Cliche poems

Angeline said:

A ballad is a form composed of quatrains. In a ballad the meter of the quatrains is prescribed as well as the rhyme scheme.

Click to expand...

Ballad meter also typically alternates tetrameter and trimeter lines, either rhymed ABAB or ABCB (i.e., the second and fourth lines are rhymed, the first and third are not):Coleridge here is writing accentual verse (only stresses count), but the rhythm is still 4/3/4/3.

Tzara said:

Ballad meter also typically alternates tetrameter and trimeter lines, either rhymed ABAB or ABCB (i.e., the second and fourth lines are rhymed, the first and third are not):

It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
'By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner​

Coleridge here is writing accentual verse (only stresses count), but the rhythm is still 4/3/4/3.

Click to expand...

That poem was the bane of my senior English class in high school. Maybe I'll read it again these many years later to try and appreciate the craft. I found it horribly boring and depressing at the time. Maybe it was Mr. Alito's fault. The right teacher usually can help one see the greatness in a poem. Also I never really caught on to the Romantic poets although I suppose Coleridge was different from the others, metaphysical in a different way.

Angeline said:

A quatrain is a four-line stanza with end-rhymes, usually alternating ones like ABAB.

A ballad is a form composed of quatrains. In a ballad the meter of the quatrains is prescribed as well as the rhyme scheme.

Click to expand...

Tzara said:

Ballad meter also typically alternates tetrameter and trimeter lines, either rhymed ABAB or ABCB (i.e., the second and fourth lines are rhymed, the first and third are not):

It is an ancient Mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three.
'By thy long grey beard and glittering eye,
Now wherefore stopp'st thou me?

Samuel Taylor Coleridge, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner​

Coleridge here is writing accentual verse (only stresses count), but the rhythm is still 4/3/4/3.

Click to expand...

Now I'm lost because as far as I can see from what you've said #11 has the rhyme scheme of a Ballad. having the 2nd and 4th lines rhyming.

UnderYourSpell said:

Now I'm lost because as far as I can see from what you've said #11 has the rhyme scheme of a Ballad. having the 2nd and 4th lines rhyming.

Click to expand...

Ballad is a more specific term. Quatrain means a four-line stanza. It also usually implies an end-rhyme pattern of ABAB or ABCB. There is not usually any implication about a particular metrical pattern, though. Ballad is a four-line stanza rhymed ABAB or ABCD, but it also implies alternating tetrameter and trimeter lines.

Think of it is being similar to the terms quadrilateral and square; all squares are quadrilaterals, but not all quadrilaterals are squares (some are rectangles or trapezoids).

And, yes, "The Milkmaid's Fortune" looks to me to fit the requirements for ballad stanza--four-line stanzas rhymed ABCB, alternating tetrameter and trimeter lines (though in accentual meter). The designation "quatrain" is correct, though not as specific as it might have been.

Tzara said:

Ballad is a more specific term. Quatrain means a four-line stanza. It also usually implies an end-rhyme pattern of ABAB or ABCB. There is not usually any implication about a particular metrical pattern, though. Ballad is a four-line stanza rhymed ABAB or ABCD, but it also implies alternating tetrameter and trimeter lines.

Think of it is being similar to the terms quadrilateral and square; all squares are quadrilaterals, but not all quadrilaterals are squares (some are rectangles or trapezoids).

And, yes, "The Milkmaid's Fortune" looks to me to fit the requirements for ballad stanza--four-line stanzas rhymed ABCB, alternating tetrameter and trimeter lines (though in accentual meter). The designation "quatrain" is correct, though not as specific as it might have been.

Click to expand...

Thank you

I'll have a really hectic day tomorrow so I'm jumping the gun by a few hours and posting the names + plus their poems tonight.



1 greenmountaineer -

Cliché: - Time heals all wounds.


La Symphonie Pathétique

The violinists, it seems to me,
lament Tchaikovsky's suffering,

the why they close their eyes when they play.
We may have to hear but don't have to see.

She left last week. Get over it,
period, end of sentence, Ben.

Time heals all wounds you said,
sitting next to an empty seat.

Oh, how discreet the envelop there,
and I could guess what was beneath

the flap whose letter to me began
without a "Dear" before the "Ben."

Form: heroic couplet

Edited Version

Beethoven’s Ninth, Fourth Movement

Yes, time does heal all wounds to my relief.
There is no longer wound to heal, nor grief.

No more do violinists scrape their bows
upon my heartstrings, frayed, worn thin, exposed,

when desperate I'd do most anything,
for I was but a puppet on her string,

Pinocchio. Oh how my nose would grow
when music was in minor scales of woe.

What once was fugue is now a symphony
and once mere sound now notes of harmony

when all Beethoven's magic strings float by.
Why even kettledrums and trombones fly!




2 Underyourspell –

Cliché – down in the mouth


Down in the mouth
________________________________________
I thought you were mine to lose,
like each glass of wine,
a holy communion of kindred souls
but it was only
an intoxication of words,
the sweet spice that seasons my honey.
And now? Such a deep longing
for your lips on mine.
.....................................................
Cliché – down in the mouth

Edited version

Form - A pantoum

In my dream he lay on the shore
like flotsam thrown by the sea,
held close to my bosom, before
I sang my siren song of the free.

Like flotsam thrown by the sea
and claimed to be now my own,
I sang my siren song of the free,
him the North wind had blown

and claimed to be now my own
by closing my mouth round his cock
him the North wind had blown.
My blow had him soon hard as rock!

By closing my mouth round his cock,
held close to my bosom, before
my blow had him soon hard as rock.
In my dream he lay on the shore.





3 Down4fun91 –

Cliché – Better late than never

"Patience in Delay" - contemporary Haiku

Chance of sweet release
an unknown destination
keeps her toes curling.


"Nullify" Free form poem

The way he walks
He stands so tall
But no one can see
He's about to fall.

The news he just heard,
the way he is feeling
He's pushing it out
To elevate like a ceiling

She can't be unfaithful
He knocks on the door
She opens it up.
He screams at her "WHORE!"

She stares blank like a cow
chewing slow through a cud
Who could have told him
his best friend or the stud?

He grabs all his bags
He vacates from her house
Gone now are his thoughts
Of her as his spouse

She cries when he leaves
He hears nothing still
He feels deep in his gut
A familiar chill.

Who was it who told him?
It wasn't just chance
Everyone he accused
had gotten in her pants.

He heard the remark
From a friend now turned foe
They just got into it
He'd called her a hoe.

He ignored every sign
before fate caused the sever
it stung even worse now
was it better late than never?

A knife in the heart
A hole in his pride
He wants to feel numb
Avoid pain inside.

He picks up a pen,
He writes it all down
He wipes away tears
His sorrows will drown.





4 GuiltyPleasure -

Cliché – to eat crow

Eat Crow - Sestina


The menu is roast crow
and the meal is mean.
I, the cook, am sorry
but we are not too poor
to pull up chairs, sit and eat
like all those rich folk do.

So come, sit, eat, do
as I ask and you will crow
with pleasure. We’ll eat,
that’s what I mean,
pretend we’re not poor
even if the meal is, sorry.

I am aware of our sorry
state but we make do,
steak is for the rich, not poor,
What road kill’s on offer? Crow
today. It’s hard not to feel mean
but poor as we are, we must eat.

You’re hungry enough to eat
a horse or two I know, sorry.
Pretend this bird, in the mean-
time, is steak or roast turkey, do
try, and not just scrawny crow.
Make like we are wealthy not poor.

I know we’re in a very poor
state when all we have to eat
is found food like this crow
and, as I serve it, I am sorry
but there’s nothing else to do.
Please don’t think me mean.

Let me tell you. It is no mean
feat to scrounge and make this poor
fare, somehow, into gourmet like I do.
So please sit down and eat
or, by my life, you will be sorry
and ultimately end up eating crow

all over again. I don’t feel poor
really but I do feel sorry when crow is
the mean diet that we must eat.


Eating Crow

It is hard not to swallow
without gagging or choking
on the feathers of discredit
or the brittle bones of contention.
Dented ego, the pummelled pride
is the case of aversion that follows.

The unintended insult
thoughtlessly blurted never to be
retrieved, the graceless giggle
at the grave-side or at other earnest events;
the unforgivable extravagance
unexpectedly exposed, all require
a collation of crow.

The bogus boastful claim uncovered.
The lie laid bare so if you care,
eat crow. Grudges grown old mean
a mutual meal but crow grown cold
makes a detestable dinner.






5 Underyourspell -

Cliché – Young and foolish

Young and foolish?
________________________________________
Form - Reverse Sestina!

Ah yes, what it is
to remember and
be back when I was
young, confident
and didn't know how
foolish I was being.

Foolish enough alright
ah, but those heady
and far away days
to go where only the
young could play and
be uncaring of danger.

Be there, only now in
foolish dreams of those
young carefree moments.
Ah, if you only knew,
to look at me now
and wonder what I did.

And what did I do?
Be certain I lived my life
to the hilt but really
foolish beyond the norm.
Ah my Mother never knew her
young daughter's ways!

Young me it must be said
(and others too)
Ah, they led me astray, would
be out there making
foolish decisions
to pass our time!

To work hard, play hard,
young girl's ways were
foolish, yet such fun
and I've scars in proof,
be well aware.
Ah yes I remember.

If I was to tell those escapades and
the young of today would be
asking "You that foolish?" Ah yes!

..........................................................................


This poem is very short because
writing the other stretched
my brain cells just that little
bit too far. I was old and
Foolish!






6 Tzara –

The cliché is "cold shoulder":

Necrophilia

When finally I woke
from those thick, sluggish dreams,
he was already dead. The friar

who assisted us had left in fear.
Then I heard a noise,
found the dagger near,

and laid myself on his cold shoulder,
sheathed the blade hilt deep
in my heart. One last freezing kiss.

I thought I noticed some rust
on the blade.
How apt.



Ambition - Triolet

This ingénue is getting older
And looking for more senior rôles,
Like Macbeth's Lady—whose cold shoulder,
Some ingénues who're getting older
Aspire to the chops and smolder
That consummate their acting goals.

(An ingénue, when getting older,
Is looking for more senior rôles.)






7 greenmountaineer –
Cliché: Holier than thou

I'm Holier Than Thou Art, Friend

That would've got him a shiner
back at the stockyard in Chicago,
but here we are in an empty box car
at midnight half the distance to Kansas.

He said it with a twinkle in his eye,
offering me a cigarette
from a crumpled pack with just two left,
worth a few minutes of my time

to hear "The name's Ben. What's yours?
Been tramping these rails since '32,
lost my job, the wife heads east.
Betcha got a story too, my friend."

I did. We talked 'til 3 am.
So Ben, he pulls out a needle and thread
before some shut eye and says again,
"I'm holier than thou art, Friend."

"Now I get it," I says to Ben
but something else felt warm inside
like O Holy Night snowflakes that fell
until the morning's shoveling of shit

when we earned some bits in Topeka
for a pack of Camels to share
with coffee and some breaking of bread
before heading south with my new friend, Ben.


Form poem: curtal sonnet

Mission Street Curtal Sonnet

They transubstantiate him more and more.
It wouldn't matter, Lou, if he were Jason
Or Jesse, Man, their black and white lies sprayed
With quotes on poster boards. They look to score
More goats to banish from their nation.
Ain't nothing like another new crusade.

LEVITICUS 18 VERSE 22
REPENT! IT IS AN ABOMINATION!

Here comes the holier than thou parade.
For Christ's sake, Lou. They think this is how you
Praise Him.






8 GuiltyPleasure –

Cliché - About face.

Military Precision A Cinquain

Left, right!
Quick march. Slow, halt.
Mark time! By the right, dress.
Attention! About face. Stand down.
Dismissed.



Making Faces

Plastic surgeon

This is where the money is,
rich bitch or conceited dude.
Only the well heeled need apply
to seek a younger look with
nose jobs, Botox, face lifts,
all at face value. Let’s face it,
sometimes, in the mirror a
face falls, disappointed. It’s
time for a brave face, a game
face. Time to face the music
and age gracefully, fly in the
face of father time. Those
who can’t suffer the loss
of face return to me to stare
ageing in the face again.

Reconstructive surgeon

Did you know that less
avaricious surgeons are
able to peel a discarded face
from the freshly dead (a face off?)
and gently, with infinite care,
drape it over the skeletal structure
of a face destroyed by disease
or disaster, a face that made
children cry and adults gasp?
The surgeons stoop and
stitch, their magnified eyes
studied above medical masks.
(saving face?) Let us face facts,
this is a face plant of a different kind.

Make-up Artist

Make up used to be the
only way to create movie
monsters. Lon Chaney lost
years sitting in my chair
while I glued facial hair
to his forehead. Boris
Karloff’s bandages peeled
away from my make-up
corruption. Bela Lugosi
and Christopher Lee called
for heavy mascara, fangs
and fake blood. I loved
them all for their long
suffering patience, for their
devotion to their chosen art.
Now Gollum is more green
screen than pancake and
zombies are mass produced
with no finesse. The stage is
my last bastion, my refuge,
where ingénues become Cats
and Norma Desmond descends
once more, ready for her close-up..






9 Underyourspell –

Cliché -When Luck runs out

A Triolet

The more I think about all of it,
luck ran out intertwined with my muse.
You'd think it'd be easy all of this shit,
the more I think about all of it.
This line goes here, followed by this bit,
now get this right and I can't lose.
(but) the more I think about all of it,
luck ran out intertwined with my muse.

................................................

I wonder if my luck started
to trickle away, bit by bit,
over the years since I lost you.
Not noticeable at first, but
gradually it dawned on me,
letting you go, cut my lifeline,
bleeding out my dreams.




10 AlwaysHungry

- Cliché - the devil's in the details

Revised version

The way her faint florescence with its almond overtones
encounters a more womanly aroma, seeping
languorously into the humid
atmosphere
that cloaks her hot proximity
the devil is in the details
that calculated tilting of the hips
an audacious shocking sentiment
uttered at the perfect instant
her wickedness is better than bliss.


Form - Terza Rima

Her faint florescence, almond overtones,
And how they blend with scents more womanly
That seep from places in her lovely zones

And linger in her hot proximity --
The devil's in the details, so they say,
And she contrives a certain piquancy,

A sinful twist that she brings into play:
The calculated lifting of the hips
That thrills me in a most surprising way,

The bold transgressions of her fingertips,
The shocking places she is wont to kiss,
The scorching words escaping from her lips;

I love my lover's gifted wickedness,
For it transports me better than all bliss.





11 Champagne1982 –

Cliché – Crying over spilt milk

Let It Go

It seems quite trivial now,
all the sorrow and regret
for those things we can't undo.
Maybe we should have thought
more about our actions
and considered the things we said.
Planned our path and road mapped
the detours and bumps on the way,
before stumbling about in the dark.
Set in motion there's no going back,
no changing our mind for our tears,
and darling it really makes no sense
that you wish for a different result.
Now stop crying over spilt milk.

The Milkmaid's Fortune (quatrains)

It dripped in pools, pale yellow in richness,
and filling the seams in the floor.
The milkmaid worried, brow creased in a frown
when she saw the cook at the door.

The butt'ry cream for the churn was all gone
the bucket upended and spilt
the kittens were purring, quite glad and content
and lapped til their bellies were filled.

The biscuits and butter no more could be served
with the beef and vegetable soup
The cook howled and raged at the poor girl's luck
while her spirits visibly drooped

The butler laughed and told Cook to make do,
as he straightened his tie of silk,
"Yesterday's butter will work in a pinch,
do stop crying, over spilt milk”






12 Tzara - Cliché: Fit to be tied.

Please Respond to Dominique, Box 157

The little notices she placed
in the back pages
of select magazines

never quite spelled out
the range of services
she offered. One doesn't say

such things too plainly
as that might disturb
the fantasy,

and she was used to reading
each client's particular desires
when they arrived,

eyes downcast
for the session. She knew
the one important, most important,

thing: Men are simply rope.
Pliable, easily coiled,
and always fit to be tied.


Form poem (nonce form based on anapests):

Fifty Shades of Grey: The Prequel
In which Mr. Grey learns the ropes

She was fit to be tied.
He was quick to oblige
and secured her to these iron railings.

With a flick of his lash,
she then twitched as a gash
in her skin was split open by flailing.

Then he threw the whip down
with a cry and he frowned—
not so Dominant with his face paling.

She said, "Christian! OK,
it's a little rough play,
but it thrills me, so cut out the wailing!"

So old Chris settled back,
put his mind back on track,
and got started back in on her whaling.





13 GuiltyPleasure –

Cliché – Getting Laid

Form - Limerick

There once was a virginal maid
Who said “I just have to get laid!”
Men swarmed at the news
But she couldn’t choose
So a lesbian came to her aid.

The Egg’s Perspective

Some people think we are pooped
out by the hen but we have our own
portal through which to enter
the world. Our creator might sit,
keep us warm until a chick is born.
More often, once we’re laid, humans
raid the nest and the rest you already know.
You boil us, soft and hard, fry us
in a knob of lard, scramble our golden
yolk. Bottom line, no one’s ever been
known to choke on an egg.






14 Angeline –

Cliché - Acid Test


Acid Test (Terza Rima)

What color are the dots where you are now?
They're blue; sometimes they're too small.
Then in another room someone says "Wow,

Ben Franklin's head is moving on that wall."
The 7-UP tastes icy green but blurred.
Your socks are in the freezer rolled in a ball,

while in the mirror uh oh someone sees a bird
and I've just seen a face. (Who was that guy?)
Everywhere are voices. I can't catch the words.

I'm busy thinking Lucy is a goddess in the sky
talking to the trees that dance outside the glass.
The dead are loud and grateful. So am I

wavering and waxing as unknown hours pass
falling with the music, colors, rising light:
here comes the Sun, waking up the grass.

**********************

Acid Test

I can't imagine
what control group could count us
normal. We're all skewed. One marriage
broke up when he found a slinky thing;
so did Cindy and her crazy husband
Ming. Bette was on her own years before
our time, but you always said everything
is fine, just fine. We're still together
so we must be fine.

Kate's a feminist, a survivor
of the wars. She says comes a time
when you have to hit the wall:
you can't sustain your balance. You fall.
I tried for years beyond my knowing:
past the lies, that broken chair. I know
what it's like to live with despair.
Every point on the plot jerked me down,
every point like a suppurating sore
and Kate was right, came a time
I couldn't do it anymore.

There is no single moment, no
one sure acid test to prove the theorem
of our sad significance. Every point
a snapshot that I'd rather not review
is plotted on a line that slips
and slithers off the page, the findings
clear only now here in the chill
of longitude.

I just read them all again and this was a great challenge GP that elicited excellent poems. I have to read them again (and again) to let my ideas about them form. A few comments:

I still need to revise both of mine. They are pretty much first drafts (cause I'm such an effin procrastinator!), but I need to change up the terza rima somewhat. It doesn't flow well, especially at the end. The free form just needs a bunch of cutting. I had a hard time tying the idea of an acid test to that of statistical significance--maybe I need to lose some of that statistics verbiage.

PoeTess you wrote a sestina, you wyld woman! Then I looked at your second pair and saw the cliche poem and thought "Well after that sestina she was probably too frazzled for a longer poem." (Sorry if I'm projecting lol.) I adore both your free verse poems, especially Eating Crow, which is totally ready for prime time imho. The alliterations and repetitions of "un" words make the read flow with an edgy lyricism. By the time I got to "graceless giggle/at the grave-side" I was in your thrall!

GM, perhaps I am wrong, but three of your four poems seem thematically connected to me. Ben shows up in the heroic couplets (my favorite of that first pair), which reads almost like a ghazal to me. Maybe that's because the couplets mostly stand on their own. And I like the way the poem makes that shift into a personal story by the third couplet. I read its partner poem as delving into Ben's state of mind, post letter. I think that poem deserves a stronger ending, but maybe those last two lines show Ben as boastful... . Then in your second pair (which I immediately id'd as yours), we see Ben maybe much later. You're good at combining storytelling and poetry and that poem is a fine example. Love the joke on the theme, too. Your sonnet is excellent, too. Ain't nothin' like another Crusade, indeed!

I'll be back for more. I'm all typed out at the moment.

Thank you so much for this challenge, I wanted to do more but was greedy enough as it was! I was pretty sure you were the real Sestina and could kick myself for not saying so. Sorry folks I don't think there is such a thing as a Reverse Sestina, perhaps I just invented it ...... aha that gives me an idea The double Sestina'. Not sure if even I am that crazy I was kicking back at liberties taken with an Acrostic in a former challenge!

For what it's worth, the only change to #1 was in the title of the 2nd poem from "Ode to Joy" to "Beethoven's Ninth, Fourth Movement" as a result of AH's critique, but I didn't do it without a lot of back and forth conversations with myself.

Many I believe would think of Beethoven before they would Schiller who wrote the poem upon which the last movement is based. However, I recall what a frequent participant to PF&D, Emp607, once wrote(Pardon me if I got the number wrong; it's been a while since he posted). He made the point that poetry ought to be precise. I'm not opposed to breaking a rule if it serves a purpose, but in the end, I didn't see the title contributed much to the notion of joy because the body of the poem addressed that.

greenmountaineer said:

Many I believe would think of Beethoven before they would Schiller who wrote the poem upon which the last movement is based.

Click to expand...

FWIW, Beethoven simply took some excerpts from Schiller's poem and reconfigured them to suit his musical ideas. Schiller's poem is fantastic and everyone should read it in German. I have often contemplated translating it, but I backed away ever time because I feel it can't be translated accurately while retaining the rhyme and meter. Look for a good literal translation.

Some Schiller poems lend themselves better to a rhymed and metered translation. This is one of my efforts that I think is relatively successful.

AlwaysHungry said:

FWIW, Beethoven simply took some excerpts from Schiller's poem and reconfigured them to suit his musical ideas. Schiller's poem is fantastic and everyone should read it in German. I have often contemplated translating it, but I backed away ever time because I feel it can't be translated accurately while retaining the rhyme and meter. Look for a good literal translation.

Some Schiller poems lend themselves better to a rhymed and metered translation. This is one of my efforts that I think is relatively successful.

Click to expand...

My browser offered to translate the original for me so I had a look at what that made of it!

UnderYourSpell said:

My browser offered to translate the original for me so I had a look at what that made of it!

Click to expand...

I use Chrome, and it made the same helpful offer. Computers are really good with poetry.

Sorry UYS.....

....but the line 4 V2 and line 3 in V3 still rankles with me. Shouldn't "him" be "he" to be grammatically correct? I've tried re-writing that line but with "blown" as the rhyme it's impossible. How about "he went where the north wind had blown"?

Form - A pantoum


In my dream he lay on the shore
like flotsam thrown by the sea,
held close to my bosom, before
I sang my siren song of the free.

Like flotsam thrown by the sea
and claimed to be now my own,
I sang my siren song of the free,
him the North wind had blown

and claimed to be now my own
by closing my mouth round his cock
him the North wind had blown.
My blow had him soon hard as rock!

By closing my mouth round his cock,
held close to my bosom, before
my blow had him soon hard as rock.
In my dream he lay on the shore.

Angeline said:

I just read them all again and this was a great challenge GP that elicited excellent poems. I have to read them again (and again) to let my ideas about them form. A few comments:

I still need to revise both of mine. They are pretty much first drafts (cause I'm such an effin procrastinator!), but I need to change up the terza rima somewhat. It doesn't flow well, especially at the end.......

Click to expand...

I can't say that I agree with that, Angie. I thought it was a wonderful poem, light-hearted and nostalgic. I particularly liked the several allusions to popular music and the way you integrated them into the narrative.

Although I'm partal to free verse, I've been experimenting with more formal poetry of late, having been somewhat inspired by Dana Gioia, and am working on a terza rima, which I find very challenging. My understanding is iambic pentameter is preferred, and I noticed that wasn't always present in "Acid Test." Is that an accepted practice or a matter of "rules are meant to be broken?" I don't think I ever wrote a terza rima before, so I'm curious to know.

Angeline said:

...I need to change up the terza rima somewhat. It doesn't flow well, especially at the end.

Click to expand...

Your poem is mostly in iambic pentameter, but the lines that deviate from that cause me to stumble. I don't know whether philosophically you prefer metric uniformity or not, but in the event that you do, I might offer some suggestions.

greenmountaineer said:

I can't say that I agree with that, Angie. I thought it was a wonderful poem, light-hearted and nostalgic. I particularly liked the several allusions to popular music and the way you integrated them into the narrative.

Although I'm partal to free verse, I've been experimenting with more formal poetry of late, having been somewhat inspired by Dana Gioia, and am working on a terza rima, which I find very challenging. My understanding is iambic pentameter is preferred, and I noticed that wasn't always present in "Acid Test." Is that an accepted practice or a matter of "rules are meant to be broken?" I don't think I ever wrote a terza rima before, so I'm curious to know.

Click to expand...

AlwaysHungry said:

Your poem is mostly in iambic pentameter, but the lines that deviate from that cause me to stumble. I don't know whether philosophically you prefer metric uniformity or not, but in the event that you do, I might offer some suggestions.

Click to expand...

Thank you both. The poem was originally all iambic pentameter, but I didn't like some of the rhymes and wanted to add another triplet and things got messy. I'm open to suggestions but I do want to keep the song references. Actually I want to send that poem to an old friend who will get all the references lol.

I'm not opposed to keeping the meter if I can also keep the mood the same.

Hmmm -- there are probably song lyrics that I don't recognize, because I missed everything after the 70s. I started work on it, but then I kept wondering if the change I wanted to make would mar a quote, so I'm at an impasse.

AlwaysHungry said:

Hmmm -- there are probably song lyrics that I don't recognize, because I missed everything after the 70s. I started work on it, but then I kept wondering if the change I wanted to make would mar a quote, so I'm at an impasse.

Click to expand...

I've Just Seen A Face
Here Comes The Sun (both Beatles songs, pre 1970)

Also Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds is referenced but more implicity.

I referenced the Grateful Dead, but not a specific song or lyric.

Angeline said:

I've Just Seen A Face
Here Comes The Sun (both Beatles songs, pre 1970)

Also Lucy In The Sky With Diamonds is referenced but more implicity.

I referenced the Grateful Dead, but not a specific song or lyric.

Click to expand...

Cool. So I actually recognized all the quotes. I'll take a crack at this later tonight.

AlwaysHungry said:

Cool. So I actually recognized all the quotes. I'll take a crack at this later tonight.

Click to expand...

If you want, AH. I'm probably going to keep it at arm's length for this week at least as I probably won't get time to work on it. I appreciate the offer. And I thought you'd have to know those songs, so wasn't sure what you meant.

Angeline said:

If you want, AH. I'm probably going to keep it at arm's length for this week at least as I probably won't get time to work on it. I appreciate the offer. And I thought you'd have to know those songs, so wasn't sure what you meant.

Click to expand...

Yeah, I'm a walking encyclopedia on the 60s and 70s. The pop culture and I parted ways in 1979, and so it remained until I started getting itchy guitar fingers about 6 years ago.

Tinkering with Angeline's meter.


Acid Test (Terza Rima)

What color are the dots where you are now?
They're blue, and sometimes (so they say) too small.
Then in another room someone says "Wow,

Ben Franklin's head is moving on that wall."
The 7-UP tastes icy green but blurred.
Your socks are in the freezer in a ball,

while in the mirror uh oh there's a bird
and I've just seen a face. (Who was that guy?)
And voices everywhere -- can't catch the words.

So Lucy is a goddess in the sky
Who talks to the trees that dance outside the glass.
The dead are loud and grateful. So am I,

I wax and waver as the hours pass
and fall with music, colors, rising light:
here comes the Sun, and with it wakes the grass.

**********************

GuiltyPleasure said:

....but the line 4 V2 and line 3 in V3 still rankles with me. Shouldn't "him" be "he" to be grammatically correct? I've tried re-writing that line but with "blown" as the rhyme it's impossible. How about "he went where the north wind had blown"?

Form - A pantoum


In my dream he lay on the shore
like flotsam thrown by the sea,
held close to my bosom, before
I sang my siren song of the free.

Like flotsam thrown by the sea
and claimed to be now my own,
I sang my siren song of the free,
him the North wind had blown

and claimed to be now my own
by closing my mouth round his cock
him the North wind had blown.
My blow had him soon hard as rock!

By closing my mouth round his cock,
held close to my bosom, before
my blow had him soon hard as rock.
In my dream he lay on the shore.

Click to expand...

You're probably right, I've been out all day and this poor crumbling body is exhausted so will look at it later. I wanted to make a connection between the wind blowing and the blow job!!

Original

Acid Test (Terza Rima)

What color are the dots where you are now?
They're blue; sometimes they're too small.
Then in another room someone says "Wow,

Ben Franklin's head is moving on that wall."
The 7-UP tastes icy green but blurred.
Your socks are in the freezer rolled in a ball,

while in the mirror uh oh someone sees a bird
and I've just seen a face. (Who was that guy?)
Everywhere are voices. I can't catch the words.

I'm busy thinking Lucy is a goddess in the sky
talking to the trees that dance outside the glass.
The dead are loud and grateful. So am I

wavering and waxing as unknown hours pass
falling with the music, colors, rising light:
here comes the Sun, waking up the grass.

AlwaysHungry said:

Tinkering with Angeline's meter.


Acid Test (Terza Rima)

What color are the dots where you are now?
They're blue, and sometimes (so they say) too small.
Then in another room someone says "Wow,

Ben Franklin's head is moving on that wall."
The 7-UP tastes icy green but blurred.
Your socks are in the freezer in a ball,

while in the mirror uh oh there's a bird
and I've just seen a face. (Who was that guy?)
And voices everywhere -- can't catch the words.

So Lucy is a goddess in the sky
Who talks to the trees that dance outside the glass.
The dead are loud and grateful. So am I,

I wax and waver as the hours pass
and fall with music, colors, rising light:
here comes the Sun, and with it wakes the grass.

**********************

Click to expand...

First off thank you much AH for thinking about my poem. I do appreciate you taking the time for it.

I need to look at the original and your tinkering together or I can't make sense of anything!

Now my original poem is based on a real experience. And since the person I most want to see it was also having this erm experience, I need it to be factually correct (well in the main). So, for example, your S2L3 works both in fact and the desired meter. The parenthetical in S1L2 doesn't work because the line is a quote so I need to say it or something very close to it that doesn't introduce additional information...or sound like repartee, which is waaay beyond the ken of a tripping person.

In that third stanza, the narrator is not the person seeing a bird in the mirror hence my "someone" in the original. I could use the name of the person who did, but I don't want to do that for a few reasons, not only to protect the innocent but also because names make the reader less likely to project him- or herself into the poem. I do think the poem, overall, gets a little pronoun awkward, but that's one of the things I need to think through.

I don't like my last line in the original, but I do want the whole line to be in the active voice. ..."with it wakes the grass" reads passive to me. And since it's the end of the poem I really don't want to end passive. I'd like to keep this as the last stanza but maybe add one more, which means I'd have to switch up the rhymes.

Yeah I'm obsessive in my own way. Thank you for tinkering. Will you look at it again when I get it into shape? I'll see if I can make the meter consistent, but I might not be able to do that as well as the other things I want to do with it.

Bumping because it's some great reading, educational and a throw back to the P.F.D in its earlier days.