Why I left Fetlife

It is what you make of it

I definitely have mixed feelings about the social aspects of both Fetlife and Literotica, but to me I guess it's about knowing what you're getting into. Like many people hand noted here, they're are a ton of fakes, flakes, and assholes on these sites (definitely more of all of those on Fet than Lit) but there are real people there too. The problem is sorting the wheat from the chaff when you're searching for something/someone, or getting noticed when you want to be found.

When i first stepped in to this online world I was quickly discouraged and disappointed by the lack of responses from my efforts. I'd see a post and think "wow it's like they're talking to me!" and I'd craft a witty charming response, often after actually reading their Fet profile (how I wish Lit had better profiles) or exploring their past posts or writing here on Lit. I hit that send button just KNOWING that they will read my message and feel me and respond immediately and we'd click and spend countless hours chatting and cumming together.

WRONG! So many unreplied to messages. Or even worse get a reply and go back and forth once or twice and then silence and curious why. It really bothered me at first - still does sometimes - but then I thought about how immense these communities are, and then began to understand how many asshole guys are out there making things toxic for everyone. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of women who play games and clearly many many many out to make a buck, but I think it's hard to be a real person here and be able to wade through all the shit hoping to find a gem.

However, I also believe there are gems out there. Just like IRL fate and comparability work their sometimes opposing magic to keep us apart or bring us together. I guess you could call it "a numbers game" in that you have to put yourself out there a lot because finding a match is never easy, but I know that it can happen. I've had some of the best relationships of my life - sexually, romantically, and even just good friends who I can share stuff with that I can't with anyone else IRL. That's why I'm still here - and there if anyone's curious, RudyGardet on Fet.

Good luck to each of you in your search for whatever...

RudyGardet said:

I definitely have mixed feelings about the social aspects of both Fetlife and Literotica, but to me I guess it's about knowing what you're getting into. Like many people hand noted here, they're are a ton of fakes, flakes, and assholes on these sites (definitely more of all of those on Fet than Lit) but there are real people there too. The problem is sorting the wheat from the chaff when you're searching for something/someone, or getting noticed when you want to be found.

When i first stepped in to this online world I was quickly discouraged and disappointed by the lack of responses from my efforts. I'd see a post and think "wow it's like they're talking to me!" and I'd craft a witty charming response, often after actually reading their Fet profile (how I wish Lit had better profiles) or exploring their past posts or writing here on Lit. I hit that send button just KNOWING that they will read my message and feel me and respond immediately and we'd click and spend countless hours chatting and cumming together.

WRONG! So many unreplied to messages. Or even worse get a reply and go back and forth once or twice and then silence and curious why. It really bothered me at first - still does sometimes - but then I thought about how immense these communities are, and then began to understand how many asshole guys are out there making things toxic for everyone. Don't get me wrong, there's plenty of women who play games and clearly many many many out to make a buck, but I think it's hard to be a real person here and be able to wade through all the shit hoping to find a gem.

However, I also believe there are gems out there. Just like IRL fate and comparability work their sometimes opposing magic to keep us apart or bring us together. I guess you could call it "a numbers game" in that you have to put yourself out there a lot because finding a match is never easy, but I know that it can happen. I've had some of the best relationships of my life - sexually, romantically, and even just good friends who I can share stuff with that I can't with anyone else IRL. That's why I'm still here - and there if anyone's curious, RudyGardet on Fet.

Good luck to each of you in your search for whatever...

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You may already know this, but your first thoughts about Lit and how you would be accepted were exactly like mine were, some 18 years ago. I lurked for a while, and read posts that I either knew I could answer or they felt like I was asking them.

I finally decided to post and I thought I would be automatically accepted as an equal, but that was far from what happened. To say it lightly, I was ignored...totally. It was just how things were. I kind of figured that the regulars didn't know me and didn't know what to say to me, so they decided to ignore me. I knew that, but it was still kind of strange, just the same.

And I should say I didn't start here in the BDSM area. I was a writer, so I decided to start at the Author's Hangout. Eventually, I was accepted there, but once I got to know this place better, I decided I should migrate to the BDSM area, because that's what my stories were about and it's also what my preferred sex was all about.

But, come to find out I was again a newbie here and ignored, yet again. There weren't that many who frequented the Author's Hangout AND the BDSM forums, so again, I was the outcast who nobody wanted to talk to.

After a while, I was kind of accepted, but there was a certain "bitch" type who frequented the BDSM groups and she was very social and well liked. Somewhere and some how, I insulted her, and I don't know how. But, what happened was she got everybody (well, all of her friends, at least) to start ignoring me again and even being hateful to me. Her hopes were that I would go away. That's how she felt.

But, I didn't go away and in actuality, she was the one who went away. She didn't go far, because I think she's still a member on Lit, but not in the BDSM forms. I never knew why she even hung out here, because she wasn't into BDSM anyway.

Well, everything turned out OK. The posters who were friends with her eventually moved on and I didn't. As you can see from my avatar starting date, I've been here for a while. The mother thread had just been retired and the Cafe hadn't yet been created. We were deciding on that then, because people were being too social on the BDSM Talk forum. That's the main reason why the Cafe was created. A place to socialize.

Anyway, it's just something that migrates as time goes along. You are first ignored and then slowly people will start talking to you and replying to your posts. Then, you are accepted, and eventually classified as a regular. Even in the Lit system, you are a newbie for a while, can't have an avatar for a while and then eventually, you can edit things in your profile. Like being accepted by other posters, it's all part of the process.

Now, with Fetlife, that place is huge, so you have to understand the process is even slower over there. It's best to know people over here who are also over there, so you kind of have somebody to help you out. And if you're lucky enough to have the same name over there, as you do here (like I do), people can get to know you better, sometimes, too.

But, in both places, there are lurkers, fakers, and wannabees who are trying to fool you at every turn. Newbies don't want to be newbies, so they lie and say they aren't newbies. Fakers don't want to be known as fakers, so they lie about it. Wannabees don't want to be on the outside looking in, so they pretend like they've been in the scene for many years.

Of course, the more you are part of all of this, the more you can tell when someone is a faker, newbie, wannabee or even those sphycopaths we all know are out there. The newbie submissives need to watch out for those people, because they are looking to eat you up...and not in a good way.

But, with all of the different types of people out in BDSM land, there are real, honest people who are living out their sexual fantasies. And some of them would like to allow you to participate, once you get to be friends. It's not always that lucky, but it can happen.

I've never understood how people thought Fetlife was turning into a sex traffic site. There might be a part of it that is doing that, but the whole site is not doing that. The same thing could be happening here. Nobody is going to admit to it, so just the rumors we hear are all we have and sometimes rumors can get out of hand.

I'd say just go with the flow and understand that anybody you are talking to on this site or on Fetlife could be a very honest person in search of meeting new people who are interested in kinky sexual encounters. But, just as easily they could be a psychopathic monster just waiting to sink his teeth into your sweet newbie body and suck the very life out of you...in his own grizzly way. And once he has hold of you, you won't have a lot to say about it all.

Interesting experiences with Lit...

My start was the same - reading stories for a few years, reading boards for a few months, then, finally, posting the first replies. But I never felt ignored here. My threads got picked up very quickly, my questions generally were answered, my answers to the questions of others were acknowledged and sometimes discussed.

Bitching... I can bite back But it is easier for a woman. A man snarling at a woman in a conversation probably will not look right no matter what she did.

And I came to the right place -- just a glance at the general forum during my "reading" stage was enough to know that I should stick to the BDSM crowd. It is ... safer here, as strange as it might sound.

My husband decided we should leave FL (that was one reason I asked if we could come back here) for several reasons. The biggest was all the wannabe Dommes and wannabe photographers.

And the lack of a decent forum.

Airka4real said:

My husband decided we should leave FL (that was one reason I asked if we could come back here) for several reasons. The biggest was all the wannabe Dommes and wannabe photographers.

And the lack of a decent forum.

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What's up with the photographers there? Looking for models or posting too many crappy pictures?

Hello there,

I am afraid to jump into the fray, but I've had a mixed experience with Fetlife. It got me where I needed to go, which was into the local scene, but I ended up with some false friends, so it wasn't so great. It's interesting how the same person can write a diary post and get thirty comments, and then the next hear crickets. I'll soon be disabling my FetLife profile because of that and the fact that I was tired of seeing the same three women (more or less) on the Kinky and Popular page. I eventually stopped looking at it, but it was always infuriating that it wasn't more diverse. So I can totally see where the OP is coming from!

satin_desires said:

Hello there,

I am afraid to jump into the fray, but I've had a mixed experience with Fetlife. It got me where I needed to go, which was into the local scene, but I ended up with some false friends, so it wasn't so great. It's interesting how the same person can write a diary post and get thirty comments, and then the next hear crickets. I'll soon be disabling my FetLife profile because of that and the fact that I was tired of seeing the same three women (more or less) on the Kinky and Popular page. I eventually stopped looking at it, but it was always infuriating that it wasn't more diverse. So I can totally see where the OP is coming from!

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This is why I stick to the fresh and pervy.

satin_desires said:

Hello there,

I am afraid to jump into the fray, but I've had a mixed experience with Fetlife. It got me where I needed to go, which was into the local scene, but I ended up with some false friends, so it wasn't so great. It's interesting how the same person can write a diary post and get thirty comments, and then the next hear crickets. I'll soon be disabling my FetLife profile because of that and the fact that I was tired of seeing the same three women (more or less) on the Kinky and Popular page. I eventually stopped looking at it, but it was always infuriating that it wasn't more diverse. So I can totally see where the OP is coming from!

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I guess I can't relate. There are hundreds of kinky people in my local area on Fetlife.

The strange thing is not one of them are on Lit.

AnnieLit said:

What's up with the photographers there? Looking for models or posting too many crappy pictures?

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More like "hey, I've got a great idea-
Come to my house and take off your clothes, maybe play with sex toys,
I'll take photos and I won't charge you a THING
(cause that's what a nice guy I am)"

Airka4real said:

More like "hey, I've got a great idea-
Come to my house and take off your clothes, maybe play with sex toys,
I'll take photos and I won't charge you a THING
(cause that's what a nice guy I am)"

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:
I am contemplating the same idea for a few years now and this is the reason why I don't even try. Because anything I can say will sound exactly like this. Well, I am not a guy and actually am a photographer (in a completely different area), but other than that

PS: he missed the "I will ask you to sign the model release form in exchange for the photos" part

AnnieLit said:

this is the reason why I don't even try. Because anything I can say will sound exactly like this.

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Yep.


.

DemiAngora said:

My problem with Fetlife is the exact same problem the modern society has today. Gluttony. Just fucking enjoy your lollipop for few minutes before you decide to stick 10 lollipops in your mouth.

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Love this!!

I recently deactivated my FetLife account because it seems like people just collect followers and "friends" for the sake of having them. Any time I found something interesting posted by someone else and liked it, or began to follow them, I immediately received a message asking for a hook up. Though I get that here from time to time, I find my interactions with other's on Lit have been much more enjoyable and I've gotten to know many wonderful people.

DemiAngora said:

Where do I start? First, not everybody can acess Fetlife. You have to have an account. Then if someone copies your text, it is impossible to be pasted anywhere because of a special protection software. Third, private settings are phenomenal: you decide who reads your story and who has access to your profile.

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I was on Fetlife years ago and quit because there seems to be an abundance of prudes. When I recently tried to get back in, they wouldn't allow it. They said "maybe" if I gave a cellphone/text number. Not worth it.

tmock said:

I was on Fetlife years ago and quit because there seems to be an abundance of prudes. When I recently tried to get back in, they wouldn't allow it. They said "maybe" if I gave a cellphone/text number. Not worth it.

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That's a standard account protection protocol these days. Has absolutely nothing to do with who and how uses the site.

Airka4real said:

Yep.


.

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And yet in two months since then I found few brilliant photographers there and now regularly enjoy their work. Found few so-so photographers as well -- followed them for a bit and then dropped them, because I did not like images they post.

i joined there recently, seems ok so far. the chat system is a lot better, at least. i did mention to one woman i was submisive, and she immediately asked if i wanted to come to a club night and submit to her, which was incredibly full on and fast.
im also a bit self conscious about uploading a pic, and few people will talk to you unless you have one, makes it feel a bit more like a facebook than a forum like this...

ChasBozwell30 said:

im also a bit self conscious about uploading a pic, and few people will talk to you unless you have one, makes it feel a bit more like a facebook than a forum like this...

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Try to come up with an image that shows enough of you to get a general idea - short/fat/bald vs tall/in shape/with great hair.
It does not have to be a nude, it does not need to show your face. Think about what you really like to do (besides sex ) and come up with a way to show you doing that. Reading? Cooking? Fixing cars? Whatever it is take a picture of you doing that and you yourself will be much more likely to like it.

My avatar there is mostly a picture of a wide-brimmed hat. Took it because we were putting together a kids show and needed inventory of props. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex or kink, but I like it and it's enough to show that I am actually a woman, as nobody would put something like that on a fake account. You can look it up, I use the same username there.

Fetlife is a useful tool

I am on Fetlife for the content but not the popular content. Sometimes someone posts a gem worth reading. As a reader, that satisfies me. Also it's the only way to find out about the local kink events in my area without giving out my personal phone number.

PrisonerOfDoubt said:

without giving out my personal phone number.

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Burner app solves this problem -- for $3 a month you get an additional phone line on your regular cell. It is an app, works either through wifi or your normal network provider, but not directly through any phone company, so it is not listed anywhere and you can register it with any name you want.
It can be traced by police if they have a court order, because you have to give your real phone number to activate the app, but that's the only way I can see this can get back to you. That is if you are paying for it gift cards

AnnieLit said:

Try to come up with an image that shows enough of you to get a general idea - short/fat/bald vs tall/in shape/with great hair.
It does not have to be a nude, it does not need to show your face. Think about what you really like to do (besides sex ) and come up with a way to show you doing that. Reading? Cooking? Fixing cars? Whatever it is take a picture of you doing that and you yourself will be much more likely to like it.

My avatar there is mostly a picture of a wide-brimmed hat. Took it because we were putting together a kids show and needed inventory of props. It has absolutely nothing to do with sex or kink, but I like it and it's enough to show that I am actually a woman, as nobody would put something like that on a fake account. You can look it up, I use the same username there.

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thanks, i'll think about that. so many people on there are so overtly sexual, that you feel like you have to go all out, and maybe you're not ready to!

i've also put a few erotic stories on fetlife, never been able to work out how to upload on lit, so it was just easier...!

No mater what the forum, things are going to be different for men and women. Men will find it more difficult to be friended, because most fakes seem to be men. It just takes a while for people to warm up to you.

Women have it easier, in a way, because, well, because they are women. But, they also have it more difficult because they will get a lot of attention from strange men. And some strange men can be pretty strange...and creepy.

To have some strange man contact you and say he wants to be your dom or maybe he wants to help you learn the ropes of BDSM can be a bit creepy. Unfortunately, because many women are joining these forums to find a sexual partner, they might enjoy the attention at first. But after a while, they find many of these men are really cookie cutters of the last 10 who contacted them, and each one feels like he's special and you should let him show you why he's so special.

Men don't have this problem. Oh, I've had women contact me and want to talk and some want me to talk dirty to them. But, I'm not into roll play or on line relationships so it's not my thing. I know that's unfortunate, because it can be fun for a while, but because it never changes from online to real life, it's just not that satisfying.

If I meet someone who lives in my area, I might find it fun to chat with them and talk dirty, but ultimately, I'm going to want that physical relationship. It's just how I am.

DVS said:

No mater what the forum, things are going to be different for men and women. Men will find it more difficult to be friended, because most fakes seem to be men. It just takes a while for people to warm up to you.

Women have it easier, in a way, because, well, because they are women. But, they also have it more difficult because they will get a lot of attention from strange men. And some strange men can be pretty strange...and creepy.

To have some strange man contact you and say he wants to be your dom or maybe he wants to help you learn the ropes of BDSM can be a bit creepy. Unfortunately, because many women are joining these forums to find a sexual partner, they might enjoy the attention at first. But after a while, they find many of these men are really cookie cutters of the last 10 who contacted them, and each one feels like he's special and you should let him show you why he's so special.

Men don't have this problem. Oh, I've had women contact me and want to talk and some want me to talk dirty to them. But, I'm not into roll play or on line relationships so it's not my thing. I know that's unfortunate, because it can be fun for a while, but because it never changes from online to real life, it's just not that satisfying.

If I meet someone who lives in my area, I might find it fun to chat with them and talk dirty, but ultimately, I'm going to want that physical relationship. It's just how I am.

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Thanks for your perspective! I couldn't have said it any better. I'm the same way regarding online relationships. If it can't eventually lead to something physical then I don't see the point. It's nice to get to know people, but online play is not satisfying in general to me.

DVS said:

If I meet someone who lives in my area, I might find it fun to chat with them and talk dirty, but ultimately, I'm going to want that physical relationship. It's just how I am.

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Ha! How about strange men that are in the same area, know that I am open to a physical interaction (well, at least they are told so, whether or not they believe me, I don't know), but still want to rush into it without much of prior word play?