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Does Abuse Lead into Submission?

OK. I'll bite. I had a significantly abusive childhood. I feel pretty strongly that I've dealt with it. I had years of therapy and worked through the issues. Occasionally, something gets triggered and I have to work through it. That's just the nature of the beast. My self esteem these days is higher than it's ever been in my life.

I submit because I choose to submit. It's not a bid to earn kindness or because I think I can't get a man any other way. It's simply my choice and my comfort zone. I'm not attracted to or aroused by non-dominant men. I'm not aroused by purely vanilla sex. There has to be an element of power exchange in order for me to enjoy it. I prefer that my partner be at least a bit sadistic as well. I'm learning that I need a little pain in my life and that's ok with me.

Yes, there may well be a link there to my past. I won't deny that. However, I'm not re-enacting things. I'm not having flashbacks. I feel good about myself while I'm submitting. (I get a sense of peace and completion.) I feel good about myself afterwards as well.

I like who I am these days. I won't settle for less than I need in a relationship. I'm pretty comfortable telling a potential partner what I need and want. I'll walk away if they can't or won't meet my needs and many of my wants. I think that's all about having a good fit between us. I figure I deserve to be happy and I'm all about making sure that happens. For those who say: "it's all about the PYL", my response is that a happy sub has more to offer in a relationship than someone who is miserable. As my pal Eb, used to say, YMMV.
 
i was abused throughout childhood and do suffer from low self-esteem and severe depression, always have. but i have finally found contentment in slavery. no i have not been "healed", no i am not a person capable of taking care of themselves and leading an independent life. however i don't see those as negatives anymore. because i have found true value and meaning in being slave to my Master. still have my bad days and my REALLY bad days, where i fall deep into despair and the old demons haunt me and won't be silenced, but i am not alone, and i mean something to someone, which has made my life worth living.

i do not believe for a second that submission is born of abuse. however i think a naturally submissive female is extremely vulnerable to abuse. abusers are attracted to the weak and submissive, that is just a reality of life. i am sure my childhood abuser chose me and used me for so long because i was so "safe". he knew i would never tell, and that i would never fight back. i just took it.
 
ownedsubgal said:
i do not believe for a second that submission is born of abuse. however i think a naturally submissive female is extremely vulnerable to abuse.
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very, very true!

as a switch i'm slightly different in that there are men who i don't feel like i can fight against but most men i will.
there are times i have put a man in hospital...there are times i have closed my eyes and let it happen with barely any struggle at all.


my childhood wasn't that bad but i've had some, erm, interesting things happen to me. i had sub instincts towards certain types of men before but these things have certainly strengthened those instincts.
i don't think i really have self estem issues...oh i have issues but i'm actually kinda happy with who i am to the point of arrogant sometimes. i'm very aware of my problems and my limits and i work around them rather than kicking myself for them.

i don't want a partner for approval...i want the right person to complete my family, give me love and stability. i'll choose to be alone rather than with someone who isn't right for me.
xx
 
I don't know if this helps or not, but I was abused as a child too. I agree with osg that submissive children are probalby more likely to be abused, but in my case that had nothing to do with it. I would probably have been abused more if I'd been less submissive. (My mom is bi polar, and has anger issues.)

I don't think, though, that the abuse made me submissive. My daughter is very much like I was - at least htats what my mom says, and she's very submissive herself. But I do think that that's why I'm a masochist. I think that somewhere in my brain I equate pain with love.

Also, I don't really have a self esteem issue. But that's because I"ve learned to accept who I am and what happened to me. I have days where it's harder to accept, and some things can trigger those feelings, but that's rarely an issue.
 
I am in a loving D/s relationship, and class myself as a submissive. I believe it was always there. I was quiet and shy as a child, bullied at school and even though I did well academically and at sport (athletics) I had very poor self esteem. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage for over 20 years. It took me that long to get up the courage to get out.

My story is in the second thread Tigerclaw listed, which was actually started by Master. That, and the Aussies thread on The Playground, was where we began first our friendship and then our relationship. He introduced me to the concept of Master/sub, something I had always fantasised about but didn't have a name for - things like being tied up, blindfolded, helpless and under someone else's control. Even as a very young child I got what I now recognise as sexual stirrings whenever I thought of it.

I think my submissive nature and poor self image led to me being abused in that way. After I left my husband I did much reading and soul searching and rebuilding (or building, because I don't think I ever had any to begin with) my self esteem. I learned to stand up for myself, which has been a very hard thing to do. Even led me to dumping someone who was beginning to show the same abusive tendencies as the ex.

I learned that I deserve to be loved and happy, and I am now with Master. Serving Him brings me such joy. Yet I don't submit like that to anyone else. I am bi, but with my limited experiences (two as of right now) I am thinking I could be switchy with women. Still got a lot of learning and exploring to do yet! :cool:
 
I was not abused as a child. I was very submissive and often overlooked in a big family because i was quiet, did very well in school, and followed the rules of the house. Early teens was when i realized i was different...i would seek bad situations to get me into because the thrill i felt was what i was needing. I allowed others to use me because it felt good, i have been raped and beaten more then once. I've said this before but i will again. I wanted these things to happen i found ways to get myself in the wrong place at the wrong time. Wasn't til my 20s when i learned who/what i was and why i liked these things, and the most important thing....that other ppl understood and could let me have these things in a safe way.
 
TigerClaw said:
In dealing with my pain the last year I have noticed something from the women I have talked too. Many subs have an abusive past, mostly from childhood. I am finding low self esteem, just gives in as submission, the need to show submission in order to be liked, loved or appreciated.

Not me. I have never been abused by anyone nor have I ever suffered any type of trauma... sexual or otherwise.
I think there is no doubt in the people who know me that I do not suffer from low self esteem.

Many feel they can not be liked just by being themselves. The more extreme subs have to earn kindness given to them and more often then not deserve whatever bad comes their way.

Again, not me.

In addition I have found women who say they don’t believe they can find a guy who will treat them well in every day life or in this lifestyle. At least in this lifestyle there are guidelines, safe words that should be followed.

Another self esteem issue that I do not suffer from.

I'm submissive because that is who I am, not because of any past experiences. I have no "luggage" that I am carrying around. This is likely not the kind of answer you were looking for and perhaps I should not have even posted.
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ownedsubgal said:

i do not believe for a second that submission is born of abuse. however i think a naturally submissive female is extremely vulnerable to abuse. abusers are attracted to the weak and submissive, that is just a reality of life. i am sure my childhood abuser chose me and used me for so long because i was so "safe". he knew i would never tell, and that i would never fight back. i just took it.
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I would say the same, with one caveat. It's not just submissive women that are perceived as easy targets. I've seen a few seriously fucked up male subs, who were also abuse survivors.

Now then, I do know a young lady who's had a submissive personality all her life but was not abused until her last relationship. I could see that her subbie-ness (for lack of a better term) made it harder for her to leave. (He was not a Dom, just an asshole who got progressively nastier and nastier when he realized it was hard for her to fight back. Boy howdy, when she did though!)
 
Of me, and 5 sm/contacts lovers of varying degrees of intimacy, only one would come from what I would call a highly dysfunctional, *traumatic* kind of childhood. He's the oldest male. I would describe him as profoundly submissive in temprement, and likely to seek an abusive relationship in lieu of a healthy female-dominant one at bad times in his life.


The rest of us have varying degrees of dysfunction in our pasts, mine is up there, and I was sporadically abused physically. I'm not submissive.
 
Re: Re: Re: Does Abuse Lead into Submission?

TigerClaw said:
I think the comment above that submissive women are more likely to be abused is a valid statement. Which then also brings up where were the parents or relatives to stop such abuse?
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TigerClaw, unfortunately in the real world, parents and family are not with their children 24/7. nor can they protect them from all the dangers in the world. and also a sad reality is that most people who were abused as children were abused by family members. so who is there to turn to then? in my case it was an uncle who was also a next door neighbor...if i had told my Father about it, i'm sure he would have put an end to the abuse and probably also to my uncle's life. but i never could have dreamed of doing such a thing...you feel shame, you feel guilt, you feel dirty. so you don't tell.
 
And sometimes the family members ARE the bad guys. I wasn't thinking in terms of emotionally bad relationships, but if you want to look at it that way, consider the bisexual switch that was tossed out on her ear at the ripe old age of almost 16 cause her parents couldn't deal with her sexuality. I suppose that would be considered abusive to some, and I turned out as a mostly Dominant switch. There is very little submission when I bottom though. I'm not saying getting evicted by dear ole dad wasn't traumatic; I'm saying there wasn't a long term pattern of abuse, just long term emotional distance/alienation and then a great schism.
 
TigerClaw, I have read this thread and the other two you mentioned (well, still working on the big one) with interest.

I have an extremely close friend I have known and kept in touch with since high school.

Before, I often wondered why she hooked up with the "bad boys" and found herself in bad situations and relationships. But since learning about and exploring my own dominant nature, I have come to the conclusion that she is and has always been submissive in nature.

Luckily, she knows that, as always, I am the one she can trust to always be there, and now, I have some resources to help guide my support for her.

Thank you.
 
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