COVID-19 RESOURCES
LIT CAMS (200 Free Tokens)ADULT TOYSVOD MOVIES

Stunned and in shock

@red-
I haven't been on here in a while, but reading this thread, wow.....this has to be horrible for you, but the one thing I think positive coming out of this is you have some really good self preservation instincts. You saw the hole he was leading you into, and you reacted in a way to preserve your own sanity, and it turns out you were dead spot on. I don't know what was going on with him, if he had already found his ex and was playing drama to get you out of the way (which is one of my thoughts, I know of whirlwind romances, know of people getting back together with their exes and so forth,but this was too fast), but you did the right thing it looks like. Even if the story with the ex hadn't played out, you kind of did the old oxygen mask thing (therapists love that one!), you got yourself out of that situation, to be able to protect yourself, and even if you want to try and help someone else you have to be able to function yourself (hence the oxygen mask on a plane, you are told to put it on yourself before putting it on someone else)......

I hope you are continuing with counseling, even though this guy is out of the way, and it has become apparent he was shall we say out in left field someplace, there has to be pain there, there has to be your own feelings, about why this happened, why you would be attracted to him and so forth.....not to mention that you have had to deal with an unstable partner and that relationship going south and do so after losing your baby, even someone made of stone would have a lot of cracks showing......I wish you well, you deserve a lot of happiness and love in your life, and I think you will draw it to yourself;)
 
Thank you, Lauren. :rose: I did just discover that he was in contact with her before he bailed, so he was lying to me for about a month before I left. All I can think is 'Who is this person? This is not the man I knew. " The best way I can cope with this right now is telling myself that the man I knew is dead. Just knowing that we were still making love, still sleeping next to each other every night when he was initiating a relationship with her makes me physically ill. A huge betrayal and a total mind fuck.
 
Last edited:
@red-
I wish I could explain why people do what they do, but I cannot. My only real comment is that I doubt it had anything to do with you, and don't assume it did, usually when things like this happen it is because the other person thinks/has decided that their problems will be solved by 'something new' or the like....
I have seen this played out before, sadly it isn't common, someone I worked with was married (this was years ago), and ended up having an affair with an ex (don't know if she was wife #1, prior GF), and ended up getting her pregnant, it was a mess, and to this day I don't know the reasons, sometimes you never know.
 
njlauren said:
@red-
I wish I could explain why people do what they do, but I cannot. My only real comment is that I doubt it had anything to do with you, and don't assume it did, usually when things like this happen it is because the other person thinks/has decided that their problems will be solved by 'something new' or the like....
I have seen this played out before, sadly it isn't common, someone I worked with was married (this was years ago), and ended up having an affair with an ex (don't know if she was wife #1, prior GF), and ended up getting her pregnant, it was a mess, and to this day I don't know the reasons, sometimes you never know.
Click to expand...

I feel in my heart that this absolutely nothing to do with me, the 'bad' is all on him. I believe he has what I call the 'shiny new toy syndrome'; when the honeymoon is over and things get real he leaves because he's bored. Any normal person would enjoy the stability and security, but he can't deal with it.
Alas, I can successfully analyze it but it still hurts like a bitch.:(
 
Red_Kiss said:
I'm sure if we hadn't been living together that's what he would have done. Coward.:rolleyes:
Click to expand...

I missed this thread during my hiatus but you got some great advice from some of my very favorite and best Lit friends, so you are in good hands. FWIW, I'm glad you're recovering, feeling strong, and taking care of yourself. Self-care and self-love is vital to recovery from an escape from a toxic relationship.

My love and thoughts to you and your family. You're a strong, smart and capable woman and CAN do this.
 
IrisAlthea said:
Yup, this!
Click to expand...

Absolutely! Living in his mind must be sheer, tortuous hell:devil:. I'm headed over to get the rest of my things this afternoon and I'm nauseous. But I'll have support with me (dad and uncle)... plus I need to deliver to him the sunny little card that tells him I know he was cheating on me. Have a nice day! Lol:eek:
 
Last edited:
Hi Red, I just stumbled upon your thread after looking for something similar. I second what others are saying - you have an amazing sense of self determination. These are unimaginably difficult blows to be dealt, but it sounds like you're handling what you can at a time and making the moves to go forward with your life. As someone who's also currently rebuilding after the fallout of a relationship bomb, it's very encouraging to read your posts and see how you're able to keep going forward, even when it feels too difficult to even move.

Thank you for sharing your story and taking us on your journey. :)
 
All my things are finally out of his place. Yay! But he did call me after he read the card in which I let him know I was aware of his cheating to ream me. According to him, I don't have all the info, he never cheated and the woman he's now with miscarried his baby 14 years ago.... So I guess she beat me to the punch? Sick bastard. He actually told me that I can 'stop playing that card', meaning mentioning the baby we lost
Holy fuck, I've never experienced anything more insane. I'm really getting to the point where I can't deal with the mind fuck and memories anymore. The baby comment infuriates me. It's just one more example of how none of it mattered to him.
 
breathe sweetly
and be calm in the knowing that you can be settled
and peaceful
and that it is ok to let go
 
query said:
Wow. that is an amazing level of self-care. Well done. I really like the idea that you will not be alone with expenses or your thoughts. Sounds like you found a great place to re-group.
Click to expand...

You were in a good place when I wrote that. You had found a good environment a good network of support counseling...more of that. less of some of the following.

GiggLeGasm said:
good Lord, woman..
unfriend him.
why would you continue this drama intentionally?
Facebook stalking is the modern day equivalent to driving past his house every evening to see if he's home and alone. Don't do that to yourself!
Click to expand...

This is important. Just because it is easy to peer into an ex's life these days it is a horrible idea. I am pretty tech savvy and could easily stalk but I rigorously do not. I prefer for my ex to be in a good place and only contact me when there are things involving the kids and their development that she knows that I as their father need and want to know about. What she chooses to share with me enriches me rather than tears me down. You have nothing to bind you to him so move on and grow yourself. There is nothing for you in that rear view mirror.

Red_Kiss said:
I'm actually not even a fb member, a friend saw it and brought it to my attention. I'm definitely not an avid follower of his activities. FB ignorance is sweet bliss, until, you know, someone bursts your ignorance bubble.:)
Click to expand...

That person is not your friend. You are in no way enriched by this knowledge. You already knew you had nothing left with him, nothing about this helps you heal.

Grieving is not a one time run through of the steps and they do not occur in order. It is hard to say when another wave of anger or denial or bargaining will set in, but one doesn't seek out things that make you angry and your friends should not want that for you either.

This news may have eventually reached you, but it is not useful information. It could have been delayed a week a month a year or a decade and you would not be diminished one iota.

subwannabe said:
Personally, I think you are taking it the wrong way. You should be getting down on your hands and knees, kissing the earth and thanking God that he is no longer an option in your life.
Click to expand...

Absolutely. You were "worried about him." You now know that is wasted energy. Use that energy for self care.

Quoth ed said:
:red kiss, you really dodged a bullet! you should consider that date your independence day. :>

but yeah, that poor kid. jeez, she's never gonna have a healthy relationship.

ed
Click to expand...

Been a while, Ed not sure if I did that right. Spot on, as per usual.



Red_Kiss said:
Thank you, Lauren. :rose: I did just discover that he was in contact with her before he bailed, so he was lying to me for about a month before I left. All I can think is 'Who is this person? This is not the man I knew. " The best way I can cope with this right now is telling myself that the man I knew is dead. Just knowing that we were still making love, still sleeping next to each other every night when he was initiating a relationship with her makes me physically ill. A huge betrayal and a total mind fuck.
Click to expand...
"Just discovered" means "continued to dig." I say this, though it is a confrontational statement because in this scenario I view you entirely as the injured party and though we are not known well enough to each other to be truly friends I wish to treat you as one and apply a standard of rigorous honesty.

satindesire said:
I missed this thread during my hiatus but you got some great advice from some of my very favorite and best Lit friends, so you are in good hands. FWIW, I'm glad you're recovering, feeling strong, and taking care of yourself. Self-care and self-love is vital to recovery from an escape from a toxic relationship.

My love and thoughts to you and your family. You're a strong, smart and capable woman and CAN do this.
Click to expand...
Satin is not one to have the wool pulled over her eyes. If she can see your worth at a glance from this thread take that as high praise and choose to see yourself as worthy as well.

Red_Kiss said:
All my things are finally out of his place. Yay! But he did call me after he read the card in which I let him know I was aware of his cheating to ream me. According to him, I don't have all the info, he never cheated and the woman he's now with miscarried his baby 14 years ago.... So I guess she beat me to the punch? Sick bastard. He actually told me that I can 'stop playing that card', meaning mentioning the baby we lost
Holy fuck, I've never experienced anything more insane. I'm really getting to the point where I can't deal with the mind fuck and memories anymore. The baby comment infuriates me. It's just one more example of how none of it mattered to him.
Click to expand...

You are entitled to your anger. Choose to let go not because he deserves forgiveness, but because you deserve the peace that comes with it.

GiggLeGasm said:
breathe sweetly
and be calm in the knowing that you can be settled
and peaceful
and that it is ok to let go
Click to expand...

Perfectly said.

You were doing great with self-care. Surround yourself with people and things that build your sense of worth and take good care.
 
GiggLeGasm said:
breathe sweetly
and be calm in the knowing that you can be settled
and peaceful
and that it is ok to let go
Click to expand...

This is exactly the advice I needed, GiggLe. Knowing it's OK to peacefully let it go and not fight with angry and betrayed feelings anymore.
 
query said:
You were in a good place when I wrote that. You had found a good environment a good network of support counseling...more of that. less of some of the following.
Query, you're correct, I did dig, I don't deny that. As much as the knowledge hurts, though, I'm glad I know it. During one of our last conversations he told me 'I'm overwhelmed, I just can't do this relationship right now'. That statement seemed very ambiguous to me, like perhaps we could be together after some time apart. Plus, like you said, I was putting effort into worrying that he was ok, so knowing what I know now I feel confident that I made the right decision and that my instincts were correct. I'm feeling emotionally battered and bruised and mentally drained, but it's worth everything to be free from that sick bastard.
Click to expand...
Click to expand...
 
satindesire said:
I missed this thread during my hiatus but you got some great advice from some of my very favorite and best Lit friends, so you are in good hands. FWIW, I'm glad you're recovering, feeling strong, and taking care of yourself. Self-care and self-love is vital to recovery from an escape from a toxic relationship.

My love and thoughts to you and your family. You're a strong, smart and capable woman and CAN do this.
Click to expand...

Thank you, Satin:rose: It's better to feel hurt and sad without him than to feel sick, anxious and hurt with him.
 
Red_Kiss said:
How do I handle this? Is it the perfect storm of stress, money , and depression that's making him this way? Any thoughts, advice or encouragement would really help me out tonight.
Click to expand...

That can do it to a guy. For men, money is important. It ties into being provider which is an essential part of being a man. If he feels as if he can't provide, he feels inferior and that might be why he is telling you that you don't deserve to "settle." The stress of a business will do that to you. I run my own business and I will tell you it can take its toll on you. I have irregular income since I flip houses. These last two that I picked up, it took me a while to get in them. I bought them at auction and the occupants wouldn't leave. I had to go to court and get eviction orders. It through everything off. i was on pins and needles for those 2-3 months. I've had to dip into my reserves in the mean time. We have our fights regularly about money because it's thrown everything off. I have my days where I am still on pins and needles even though I have bought properties currently under contract.

I live in South Florida. Back in 2004 it seemed as if we had a hurricane come through here every weekend. I had bought my first two properties and while they were insured, I was trying to remodel them and the constant fear that they would be destroyed and I had to rebuild them took it's toll on me and my relationship with my then girlfriend to the point where it almost split us up.
I'm telling you this because while I don't know if maybe he came to the realization that he doesn't love you, but based on what you say, work, money and stress may just be playing a major role or he might just want to be able to fully devote himself to his work too. Men will want to do that.
 
Red_Kiss said:
Thank you, Satin:rose: It's better to feel hurt and sad without him than to feel sick, anxious and hurt with him.
Click to expand...

Absolutely. A lot of people don't understand that a lot of times it's better to be alone than to be in a suffocating and painful relationship. :heart: You did and do, and that's leagues ahead of a ton of folks out there.

I think you're doing great, and you're a tough woman with a big heart and a lot of love to give who will make an excellent partner in the future.

Cubantripod said:
Men will want to do that.
Click to expand...

I mean no offense, but dudes will also want to read the entire thread instead of just the first few posts, too? ;)
 
Having had a similar situation recently, we discussed it with our vicar, who had details of the best places to go for (free) counselling for both of us. The circumstances were different, and we did eventually split up, but the counsellors also helped me towards coping on my own.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Similar threads

Giftboy
How?
Replies
2
Views
312
Giftboy
Giftboy
L
How to.....be more manly?
Replies
12
Views
168
J_Bone
J_Bone
pink_silk_glove
Need Help with some Naughty Spanish
Replies
2
Views
184
pink_silk_glove
pink_silk_glove
Privates1stClass
Manboobs
Replies
4
Views
97
Privates1stClass
Privates1stClass
gxnn
How to read out the math signs and more
Replies
5
Views
159
Britva415
Britva415
Back
Top