Russian dolls of vulnerability

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

Yes, most people do hide their playful side, it's definitely a perceived vulnerability. Especially in the workplace, or where you don't intimately know the people you are interacting with. People think you artless and stupid, and they tend to dismiss or underestimate you. That gets on my nerves in real life, so I tend to avoid it. Here I don't give a rat's rainbow patootie about that Go ahead, please, underestimate and dismiss me

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That makes so much sense. Being an intelligent, young looking, short person with a high pitched voice, I have lots of experience with being underestimated or not taken seriously. Fortunately having kids has changed my looks enough that I look and sound my age now.

How do others feel about vulnerability outside a monogamous relationship? Since vulnerability is such a large part of our play, I can't help but be worried it would be unfaithful to be vulnerable to another.

I tend to be playful yet very serious about getting work done and done well. Some dismiss me or hate me for the playful side. I figure that's on them. I figure maybe they don't know how to have fun. But if they underestimate me that's fine with me. I'm not in a contest at work. If they think they are I wish them well with that.

Not sure why but I tend to love people and give them the benefit of a doubt remaining somewhat vulnerable and open to them until they prove they can't be trusted.

Those that can be trusted I tend to be even more open with and therefore more vulnerable.

Sometimes I don't know my vulnerabilities until I run smack into them. Those ones piss me off. Recently I was trying for a job that would allow / necessitate me moving about five hours away from my partner and adult boomerang kids.

I've never lived on my own and feel I've missed out on that desired thing. But after the interview I had a bit of a panic attack I did not expect. This woke me to the fact I don't WANT to leave my kids and husband for a few years. Even though the goals include them in the long term. Or maybe it was the massive amount of work to move and get in that position that caused the panic. Well, it helped with the let down of not getting said position. Damn it.

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

I think we can all relate to that one!

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Thank you for saying so. That makes me feel validated.

The responses in this thread are amazing and touch on lots of issues that I think about all the time. I believe we all get underestimated, at least occasionally and for various reasons. And I don't know if underestimated equals underappreciated, but I enjoy the role.

Anyway...

"Vulnerable" is a terrifying, exhilarating, fanatastically personal paradox of a word. It can be mental or physical. It can mean willingness to be open with your feelings or opened to feeling against your will. It's baring yourself or being bared. It's the need to share yourself because you love him or being shared by them because you have no choice. It's accessible or exposed. tender or defenseless, sensitive or weak. Vulnerability is a huge gamut of human experience that at its opposite extremes boils down to giving or being taken--choosing or having no choice at all. At least that's what it means to me.

In my book, vulnerability is the incredible part of submission, and physical vulnerability is what makes my heart flutter. Without a little bit of risk involved, though, it's gotten difficult for me to feel that way anymore, kind of like playing blackjack for rocks.

Vulnerable feels different now that I'm older than it did even just a few years ago. I still have walls up but I find I'm open to admitting I need more support.

In the past, I was all about being seen as confident, successful, strong. Admitting I needed help felt weak. Showing a softer side felt like I was defenseless.

Now, I've figured out I can't do everything. Sure, showing a softer side might open me up to feel more wounded but it also opens me up to receiving more help.

When I was trying to figure all this submissive stuff out, balancing strong with submission, I was having a tough time opening up. These feelings were new: being needy, staying humble, compliant, obedient. The dominant I was with told me a burden shared is half the burden.

It took me a while to really believe it. But especially now, older and (hopefully) wiser and in the midst of some huge life changes, being vulnerable in order to let people past my emotional moat is feeling safer and more supportive.

SpunThings said:

I spend so much time trying not to be vulnerable, which is a contributing factor to my social anxiety. I've been aware of maintaining emotional walls since my teens at least. I also learned early on that makes connection with others hard, so I've been working to find a better balance since then too. I think this is why I love being so vulnerable during play time with my husband. It feels both exhilarating, and safe.

I've adopted a rule for myself that I think is related to this. That rule is to be wrong sometimes. Not so much to intentionally be wrong, but to do things that could be wrong, but that I hope will be right. It's sort of like acknowledging that it's a bit arrogant to think I can be perfect, and that I need to let people see me stumble sometimes as a necessary part of growth.

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I like that rule.

This is an intriguing topic!

Part of my struggle throughout life has been tempering vulnerability. Learning who to be vulnerable with. Learning who to limit.

As a young man I trusted widely and openly and allowed myself to be easily misused by immature and cruel people. Then I guess I built thick walls and kept everyone at arms length. That was equally destructive to me. Turned me into a rock. I was safe but hard and cold and dead.

In more recent times I've been forced to suffer a new vulnerability. I've been out of work now for more than 6 months and dependant on my wife's income and a meagre pension. It's strange and challenging not to have financial control and independance. My self esteem has also taken quite a beating. My efforts at housework are laughably inept and I find myself quite strangely vulnerable to criticism.

It won't always be like this. I learn what I need from this time and then move on.

Perhaps I seek the vulnerability of a rose. A beautiful life that brings joy but carries thorns for protection.

The world conspires to make us all better people.

Thanks!

Gianbattista said:

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Rollinbones said:

This is an intriguing topic!

Part of my struggle throughout life has been tempering vulnerability. Learning who to be vulnerable with. Learning who to limit.

As a young man I trusted widely and openly and allowed myself to be easily misused by immature and cruel people. Then I guess I built thick walls and kept everyone at arms length. That was equally destructive to me. Turned me into a rock. I was safe but hard and cold and dead.

In more recent times I've been forced to suffer a new vulnerability. I've been out of work now for more than 6 months and dependant on my wife's income and a meagre pension. It's strange and challenging not to have financial control and independance. My self esteem has also taken quite a beating. My efforts at housework are laughably inept and I find myself quite strangely vulnerable to criticism.

It won't always be like this. I learn what I need from this time and then move on.

Perhaps I seek the vulnerability of a rose. A beautiful life that brings joy but carries thorns for protection.

The world conspires to make us all better people.

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Very thoughtful perspective. It is those life changing things - job loss, illness, loss of a loved one - that (I think) fundamentally alter you and your relationship to vulnerability.

I really like the bolded part.

Elle - good advice from the GB!? That warms my heart to know... it's too full of weirdness lately!!

When I was here years ago, I felt the same. I recall more fun threads, less meanness. Maybe its my rose colored glasses.... I do enjoy reading posts there, its so random and I do see the relationships people have formed.

Talk about vulnerability though! Yup, armor and a sense of humor definitely needed.

cookiecat said:

Vulnerable feels different now that I'm older than it did even just a few years ago. I still have walls up but I find I'm open to admitting I need more support.

In the past, I was all about being seen as confident, successful, strong. Admitting I needed help felt weak. Showing a softer side felt like I was defenseless.

Now, I've figured out I can't do everything. Sure, showing a softer side might open me up to feel more wounded but it also opens me up to receiving more help.

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All this rings true for me. Especially the part in bold.

I have been thinking about Elle's nesting Russian dolls.
the layers of vulnerability.
depending on the person and the situation the layers of vulnerability are revealed in different orders. So those dolls get mixed up, or re-labeled.

I have sometimes described myself as having a tough but thin veneer that appears all confident and powerful and strong. People who do not know me well - but only know me in my professional role or in my leadership roles, sometimes find my manner off-putting. Because I am tough-minded and analytical people sometimes fail to recognize that I am deeply sensitive and their words can cut me. I may not allow you to see the blood, but this does not mean I do not bleed.

I have learned with maturity that I need to ask for help. That I cannot do everything ALL BY MYSELF - as much as I sometimes might want to.
Becoming aware of and embracing who I am as a submissive has been challenging. And amazing. And difficult. It has forced me to peel away more layers to expose that inner hard nub.

I have been trying to think about which kind of vulnerability I find most difficult ~ emotional vulnerability, physical vulnerability, personal history vulnerability. I also feel deeply vulnerable sharing what I believe - about politics and religion and other things that I care about. I think because none of these things are held lightly - they are me. And so if they are rejected, it is a a rejection of who I am. I think that each of these types of vulnerability are complicated and difficult for me in their own way. And so I push against my reticence on all of these fronts. Peeling a tiny strip away and showing a bit of my emotional vulnerability. Then working up my nerve and sharing bits of my story.

And then when so many pieces of myself are laid bare...I dare to hope that they will be treasured and not trashed. That these nuggets will be understood as gifts of faith. Never offered lightly.

I keep going back to Rollinbones post about job loss and self worth. For me, it relates a little to Furry Flurry's post about being panicked at the thought of leaving her family for an extended time if she got a new job.

We surround ourselves with friends, family, job, hobbies. It's just how it is. When you lose those things - whether it's self-imposed (ie, getting a new job or deciding to end a friendship) or not (ie getting fired, divorced, death) - the loss itself is difficult. Then comes that underlying layer of feeling exposed. Dealing with your emotions, figuring out who you'll share those with.

Then comes the realization you're not the same you... somehow, the job you had before that defined a part of you is now gone. The person in your life you lost is no longer a part of you. You have to stand without that shield.

I'm not sure if I'm making sense. Just thinking about what we have in our life that shield us from being more vulnerable and once those are taken from us, how that feels.

cascadiabound said:

<snip>
I have learned with maturity that I need to ask for help. That I cannot do everything ALL BY MYSELF - as much as I sometimes might want to.
Becoming aware of and embracing who I am as a submissive has been challenging. And amazing. And difficult. It has forced me to peel away more layers to expose that inner hard nub.
<snip?

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Love this part.

Wish I could "like" a post without reposting the entire thing.

Cryptic is ok. I'm sorry for your loss. Just like your doors, I like the idea of lighter armour that fits different for different situations. The fact you're finding pride and fun in sad/bad situations speaks to your original post of seeing vulnerability as robust and strong.



So much this. It's exactly why I'm drawn to bdsm. I enjoy being challenged, having my eyes opened to new ideas, being forced - at times - to really have to think about my position (haha, as I typed that I thought about me being on my knees....) -- about my beliefs.

You say it much more eloquently!

In thinking more about my vulnerabilities, I find that my perceived invulnerability can often times lead to great vulnerability. This is a personal think pattern which I know to be wrong, yet fall prey to again and again. To illustrate:

I see X happening to my friend, but X won't happen to me!
And if course it can, and usually does

I hate this about myself, my inability to see and shore up a vulnerable spot even when it is pointed out to me by life. Many times I do see it and take steps to protect myself, but many times I assume I am magically immune for some reason, and I get bit. I suppose mankind needs the injection of optimism, that it is crucial to our ability to rise above and persevere as a species. But sometimes, aaarrgh

Collar_N_Cuffs said:

In thinking more about my vulnerabilities, I find that my perceived invulnerability can often times lead to great vulnerability. This is a personal think pattern which I know to be wrong, yet fall prey to again and again. To illustrate:

I see X happening to my friend, but X won't happen to me!
And if course it can, and usually does

I hate this about myself, my inability to see and shore up a vulnerable spot even when it is pointed out to me by life. Many times I do see it and take steps to protect myself, but many times I assume I am magically immune for some reason, and I get bit. I suppose mankind needs the injection of optimism, that it is crucial to our ability to rise above and persevere as a species. But sometimes, aaarrgh

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I noticed that too a while ago. I think it's less to do with you and just a normal psychological mechanism to validate a sense of safety, even if it's an illogical rationalization. I mean, you see it everywhere really.

"Even if the economy crashes, it's probably only going to affect people in the cities. I'll be fine out here, even if I have a bit less to spend every month."

"I would never be stupid enough to do something like that."

Battle of Prague: 1644,
Swedish soldier 1: "There's over 20,000 other men here. What are the chances of them hitting me? I'll be fine, the guy next to me will get shot.
Guy next to him: "There's over 20,000 other men here. What are the chances of them hitting me? I'll be fine, the guy next to me will get shot.
Guy next to him:"There's over 20,000 other men here. What are the chances of them hitting me? I'll be fine, the guy next to me will get shot.