (in the new and obscene version of the childhood game "Got your nose!") and being watched as masturbating and degrading yourself (because you're apparently not degraded enough by talking to me).
You enjoy showing your huge tits and extra-sized Big Mac scaledcunt to spying neighbours, strangers, and friends, and playing with yourself in their sight for the aim of getting them so horny, they have to masturbate, which intensely increases your excitement. I mean, just turn your damn life into a wank fest. Wanks for all. You can stop wanking when you're dead.
Bonus if you have an upper-class accent (posh English tone - sorry, commoners) or a Southern accent (United States southern drawl sorry, carpetbaggers).
Play required on Skype for real-time cybersex because I need to see you masturbate while simultaneously showing me your fat cunt open and typing to me incessantly. Did I mention you must have three arms and ... four asses? Pretty sure I did.
Above requirements are not strictly deal breakers - even though I'm so wildly fucking popular, out of magnanimity, I'll MAYBE stoop for you. Single women with the above physical characteristics, and married or single women without body type detailed, are also welcome if open-minded, open-legged, filthy, depraved, and perverted. Just have a cunt with flaps so long and wide that you could fly in the evening sky like Dumbo the elephant, but with a lot more hair. Maybe like a stretchy Furbee. Yeah, have a cunt like:
Yes, it should have a fucking beak!
If this post speaks to your utter insanity, send a private message with Skype name, age range, marital status, and detailed physical description. Short messages without this information, or using text speak and abbreviations will be ignored, k? Do u understand? Proper speak, FTW. U don't want FOMO with me, cuntlips. Full sentences with correct spelling, proper grammar, and punctuation are essential.
I seem to be saying this forever, because Latin is for dicks: This is a private advertisement on a public forum, not an ongoing public thread, which it actually is, for male and female and non-binary HEROES AND PATRIOTS with nothing better to do with their time than posting articulate and accurate comments which are appreciated. Please show intelligence and respect by POSTING IN THIS ADVERTISEMENT as they will interfere with the continuity of my rocking bumps/posts that follow.
Genuine females (catfish me and I will eat your heart, dick-for-brains) wishing to contact me can ONLY do so by following instructions above as I will NOT respond to any posts placed here. That's right. You just done got told.
Running commentaries by two or three people in a short time-period are not only indications of unintelligence, immaturity, and disrespect, but also amount to harassment and/or hijacking which will be reported (because I'm just swimming in ... chasm deep pussy ... and don't have no time to accept I'm a bit of a dick.)
In fact, how DARE you post to me on a public forum, and talk about the content of which I have posted? HOW DARE YOU. I punched a toddler in testosterone filled rage! I accidentally used the wrong conjugation of a Latin verb. In public. The shame. You did this to me!
*ahem*
To male trolls (yeah, you): I should not have to point it out but do try to grasp the simple concept that this is my advertisement, not yours, and it is none of your business to read this on a public thread. If I were shouting this on the high street (which is what I'm essentially doing), you should get in your stupid man heads to just simply TEAR YOUR EARS OFF AND NOT LISTEN TO MY VOICE. Stop being boring, stupid, douche-bags, and think with your brains not your pathetic pricks (if your useless pricks had small brains, they would be desperately lonely - I can't edit this. Why would a small brained penis be desperately lonely? I mean ... answers on cards, please. I want to know.). If you have the necessary intellect, learn to compose your own fucking advertisements, instead of being fucking rude, and fucking leeches, attempting to take advantage of my original works.
To considerate females, I thank you for reading. (A kiss to build a masturbatory dream on because I just got you fucking wet, with your hairy cunt face and your saggy, weathervane tits. Seriously, your tits should be so long that I can use them for punch bags and, in a storm, they can pick up enough wind to swing wildly and knock a hole through a wall. They should drag on the floor, and leave trails in the sand, when you walk. They should be able to act as sandbags in a flood, and trip over people who walk while texting on their cell phones. Multi-purpose stretchy tits, damn it.
TLDR. I'm not funny. I'm sexy as fuck. Obey my insane rules. Men: die. Just die with your lonely pricks with small brains. Women: if you don't meet the above, you can go die too, with your real-life breasts and your abbreviations. Just ... everyone fuck off and leave me alone with my private rants on a public forum. JohnnyValentine has SPOKEN.
My final note:
Thank you, thank you. Of course, I couldn't make a humble, satirical hackjob of this post without the following:
JohnnyValentine. I'm sure he's a good guy deep down. Really deep down. Like, as deep as your vagina. PM him. Find out what a great guy he is. Lit would be a far worse place without him. He's the modern day hero. He's the bodybuilder of sex. He's the man.
To those wonderful people who also saw how fun these posts of JohnnyValentine were. This was not a one-man mission, by any means, and it's only been through months of careful comments and engagement that JohnnyValentine has been reduced to insulting everyone on Lit for reading his private-public madness.
You. I want to thank you for reading this. It's been a long effort - and the toll on my psyche is apparent. Seriously. Reading every word with a fine tooth comb has been a drain. Is that how you Lit authors feel when you edit your own writings? You're all mad.
Thank you everyone. Comments and PMs welcome. After all, I'm here to improve my writing and I want to hear from everyone who failed to impress JohnnyValentine on the forums.
Inevitably, that will be you.
