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Old 10-05-2017, 12:25 PM   #1
Randy_Scribbler
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Any feedback for a British smut story

I was wondering if anyone would be so kind as to check out my humour/smut story. It won't be to everyone's liking since the humour is very childish and British. They do say us Brits have a unique sense of humour. Think of it as a cross between a Carry On movie and a sketch from the Viz magazine.

Even if it isn't your sort of thing, please read part of it and let me know how the writing is -- does it flow, make sense? Is the grammar good?

I uploaded this to another site and it got a fair bit of feedback.

Here it is: https://www.literotica.com/s/dirty-d...ymph-next-door

I'll try to upload a pic to go with it as well.

Cheers guys!


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Last edited by Sammael Bard : 10-05-2017 at 09:45 PM.
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Old 10-06-2017, 12:01 PM   #2
8letters
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The writing is great - very crisp and descriptive. I felt like I was in the scene. I didn't see anything humorous and the subject matter was unappealing.
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Old 10-06-2017, 02:08 PM   #3
HisArpy
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I have the opposite view from the above.

I couldn't get into the setting at all because it lacked basic imagery. What did the shop look like? How big? Run down or modern? Where are the COLORS, NOISES, SCENTS AND SMELLS? This is your entire setting and I know almost nothing about it.

I fell out of the story when you reused specific words too quickly - such as this sentence:

Quote:
A young foreign guy appeared behind the counter. "Yeah, what can I get you?" said the foreigner in a strong Eastern European accent.
If he's a young guy who speaks in a non local dialect, he's automatically foreign so you don't have to say it twice. You don't actually have to say "foreign" at all. For a quick ex:

Quote:
A young guy with a dark hair and a swarthy complexion appeared behind the counter. He had a broken black plastic name tag pinned to his green apron which read "Arman". As usual, his apron was grease spotted and dirty, with shiny spots where he continually wiped his hands.

"What I get you?"

The choppy, heavy Eastern European, accent made it hard for me to understand him unless I concentrated directly on what he was saying. God, I wished they'd fire him, I hated him. Besides being nearly unintelligible, he always smelled and looked like he lived in the trash bins in the alley. My stomach churned from the odor and I had to work hard to keep my disgust from showing on my face.

"Bacon butty and coffee, make the coffee large." Somehow I kept my irritation out of my voice. We might not actually be in downtown London but we weren't in Helsinki, or whatever rat infested hole Arman crawled out of, either.
I never said "foreign" yet a reader could get that without me actually saying it directly. I added other details into the mix as well. Doing it this way makes the story details richer and deeper because the characters begin to have personalities and the story imagery captures the imagination. (At this point even you probably think of your heretofore unnamed shop worker as "Arman". That's the power of details and imagery.)

From there: You went too quickly from your protagonist being "irritated at the slow service in an empty coffee shop" to "best buddies to have a conversation with" with the shop worker. Then, instantly, the shop was full of people putting their feet on the tables while the guy stroked himself with no one the wiser. Too fast and too contradictory to be believable.

You should work with mental thought processes more than the "mumbling under his breath" stuff all the time. Most people can think to themselves that the lovely creature over there might be fun to play with, they don't have to actually vocalize it unless it's a blurt they can't prevent. Another quick illustration:

Quote:
God, she's beautiful, I thought to myself as I surreptitiously ran my fist over my bulging crotch. I was getting a hard-on like no one's business just from looking at her. I bet she'd be a fun fuck too.
On the other hand, it's a decent plot which, IMO, could go somewhere if you keep working at it. Add more depth and details to make the characters interesting and be sure the setting fits them. (Honestly, developing a character who is an Arab Sheik with silky robes flowing in the gentle breeze as he stands holding the reins of a powerful looking and beautiful black stallion... makes no sense if we're talking about being on the subway/tubeway platform waiting on a the blue line train - unless we're dreaming as we wait.)

Spend more time writing the details of the scene and not the action. Then have someone beta read it and make suggestions. You don't have to use the suggestions but they are a good indicator of where your reader falls out of the story because it makes an unexpected high speed left turn. When you get done, have an editor look it over for punctuation and grammar AND another beta read with fresh eyes.

Keep at it.
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Last edited by HisArpy : 10-06-2017 at 11:23 PM.
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Old 10-10-2017, 06:12 PM   #4
Randy_Scribbler
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Thanks for the feedback, guys. It was really helpful. Appreciate it.
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Old 11-20-2017, 01:55 PM   #5
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They're all dickheads mate.
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Old 11-20-2017, 03:35 PM   #6
EquinoxRising
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Originally Posted by cuckoldbob View Post
They're all dickheads mate.
Grouchy much?
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Old 11-22-2017, 05:31 AM   #7
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Well I see you're okay mate.

Are you really a Brit? Does it feel like an effort to say filthy words?
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