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❌Monthly Song Challenge: Archived🎵

 
 
Day 15: A song with a colour in the title

I am not suicidal. I just want that part as the lead --this isn't that story. I may have thought about it, but I think everyone does. If you never have, I envy you. But never seriously. Never. I may cop to being self-destructive at times, but that is a different set of goblins. My depression manifests differently.

My first year of college went to Hell rapidly. To everyone's surprise, mostly my own, I made the college football team as a walk on. They weren't very good then, and I was on the practice squad, but hell, I made it. Then, four weeks later, I got cut. It shouldn't have surprised me, but it hit harder than I thought it would. Right about the same time, my girlfriend, the first woman I loved, decided we should see other people. Found out later she had been already (see yesterday's song, heh.) I cratered hard. Stopped going to classes. Stopped...everything. Other things happened as well, and I left school. Had to pay back my loans as I was past withdrawal date. I had to sell my car to pay off some things. I ended up on my mother's couch.

My depression manifests in total lack of any energy or drive. All my energy goes into just doing the very basics, if I have enough for that. I stayed on the couch. I slept there. When I woke up, I just lay there, watching TV. I didn't have the energy to go into the garage where I set up a hammock. (My mom had donated my bed when I left for college.) All my friends were gone to college or the military. I had no support. My family just all thought I was terminally lazy. My sister, to this day, refers to it as my "lazy ass year." This was the late 80s. We didn't talk about mental illness. That was something for crazy people, and I wasn't crazy, I said to myself. I must have just been lazy. Worthless. Useless. No one wanted me. No one cared. And no one I knew understood. I was no longer me.

I tried to get out of it. Writing was always something I could do. I wrote a novel. I finished it. It was horrible. Utterly fucking terrible. Couldn't even do that. Failure. I sat on a beach and burned it page by page in a bonfire.

I wasn't going to kill myself. But fading into nothing? Yeah, I could do that. If this was life, I wanted nothing to do with it.

Someone very smart and wise once said they listened to music at this age like it was going to save their life, and maybe it did. I get that. I had heard this song when it came out, but hadn't paid a huge amount of attention to it. It was a ballad on a thrash metal album. Acoustic guitars! And about suicide. I wasn't suicidal, and I didn't care. And the rest of the album was just that good. But then I did. Holy fuck. "Growing darkness, taking dawn/I was me, but now he's gone."

"I was me, but now he's gone."

Somebody understood. Somebody could see the same thing. This was pre-Internet, no social support, you spoke to those you knew, and you didn't talk about this shit. But James, singing for the first time rather than growling, laid out this beautiful, raw, vulnerable song about him at his lowest. And I felt understood. (It was and is accused of being pro-suicide. It isn't pro or anti, it just explains how he felt). It didn't turn me around, but it was a step. An important step, that changed if not saved my life. I didn't get diagnosed as clinically depressed until my thirties. Some people in my life still see it as a crutch for being lazy. But I knew, then, that I wasn't alone, and that made all the difference.

Sorry this was long. It just kept coming. If you need to talk to someone, talk to someone. You aren't alone, and I love you all.

"Fade to Black," Metallica.

 
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