taking control of wife

Ah ! the elusive Mrs Columbo.

Well, since nobody else seems willing to take the bait, I'll give it a go.

By my last count, Texman, your husband, has added a total of 35 posts to various groups on the LIT forum.
Most of these posts have been repeated requests for ideas on how to dominate you - as he seemingly has no ideas of his own.
The remaining posts have been pictures of you at various stages of nudity. The latter have raised some concern as to whether this was in consent with you.

He has repeated the same request once again in this thread, and has received the singular answer from all posting members, that he should go and talk to You about
your own views on BDSM first, rather than a forum full of strangers with no insight into your relationship.

For some reason he seems to have missed the point, but now that You are here, It is my sincere hope that you will have more success in coming across to your husband than the members of this forum.

In your post you ask for advice.

My best advice to you is to stop! step back, and take good look at the dynamics of your BDSM relationship, as your posts set off more alarms than I care to think about.

1: Your husband has repeatedly boasted the fact that you will do "whatever he wants" like a badge of honor, but has at no point mentioned how you will benefit from this dynamics.

2: Your husband has been vocal about taking your BDSM activities to "the next level", as long as you don't "freak out". Do you think that the absence of "freaking out" is a criteria for a succesful BDSM relationship?

3: By your own accounts, your motivation for visiting this forum in the first place is that "He told me to come read here".
You did not visit us out of curiousity or inspiration, or even because your husband "asked you to do it". He "told you to", pure and simple, and in my book, "asking" someone and "telling" someone is not interchangable, unless you are in a scene.

4: Another alarm going off is the fact that you are willing to "do whatever he wants so (that) he will be happy" - but what about making you happy ?
I have yet to read any post that suggests, even remotely, that you have anything to gain from this dynamics except from "making him happy", which is really crap BDSM dynamics.

Total submission is a rare and great gift that should be handled with great responsibility, yet your husband seems mind-meltingly clueless of how to handle it, when he has to stop and ask the forum whether he should make you "do stuff in the car".
Do you really feel comfortable about handing over the reins to a dom, who is like a kid with a new toy and no operating manual ?

Putting it gently, I wish the best for you cats, but I think that your BDSM relationship is off on the wrong foot.

We finally talked about it. She said it really turns her on when I just take her. She encouraged me to do all kinds of things to her. Don't ask just do them. I must say it's pretty hot being married to someone with that attitude.

Just keep in mind that it's good to check in with her from time to time. If not during sex/play, then definitely after. 1) If all is well, it's always nice to hear or 2) If all isn't quite that good, it's best to know about it sooner than later so it can be handled without extra time-lapse drama.

submit

I can relate to the dynamics of doing whatever my mistress desires. The act of pleasing her overrides all else especially if it something just beyond my comfort zone.

But the fact is that it works because she has taken a lot of time to understand me. And many of the things she "makes" me do are things that she knows I want her to want me to do. If that sounds confusing maybe it is. That is why a Dom must be very engaged and thoughtful. Yes, thoughtful.

At least for us, Dom/Sub is about a power dynamic not one person using another and taking them for granted. Ceding control is not the same as giving up your right to happiness. Any good leader cares about the people they lead and tries to make decisions in their best interest. They understand that confidence in that leadership must be earned and having that power requires a high duty of care.

The whole "I'll do whatever you want to keep you happy" sounds like someone foregoing their own happiness. That is unhealthy and you should take a long hard look at why she might feel that way.

That is different from "I get a charge out of letting you have your way with me." This attitude demonstrates an unconventional path to her pleasure. In this case you need to think about what kind of actions will foster that feeling of being "taken" but still from a safe place (i.e. one in which you can maintain control for her sake). You should make sure that she understands that her compliance is pleasing to you. And pay close attention to her reactions and what gets her charged up.

Not for me to say of course but I don't know of any fetish where people want to be genuinely mistreated and taken for granted. There are lots of people who define happiness and desirable treatment different than the mainstream. The person who enjoys being bound and spanked is enjoying it on a level that perhaps most people can't relate to but they are enjoying it and have provided consent - otherwise it is assault. A cuckold/wittol who enjoys the extreme expression of his wife's sexuality that comes from her being with another man and/or her restrictions on his sexual activity is indulging in something that most men cannot accept, but their pleasure is real nonetheless - otherwise she is just being a selfish bitch.

Are you engaging in something your wife enjoys? Something you know she enjoys and not just her throwing in the towel and saying do whatever you want because it is preferable to the alternative (whatever that may be)? Is this coming from a place of dissatisfaction - either her or yours - where she feels she is acting out of a sense of duty or giving you higher priority? Being the Dom doesn't make you more important. It is just an agreed power dynamic and it is on you to make sure she is at least as important as you in the relationship.

Her happiness is very important to me. She gets more sexual satisfaction out of doing it this way the we did it for the twenty years we were married before. A couple of examples of what we are doing to better explain the situation. We ha e kids so this happens when they are at school. One day I came home she was in the bedroom I stripped her ate her and then left. Another day she was in the living room I turned her around pulled her pants down and bent her over the couch. She has requested that in the future if I come home and she is on the couch that I just take it out and put it in her mouth. Those are the kinds of things we are doing. Does that change you advice or opinion?

texman11 said:

Her happiness is very important to me. She gets more sexual satisfaction out of doing it this way the we did it for the twenty years we were married before. A couple of examples of what we are doing to better explain the situation. We ha e kids so this happens when they are at school. One day I came home she was in the bedroom I stripped her ate her and then left. Another day she was in the living room I turned her around pulled her pants down and bent her over the couch. She has requested that in the future if I come home and she is on the couch that I just take it out and put it in her mouth. Those are the kinds of things we are doing. Does that change you advice or opinion?

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Well it certainly isn't for me to judge. I am just trying to see some information about what she enjoys and why. The way you have described it I can't get at whether she is getting pleasure from the circumstance or simply capitulating. Some people get genuine pleasure from serving others and some accept it as an inevitability because they don't see an alternative (due to any number of potential relationship dynamics or pressure she might feel from you).

Your descriptions are so focussed on the act rather than how she feels about it that I can't tell if you are tuned into what she wants. That is a red flag.

Simply saying "she says this is what she wants" doesn't shed any light on the nature of her desire. And that could just as easily be the rote statement of a woman who has capitulated and knows that the only way to keep the relationship workable is to say she wants it. That is another red flag.

Listing off things that guys would like and saying she said she wants it is about as far as one can possibly be from expressing a true understanding of her desire. That doesn't mean she isn't wholeheartedly supportive but I can't see that from here.

Well the next step I decided was to get her to go to a chat room and cyber with guys while I watch and touch her some. She gets very wet doing this.