butters
High on a Hill
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a few of mine, diversity and regrets included
- Thread starter butters
- Start date
Gi_Venus
Loving Heart
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Gi_Venus
Loving Heart
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fridayam
Literotica Guru
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You're welcome, chip. It's hard to tell until you put the whole poem together. It may well be that part 3 overbalances the first two parts, as I think it might. xx
butters
High on a Hill
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yeah, think you're right. maybe i'll get to work it out - it's elements i want to keep. maybe even a separate piece. oh, dunno what i think about it right now, tbh
corndog_
Really Really Experienced
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- Sep 23, 2010
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I think, perhaps.
Lush imagery and adroit writing, but the metaphor has enslaved the message. Remember who serves whom!
I like this one very much, and look forward to its completion.
butters
High on a Hill
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you're right, i know. i started the others in the right frame of mind, but then got interrupted by the visiting teen with his woes. didn't resume it till morning and now i'm fed up with it already.
i'll return to it when i have a bit of distance, or maybe scrap it altogether as really, let's be honest, the middle of the three was the only really worthwhile one. we'll see. thanks for your thoughts!
corndog_
Really Really Experienced
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Oh, please don't scrap it. Reclaim that frame-of-mind and let it guide you. You're headed someplace wonderful.you're right, i know. i started the others in the right frame of mind, but then got interrupted by the visiting teen with his woes. didn't resume it till morning and now i'm fed up with it already.
butters
High on a Hill
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reworked older piece up today, but someone's made a really funny comment! they were laughing, and when i went to take a look, if i drop the 'paramedics' line (though maybe not for the hospital-kinksters, lol) it becomes a poem addressing something quite other. AND I PREFER IT! lmao. damn, wish i could claim it was
sirens
define the night
in strident notes that try to tear
my skull in two
or more
i can't be sure
of anything
all's surreal
feel
the fabric where i sit
its stiffened nap
but fingers won't interpret
or tips translate a colour
to a brain that's all night
split
and split again
i've no spit left
with which to swallow
and my ears won't hear
the moving lips of
paramedics
numb with shock
i watch the body
stretched and tubed
obscenely pummeled
over and over
"clear!"
i worry about bruises
sirens
define the night
in strident notes that try to tear
my skull in two
or more
i can't be sure
of anything
all's surreal
feel
the fabric where i sit
its stiffened nap
but fingers won't interpret
or tips translate a colour
to a brain that's all night
split
and split again
i've no spit left
with which to swallow
and my ears won't hear
the moving lips of
paramedics
numb with shock
i watch the body
stretched and tubed
obscenely pummeled
over and over
"clear!"
i worry about bruises
Gi_Venus
Loving Heart
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- Nov 19, 2005
- Posts
- 11,550
*clap hands* Oh dear, I like this one.
Poignantly visual. Gia to self, remember to wash your fruit for godsake.
corndog_
Really Really Experienced
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butters
High on a Hill
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UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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I've just submitted again and so should you with everything you have here so that those that don't frequent the forums get the chance of a read. There will hopefully be others join us on this forum in the future and your poems should be attached to your profile for those unknowns ........ or do I have to come over and yell obscenities through your letterbox?!
butters
High on a Hill
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don't be skeery! lol
i will sub more - i didn't want to flood the new poems like some sad attention-seeking thingy, and my last one's only had 2 votes and 3 comments; one of those was my reply to someone.
i'll go read yours when it's approved. when did you sub, tonight?
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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don't be skeery! lol
i will sub more - i didn't want to flood the new poems like some sad attention-seeking thingy, and my last one's only had 2 votes and 3 comments; one of those was my reply to someone.
i'll go read yours when it's approved. when did you sub, tonight?
yes tonight and I really must read other peoples and comment
BooMerengue
Literotica Guru
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butters
High on a Hill
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and I love it, love it, love it and I'm stealing part of it.
lol - the single, human footprint in the sand? i think you'll find that's been used by thousands of writers, including me, so feel free, lol.
and thankyou, Boo, for your generous comment x
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UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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have you ever been centoed?
butters
High on a Hill
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what a personal thing to ask on a public forum, annie! *blushes furiously and pulls petticoats and skirts tighter around my ankles*
if i have, i haven't noticed. would it hurt much?
UnderYourSpell
Gerund Whore
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what a personal thing to ask on a public forum, annie! *blushes furiously and pulls petticoats and skirts tighter around my ankles*
if i have, i haven't noticed. would it hurt much?
would u object to a woman centoing you lol? hurt? well would entail a fair bit of cutting out here and there but done as gently as possible! *she lied*
butters
High on a Hill
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would u object to a woman centoing you lol? hurt? well would entail a fair bit of cutting out here and there but done as gently as possible! *she lied*
do with it what you will, annie
if anything i write inspires you to play, i'm not complaining.