PrincessErin
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Story Discussion - March 11th, 2009 - Garnet Chapter 2
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Verdad
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Hi, Erin,
You've got a lovely premise for a romance here, with a lot of nice potential for tension and complications. The execution—well, we are here to be picky about the execution, so I'll do my best to explain what and why bothered me.
I'll start with the heroine's name and say that Garnet raised a little flag of warning for me. A name alone won't put a reader off the story, yet the unusual and let's say, precious, names can sometimes be a strike against, so I thought it might be worth mentioning it for consideration.
That first little hump was safely left behind, though, as the opening paras engaged me well enough to want to read. You introduced us to Garnet as she stands in front of an unknown house, and I got curious about who she was, how she ended up there, and what her story was. The purple prose I was afraid would come with her name didn't appear, so I relaxed. That was well done.
Once the door of the house opened, though, you nearly lost me. I expected another little attention-grabber, something to channel my curiosity and draw me deeper into the story, but instead, the talk about the snow seemed haphazard and brought the story to a halt before it had properly begun. If it was meant to further the plot somehow—that is, if there was some significance in these details and not some other appearing as Garnet's first impressions—I wasn't able to figure it out.
On the way to the next hump, I noticed some mechanical errors, e.g. a typo plus homonym in "large then life", or clumsy/incorrect sentence structures such as "She did need to take care of her body, for no other reason then she didn't want to be at fault if there were any issues with the babies." Since similar errors kept occurring throughout the story, you'd probably do well to have another pair of eyes check your writings out.
Then came the first switch in point of view and with it one of the two serious problems of the story.
The first switch, from Garnet to Denise, didn't strike me as fatal, nor did the second, from Denise to Sean, nor even the third, from Sean back to Denise. As far as these go, I wasn't too happy to see so much hopping around in such a short piece, but I was to suggest you separate the different characters' sections with ellipses and appropriate transitions, and the problem would be solved. The micro-switches within these, comprising a single sentence or a few words, should be easily edited out as well.
However, in the dinner scene the switches got so chaotic as to make the scene unreadable. You had four characters at the dinner and you switched the perspective among them from one sentence to the next, leaving the reader at a loss as to who was saying/doing/thinking what. It's an issue to which you need to give some thought, because this degree of laxness makes the POV switches more than just an inelegant technique that annoys the editors. It makes the switches so distracting as to discourage even the most forgiving of readers. After that scene, I basically skimmed a bit further, then gave up.
I noticed another little mechanical problem, though, which worsened the effect of the switching but should be easy enough to address. It involved pronouns. Rules of writing are few, but generally, it is a good idea to use a character's name (and not the pronoun) every time there's a possibility of confusion—e.g. every time a mention of a character is immediately succeeded by a mention of another character of the same sex. This is fairly easy to keep in mind, so I hope it helps.
The other serious problem of the story was the non-sequiturs. Maybe on the examples it will become clearer what I mean:
When Sean went to work out in the gym, I was surprised to hear he's "taken his anger out on his sister," as I've seen no sign of his doing anything like that in the exchange he'd just had with Denise. Even more surprising was the rationale for his anger, for I couldn't see why anyone would get bent out of shape because of someone they'd known for approximately thirty seconds. It is clear to me what you intended to communicate, but minimal plausibility and motivation haven't come through. Sean's strong emotions appeared entirely from out of the left field.
Ditto and double ditto the sex scene. Sean's sudden and unprovoked erection made me blink. I had to scroll back up to see if I hadn't missed something, and when I assured myself I didn't, Garnet's orgasm, occurring a few para's later, startled me into checking again. And the problem was not just that their actions appeared unmotivated and unlikely. Even if I had been willing to believe that these two strangers threw themselves at each other with barely a thought, the action itself unfolded in giant leaps, which made difficult even the basic following of what goes where.
In short, the piece felt a bit rushed to me. I hope I wasn't too hard, though, as I think you have a promising idea, potentially likeable characters, and a first draft, which, however, needs some filling in in order to work as well as it should. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Best of luck,
Verdad
You've got a lovely premise for a romance here, with a lot of nice potential for tension and complications. The execution—well, we are here to be picky about the execution, so I'll do my best to explain what and why bothered me.
I'll start with the heroine's name and say that Garnet raised a little flag of warning for me. A name alone won't put a reader off the story, yet the unusual and let's say, precious, names can sometimes be a strike against, so I thought it might be worth mentioning it for consideration.
That first little hump was safely left behind, though, as the opening paras engaged me well enough to want to read. You introduced us to Garnet as she stands in front of an unknown house, and I got curious about who she was, how she ended up there, and what her story was. The purple prose I was afraid would come with her name didn't appear, so I relaxed. That was well done.
Once the door of the house opened, though, you nearly lost me. I expected another little attention-grabber, something to channel my curiosity and draw me deeper into the story, but instead, the talk about the snow seemed haphazard and brought the story to a halt before it had properly begun. If it was meant to further the plot somehow—that is, if there was some significance in these details and not some other appearing as Garnet's first impressions—I wasn't able to figure it out.
On the way to the next hump, I noticed some mechanical errors, e.g. a typo plus homonym in "large then life", or clumsy/incorrect sentence structures such as "She did need to take care of her body, for no other reason then she didn't want to be at fault if there were any issues with the babies." Since similar errors kept occurring throughout the story, you'd probably do well to have another pair of eyes check your writings out.
Then came the first switch in point of view and with it one of the two serious problems of the story.
The first switch, from Garnet to Denise, didn't strike me as fatal, nor did the second, from Denise to Sean, nor even the third, from Sean back to Denise. As far as these go, I wasn't too happy to see so much hopping around in such a short piece, but I was to suggest you separate the different characters' sections with ellipses and appropriate transitions, and the problem would be solved. The micro-switches within these, comprising a single sentence or a few words, should be easily edited out as well.
However, in the dinner scene the switches got so chaotic as to make the scene unreadable. You had four characters at the dinner and you switched the perspective among them from one sentence to the next, leaving the reader at a loss as to who was saying/doing/thinking what. It's an issue to which you need to give some thought, because this degree of laxness makes the POV switches more than just an inelegant technique that annoys the editors. It makes the switches so distracting as to discourage even the most forgiving of readers. After that scene, I basically skimmed a bit further, then gave up.
I noticed another little mechanical problem, though, which worsened the effect of the switching but should be easy enough to address. It involved pronouns. Rules of writing are few, but generally, it is a good idea to use a character's name (and not the pronoun) every time there's a possibility of confusion—e.g. every time a mention of a character is immediately succeeded by a mention of another character of the same sex. This is fairly easy to keep in mind, so I hope it helps.
The other serious problem of the story was the non-sequiturs. Maybe on the examples it will become clearer what I mean:
When Sean went to work out in the gym, I was surprised to hear he's "taken his anger out on his sister," as I've seen no sign of his doing anything like that in the exchange he'd just had with Denise. Even more surprising was the rationale for his anger, for I couldn't see why anyone would get bent out of shape because of someone they'd known for approximately thirty seconds. It is clear to me what you intended to communicate, but minimal plausibility and motivation haven't come through. Sean's strong emotions appeared entirely from out of the left field.
Ditto and double ditto the sex scene. Sean's sudden and unprovoked erection made me blink. I had to scroll back up to see if I hadn't missed something, and when I assured myself I didn't, Garnet's orgasm, occurring a few para's later, startled me into checking again. And the problem was not just that their actions appeared unmotivated and unlikely. Even if I had been willing to believe that these two strangers threw themselves at each other with barely a thought, the action itself unfolded in giant leaps, which made difficult even the basic following of what goes where.
In short, the piece felt a bit rushed to me. I hope I wasn't too hard, though, as I think you have a promising idea, potentially likeable characters, and a first draft, which, however, needs some filling in in order to work as well as it should. Thank you for sharing it with us!
Best of luck,
Verdad
PrincessErin
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D
DeeZire
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I think it's important, at the beginning of a piece, to lure the reader with tight writing. After the story gets moving, the eloquence of the prose isn't as important because the action or tension or whatever takes over. Looking at the beginning in this light:
Not having read Chapter One, I had no idea there was snow everywhere. I was expecting a car crash when the car skidded down the driveway. Perhaps sticking some snow on the roof of the mansion would solve that problem.
Perhaps splitting that into two sentences would make it less jarring. As it is now, it seems as though the door opens by magic, revealing a woman standing there smiling like an apparition. I know it's a silly quibble, but it just didn't feel right.
Three "ins" in a row - "come in", "step in", and "dragged in". As a songwriter, we're not allowed to do that kind of thing. It's probably not that big of a deal in writing prose, but it bothered me. Dragging in a pile of snow was also strange. Clumps of snow on the carpet would have been more interesting. Using "immaculate looking front entranceway" wasted a great opportunity for a visual - like "black and white tiled foyer" or "polished oak floor" or whatever. Painting a picture for the reader is much more compelling than a generic explanation.
Again, I apologize for my anal-ness. I'm coming from a songwriter's perspective where every word counts. Even so, in the world of prose, making every word count could be the difference between hooking the reader or sending the reader elsewhere.
Thanks for putting up your story. I will now slink away, feeling guilty for being petty and mean.
Not having read Chapter One, I had no idea there was snow everywhere. I was expecting a car crash when the car skidded down the driveway. Perhaps sticking some snow on the roof of the mansion would solve that problem.
Perhaps splitting that into two sentences would make it less jarring. As it is now, it seems as though the door opens by magic, revealing a woman standing there smiling like an apparition. I know it's a silly quibble, but it just didn't feel right.
Three "ins" in a row - "come in", "step in", and "dragged in". As a songwriter, we're not allowed to do that kind of thing. It's probably not that big of a deal in writing prose, but it bothered me. Dragging in a pile of snow was also strange. Clumps of snow on the carpet would have been more interesting. Using "immaculate looking front entranceway" wasted a great opportunity for a visual - like "black and white tiled foyer" or "polished oak floor" or whatever. Painting a picture for the reader is much more compelling than a generic explanation.
Again, I apologize for my anal-ness. I'm coming from a songwriter's perspective where every word counts. Even so, in the world of prose, making every word count could be the difference between hooking the reader or sending the reader elsewhere.
Thanks for putting up your story. I will now slink away, feeling guilty for being petty and mean.
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PrincessErin
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christabelll
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Ease up on yourself....
I agree with most of the comments - and mainly its getting a good editor - I feel anyway - that will help you straighten out the minor problems.
There were more than a few typos and tense problems- but easily corrected.
The switching of POV was distracting - but again something that can be fixed.
I will come back later (kids are here so not -today-) and give you more comments - with specific examples.... later
You're a decent writer - just need to get ya' honed up.
I agree with most of the comments - and mainly its getting a good editor - I feel anyway - that will help you straighten out the minor problems.
There were more than a few typos and tense problems- but easily corrected.
The switching of POV was distracting - but again something that can be fixed.
I will come back later (kids are here so not -today-) and give you more comments - with specific examples.... later
You're a decent writer - just need to get ya' honed up.
Keroin
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I have to be honest, I didn’t read very far before I started to skim and then gave up. The number of basic mistakes pulled me out of the story far too often and I found much of the prose awkward. (Fiction is no different than song writing; every word matters).
Now, don't get down on yourself, every writer has to start somewhere but I think you need to concentrate on the basics and get those tidied up.
There were a number of places where you used “then” instead of “than”. Also, sentences such as:
“Garnet wasn't pay attention but if she were, she would have seen a slight grin on Denise's face.”
“We never use this room and I seriously think it's waste.”
“A tall man who seemed much large then life immediately greeted her.”
These mistakes were all in the first 750 words. Find someone with a good eye to copy edit your work before you submit it and also start editing your work with a more critical eye for spelling, grammar and punctuation. You’ll be glad you did. I will give up on the best story if there are too many mistakes like these.
I also disliked the name Garnet. I’m not sure why so many people try to give their characters unusual names. I’d rather read a compelling story about a guy named Joe than a mediocre story about Mr. Poopalitkis.
Your prose is also heavy with adjectives and adverbs. Once again, you need more showing and less telling.
Here’s one example:
“She thought to herself how horrible and ugly she looked.”
First, show us she’s self conscious. Maybe she tries to straighten her clothing out or fix her ponytail or something. Give me an action to show me this girl has some esteem issues. Also, if she’s thinking, you don’t need to say she was thinking “to herself”, that’s a given.
Keep at it and thanks for sharing your story with us.
Now, don't get down on yourself, every writer has to start somewhere but I think you need to concentrate on the basics and get those tidied up.
There were a number of places where you used “then” instead of “than”. Also, sentences such as:
“Garnet wasn't pay attention but if she were, she would have seen a slight grin on Denise's face.”
“We never use this room and I seriously think it's waste.”
“A tall man who seemed much large then life immediately greeted her.”
These mistakes were all in the first 750 words. Find someone with a good eye to copy edit your work before you submit it and also start editing your work with a more critical eye for spelling, grammar and punctuation. You’ll be glad you did. I will give up on the best story if there are too many mistakes like these.
I also disliked the name Garnet. I’m not sure why so many people try to give their characters unusual names. I’d rather read a compelling story about a guy named Joe than a mediocre story about Mr. Poopalitkis.
Your prose is also heavy with adjectives and adverbs. Once again, you need more showing and less telling.
Here’s one example:
“She thought to herself how horrible and ugly she looked.”
First, show us she’s self conscious. Maybe she tries to straighten her clothing out or fix her ponytail or something. Give me an action to show me this girl has some esteem issues. Also, if she’s thinking, you don’t need to say she was thinking “to herself”, that’s a given.
Keep at it and thanks for sharing your story with us.
PrincessErin
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Keroin
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You're welcome. By all means, seek another editor but don't become dependent on an editor. Learn to recognize and fix your own mistakes. You are ultimately responsible for your work.
Grammar and punctuation are weaknesses for me, so I always make sure my copy editor proofs everything I write. However, as time goes on, I need her less and less. My goal is not to need her at all but that's not likely to happen, LOL.
Your explanation for the character's name is fine but that wasn't my point. In an excellent story, a name like that will get absorbed but if the story is weak the name sticks out like a neon sign. At least it does for me. I automatically think of a cheap, Harlequin Romance novel and that turns me off. But then, that could just be personal preference. I'm sure there are lots of different opinions about names used in stories on this board.
_Lynn_
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I will admit to having a hard time finishing this one. The multitude of errors drew me away before the story had a chance.
Though I did read the other comments, it wasn't today, and I don't remember all of them. So I may be repeating things here.
Now that she was in front of a house that was real, she was scared to death.
The taxicab drove off and skidded down the circular driveway onto the private road. The house was one of ten on a sprawling cul-de-sac. Each home took up a large amount of space and Garnet was scared tremendously at what was inside the house.
Right away there's the repetition of telling us she's scared. I couldn't quite figure out how that information fit with the 'home taking up a large amount of space' to be in the same sentence. Or even why it was added to that paragraph.
"Don't be silly. You probably are drinking a lot of milk and although I know when you're pregnant you're not eating for two, or three in this case, but you still need to eat healthy."
I always thought you were eating for two when you were pregnant. That confused me. The sentence is awkward and incorrect as well.
Everyone either smiled or grinned in the beginning. In that setting, I would picture some nerves, a bit of tension, a frown maybe, even some awe at the beauty of the house. Yet I never felt that.
Denise made a list of clothing to buy. That's a bit presumptuous I'd think, without asking if she would accept them, or had any preferences for style/color/etc.
Sean stormed downstairs and started in on the treadmill. He was wearing black shorts and a t-shirt and soon a thin sweat covered his body. He had taken his anger out on his sister and shouldn't have.
You don't show us he'd done that to begin with. The continuity isn't there.
When you tell us something, it should have a place in the story. There were several references to the drive not being plowed. I never found where this had anything to do with the rest of the piece. They were just sentences filling the page to me.
A good editor would make a huge difference here. Not just in the punctuation errors either. If you enjoy writing, then keep at it.
ETA: The name makes me shudder, sorry. And my birthday is in January so I know the stone.
Though I did read the other comments, it wasn't today, and I don't remember all of them. So I may be repeating things here.
Now that she was in front of a house that was real, she was scared to death.
The taxicab drove off and skidded down the circular driveway onto the private road. The house was one of ten on a sprawling cul-de-sac. Each home took up a large amount of space and Garnet was scared tremendously at what was inside the house.
Right away there's the repetition of telling us she's scared. I couldn't quite figure out how that information fit with the 'home taking up a large amount of space' to be in the same sentence. Or even why it was added to that paragraph.
"Don't be silly. You probably are drinking a lot of milk and although I know when you're pregnant you're not eating for two, or three in this case, but you still need to eat healthy."
I always thought you were eating for two when you were pregnant. That confused me. The sentence is awkward and incorrect as well.
Everyone either smiled or grinned in the beginning. In that setting, I would picture some nerves, a bit of tension, a frown maybe, even some awe at the beauty of the house. Yet I never felt that.
Denise made a list of clothing to buy. That's a bit presumptuous I'd think, without asking if she would accept them, or had any preferences for style/color/etc.
Sean stormed downstairs and started in on the treadmill. He was wearing black shorts and a t-shirt and soon a thin sweat covered his body. He had taken his anger out on his sister and shouldn't have.
You don't show us he'd done that to begin with. The continuity isn't there.
When you tell us something, it should have a place in the story. There were several references to the drive not being plowed. I never found where this had anything to do with the rest of the piece. They were just sentences filling the page to me.
A good editor would make a huge difference here. Not just in the punctuation errors either. If you enjoy writing, then keep at it.
ETA: The name makes me shudder, sorry. And my birthday is in January so I know the stone.
PrincessErin
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_Lynn_
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Take the comments and learn from them. Improve with every piece you write.
With my first edit, I learned I was making a repetitive mistake in my writing. Each time from there, I vowed to remember one thing told to me and apply it to the next new story.
Having a piece here in the SDC isn't easy, but it's a positive experience if you grow from it.
As for your 'editor', well . . . I'd suggest looking for a new one Erin.
PrincessErin
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driphoney
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Hi,
I've never done this before and feel very inadequate in commenting on anyone's story, but someday I want to drag a chapter of my own out here, so I have to step up sometime!
Many of the issues you seem to have were covered very well, and by more qualified writers, so I thought I would try to address the questions/comments you were specifically asking -- I do this knowing full well that I have many of the same issues in my own writing!
Character Development.
I think you have a couple of great characters primed for movement. I'm jealous! Garnet comes into the story (I didn't read ch. 1) insecure and pregnant; her whole world is in turmoil. I don't think she needs to make a big shift in chapter 2 (what the hell do I know, I keep asking myself??!) but she can develop throughout the story from that girl we meet at the front of the intimidating house to a more confident young mother who finds she's stronger than she realized, who finds there is a path to a good future. I'm thinking this would almost occur naturally, her story will force change or there will be no story. I think this is more subtle than we see one Garnet at the beginning of chapter 2 and another at the end, it takes time.
Sean, too, needs to do some growth. Didn't you say he's 40? He's living off his sister, so maybe that needs to be further explained (forgive me if I missed something here,) he probably needs to deal a bit with the fact that he cares in a non-fatherly way for a girl young enough to be his daughter, there could be some inner turmoil and resolution. Or you could make a different twist from the normal romance: he could end up not really changing, other than his shallow care (even losers can care when it's easy, you know you've met them!) then in the end she learns she can't depend on him, but she can make it on her own. (And live to find another love in another story!
)Okay, that's probably not what you were wanting, but it's a first attempt for me!
Thanks for being willing to put your work out here.dh
PrincessErin
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Penelope Street
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Hi Erin,
What I think this story really lacks is focus. It’s not just the wavering perspective, but the inclusion of so many details, and even scenes, that don't appear meaningful to Garnet's tale.
For instance, the whole Caesarean thing is just weird, especially when Garnet is like, "Oh that, guess I didn't need one after all." So why is this potentially traumatic non-event even included?
Does it really matter that the drive isn't clear of snow? This is mentioned in the opening and again later, but I don't see that it matters whether or not the overpaid plowing crew has done its job. I expected Sean would have to shovel the walk and Garnet would ogle him during his manly endeavor- that could have been a nice little touch, but I never noticed that the lack of snow removal really changed anything or anyone beyond being a minor annoyance for Denise.
In between the lack of snow plowing and the non-Caesarean, there are entire scenes that I thought could have been removed. I never knew which detail was important and which extraneous. Perhaps if you trimmed the clutter, maybe the crucial portions of the story would become more apparent? You set up some interesting stress-filled situations, but then these tensions dissolve all too quickly and easily with no apparent repercussions. Is this what you meant by your characters not changing?
I really like the way you revealed Sean. Not that I like Sean- I think he's clearly a predator in denial- which makes it such a nice touch that he thinks he's some kind of noble protector instead. I had a hard time believing Denise didn't see the relationship between Garnet and Sean the same way I did.
Great little ending. I can so see Garnet running to see if he'll follow.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Take Care,
Penny
P.S.
What I think this story really lacks is focus. It’s not just the wavering perspective, but the inclusion of so many details, and even scenes, that don't appear meaningful to Garnet's tale.
For instance, the whole Caesarean thing is just weird, especially when Garnet is like, "Oh that, guess I didn't need one after all." So why is this potentially traumatic non-event even included?
Does it really matter that the drive isn't clear of snow? This is mentioned in the opening and again later, but I don't see that it matters whether or not the overpaid plowing crew has done its job. I expected Sean would have to shovel the walk and Garnet would ogle him during his manly endeavor- that could have been a nice little touch, but I never noticed that the lack of snow removal really changed anything or anyone beyond being a minor annoyance for Denise.
In between the lack of snow plowing and the non-Caesarean, there are entire scenes that I thought could have been removed. I never knew which detail was important and which extraneous. Perhaps if you trimmed the clutter, maybe the crucial portions of the story would become more apparent? You set up some interesting stress-filled situations, but then these tensions dissolve all too quickly and easily with no apparent repercussions. Is this what you meant by your characters not changing?
I really like the way you revealed Sean. Not that I like Sean- I think he's clearly a predator in denial- which makes it such a nice touch that he thinks he's some kind of noble protector instead. I had a hard time believing Denise didn't see the relationship between Garnet and Sean the same way I did.
Great little ending. I can so see Garnet running to see if he'll follow.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Take Care,
Penny
P.S.
I like this idea!driphoney said:
I hope your experience here didn't diminish your enthusiasm for writing?Erin's bio said:
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Tarakin
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First of all, I'd like to urge you on to write a bit more. There's potential in what you are writing, and the ending was very nice. Yes, there are some things to change, but far from everything. You wrote that you didn't learn from your last mistakes, but that takes time. Everyone wishes to avoid mistakes at all, or at least repeating them, but few succeed in this. The comments others wrote here will help you improve, even if it seems to be a lot to do at first sight. Go along it post by post, check your story and the upcoming part for the things that were critizised and then try to correct mistakes or include suggestions into your work. Take a new editor to help you along, the old one missed too much.
Like others have said, stay in one head and one head only. Either it's Garnet's POV or Sean's or Denise's. You may change with every chapter you write, but inside a chapter stay put. You can give us a feeling about the other characters by describing how they react. This second chapter I'd write out of Sean's POV so the good ending stays in place. What does he see? He could be there when Garnet arrives, and can describe her through his eyes. Does she look vulnerable, so the protector in him awakes? Does she have big eyes while watching the floor, so he may conclude she was raised in a poor neighborhood? Does she make excuses about the snow she's bringing onto the floor and what does this tell him? Does he roll his eyes for hearing the plow-complaints of Denise for the hundreth time? And speaking of POVs, an almighty author is frowned on by some readers also, so lines like this won't be universally loved:
It is always a dream to have a perfect snowfall for Christmas morning. In the small town outside of Burlington, Vermont, the perfect snowfall happened at the perfect time. There was a thick blanket of white snow that covered the house roofs, the cars and the roads. It was the perfect scene.
Aside from two times 'perfect' change this to someone's perspective, Sean may think this while looking out, Denise may say it, whatever. Its the same with the following line from the pool-scene:
He (...) had just the right amount of chest hair.
Is this the author speaking? Garnet thinking? Or even Sean? Garnet may be so deep in love that any amount of Sean's chest hair would be perfect in her eyes, but Sean thinking the same thing would be seen as arrogant maybe. A continuous POV would make this matter clear, right now the reader is guessing and thus maybe getting the wrong picture.
You asked about character development, so I come for this. In a two-pages (even if Lit-pages are a very special size) story you don't need to 'develop' (I assume you mean 'change'?) your characters. Just keep their interactions on a consistent base. Take Denise for an example. First she's unknowing, then she's mad at Sean, next she says that Garnet could stay, and finally she is sad for Sean's hopes are spoiled. That change in behaviour is okay, but the reader needs some lines in between to follow that turn. Maybe her suspicions grows with a frown here, a shaking of her head to convince herself that her suspicions must be false there, whatever. Maybe Denise regrets scolding Sean after finding out, apologizes perhaps, something along those lines. But she won't have to change (or 'develop') completely.
Final thing: Remember what you told your reader before, and make this important. Others have talked about the plow and the cesarean before. I've noticed another thing, the birthday. Sean and Denise were born at Christmas eve (the 40- or 41-years-old-discussion), and your story plays around Christmas, but a birthday party, birthday wishes, birthday cake or whatever like this is never mentioned. Skip the unnecessary details, or work with them. Oh btw, I like the name of Garnet, even if I seem to be a minority. It's rooted in the tale with the gem-scene, and it gives a singularity to the story. Keep it!
As you can see, most of the little problems can be fixed easily, some other parts do need more work. But all in all I see a lot of potential. Please keep writing!
Like others have said, stay in one head and one head only. Either it's Garnet's POV or Sean's or Denise's. You may change with every chapter you write, but inside a chapter stay put. You can give us a feeling about the other characters by describing how they react. This second chapter I'd write out of Sean's POV so the good ending stays in place. What does he see? He could be there when Garnet arrives, and can describe her through his eyes. Does she look vulnerable, so the protector in him awakes? Does she have big eyes while watching the floor, so he may conclude she was raised in a poor neighborhood? Does she make excuses about the snow she's bringing onto the floor and what does this tell him? Does he roll his eyes for hearing the plow-complaints of Denise for the hundreth time? And speaking of POVs, an almighty author is frowned on by some readers also, so lines like this won't be universally loved:
It is always a dream to have a perfect snowfall for Christmas morning. In the small town outside of Burlington, Vermont, the perfect snowfall happened at the perfect time. There was a thick blanket of white snow that covered the house roofs, the cars and the roads. It was the perfect scene.
Aside from two times 'perfect' change this to someone's perspective, Sean may think this while looking out, Denise may say it, whatever. Its the same with the following line from the pool-scene:
He (...) had just the right amount of chest hair.
Is this the author speaking? Garnet thinking? Or even Sean? Garnet may be so deep in love that any amount of Sean's chest hair would be perfect in her eyes, but Sean thinking the same thing would be seen as arrogant maybe. A continuous POV would make this matter clear, right now the reader is guessing and thus maybe getting the wrong picture.
You asked about character development, so I come for this. In a two-pages (even if Lit-pages are a very special size) story you don't need to 'develop' (I assume you mean 'change'?) your characters. Just keep their interactions on a consistent base. Take Denise for an example. First she's unknowing, then she's mad at Sean, next she says that Garnet could stay, and finally she is sad for Sean's hopes are spoiled. That change in behaviour is okay, but the reader needs some lines in between to follow that turn. Maybe her suspicions grows with a frown here, a shaking of her head to convince herself that her suspicions must be false there, whatever. Maybe Denise regrets scolding Sean after finding out, apologizes perhaps, something along those lines. But she won't have to change (or 'develop') completely.
Final thing: Remember what you told your reader before, and make this important. Others have talked about the plow and the cesarean before. I've noticed another thing, the birthday. Sean and Denise were born at Christmas eve (the 40- or 41-years-old-discussion), and your story plays around Christmas, but a birthday party, birthday wishes, birthday cake or whatever like this is never mentioned. Skip the unnecessary details, or work with them. Oh btw, I like the name of Garnet, even if I seem to be a minority. It's rooted in the tale with the gem-scene, and it gives a singularity to the story. Keep it!
As you can see, most of the little problems can be fixed easily, some other parts do need more work. But all in all I see a lot of potential. Please keep writing!
PrincessErin
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Pure
Fiel a Verdad
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some notes
hi erin,
other posters have mentioned the mechanical issues including typos and grammar.
doc m started an excellent thread about two stages of writing.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=643177
you might check it. while you have some narrative skill and ability to get underway in the first stage, you need to pay attention to the second. judging by your prodigious output (hundreds of stories/chapters in a year), it appears such chapters are often written in a day or two, and my inference is that stage two is mostly missing, as it appears to be, here.
the genre question hasn't been addressed except in passing. the work appears to be romance, but with lots of hot passages salted in, perhaps aimed 1) at female romance readers who want to experience that heat, and 2) male readers who want to 'look in.'
the main problem is that garnet in ch 1 is fooled and exploited and is not shown as having any sexual pleasure. then in ch 2, a very few months later--maybe 4?-- she is well-along pregnant with twins and on her own in a strange environment. at that point, you invoke the common porn trope of the instantly responsive female. she's a very unlikely candidate, based on ch 1. in chapter 2, she has orgasm within a couple mins from making out, in the para begining Garnet was rubbing.... and later from intercourse, in the para beginning "Oh!" She screamed out.. and, if memory serves, the first encounter is virtually her first night at the place, or the first day she's met the fellow.
as well, at one point you say she wasn't interested in a relationship, and a few paras later, she is in love-- and so is he. in a word, the hot scenes have been subsumed (implausibly) into a romance line of development.
i'd say you have to make up your mind: romance with porn scenes doesn't quite work IMO. a bunch of porn scenes of a young woman in a single moms' home might 'work', or a story of her romance might work, but not at the same time!
lastly, the point penny mentioned is worth reiterating. she begins an affair with the 40 year old brother of the home's owner/director, and this director, denise, seems quite ok with it. g herself seems untroubled by the issue, and from sean, the fellow, we have only the most perfunctory and passing idea of 'this is wrong.'
again, as straight porn, she can boff whom she pleases and have a great old time. maybe do sean's son as well. and have denise applaud from the peanut gallery. as a romance narrative, the issue of sean's age and authority, not to say his conscienceless exploitation of her vulnerability would arise. i've mentioned the speed with which the first scene happens, above. and i believe other posters have commented on the quick and unexplained transition from scared newcomer to a home for pregnant teens to an admirer of the package in his jeans, who acts on it, within the hour. then the almost instant climax.
in short, as porn it's spotty and not successful. as an attempt at romance with hot sex scenes, the scenes lack plausibility. they would have to be toned down, cause some qualms and fears, etc. *and be less than totally gratifying.* and since you're talking about the owner's reactions, her enthusiasm for her bro's boffing her client/resident might well be muted.
the ending, as some have said, does make some sense, and seems to keep the story moving.
thank you for sharing your story.
hi erin,
other posters have mentioned the mechanical issues including typos and grammar.
doc m started an excellent thread about two stages of writing.
http://forum.literotica.com/showthread.php?t=643177
you might check it. while you have some narrative skill and ability to get underway in the first stage, you need to pay attention to the second. judging by your prodigious output (hundreds of stories/chapters in a year), it appears such chapters are often written in a day or two, and my inference is that stage two is mostly missing, as it appears to be, here.
the genre question hasn't been addressed except in passing. the work appears to be romance, but with lots of hot passages salted in, perhaps aimed 1) at female romance readers who want to experience that heat, and 2) male readers who want to 'look in.'
the main problem is that garnet in ch 1 is fooled and exploited and is not shown as having any sexual pleasure. then in ch 2, a very few months later--maybe 4?-- she is well-along pregnant with twins and on her own in a strange environment. at that point, you invoke the common porn trope of the instantly responsive female. she's a very unlikely candidate, based on ch 1. in chapter 2, she has orgasm within a couple mins from making out, in the para begining Garnet was rubbing.... and later from intercourse, in the para beginning "Oh!" She screamed out.. and, if memory serves, the first encounter is virtually her first night at the place, or the first day she's met the fellow.
as well, at one point you say she wasn't interested in a relationship, and a few paras later, she is in love-- and so is he. in a word, the hot scenes have been subsumed (implausibly) into a romance line of development.
i'd say you have to make up your mind: romance with porn scenes doesn't quite work IMO. a bunch of porn scenes of a young woman in a single moms' home might 'work', or a story of her romance might work, but not at the same time!
lastly, the point penny mentioned is worth reiterating. she begins an affair with the 40 year old brother of the home's owner/director, and this director, denise, seems quite ok with it. g herself seems untroubled by the issue, and from sean, the fellow, we have only the most perfunctory and passing idea of 'this is wrong.'
again, as straight porn, she can boff whom she pleases and have a great old time. maybe do sean's son as well. and have denise applaud from the peanut gallery. as a romance narrative, the issue of sean's age and authority, not to say his conscienceless exploitation of her vulnerability would arise. i've mentioned the speed with which the first scene happens, above. and i believe other posters have commented on the quick and unexplained transition from scared newcomer to a home for pregnant teens to an admirer of the package in his jeans, who acts on it, within the hour. then the almost instant climax.
in short, as porn it's spotty and not successful. as an attempt at romance with hot sex scenes, the scenes lack plausibility. they would have to be toned down, cause some qualms and fears, etc. *and be less than totally gratifying.* and since you're talking about the owner's reactions, her enthusiasm for her bro's boffing her client/resident might well be muted.
the ending, as some have said, does make some sense, and seems to keep the story moving.
thank you for sharing your story.
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PrincessErin
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poppy_cock
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I've never contributed here before either, but I thought I'd give this a whirl. You deserve a gold star for sheer effort with your story-writing and I'd like to help if I can. I've edited stories for a few people here, so what I've done is pretend that I'm editing your story the same way I'd edit theirs.
You've got the makings of a great story here. As others have said, you've included rather a lot of unnecessary detail at times which does detract from the main story a little. I won't get into that, because others have already said it better than I could.
And I don't think you're as bad at characterization as you think you are, either. What struck me most is that you have a tendency to tell not show. There's a lot of "She was nervous", "She was tired", "She was scared". Now I'm not saying you should always show rather than tell, because sometimes telling the readers is the most convenient way of cutting to the action without getting bogged down in detail. But rather than tell me she's tired, show me that her shoulders are sagging, that she just wants to lie down where she is, etc. Personally, I've found that when I think harder about showing how someone experiences something, I get more in tune with who that character is, how they respond to a situation and why. Just something to think about. If you google "Show, don't tell" you'll find a whole stack of other information out there to help you think about it more.
I've 'edited' the first part of it as I edit for my regular writers. I don't know if my style of editing is unique to me, LOL, cos I've never seen anyone else's editing, but my way of doing it is to flag up bits that either don't quite work, or I simply don't understand. I'm not a pro--but people seem to like my own stories (I write here under a different alt)--so hopefully I'm doing something right. So take or leave the following, I won't be offended if it's the latter.
Hope there's something in here that helps.
You've got the makings of a great story here. As others have said, you've included rather a lot of unnecessary detail at times which does detract from the main story a little. I won't get into that, because others have already said it better than I could.
And I don't think you're as bad at characterization as you think you are, either. What struck me most is that you have a tendency to tell not show. There's a lot of "She was nervous", "She was tired", "She was scared". Now I'm not saying you should always show rather than tell, because sometimes telling the readers is the most convenient way of cutting to the action without getting bogged down in detail. But rather than tell me she's tired, show me that her shoulders are sagging, that she just wants to lie down where she is, etc. Personally, I've found that when I think harder about showing how someone experiences something, I get more in tune with who that character is, how they respond to a situation and why. Just something to think about. If you google "Show, don't tell" you'll find a whole stack of other information out there to help you think about it more.
I've 'edited' the first part of it as I edit for my regular writers. I don't know if my style of editing is unique to me, LOL, cos I've never seen anyone else's editing, but my way of doing it is to flag up bits that either don't quite work, or I simply don't understand. I'm not a pro--but people seem to like my own stories (I write here under a different alt
)--so hopefully I'm doing something right. So take or leave the following, I won't be offended if it's the latter. Garnet stood tentatively outside the large red-bricked mansion. She had never seen a house as large as this in real life and she was overwhelmed with emotion. You don’t need to tell me she’s overwhelmed – you’ve already shown me she’s nervous when you said she ‘stood tentatively’. She had seen mansions on television before. You don’t need this sentence, because it’s covered by this one that follows. All her favorite reality shows had the contestants stay in big houses with in-ground pools, hot tubs, and big screen television. Now that she was in front of a house that was real, she was scared to death. This is the third time you’ve told me how she’s feeling. I get it, ok?
The taxicab drove off and skidded down the circular driveway onto the private road. The house was one of ten on a sprawling cul-de-sac. Each home took up a large amount of space You’ve already told me that by using the word ‘sprawling’ and Garnet was scared tremendously at what was inside the house. Enough with telling me how nervous she is!
She thought to herself Who else would she think to? how horrible and ugly she looked. She was standing in almost a foot of snow wearing white and black boots that went up to her knees. She had on gray sweatpants and a t-shirt that was covered by a large black jacket. Three sentences in a row here start with 'She'. Her red hair was in a messy ponytail and she clutched in her hands a black backpack that had so few items that it felt empty.
Garnet took a deep breath and rang the doorbell. She waited and tried to figure out if she could hear noises from inside. The large mahogany door opened and standing in front of her was a woman, smiling kindly.
"Hello. You must be Garnet. Come in."
Garnet could only nod and step in. She knew that she had dragged in a pile of snow and wondered if they would be mad at ruining the immaculate looking front entranceway. The kind woman must have read her mind because she responded. Responded to what? No one said anything.
"Don't worry about the snow. I'm so sorry that the road and pathway wasn't shoveled. We pay good money for someone to do that but they never arrive on time. Let me take your things."
Garnet moved in slow motion to remove her jacket and boots. Really? She moved in slow motion? Why? She anxiously watched as the woman placed her things in a nearby closet.
"I'm Denise. I spoke to your mother on the phone. Would you like a tour of the house or would you like to just see your room?"
"A tour is fine." Garnet was trying to smile but she was slowly going crazy inside her head. This was too much What was too much? All she’s done is take her jacket and boots off! but she didn't want to look unhappy and ungrateful.
Denise led Garnet into the main room off the foyer. Garnet had never seen such a beautiful home. Everything was decorated perfectly and it was so clean and neat.
"This is the main living room. We never use this room and I seriously think it's waste." Garnet followed Denise through an archway into an even larger room. "This is the dining room. Once again, we rarely use this room although Kenneth did have a dinner party when he was promoted to CEO. That was five years ago." Garnet wasn't paying attention but if she were (had been), she would have seen a slight grin on Denise's face.
Right, what you’ve done there is slip out of Garnet’s POV into an omnipotent, all-seeing-eye POV. Strange thing to do when you’ve been so firmly in Garnet’s POV. I agree with some of the other reviewers that you might like to think about sticking to one POV for either the entire story, or at least for one scene at a time.
"This is the kitchen, eating in kitchen area, and den. We spend most of our time here. If there is anything you like to eat let me know and I'll buy it."
"I'm fine. I don't need anything." Garnet blurted out the words so fast that she knew she sounded rude and inconsiderate. She wanted to show how thankful she was to Denise for doing what she was doing.
"Don't be silly. You probably are drinking a lot of milk and although I know when you're pregnant you're not eating for two, or three in this case, but you still need to eat healthy." I'd cut all of this, and substitute it for "Don't be silly. You need to take care of yourself".
Garnet smiled. She was right. She did need to take care of her body, for no other reason then she didn't want to be at fault if there were any issues with the babies.
"I'm sorry. I'm just nervous." By this time, Garnet had followed Denise up the grand circular staircase to the second floor. A tall man who seemed much large then life immediately greeted her. He had a cute smile on his face.
"Hi you must be Garnet. I'm Sean."
Garnet's face turned the same shade of red as her hair. How does she know it’s turned red? Can she see it? You’re in Garnet’s POV again, so unless she’s looking at herself in a mirror (and don’t go there, LOL) she can’t see what color it is. His voice was so pleasant and warm she just wanted to melt into his arms. Really? Whoa, that's kind of weird considering they've only just met! Instead, she smiled, unable to speak.
"Garnet just arrived a few minutes ago. I'm giving her the tour and then I'll give her a chance to settle in her room." Who’s speaking?
"Fantastic".
Sean wandered down the stairs and Garnet watched, trying not to stare.
"He's my brother."
Garnet nodded and watched as they wandered down the hallway viewing four beautifully decorated bedrooms. The first was the master bedroom, which Garnet guessed was the size of her parent's whole first floor. At the end of the hallway was a room with the door closed. Denise opened it and entered.
"This is your room. You have your own bathroom, which I thought was important. I read that sometimes when you're in the latter stages of your pregnancy the uterus can press on the bladder. Would Denise really say all this? I wouldn’t have said she would. I didn't want you to have to rush down the hallway in the middle of the night. Do you have any other bags that your parents are dropping off?"
Denise wanted to act casually about this but she was confused. Ooh, rather abrupt switch into Denise’s POV. The backpack barely had a day's worth of clothing. How does she know that? Has she looked inside it? Garnet's situation was much worse then she originally thought.
"I'm fine. I'm somewhat tired. Would you mind if I have a nap before dinner?" Garnet bit her lip and waited for an answer. Another abrupt switch back to Garnet’s POV. She was very tired and part of it was the fact that she hadn't slept very well in almost six months. It would be better if you could’ve shown me she was tired, rather than told me. Maybe she could’ve felt light-headed, her body heavy, her joints aching, etc. Anything other than ‘She was very tired’. We already know she’s in a bit of a state, bless her.
"Yes of course. We normally have dinner at six."
Denise nodded and closed the door. I’d end the scene here and start the next one in Denise’s POV.
Hope there's something in here that helps.
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PrincessErin
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christabelll
Too...Gone Baby Gone
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Erin, I can contribute little else. While there were issues, I do beleive with tweaking and corrections you could have a good story here.
No matter what, its a risk to self when asking for direct input on your 'babies'. LOL.....
You did good - very brave.
Keep up the writing
No matter what, its a risk to self when asking for direct input on your 'babies'. LOL.....
You did good - very brave.
Keep up the writing
_Lynn_
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It's like painting a picture with words, just as I mentioned to you, Erin.
manyeyedhydra
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Hi, sorry for being a little late to the party, been tied down a bit recently (in the bad way!)
The story was a little too kitchen sink or soap drama for me. I won't comment on whether or not I liked it as I dislike this genre so much my opinion wouldn't be fair
On the mechanics I agree with the POV shifts being a little confusing. There were a few places where I thought there needed to be some section breaks.
I noticed some typos ("two years along" rather than "two years alone") but they didn't kick me out to the extent other people have commented (probably more down to me skimming a little too fast).
I did start to find it all a little hard going getting into page 2. I felt it was missing a little pace somewhere and maybe some judicious trimming could help.
Sean's character didn't convince me. He didn't seem like 40, even when you mentioned the age explicitly. Him coming onto Garnet also seemed a bit of a jarring change. He's not a sleazebag (at least from how he's portrayed in this chapter) so I would have expected him to struggle a lot more with the dilemma of what could be construed as taking advantage of a vulnerable girl in his care.
Hope there's something helpful anyway
I
The story was a little too kitchen sink or soap drama for me. I won't comment on whether or not I liked it as I dislike this genre so much my opinion wouldn't be fair
On the mechanics I agree with the POV shifts being a little confusing. There were a few places where I thought there needed to be some section breaks.
I noticed some typos ("two years along" rather than "two years alone") but they didn't kick me out to the extent other people have commented (probably more down to me skimming a little too fast).
I did start to find it all a little hard going getting into page 2. I felt it was missing a little pace somewhere and maybe some judicious trimming could help.
Sean's character didn't convince me. He didn't seem like 40, even when you mentioned the age explicitly. Him coming onto Garnet also seemed a bit of a jarring change. He's not a sleazebag (at least from how he's portrayed in this chapter) so I would have expected him to struggle a lot more with the dilemma of what could be construed as taking advantage of a vulnerable girl in his care.
Hope there's something helpful anyway
I
