Feedback requested - good bad or ugly welcomed!

All,

My story "Stepsister Cures Me" was posted in the BDSM category this morning. Here is the link:
www.literotica.com/s/stepsister-cures-me

I will very much welcome your feedback and will answer any questions you may raise.

Thanks,
JPJ Jr

PS: One question for now -- I can't find a place where I can establish my email settings for the story itself. It would be helpful to receive notifications of comments, likes etc.

Think you're going to have quite a time in the comments/voting on this one. The story opens with sex between step siblings. I'm pretty sure that this is considered incest here, that Incest/Taboo trumps BDSM here, and that you are going to be reamed for not having it in Incest/Taboo no matter how good the story/writing are. (You already have a comment questioning the BDSM placement). Sort of weird that the editor didn't put it in Incest.

wrong category

I agree that you put this story in the wrong category. That said, your writing is very good. There were only a couple of mistakes that I saw in the whole story. You developed the characters well and the story had a nice erotic feel to it.

johnpauljonesjr79 said:

PS: One question for now -- I can't find a place where I can establish my email settings for the story itself. It would be helpful to receive notifications of comments, likes etc.

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As far as I know, there is no setting to receive email or other "push" notifications. To check for comments, etc., you should go to your author's page and click on Recent Activity, which is under submissions.

Very well done! Just a few comments. This was pretty hot. I think you could have developed the two characters a bit more, given them a bit more personality, let us see them more as people. The more we know them, the more we like them, the more we are drawn into the story. They are not flat and that is good, but a bit more fullness would be better.

During the sex, which is most of it, I think you should have more description. We watched this guy be beat off for a whole story, but ave no clue what his cock looks like. And her, well, we know she has tits and nipples, and a pussy, but not what they looked like. Is she shaved, trimmed, bushy? a red head? Is he dark and awesome and hairy or blond and white and pink? I think you get the idea. Use all our senses, What did the room smell like? Was there sunlight filtering through the room, etc. What about sounds? Touch? Was his cock velvety to her touch, smooth or wrinkled?

Did her tiny hand barely fit around him? etc.

I'm writing this list of annoyances as I read. If you want a list of things I like, well, heh, that's another post

* Not bad for a beginner

* Awful opening. Delete the first paragraph and transform the second paragraph into something more.

* Don't use commas as periods.

* You need an editor; your story is too dificult to follow/enjoy with your grammar as it is

* comma overuse

* I don't like your dialogue. It is as if you have particular nuggets of information you want to them to say instead of going through a natural conversation. Instead, think of each character as filter of life experience and have each character react to the other. Please note I am not teaching you how to write dialogue with one sentence of explanation. What I'm am saying is you need to try something different because I don't like your method.

* Most sentences of your dialogue has a word or two too many. And use contractions where appropriate.

* Over narration: you often have action implicit in the dialogue then explained with narration. Don't do it. Let the theatre of the mind take care of that.

Example

"Good golly, look at that," she exclaimed. (get rid of the "she exclaimed" - it is a common exclamation so you don't need to say it is so with the following narration) - the she "You're definitely cured now. Congratulations."

I did not want to hear these words so I protested with a series of "yeah buts" describing all the reasons why my impotence problem would still return (telling not showing: with the same amount of words you should have shown it happening)

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All - thanks much for your helpful feedback. I fear that as I age my composition skills fade. At one time I mastered this art but now that I read the story again, I see the errors. Seems that typing double spaced 8.5 x 11 on an electric or manual, bottle of whiteout always present, perhaps made me more attentive to detail. Who knows? Thanks again.

Re category

I wasn't sure where to put this. Started with non consent and considered incest, but many of those involve blood-relayed aunts mothers fathers insects sheep and assorted varieties of cattle. So I thought step siblings didn't quite qualify

You didn't do yourself any favors with that second author's note. In fact, it comes off as a little disrespectful to the category, which is caricatured as "whips, chains, or leather." It's like saying "I'm not like you guys, but my step-sibling story has some mild bondage, so I'm putting it in your category."

Obviously, that wasn't your intent. Better notes might have been:
1. Contains some mild bondage and domination.
2. Main characters are step-siblings, not blood relatives.

Also, I think the first paragraph shows a misunderstanding of BDSM. For one thing, I'm pretty sure it's generally called a "safe" word, and it's used not when someone is begging for climax, but for when some aspect of the BDSM scenario has pushed a participant beyond the envelope of what is comfortable and enjoyable for them. I'm a bit skeptical about the role-switching part as well, but I can't speak to that with any authority whatsoever.

I agree with litmlove on the first paragraph, but your writing there is illustrative of what you can strengthen throughout the story. It's a bunch of telling. We don't see Jen pulling against the restraints or stiffening or relaxing or sweating. We don't hear her moan or grunt. We don't know what her skin feels like as the narrator's finger travels from her neck to her navel. We don't smell her shampoo. We don't even know if she's upright or lying on her back or bent-over in some sort of stockade.

In the fifth paragraph, you begin, "You see, being somewhat reclusive...." where the reader is really the only possible "You." It doesn't work because it breaks the thin membrane between author and first-person character and sort of gives readers a wink. Maybe someone else can better express what I'm trying to say in this instance, or reassure you that it works just fine and Combat323 is full of shit. I'm always open to that possibility.

john Paul: I'd love to have my old electronic typewriter back, It had word processing capabilities and memory discs, even mail sort. The nice thing was, touch typing. I just can't get used to having to slam the keys; I am always missing strokes or double stroking. With the upgrades it took me four years to purchase, (with grant funds), I could type a letter, have it corrected, then let my typewriter select only the senior citizens from my client list and prepare envelopes and letters for all of them. While it was typing the letters and envelopes, I would be supervising my staff.

Mechanical Keyboards are a thing of beauty. I would recommend a silent action type except I don't think that is your style. Get a Cherry MX Blue, typing is fun again.

At one time I mastered this art but now that I read the story again, I see the errors.

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That is normal. Either put your writing aside for awhile or copy&paste it into a different writing application (so the text looks completely different in typeface & the formatting). Do that and also get an editor, please.