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sj14

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Jun 28, 2014
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Hi everyone,

Can I persuade any of you to give my 'Practice Dates' story a once over and let me know your thoughts? I've never written anything like this before and it'll probably be the last time as I was just writing this for fun rather than anything I'd seriously commit to, but I'd like to know how I did.

The story revolves around a young married woman being manipulated by her boss. It's not something I'd ever condone, but it was just a fantasy.

Thanks

http://www.literotica.com/s/practice-dates

Also this might sound rich given the theme, but I've had some disturbingly nasty anonymous comments about wanting the female lead to die in childbirth which I've since deleted. Do they crop up much? I think someone's taking it too seriously and might have some issues.
 
For whatever reason-considering some of the other things here like incest and non consent- adultery is just absolutely crushed on here.

This crowd of trolls can usually be found in the loving wives section(and if you do not like those comments never write there) but as of late they have been drifting into other categories and beating on anything featuring extra marital affairs.

These guys who want the woman to always die or be tortured somehow refer to themselves as real men. They have to because no one else will.
 
Seconded. Don't take trashy comments to heart. If you do, the trolls have succeeded.
 
In all the examples given above you can drop that word. Many times Had is like "that" read a sentence with and without those words out loud and you'll see most of the time you don't need them.

This is a great example of feedback. This is something you were obviously not aware of and now you are and its a quick fix to make your writing better.

When I started I used "actually" all the time and that is another word that most of the time can get cut. I used "also" way to much and was in love with the words "of course"

I had all that pointed out to be by another author and it helped me not only fix those problems, but look for others.

"started and began" are the two I recently picked up on that I am now working on eliminating.

We all learn as we go.
 
lovecraft68 said:
"started and began" are the two I recently picked up on that I am now working on eliminating.
Click to expand...

My editor slapped me on that one with the very first story he worked on. By the third notation of it, I was hearing it in Dark Helmet's voice.

"Why are you always preparing? Just go!"
 
I never would have picked up on that, thanks guys. I'll be watching for that like a hawk from now.
 
sj14 said:
I never would have picked up on that, thanks guys. I'll be watching for that like a hawk from now.
Click to expand...

You wouldn't want to throw out all past perfect (had been) in favor of simple past (was), because it has its uses in setting comparative time of action. But most of the time, yes, using simple past tense results in smoother reading.

What I spend a lot of time pulling out of my drafts is the word "now." (And I just deleted the "now" I'd originally written after the word "drafts" in this posting.)
 
This has probably been asked a thousand times before but is there any way to go back and edit an existing story that's already been posted? I've tried looking in the FAQs but all the questions seem to focus on how to post it up, rather than make any alterations later on.

Also, what did you all think of the story itself? I must confess, I had a bit of a hard time taking them from the point where the two characters are having dinner and flirting, to the moment where they're having sex. I'd have preferred to do it without him having to make a veiled threat but couldn't work it out.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing because I also can't help thinking the lap dance scene was a bit forced, but those issues aside I'm pleased with it.
 
sr71plt said:
You wouldn't want to throw out all past perfect (had been) in favor of simple past (was), because it has its uses in setting comparative time of action. But most of the time, yes, using simple past tense results in smoother reading.

What I spend a lot of time pulling out of my drafts is the word "now." (And I just deleted the "now" I'd originally written after the word "drafts" in this posting.)
Click to expand...

Yup and I had to take "started" out of mine. Habits are hard to break. Last story I wrote I did a search on word for "started and began" and found enough to get pissed off at myself
 
sj14 said:
This has probably been asked a thousand times before but is there any way to go back and edit an existing story that's already been posted? I've tried looking in the FAQs but all the questions seem to focus on how to post it up, rather than make any alterations later on.

Also, what did you all think of the story itself? I must confess, I had a bit of a hard time taking them from the point where the two characters are having dinner and flirting, to the moment where they're having sex. I'd have preferred to do it without him having to make a veiled threat but couldn't work it out.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing because I also can't help thinking the lap dance scene was a bit forced, but those issues aside I'm pleased with it.
Click to expand...

This is from the FAQs available on the home page by clicking on the blue "Submissions" button:

I've re-edited my story and want to replace the posted version with my new edited one. How do I do this?

No problem! Simply submit the new version as you submitted the old one, only adding the word "EDITED" to the title (ex. "My Sexy Firefighter Ch. 03 - EDITED") so that we know to replace the old text with the new text. We will then replace the original text with the new text. Your story will retain its previous voting score and views.
 
Okay, I've just submitted an edited version. I've fixed a few grammatical issues, tried to delete the word 'had' and made some minor changes to the story.

I don't know when the new version will go live, but I still welcome any and all feedback.

Thanks everyone
 
I decided to peruse the forums for the first time today, so maybe that's why I read your story, even though it was clear it contained adultery. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially when the person being cheated on seems genuinely nice. It's even harder when it is obvious the cheater is being manipulated.

I am telling you these things so you understand the context of what I will tell you next.

It was very well-written. The first paragraph was a little iffy (though that's been covered above), but otherwise it was smooth sailing. The story itself was believable, and the sex was conveyed almost perfectly.

The one note I do have pertains specifically to how you describe a few things. There are times you can't get away from words like "biggest" or "largest" without getting a bit repetitive. However, when you a describing a feeling or an event, you usually have some leeway. For instance, Cat's orgasm could be described in much greater detail than "the biggest orgasm she'd ever experienced." You lead into it very well, but the "crescendo" fell just a little flat. However, it's also fair to mention that I have never written an erotic story, and perhaps I'm coming at this from the wrong angle.
 
Twilightringwraith said:
I decided to peruse the forums for the first time today, so maybe that's why I read your story, even though it was clear it contained adultery. It makes me extremely uncomfortable, especially when the person being cheated on seems genuinely nice. It's even harder when it is obvious the cheater is being manipulated.

I am telling you these things so you understand the context of what I will tell you next.

It was very well-written. The first paragraph was a little iffy (though that's been covered above), but otherwise it was smooth sailing. The story itself was believable, and the sex was conveyed almost perfectly.

The one note I do have pertains specifically to how you describe a few things. There are times you can't get away from words like "biggest" or "largest" without getting a bit repetitive. However, when you a describing a feeling or an event, you usually have some leeway. For instance, Cat's orgasm could be described in much greater detail than "the biggest orgasm she'd ever experienced." You lead into it very well, but the "crescendo" fell just a little flat. However, it's also fair to mention that I have never written an erotic story, and perhaps I'm coming at this from the wrong angle.
Click to expand...

Cool, thanks for the feedback. I fully understand that adultery makes some people uncomfortable so thanks for sticking with it and taking the time to reply. It's all just fantasy though, I'd never encourage that sort of behaviour in real life.

I've re-read it now and understand what you mean about the 'crescendo,' it does fall a bit flat. I'm new to this kind of writing so I might have to read a few more examples before I can change that. It probably would have been easier if I'd given her just the one instead of three, but I was feeling generous.
 
sj14 said:
Okay, I've just submitted an edited version. I've fixed a few grammatical issues, tried to delete the word 'had' and made some minor changes to the story.

I don't know when the new version will go live, but I still welcome any and all feedback.

Thanks everyone
Click to expand...

Take a look at prowritingaid.com It has a nice feature that points out repeated words and phrases. I find it quite useful.
 
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