Bard's Review Thread: My $0.02 on your stories

My favorite series is the My Education series in the Mature category. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on it.

Seeing you mentioned incest

Go for it

http://www.literotica.com/s/siblings-with-benefits-ch-01

First chapter very much sets the tone, its not the typical incest series.

goalie31 said:

My favorite series is the My Education series in the Mature category. I'd be interested to hear your thoughts on it.

Click to expand...

I'll look into it soon afterwards. Since you say that it's a series, I might look into lovercraft68's story first.

I post my thoughts as I go on with the story, so that you are aware of the instantaeneous thoughts running through my brain. I'll say the absolute truth in the best possible way I can.

I'm reading lovercraft68's Incest/taboo story right now.

Pretty new here myself, but this is my fave so far: M/S incest

CPBaudelaire's "Beyond the Borderline" - Book 1 and 2

http://www.literotica.com/s/beyond-the-borderline

warning - it's a full-blown novel, >50 lit pages for both parts combined

TheSoulfulBard said:

I'll look into it soon afterwards. Since you say that it's a series, I might look into lovercraft68's story first.

I post my thoughts as I go on with the story, so that you are aware of the instantaeneous thoughts running through my brain. I'll say the absolute truth in the best possible way I can.

I'm reading lovercraft68's Incest/taboo story right now.

Click to expand...

I look forward to your opinion. I apologize for the shitty grammar, it was one of my first pieces.

Review for Siblings with Benefits Ch. 01 by lovercraft68

Okay, so you've started the scene with our protagonist sitting in the airport, drinking coffee and give some background about her.

There's a problem now.

In the first few paragraphs that I've read, I see that different thoughts tend to shift and appear in the same paragraph. Sample this:

" I was back home in Rhode Island where I had spent 33 of my 39 years/ and my younger brother Mark whom I hadn't seen in six months was on his way to pick me up. Problem was it was hard to be upbeat when you
were as utterly exhausted as I was. The cause of this wasn't just my two hour nonstop from Chicago turning into an hour delay at O'hare and a three hour layover in Philly but due mostly to the latest bout of insomnia I'd been suffering from for the last two weeks."

I'm not trying to point out any grammatical error out here.

The very first paragraph is something that decides whether a reader will read your whole story or skip to some other story out of the hundreds of thousands out here. I think the problem part needs to be spaced and started from an extra paragraph just to make it, you know, look good.

Most of the readers out here tend to browse over a story and even the dumbass in me tends to do it most of the times. The little thing that I've mentioned above disrupts the smoothe flow, something that irritates me subconsciously.

Remember that this dumbass speaks for himself, so you can ignore this or any of the point you think is a rambling.

If I were you, I'd write something like this:

"As I sat in the lobby of TF Green airport, sipping coffee I tried to keep myself from sinking into the depression that I had been mired in for the last couple of weeks. I was back home in Rhode Island where I had spent 33 of my 39 years/ and my younger brother Mark whom I hadn't seen in six months was on his way to pick me up.

Problem was it was hard to be upbeat when you were as utterly exhausted as I was.

The cause of this wasn't just my two hour nonstop from Chicago turni into an hour delay at O'hare and a three hour layover in Philly but due mostly to the latest bout of insomnia I'd been suffering from for the last two weeks. Usually these spells which I've suffered from since the tender age of 10 are brought on by stress, in which case I should have
seen this one coming."

You see what I mean? That single line is a hook for the readers to read this story and subconsciously sets the tone of 'Something's comin up'.

On we go, up ahead!

Whoa, wait!

You've written:

" Normally my appearance is not all that remarkable, I am a tall, slim very attractive, brunette."

Attractive yet unremarkable. What does that suppose to mean?

This reminds me of a LW story where the wife leaves hubby because of his short dick. When the hubby has sex with a girlfriend, he thinks something like:

"I tried to go slow because I didn't want to hurt her with my length."

A sentence that leaves a big question mark on my head.

Okay, after these shenanigans, the story seems to flow well enough and I've reached Mark's house. The story has a pretty dark theme but a good one nonetheless.

Since this is one of your first submissions, I have to say it was a job well done!

I already had the premonition that they're going to fuck when Mark closed the door behind him. I am a bit dissapointed that you didn't give a history of how that happened but as I read the story, I think that I really didn't mind the gap at all.

Sex was pretty damn good. There was mention of blood, which I don't like, but I know it's not a thing your story is focussed upon. In a way, you made it sound like...I don't know what to say...but it didn't turn me off.

It's a story that is different from the masses out here. The theme, the character backgroung etc. All in all, I would say that this story is pretty good.

Since you admit it yourself that it's one of your first submissions, I won't hound you for a few grammatical errors here and there. You could edit it and put it up sometimes and since this is a part of a long series out here, I strongly suggest that you do so.

Verdict: Definitely different and a good story. I might read the whole series sometimes in the future.

Ratings: 4.6/5

(Yeah, I know that doesn't exist so I gave a 5*)

libertine9999 said:

Pretty new here myself, but this is my fave so far: M/S incest

CPBaudelaire's "Beyond the Borderline" - Book 1 and 2

http://www.literotica.com/s/beyond-the-borderline

warning - it's a full-blown novel, >50 lit pages for both parts combined

Click to expand...

Although, I cringe at the thought of reading something THAT big at a stretch, I was planning on reading that in the near future. It'll take some time as I have to go through the request before you. Your request is lined up and I definitely won't skip that.

Review for My Education Ch. 01 by NicholasTemplar

DISCLAIMER : These are my views alone. I never harbor any personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

The Truth:

I've never read a mature story. You can notice that I specifically didn't mention Mature category there BUT that doesn't mean that I hate it.

I'm glad that you even suggested it to me. Thank you!

The Good:

The writing flows well and I can easily identify myself with the Academic protagonist. There's not much groundwork in this chapter to say my thoughts because it's mostly sex in the next 2 Lit pages.

The sex between Erin and Justin is something that has been ripped out of my fantasy. The imagery is soooo good...especially the part where Erin is sitting on his lap, with her back towards him and he plays with her clit. And the one where he rams his tongue into her pussy...Damn!

The erotica part teeters on the brink of totally awesomeness. Why not completely awesome? I'll explain that part in 'The Bad' section.

The sex scenes are smoothe and I really love it when an author creates an imagery in my head that is hard to shake off. That is one series that I'll love to see it through the end.

The Bad:

So, Erin's a cold bitch that doesn't give a damn about anyone. The part where she kisses him and proceeds to have sex with him irked me a teeny-weeny bit. It sounded....abrupt.

I am a person who loves psychology and the thinking behind a person's action. It gets on my nerves when people try to push some mumbo-jumbo into the story, just to get it going. Well, it might not be noticable to all the readers in Lit but since you asked for my humble opinion, I had to say that.

Remember when I told that the sex is not completely awesome? The conversation or the dialogues between people having sex is something that has to be written well enough to sound plausible.

It's one thing to see a person saying and screaming gibberish in the throes of her orgasm on the big screen but it doesn't really work well in written erotica. Another small point to tick me off in an otherwise hot story.

Verdict: As a student, I dreamt of doing my hot teachers sometimes during the class. This is one story that humped onto my fantasy and rode me to the very end. Nice read and near-awesome sex scenes.

The Bard's Ratings: 4.75/5

Review for My Education Ch. 02 by NicholasTemplar

DISCLAIMER : These are my views alone. I never harbor any
personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I
try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass
are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

My thoughts on "My Education Ch. 02"

Okay, I'm writing this as I finish reading the page 3 of Ch. 02.

Sample this:

" I felt my cock explode."

And this:

"Her eyes were on fire."

That's a good joke in itself. The imagery is so goddamn funny that I still remember it after 20 minutes. Nothing wrong that I can point my fingers on but....seriously?

Till now, I have no character description of the hero apart from the fact that he's caring and a ladies man. He does things and that's it. I have no goddamn idea about his emotions, feelings or even his background. It would've worked in the first chapter but it's still going on.

This story has already started to give me the vibe of Erotic Couplings - Object A goes into/over/under/whatever Object B.

Okay, now I have finished Chapter 2 and these are my thoughts:

It's a Fuckathon.

This story showed some great potential in the first chapter but has dissapointed me with the second.

All I get in second chapter is a lot of fucking.

Erotica excites me a lot, BUT it'll bore me if you keep on with that. I don't have much to say on this chapter except I feel a bit dissapointed. Nothing significant really happened out here.

Plot - 3/5
Erotica - 4.8/5
Emotions, Feelings - 3.8/5

The Bard's Ratings - 4.5/5

Tag! I'm It! Wait... what?

The Missing Dragon is probably my favorite story of my own concoction. Don't know if it qualifies for your treatment but it scored pretty high! I've had a few commenters who have given me some very nice critical feedback, but I'm always looking for more on this one. So, if you'd like to review it for me then I'd appreciate it!

Also, it's huge.

But enough about my penis. The story is actually quite long at the moment, and if you can't manage to get through it all or it's just too much then I totally get that and no hard feelings! ^_^

Also, I'm fully aware I ballsed up the punctuation of the dialogue in the first (and possibly second) installments. I hope it's not too off-putting.

Other than that, your thoughts on the story so far would be great! Cheers!

Review for My Education Ch. 03 by NicholasTemplar

DISCLAIMER : These are my views alone. I never harbor any personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

My thoughts on My Education Ch. 03

This is coming from me after the first page.

All the dissapointments that have been mentioned by me in my review for the Ch. 02 seems to be fixed in this chapter, although not completely, but still it's a nice change from the Erotic torture of Ch. 02.

This one still got on my nerve:

The story keeps on mentioning Saving Michelle, Fucking Erin, How Erin made it happen...ad infinitum.

It looks as if our hero has no other thoughts or things to think upon.

You are writing in the first person, welding the reader and protagoinist together in a way. You've got to make it plausible and make me feel all the things that are happening to the protagonist. Except for a very descriptive erotica, I have no idea of anything else.

In a way, it's lacking depth.

Near the end of the second page, they start having sex and I'm like - - but it's mercifully short so I can live with that.

Some more character description aaand here we go again.

I did this, I did that...

I'm getting sick of it. Lemme know what you're thinking for crying out loud! Again we jump into sex at the end of page 3 and I'm screaming Bloody Murder right now!

Page 4 is full of sex and a weak applause from my side.

I am not a zombie with a dick.

I've noticed that the protagonist doesn't really give me an input to his thoughts. He's just telling me what he's seeing and he's feels through his sense. Other than that - nothing on his thoughts about the situation.

I'm on the verge of tears.

I really have to take a break RIGHT NOW before I go on. I think I'll go nuts if I read the whole series at a stretch.

*****

Okay, So here I am - Freshly showered and hopefully with a new pair of critic goggles. I'm still a bit grumpy right now and I hope that's not making me biased.

I'm starting from page 5.

And I've finished page 5.

The background with Sarah's story was a good change and tells me a bit more about the main characters. It's acting like a ventilator to my asphyxiated brains.

And we have a sex scene towards the end....again.

I think this story belongs to the Erotic Couplings. Throughout my readings, I've never really felt any age difference between Justin and Erin. It feels as if 2 people on the same intellectual level are having a conversation and neither sound their own age, especially Erin.

Page 6 begins with the delicious promise of some booty lovin' and doesn't dissapoint. It's okay.

Finally I see the hero pondering over Sarah's emotions after...what?...forever? This is pretty rare and this definitely caught my eye. Sample this:

"...but I believed that for the first time since her mom passed away that Sarah felt as if there was someone other than me that she could call family. She loved my parents and they adored her, but there were some things she would never confide in them. There were things about Sarah that no one in our group knew save me."

I'm talking about lines like these which are pretty rare in the story. I love to hear the thoughts and whatever-it-is running through your mind.

Our hero mentions a lot of characters. I tried to track of it but finally gave up with a sigh. I don't know how many uncles or how big a family he has. I give up.

Information overload.

I hear a lot of thoughts from Justin and it makes me think as if the author has bugged my mind. Finally!

Whoa, wait!

There is a mention of supercomputers and my inner geeko rears its head, asking what the hell is happening.

I don't have a lot of technical info about supercomps but I know it's not THAT easy to procure one. You need to have a reason as big as the HGP (Human Genome Project) to acquire a supercomp. A LOT of beareaucratical rounds are required to gain the permission.

I may be wrong, so I'll check that out sometimes later.

The story is somewhat smooth in this page and mercifully spares me a round of sex or three. It tries to steer the readers a bit more towards his emotions but the author jumps right back into his element in the end of this page with a BJ.

Onto page 7....

sex, sex, sex....oh wait!

Now, the author has included Maria into his romps. Nice.

It's a change that is very appreciated from this side. The sex feels different somehow...maybe that's because it's Maria but damn! It's hot.

These are my thoughts as I finish this story:

FUCKING FINALLY!

The Author managed to put some words into their mouth in the end. It really feels like a cold shower after a sweltering day.

Phew!

Verdict: I'll summarise my thinkings/ramblings into a few points.

1. Really great and original sex secenes. It's like taking a good peak at a pirated copy of Kamasutra. Detailed environment, feelings, sensations etc. are very well described. Good job!

Erotica - 4.8/5

2. Justin doesn't think. He only acts.

Yeah, I know it makes a terrible spinoff from one of those Chuck Norris jokes, but that's the truth. Rarely does the author tap into his thoughts for the situation he is in.

I'm not talking about thoughts like - My goddess is so beautiful.

I'm talking about - I don't know what to say. Erin still manages to surprise me every time.

Emotions, feelings - 3.5/5

3. There's no point in dragging a story. It bores me to tears. The whole plot has shifted at a snail's pace for the very first page of the first chapter to the very last page of the 3rd chapter.

I had to take a break, just to stay sane.

Plot - 3/5

Verdict - What came off as a story with a good potential has managed to suck monumentally. I was howling for painkillers at the end of page 8 of chapter 3.

I can't handle a bombardment of erotica without plot. I'll be screwed.

I can handle a bombardment of plot without erotica. Any day, any time.

Yeah, I agree that the story has received some high ratings but most of the people out there never care for anything except erotica. Who am I kidding here?

This is an Erotica Website for god's sake!

The bard's ratings - 4.3/5

Lien_Geller said:

The Missing Dragon is probably my favorite story of my own concoction. Don't know if it qualifies for your treatment but it scored pretty high! I've had a few commenters who have given me some very nice critical feedback, but I'm always looking for more on this one. So, if you'd like to review it for me then I'd appreciate it!

Also, it's huge.

But enough about my penis. The story is actually quite long at the moment, and if you can't manage to get through it all or it's just too much then I totally get that and no hard feelings! ^_^

Also, I'm fully aware I ballsed up the punctuation of the dialogue in the first (and possibly second) installments. I hope it's not too off-putting.

Other than that, your thoughts on the story so far would be great! Cheers!

Click to expand...

I've actually read The Missing Dragon series, during August 2013 (I think) and I loved it back then.

It has been some time so I don't actually remember most of it. It'll take some time as I've to look into a story spanning a lot of pages before you.

2 days at max but I'll definitely look into your story.

Cheers!

Thank yooo!

My Review for Beyond the Borderline by CPBaudelaire (first 8.5 Lit pages)

DISCLAIMER : These are my views alone. I never harbor any personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

So here are my thoughts for Beyond the Borderline by CPBaudelaire:

Since, this story is pretty long (28 Lit pages), I'll post my thoughts after reading a few pages at a stretch or maybe immediately after a good line/development.

The beginnings of this story gives me the premium feel of a novel, completed with a poetry by Cooder(I don't give a damn as to who he is, but it's very good). It wants me to kick back my feet, relax in a comfy chair, and enjoy the ride. Nice.

The beginnings of Book One is pretty haunting and gives me a lot of clues to what the story will be like. A sort of good vibe, should I say.

The actual beginnings of Rick's tale is impressive:

" My name is Rick and this is the story of my mother and myself, a tale of a life and love that almost didn't happen."

That one line tells me a lot about the quality of work I should expect while reading this story...and gets me hooked. Many authors will agree with me on this fact.

After the first few paragraphs, I jump to a conclusion already:

I'll love this. No matter how much time it takes for me to finish it but I'll love this.

The writing is really smoothe. Combine that to a first person scenario, and I feel as if someone's confiding into me and I have the best feeling in the world.

So, I guess that it's all in the beginnings of a tale. It is a deciding factor whether the mental image of the reader goes uphill or downhill.

The language and the tone feels conversational. I can feel what he's trying to say. Referring to his grandparents as 'Gramps' and 'Nana' is just the cherry on the top of that feeling.

Then comes 2 pargraphs giving me a detailed description about our hero and his tool.

Strangely, it doesn't sound bad. After I read it, I felt as if someone has been describing himself to me over a cup of coffee, and not just steam-rolled his image into my brains.

When the author describes his mom, I can feel the adoration in his voice and a bit of defensiveness that might naturally come out of it. The scenes from his childhood keeps on adding memories and cementing the sweet relationship between Rick and Jennifer. Great!

When the author describes his Mom, it's a bit poetic but really good without sounding pornographic. I can already feel his admiration for Jennifer, sitting here in my room. Good job!

I come across the conversation between Jennifer and a very young Rick about his raging hormones and the part where Jennifer gently tells him that she knows his fantasies about him is really good. The conversation feels like the ones we're more likely to have in a normal household.

Okay, Sample this line:

" It seemed as though I had crossed some sort of event horizon of love and lust and was now being sucked inexorably into a black hole of incredibly intense emotions, which I was powerless to stop. It was exciting and amazingly erotic. It was tender, warm and comforting. It was also absolutely terrifying. Terrifying that I should feel this way about the one person in the whole world I was supposed to love wholly, unconditionally and above all, chastely."

This author writes with a passion that is truly worth of my applause. The feelings -lust, love, fear- all mold themselves into a single coherent thought that makes me wanto to sympathize with him.

The story is full of such thoughts, so I won't waste your time by explaining/quoting all of them. I'll try to make this review short and sweet.

I've just finished reading the part where Nana and Gramps have died before I remembered that I had a review to put up. The story is as smooth as melted butter on a sunny day. I never felt the need to check my watch or felt impatient anywhere.

It's that good a story.

The author prevents that part from being entirely morbid by injecting some small humor such as:

" I enjoyed our contact, all the while praying that Mom wouldn't notice the ever-present, throbbing barometer of my love and lust, my nervous eyes constantly darting to her face to check for any recognition of my arousal."

It helped in lightening the mood, a little bit.

I've breezed through the story to the point where Rick has graduated from college.

The earlier buttery goodness I'd mentioned has now become a bit monotonous, a sort of repitition, if you know what I mean.

A fine, ole wine in a new bottle, but fine nonetheless.

I really love the words used by the author to convey an imagery. Sample this:

" I roused with a start. Sunlight was streaming into my room, illuminating suspended motes of dust, which moved lazily in the air currents from my open window."

Wow. That's all I can say.

I see that the author tends to make Jennifer a bit reluctant to accept the budding relationship with her son, which is very acceptable. I didn't expect Rick to have a nympho for a Mom. The author has tried to make this change a gradual one but has dragged the story a little bit in the process.

Okay, I have to leave my commentary here as I have other important jobs to do. So I keep my bookmark at the middle of page 9 of Lit.

So far, so good.

The story promises to be a good one and has injected a bit of anticipation into my mind, which I absolutely love.

I'll post my thoughts in segments later today.

That's My Girl

It's not hall-of-fame (yet!) but I'd like your reaction to my best-received story, That's My Girl. It's inadvertent incest with group, mature, tragedy, and multiracial tropes. Someone even said they'd pay for it!

Some House Clearing!

Hypoxia said:

It's not hall-of-fame (yet!) but I'd like your reaction to my best-received story, That's My Girl. It's inadvertent incest with group, mature, tragedy, and multiracial tropes. Someone even said they'd pay for it!

Click to expand...

I've NEVER said that I'll only post reviews for the ones in the Hall of Fame.

I'd absolutely love to provide feedback for your story

However, it might take some time as there are two more requests piled up ahead of me. If you can wait for a few couple of days (2-3), I can provide you my feedback.

TheSoulfulBard said:

If you can wait for a few couple of days (2-3), I can provide you my feedback.

Click to expand...

No rush. Thanks!

I was wondering if our grand and mighty reviewer could recommend new reading material for me? I'm currently running low.

I've read everything from the following authors.

bluedragonauther
Lien Geller
Intrepid Fate
WaterBurn
BackYardBottomSlash
ITPC

I've become very lazy when it comes to venturing out to unknown authors. Anything to recommend? I usually prefer a multi part story, or one that has 4 lit pages or more.

Cheers,
NT

Grand and mighty, huh?

Noble_Truth said:

I was wondering if our grand and mighty reviewer could recommend new reading material for me? I'm currently running low.

I've read everything from the following authors.

bluedragonauther
Lien Geller
Intrepid Fate
WaterBurn
BackYardBottomSlash
ITPC

I've become very lazy when it comes to venturing out to unknown authors. Anything to recommend? I usually prefer a multi part story, or one that has 4 lit pages or more.

Cheers,
NT

Click to expand...

I can suggest the following stories if you have no problem with Non consent/ Reluctance:

The Rebellious Slave series by HisPet21 (Non-consent)

Red Sister series by Etaski (Warning: Too big) (Sci-fi)

Taking of Lena series by ablondegoddess (Non- Consent)

Wanting it All series by LBGrant (BDSM)

Bound by TxRad (BDSM)

Daniella Bound and Daniella Defiled (BDSM) I don't remember the name of this author, but you can find it in the contest winner coloumn.

You can also read stories from author bashfullyshameless (19 stories), conanthe, TxRad and lovercraft68. These are some good authors around here on Lit.

I hope this helps.

Noble_Truth said:

I was wondering if our grand and mighty reviewer could recommend new reading material for me? I'm currently running low.

I've read everything from the following authors.

bluedragonauther
Lien Geller
Intrepid Fate
WaterBurn
BackYardBottomSlash
ITPC

I've become very lazy when it comes to venturing out to unknown authors. Anything to recommend? I usually prefer a multi part story, or one that has 4 lit pages or more.

Cheers,
NT

Click to expand...

I'm seeing a couple of names I recognize from the list of authors there. You might also like Mack the Knife and Evil Alpaca. You can find them easily enough through the Sci-Fi&Fantasy toplist.

I always recommend DanielleKitten and Selena Kitt, as they write across a broad spectrum, and it's all good.

DISCLAIMER : These are my views alone. I never harbor any
personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I
try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass
are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

So, I'm picking up on my review from where I left off.

It's set on the 4th of July, which happens to be a rainy day.

Okay, this is straight out of my thoughts without any sort of adulteration:

Previously, I've read that Jennifer was one of the few person who always visited Rick's fanatasies during masturbation. It was kinda cute and innocent in the beginning.

Now, it's creepy.

Really creepy.

I know nothing wrong will happen but maybe the author has overdone it...just a bit.

Rick and Jennifer finally sharing a not-so-chaste kiss in the park feels like a gradual development and not a forced one. A thumbs-up from this guy for respecting the sanity of the human mind.

I also noticed that the language used by the author is a bit poetic sometimes. I hazarded a guess a few times that English might not be his Native tongue, like many of the users out here.

Not that it matters, I just pointed out something itchy in my thoughts. This axiom becomes somewhat more pronounced as I read on.

Anyways...

I'm getting a feeling of the story being dragged for no apparent reason, although it is very subtle. The dancing around is good as long as it doesn't seem repetetive.

The author gives me a vivid view of Rick's thoughts by this paragraph:

" I worried daily about my ability to live off of crumbs from the incestuous banquet table that was laid out just beyond my reach. As my ultimate dream appeared to inch closer, it seemed as though there was more to lose by trying to push things along. Mom was placing a lot of confidence in my ability to wait for her, but I felt in my gut that if I tried to escalate our nascent affair on my own, I'd be breaking her trust in a way that would not be reparable. It was absolutely maddening."

I find it a bit unsettling when I read about the hot and cold reaction of Jennifer towards her own son. Till now, I've always pictured her as a very smart and strong-willed lady.

A weakness of that sort is absolutely possible but I couldn't identify it with her. She feels like a different person now.

On we surge ahead!

I've come to one conclusion after reading some of Rick's shenanigans on page 12.

He is a creep.

I had that feeling before but now it's official. He totally sounds like the stalkers I hear about from my girlfriends.

Obsessive. Impulsive. Destructive.

These are some words that come into my mind when I am reading about Rick. Not a good thing.

Haze of lust? I feel as if the author is trying to push/escalate the things a bit.

I'm getting sick of one phenomenon here. Every time his Mom initiates a contact, our hero's dick responds faster than the SAS regiment. It has now reached ridiculous proportions, so I have to mention that fact.

Okay, now I've reached the most anticipated part of my story - the love-making between Rick and Jennifer.

Oh, wait! It's a Make out scene and a good one at that. After such a long period of time, I get to see some good action.

I hate these lines:

"Suck momma's titties some more, baby. Oh yes. Yesssss,"

Don't ask, but it ticks me off. All in all it was hot.

The one where Rick tries to force himself on Jennifer sounds very unconvincing. All through the story I've read that Rick is so caring and such things but he loses his control for a single dry-humping?

Bullshit.

This part did make me go like 'Oh god, what's gonna happen now?' but that effect was somewhat nullified by the bullshit I've mentioned earlier.

Jennifer's reaction to the disaster has been done very well. The Anger has been portrayed quite well.

The whole shenanigan - where the author has tried to inject an element of drama/suspense - comes at the cost of doing something that is not entirely in the nature of Rick. He has never mentioned any sort of 'Beast' or even gave me a hint that Rick is capable of doing such things.

I actually sided with Jennifer when she gave out a lashing to Rick. It was well-deserved

The author including Marcie into a M/S relationship with her own son, Shawn, is surprising and explains the bit of conversation between her and Rick.

I really loved it when Rick tries to leave Jennifer. Dramatic and Book-clencher (or a tablet-clencher in my case) but a bit dissapointing when all that ado was for nothing.

Rick and Jenny coming into terms with their feelings is a piece written well enough and plausible.

Now that I've finished the whole story, I'll summarise my ramblings into a few points:

1. Basically a story about a love between Jennifer and Rick, along with the few emotional ups and downs, it was very good. There were times when I felt that the plot was being dragged, but over all it came out as a good story, with a cliffhanger in the end.

Plot - 4.75/5

2. I can basically see the world through Rick's eyes. His expressions and feelings feel genuine and sweet to me. Descriptions and other such wizardry with words are done well by the author.

The conversation feels out of place in some situations. Usage of words, that I don't think of using in everyday conversation, is a bit annoying sometimes. Other than that, good job!

Emotions, Feelings - 4.85/5

3. The sex came and blew me away like a freight train. It was good and the author has done a good job of not making it a continuous fuck-fest.

I still have a problem with the continuous 'mmmmpphhh' and 'ooooohhhhssss' during sex. My problem, mind you, certainly not everyone's

Erotica - 4.8/5

Verdict - Although I don't read something that big at a stretch, I did it this time. It was not the best of experience, to tell you the truth, but it was nice nonetheless. The story has an increased pace towards the end, only to leave me at a cliffhanger.

Overall, the author has done a good job of writing some odd 280 MS Word pages. His efforts haven't gone to waste, afterall.

I'll spill a dirty truth out here right now. I've skimmed through the pages in the middle, mostly through the laconic scenes and erotica part. I was a bit bored and normally, it's not within my capacity to go through and critique a piece that big. It's a short-coming of mine and I'm guilty of that.

I hope despite all of these, I've written a truthful exposition of what came into my mind during the read.

The Bard's Rating - 4.78/5

Review for The Missing Dragon by Lien_Geller

DISCLAIMER : These are my views alone. I never harbor any personal grudge against anyone while doing my reviews. I try to be neutral and clinical. The thoughts of this dumbass are his alone and might not be shared by everyone.

Also, take everything I say with a grain of salt because half of the time, I'm muddling with my own work.

So here are my thoughts for Lien_Geller's The Missing Dragon:

Your story has gotten off from a good start:

" Gregory Hopkins had a missing dragon to deal with."

I was like - Huh?

It got my attention and possibly the attention of every other reader passing by. Good job!

The tone at the beginning feels a bit neutral, if not a bit bored.

It has been a long time since I've read a story in third person so that fault will be partially, if not fully, mine. It's like switching to tofu just after a sizzling pair of the juciest chicken wings.

Skip my previous rambling, if you can

Character description is average and I'm okay with that. I've just read 'Beyond the Borderline' so my thoughts might be a bit colored due to it.

The scene where you describe Gregory kicking the ball at Freddie's face is a bit confusing. Not grammatically but I've failed miserably in conjuring up the scene in my head at one go. Sample this:

"This time he heard the ball being kicked and being kicked hard. Reacting without much thought to the matter, Gregory felt his legs tense and then propel him up into the air, spinning sideways and swinging his leg outwards. He saw the ball blasting toward where the back of his head had been moments before. It took him an instant to re-adjust the swing of his foot and slam the football in a perfect volley that sent it hurtling back toward Freddie's face."

I could make no sense of what scene were you trying to conjure during the first read, except for the part where Greg has kicked the ball into Freddie's face.

It's a smooth sailing from now onwards.

The story spikes up the intrigue factor with this one line:

"Then the entire world fell into darkness."

I immediately changed my position into a more comfortable one and got back into reading it. That's how good it is. It hooks my interest without any mercy and reels me in for an undivided attention. Well done!

The description of Gregory's new surroundings is done very well and gives my mind a chance to get settled into a new environment and expect some sort of action from your story.

Okay, I have to say this because it has been nagging into my thoughts for a little while.

The narration at the beginning sounds like that of a tale that you would read in those fantasy books of 12-15 age group. A bit childish, should I say.

Nothing wrong with that and it's not THAT pronounced but it nags me a bit.

Greg's a teenager, right? He's so far away from home yet he does not miss his family. Most people wouldn't really care as they'd just glance through the pages. If you're asking me to critique your story, then I think that I should point out that fact to you.

You spare just a single line for that thought. I'm not telling you to fill pages after pages with his whining but still...

Okay, up we go ahead!

I've just finished page 5 and I have a nagging thought about the scene of face-off between Gregory and the orc trader. The way Greg justifies it was a bit too naive for my taste and I felt that you could write better than that.

Other than that, it has been a really good read uptill now.

I've reached the scene where Algra and Gregory are having sex with each other with Janette standing there as a silent voyeur.

You don't deal with Janette's feelings well enough. It feels forced. One moment you tell what a bitch she is and the other you tell me that she's falling for him in an instant. You explain her want to stay with Freddie very well but her thoughts for Gregory don't settle well with me.

Her being lovey-dovey with Greg just after a fuck feels a bit rushed to me.

Okay, now. that I've finished reading the chapter, I'll summarise my ramblings into a few points:

1. A story with a very good potential. I couldn't say more without sounding like a douchebag. I never felt that you've stalled or something. The flow is smooth. Good job!

Plot - 4.90/5

2. You don't really write feelings/thinkings too well and it feels a bit childish and forced in SOME places. This is coming from me after reading your story for a second time after a gap of a year. So it gets a beating in this department.

Otherwise, it is aptly done and a very good job.

Emotions, Feelings - 4.80/5

3. I don't have much to say about Erotica because it is awesome. The sex is really good...but it still managed to tick this asshole in a few places

Greg transforming from a virgin to a Casanova in a single night, should give a lot of guys a run for their money.

Janette turning into a Bi at a moment's notice is every guy's wet dream come true.

I'm a realist. A situation has to be plausible enough to be accepted by my brain cells. So it gets a bit of beating in this department.

Erotica - 4.84/5

Verdict - A very good story, amazing plot and a hot erotica. It is a winning combination, if I'm frank enough.

Your mistakes are very minute and not so glaringly obvious as I may have sounded but that's it. If I'm going through any story for a second time, even the tiniest bits of mistakes amplify themselves in my eyes.

The Bard's ratings - 4.87/5

Deleted

I'm going to offer you two suggestions, one of my own stories and one by a favorite author of mine.

My story is Deep Undercover. It's 50,000 words comprising three chapters of 5,5, and 6 Lit. pages. NonConsent/Reluctance category.

The other story is Chess Game, by urbanslut. Four chapters totaling 7 Lit. pages; this one is in Loving Wives.