Dark Voices

legerdemer said:

(I submitted this over two weeks now in Poetry with Audio, but it's taking forever to post. Dark Voices seems a good home for it, such as it is.)

Even downpouring water can’t wash the sad away.
Whorls suck in souls with leaves and rush out to sea,
drown bitter salt tears, dilute them without trace.

No winding road: the polished stone
worn down with time, the lowest common denominator
a multiplier of pain, scrapes rock upon rock, bone on raw bone.

She’s not telling tales: bent over double, screaming sorrow.
Bellows of loneliness turn all away
to stave off contagion. The tourniquet’s her rage.

Loss begets loss, wounds ooze blood,
flesh eats itself, no limits, no sand lines drawn.
No fault, of course, of yours - it’s in her head.

How could you help? You’re only human,
with shield and sword and courage sufficient
to save princesses and maids in castle towers,

bred with hair down to there,
so you can scale the walls of their desire.

And once you conquer, well - what then?

Click to expand...

Hi, legerdemer. I like parsing poems that I like. This is one of them.

L2 ""Whorls," great use of onomatopoeia. I felt my head spinning.
L3 "bitter salt" felt redundant. I think "salt tears" would have worked just as well.
L5 I think an opportunity for the dramatic effect of enjambment may have been missed. I also thought there was another redundant image:

".....the polished stone,
worn down with time, the lowest common
multiplier of pain,
scrapes rock upon rock, bone upon bone."

I think "...common/multiplier" says it as well as
"...common denominator/a multiplier of pain,..."
Hence, it felt redundant.

The hard consonants of L6 made me hear the sound of the scraping; nice.

At first, I thought "tourniquet?" Where's the context or sequay? Reader error, my bad. S3&4 had plenty of them. A lot of congruence in the images; it just took a little effort on my part to make them come together for me.

S5 on the other hand felt unnecessary, particularly given the dramatic effect of the last line in the context of the title. I suggest deleting S5 and see if it has any effect upon you. I thought the poem was just as good without it.

In the end, these comments may resonate or seem like quibbles, OK either way.

I enjoyed reading it.

greenmountaineer said:

Hi, legerdemer. I like parsing poems that I like. This is one of them.

L2 ""Whorls," great use of onomatopoeia. I felt my head spinning.

Thanks, I was hoping for that effect.

L3 "bitter salt" felt redundant.

I agreed with you - in the final version that I posted, I deleted salt but forgot to delete it from this one. Version control...

L5 I think an opportunity for the dramatic effect of enjambment may have been missed. I also thought there was another redundant image:

".....the polished stone,
worn down with time, the lowest common
multiplier of pain,
scrapes rock upon rock, bone upon bone."

I think "...common/multiplier" says it as well as
"...common denominator/a multiplier of pain,..."
Hence, it felt redundant.

Interesting suggestion. I am going to rerecord it to experiment with Todski's suggestion, and will try yours as well. And to take care of your following suggestion, of deleting S5.

The hard consonants of L6 made me hear the sound of the scraping; nice.

At first, I thought "tourniquet?" Where's the context or sequay? Reader error, my bad. S3&4 had plenty of them. A lot of congruence in the images; it just took a little effort on my part to make them come together for me.

S5 on the other hand felt unnecessary, particularly given the dramatic effect of the last line in the context of the title. I suggest deleting S5 and see if it has any effect upon you. I thought the poem was just as good without it.

In the end, these comments may resonate or seem like quibbles, OK either way.

I enjoyed reading it.

Click to expand...

Quibbles? Not at all. I often have a very hard time knowing how to judge one of my own; sometimes I (really) like one but think it's in the same biased way I would like my own flesh and blood. Getting an outside viewpoint is extremely valuable - thank you for taking the time to read it, and I'm pleased you enjoyed it.

I wonder how you would respond,
If I slashed my wrists
right now
and then drowned you in my blood
screaming see,
look
see what you did to me

But I smile bite down into
your home cooked cake
and continue our small talk

.....

I have carved the word
Liar reversed into my palm
so you can shake hands with your truths
blood soaked contracts
that are fulfilled off my back, not yours
and still you ride me like some donkey
but flesh has limits

scars heal stronger than before
but joints, ligaments
spines have limited shelf lives
the harder I work the more I realise
you pay for those days in youth

as every ache and pain finds a home
moves in and invites its slovenly friends
to spread their own wonderful misery

from behind these tired eyes
sawdust filled
ground into pinpricks
the light has gone
and still I remain