DiscoveringUtopia
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Oct 5, 2018
- Posts
- 288
that I know she's cheating without causing WWIII?
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If you really care for her..I would address it...on the flip side don’t address it...it may stop or not..in the mean time don’t go crazy and get in legal troubles...like I did...years ago..nobody is worth that trouble...if it’s a relationship...say bye-bye..if it’s a marriage...get a lawyer...been there done that!!!
Do you have enough information to know specifically when she will be cheating?
Say she's leaving the house on Saturday to visit the gym, and you're 98% certain she's actually headed for a tryst. As she's going out the door, look her square in the eye and say, "Please don't go." Similar opportunity if you call her at work just before she takes off for 'lunch' with him or 'drinks' after work.
Your message is that you know what's going on and she needs to make a decision.
If she's intent on meeting him, she'll keep walking and you've avoided a direct confrontation and started a short cooling off period. If she starts yelling when she gets home, it wasn't you that started the fight by throwing it in her face.
If she turns around, you've got an implicit confession AND chance to avoid a direct confrontation. Avoid following up with "Busted, you whore!" or other accusation. Instead, ask her to take some positive action like, "Would you be willing to work on our relationship with a counselor?"
Of course she may believe "offense is the best defense", and you should refuse to fight. Anytime she starts yelling, turn around and walk away no matter how much anger you've got inside.
Keep cool, and stick to your plan with what ever option you choose from the decision tree you've been building in your head. And if the plan requires you to take some action (e.g. lawyer, bank account, etc.) do them before you let her know she's crossed your line.
Soon to be 37 years of marriage is a long time to throw away.
Instead, ask her to take some positive action like, "Would you be willing to work on our relationship with a counselor?"
Very good points. My goal through all of this has been to remain calm. When I worked, I was in management wherever I was employed. During my most productive years I was sought out by employers that had fallen into problems with personnel. I was the guy brought in that everyone hated. When I walked in the door, my recommendations soon led to someone going home. I've had to come to the realization in recent years that I can't solve everything. That complete mind makeover has been shattering to me. For the first time in a lot of years, I don't have a plan.
- Demand civility. Always. Immediately stop when it stops, and walk away after noting the violation.
- Sometimes a speaking token helps. You can only talk when you are holding the token, and you pass it to the next speaker when are you finished.
- It's OK to call a break while you step outside into the stairwell and scream your lungs out. Got to route the frustration and anger away from the people at the meeting.
- Never use logic in an emotional argument. It's like a knife at a gun fight.
Demand civility. Hmmmm is that like military intelligence? or jumbo shrimp?
Heh. You can demand whatever you want. Demands don't go over well with most people though.
Wasn't me saying that... I was quoting. I basically stopped reading once those two words appeared.
An interesting essay on the subject: Can Civility in Society Be Regained? It begins...ci·vil·i·ty
[səˈvilədē]
NOUNformal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech.synonyms:
"I hope we can treat each other with civility and respect"
courtesy · courteousness · politeness · good manners · mannerliness · gentlemanliness · chivalry · gallantry · graciousness · consideration · respect · gentility · urbanity
Causes of the the Decline of Civility in America
We’ve all personally experienced it – rudeness and discourteous behavior of others. It might be uncivil behavior in everyday life, such as using crude language, cutting in line, and road rage on the highway. Maybe it relates to a workplace situation: other people not listening to what we say, interrupting us, or having side conversations during our presentation. It some cases it is personal, such as insults, personal attacks, and emotional put-downs. It may even be taken to an extreme with harmful consequences to one’s personal self-esteem. This includes ranting against us on social media and cyberbullying.
From the Bing (Microsoft Search Engine):
An interesting essay on the subject: Can Civility in Society Be Regained? It begins...
From the Bing (Microsoft Search Engine):
An interesting essay on the subject: Can Civility in Society Be Regained? It begins...
I wasn't referring to being civil. Believe me with everything that I'm finding out has happened I should get the fucking Nobel Prize for CIVILITY.
DEMAND is what I was referring to.