My first story on Literotica (BDSM)

My first submission was accepted today and I'd like to get as much feedback as possible. Please tell me what you think. This is a BDSM story from the submissive's perspective, enjoy!

http://www.literotica.com/s/a-pretty-thing

Hi, Marie, and welcome! I think you'll find this is a great place to work on your writing and improve your skills. I'm always happy to give a critique to anyone who asks.

The Good: Very competently written first story. You kept the pacing tight and main themes/motifs consistent (her fear he'd reject her, his cold demeanor) without too much repetition, which can be hard to do in a shorter story. Very consistent in staying with just what the narrator experienced, felt, and thought. I thought the cropping scene was particularly hot.

Needs Improvement: Since you are limited not only by the first-person perspective but by your protagonist not looking at her Dominant most of the story, it needed to be richer to be really immersive in her experience. What does she smell, taste, and feel as well as hear? There were some times when you described her counting out a blow before you described it landing, which was somewhat jarring. There's surprisingly little of what she feels when he begins to pleasure her, it's mostly focused on the action of what's happening instead.

There was a body placement mistake which seemed to be the result of not including enough description (so it's easily fixed). When she's bent over the table, he's standing to the side and has two fingers inside her, so he can't be standing any closer to her head than her shoulders, unless he has freakishly long arms. She then props her chin up and turns to look at him which...shouldn't be possible. That's not a thing a human neck can do if he is where you describe him.

Overall, I thought it was a good first effort with great bones, but it needs more meat.

Christine is a he?

robertreams said:

Christine is a he?

Click to expand...

No! If you read the story carefully it is clear that Christine is in the pluperfect; her former dome..

I give it a 3 on the Sux Scale. Its average suck. All the usual noob problems. Like, COULD FEEL = FELT.

Thank you for the feedback!

Thank you everyone (including those who posted comments to the story's webpage) for all of the feedback. Hearing that people liked the story is nice and appreciated but I also enjoying hearing from those readers who didn't like it. I wanted to give a little info about me which might shed some light on a few things.

I don't plan much when I write letting the story flow organically. Then I go back and make changes as I feel is necessary. I didn't know if this style would work so I submitted this story without having an editor look at it (I see my mistake now). But I have received much more constructive feedback than I could have ever hoped for, so again thank you!

My intention with this series is to provide little pieces of background with erotic scenes. Not everyone is going to like this style, but I can't satisfy everyone. This is my first time putting my writing out there and I truly do appreciate any and all feedback/ help.

If you have any questions for me please feel free to contact me through Lit.