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FortySixtyFour

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Oct 25, 2015
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Story Title: Anime Convention Harem

Chapters: 8

Category: Mind Control

Author: FortySixtyFour

Link to first chapter: https://www.literotica.com/s/anime-convention-harem-ch-01

I've been working on my first erotica, "Anime Convention Harem," for a little over two years now. Simple premise--a guy attends an anime convention with a special harem charm which has a mysterious influence over the girls it touches. I've been writing it as a slow-building erotic drama rather than a stroker, and now that I'm committed to someday publishing it, I'd like feedback from a larger reader base.

Any feedback is welcomed and appreciated. Sincere praise fuels the flames of my enthusiasm, severe criticism helps to hammer and temper the impurities out of my writing.
 
No Feedback Yet?

I'm guessing because it posted on St. Patrick's Day, a Friday, and folks were out doing other things. (I know I was.) Will take a look at it tomorrow. Until then, maybe this comment will bump it up where someone else will take a gander.

One thing right off the bat, though, is that you ought to drop the author comment off of the beginning. It's a short enough piece that anyone looking for a stroke story will skim and move on, but you're sort of inviting vitriol when you describe your lofty erotica goals in a way that comes off a bit pretentious.
 
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I tried giving this a read, and I didn't make it past the first page. You are hitting readers with a big, big info dump. An entire relationship between two people, complete with baggage and the classic growing apart end to it all...

But then you start throwing in a lot of feminist outrage on the part of the protagonists ex. No matter where true blame lies in a break up, if any such thing can be pinpointed, once you start adding in that kind of rhetoric you move your story into a no-win scenario. You are juggling dynamite. You might as well have Kendall Jenner walk in and offer everyone a Pepsi.

Given the very brief synopsis of how their breakup came about, and combine that with your very clear direction (Mind Control Harem), it's hard not to think this is pretty tasteless. It's hard not to see this as "I got dumped by a feminist and now I'm mad".

I myself have written stories with themes of mind control, conditioning, and brainwashing, so I'm not saying your choice of kinks is inappropriate in any way, but this is a bit like... writing about a protagonist who dumps his breast-cancer survivor girlfriend because he can't be with someone with less than a DD.

The job of any author is to hook their reader. Present them with reasons to continue reading. Reasons to get invested. Maybe I'm wrong about your story, and this is a touching tribute to empowered women everywhere. Maybe this is the best mind control story ever written. I have no idea, and i'm not likely to find out because the beginning just makes me shake my head.
 
Combat323 said:
I'm guessing because it posted on St. Patrick's Day, a Friday, and folks were out doing other things. (I know I was.) Will take a look at it tomorrow. Until then, maybe this comment will bump it up where someone else will take a gander.

One thing right off the bat, though, is that you ought to drop the author comment off of the beginning. It's a short enough piece that anyone looking for a stroke story will skim and move on, but you're sort of inviting vitriol when you describe your lofty erotica goals in a way that comes off a bit pretentious.
Click to expand...

Thank you for responding! I was asked by readers in the comments of following chapters to add in that warning, but I definitely don't mean to come off as pretentious. I think I'll just cut the warning down to something like, "This story has a slow simmer," or something along those lines.

AwkwardMD said:
I tried giving this a read, and I didn't make it past the first page. You are hitting readers with a big, big info dump. An entire relationship between two people, complete with baggage and the classic growing apart end to it all...

But then you start throwing in a lot of feminist outrage on the part of the protagonists ex. No matter where true blame lies in a break up, if any such thing can be pinpointed, once you start adding in that kind of rhetoric you move your story into a no-win scenario. You are juggling dynamite. You might as well have Kendall Jenner walk in and offer everyone a Pepsi.

Given the very brief synopsis of how their breakup came about, and combine that with your very clear direction (Mind Control Harem), it's hard not to think this is pretty tasteless. It's hard not to see this as "I got dumped by a feminist and now I'm mad".

I myself have written stories with themes of mind control, conditioning, and brainwashing, so I'm not saying your choice of kinks is inappropriate in any way, but this is a bit like... writing about a protagonist who dumps his breast-cancer survivor girlfriend because he can't be with someone with less than a DD.

The job of any author is to hook their reader. Present them with reasons to continue reading. Reasons to get invested. Maybe I'm wrong about your story, and this is a touching tribute to empowered women everywhere. Maybe this is the best mind control story ever written. I have no idea, and i'm not likely to find out because the beginning just makes me shake my head.
Click to expand...

Thank you for letting me know! I can tell that the story isn't for a lot of readers just by the statistics--Ch 1 view count is much, much larger than any of the following chapters--but I'm not getting feedback impressions from the readers I lose so it's hard to see where I'm going wrong.

I can't really defend the premise itself; it is what it is. But I can work on presenting what the story will be more accurately through the title and tagline so that it doesn't seem to be misrepresenting itself. Thank you again for explaining why you didn't keep reading, I can assume from the stats that it's because readers aren't interested, but knowing why they're not interested helps me out a lot.
 
FortySixtyFour said:
Thank you for letting me know! I can tell that the story isn't for a lot of readers just by the statistics--Ch 1 view count is much, much larger than any of the following chapters--but I'm not getting feedback impressions from the readers I lose so it's hard to see where I'm going wrong.
Click to expand...

I wouldn't complain too much, most serial stories start high and drop views in later chapters. You've got 49000 or so views for Chap 1, down to half that on Chap 8. That's a pretty strong retention rate compared to many other multi part stories. You've also got high numbers of faves and fairly high number of votes (1% of views turning into votes is pretty typical).

Nobody is going to tell you why they don't read the later chapters - the story doesn't do it for them, they don't read the second part. It's that simple. You're probably not "going wrong" - it's just that not every one who reads Chapter 1 is going to read Chapter 2.

Just write your next piece. You can't make any judgements on your reader response based on one story line.
 
electricblue66 said:
I wouldn't complain too much, most serial stories start high and drop views in later chapters. You've got 49000 or so views for Chap 1, down to half that on Chap 8. That's a pretty strong retention rate compared to many other multi part stories. You've also got high numbers of faves and fairly high number of votes (1% of views turning into votes is pretty typical).

Nobody is going to tell you why they don't read the later chapters - the story doesn't do it for them, they don't read the second part. It's that simple. You're probably not "going wrong" - it's just that not every one who reads Chapter 1 is going to read Chapter 2.

Just write your next piece. You can't make any judgements on your reader response based on one story line.
Click to expand...

The good news there is that the people who stick around are the ones who like the story and give higher ratings.
 
electricblue66 said:
I wouldn't complain too much, most serial stories start high and drop views in later chapters. You've got 49000 or so views for Chap 1, down to half that on Chap 8. That's a pretty strong retention rate compared to many other multi part stories. You've also got high numbers of faves and fairly high number of votes (1% of views turning into votes is pretty typical).

Nobody is going to tell you why they don't read the later chapters - the story doesn't do it for them, they don't read the second part. It's that simple. You're probably not "going wrong" - it's just that not every one who reads Chapter 1 is going to read Chapter 2.

Just write your next piece. You can't make any judgements on your reader response based on one story line.
Click to expand...
I've been wondering about that--my first chapter was a short, single-page number, more like a prologue, really. My eighth chapter, though, was eight pages long. Does that mean Literotica counts it as eight views each time they read through all of Ch 8 a single time, or do they have a more complex way of tracking hits?

Combat323 said:
The good news there is that the people who stick around are the ones who like the story and give higher ratings.
Click to expand...

Well, good and bad news, really. All the negative comments and criticisms disappeared about five chapters in, so the feedback I'm getting is unbalanced. That's actually why I was posting here, I love all the supportive comments I get on chapters now, but I'm not getting a completely objective reaction anymore because the people with criticisms stopped reading.
 
FortySixtyFour said:
I've been wondering about that--my first chapter was a short, single-page number, more like a prologue, really. My eighth chapter, though, was eight pages long. Does that mean Literotica counts it as eight views each time they read through all of Ch 8 a single time, or do they have a more complex way of tracking hits?
Click to expand...

A story gets a "view" when someone clicks on the first page. Even if they back out after the first paragraph (it happens all the time, I suspect), that's 1 view. But it doesn't mean someone has read all of the story. An eight page story is 1 view, not 8.

So those folk thinking "look at my brilliant story, all those readers!" - not really. The second chapter is probably the more realistic indicator, and by the time you're up to Chaps 4 or 5, the views there are those who want to see it all through.

Views do not correspond to Readers - based on the stats, you have no way of knowing how many people finish your story - those that Fave and Score obviously, but they're a small fraction. Once you have a bit of a story file going, some kind of pattern may start to emerge, but nothing to swear by.
 
FortySixtyFour said:
Well, good and bad news, really. All the negative comments and criticisms disappeared about five chapters in, so the feedback I'm getting is unbalanced. That's actually why I was posting here, I love all the supportive comments I get on chapters now, but I'm not getting a completely objective reaction anymore because the people with criticisms stopped reading.
Click to expand...

Nobody who thinks it's rubbish is going to stick around for multiple chapters and tell you why they think it's rubbish. They're not going to waste their time. They're off looking at someone else's first page, and back-clicking from that one too.

If you're getting bucket loads of negative comments, pay attention, coz folk might be telling you something. It's when you get more positives than negatives that you know your writing is at least solid enough that the grumbling goes away, and people want to respond favourably. But that's not objective either, it just means your story worked well for someone.
 
electricblue66 said:
A story gets a "view" when someone clicks on the first page. Even if they back out after the first paragraph (it happens all the time, I suspect), that's 1 view. But it doesn't mean someone has read all of the story. An eight page story is 1 view, not 8.

So those folk thinking "look at my brilliant story, all those readers!" - not really. The second chapter is probably the more realistic indicator, and by the time you're up to Chaps 4 or 5, the views there are those who want to see it all through.

Views do not correspond to Readers - based on the stats, you have no way of knowing how many people finish your story - those that Fave and Score obviously, but they're a small fraction. Once you have a bit of a story file going, some kind of pattern may start to emerge, but nothing to swear by.

Nobody who thinks it's rubbish is going to stick around for multiple chapters and tell you why they think it's rubbish. They're not going to waste their time. They're off looking at someone else's first page, and back-clicking from that one too.

If you're getting bucket loads of negative comments, pay attention, coz folk might be telling you something. It's when you get more positives than negatives that you know your writing is at least solid enough that the grumbling goes away, and people want to respond favourably. But that's not objective either, it just means your story worked well for someone.
Click to expand...

Ah, I was definitely misunderstanding the viewcounts then. Part of why I was assuming that is because some of my middle chapters have less views than my first and last chapters. Does that mean readers are skipping chapters...? On the one hand if they're skipping chapters it means they're not interested, but then why resume reading later chapters randomly?

If anything I'd say the people leaving me comments are overly kind. I know my writing has improved over the two years simply by how many issues my proofreader taught me to watch for... but it hasn't improved that much.

This may just be an issue with stories that come in multiple chapter installments, but as the chapters go on the people with valid criticisms disappear and I don't want to delude myself into thinking that only receiving positive feedback means that my story is magically good now.
 
FortySixtyFour said:
Ah, I was definitely misunderstanding the viewcounts then. Part of why I was assuming that is because some of my middle chapters have less views than my first and last chapters. Does that mean readers are skipping chapters...? On the one hand if they're skipping chapters it means they're not interested, but then why resume reading later chapters randomly?
Click to expand...

I have a long shaggy dog multi-part yarn (23 chapters) - I reckon my readers settle in for the long ride at Chapter 4 and stay through to the end.

There's a speed bump at Chapter 7 where folk don't like the turn I took - I get "punished" by a low score on that chapter alone - but then the scores bounce back. People REALLY don't like Gay Male leaking into other genres, specially not GM father/son incest! Lol. Fuck 'em, it's my story, I'll write who I want. Those that bailed out at that chapter don't get to see one of my best heroines - their loss, not mine.

Some chapters bounce above the steady state by a thousand or so Views - I reckon it's the dirty bastards coming back and reading the best chapters twice, to get the best sex bits!
 
Idk if you've been getting complaints or something, but I actually really like the frequent updates that you were doing along with the little excerpts!
 
Complaints and people unsubscribing, haha. I liked doing frequent updates because it got me working on a little bit of progress every day and kept my head on the project, but I can see how it'd get annoying.

Still going to do updates, but I guess from now on they'll be monthly. Not sure what a better way to do that for everyone would be.
 
Perhaps you could create another thread and post updates and stuff there for those interested
 
Hesitant to do that as well. There's not really anywhere here that kind of thing would be appropriate to post, it's not really feedback or even story discussion. It'd just be a long thread of me posting to myself and feeling like an idiot.

The excerpts only work well as teasers. If they remained up in a thread where they could be all be read together, it would be that same kind of over-saturation some films get when fifteen trailers are released... the best scenes already shown and the overall story pretty much already given away.
 
So I see your thought to take everything down and restructure it. I'd suggest against doing that right now. Go with what feels good. Then, when you're done, take the whole thing, reflect on the feedback you've gotten, they go through and give the hole thing a second pass with what you've learned and with the finished project at hand to give you a chance to space out some thing, rewrite some things to follow better or add in foreshadowing.

Then you have something a bit more substantial to go into the editing process with. Plus, you'll have more feedback from the completed project to look at, as well as having a full go-through so you don't have to worry about hitting the end and feeling like you've grown enough in talent the start needs a rewrite and getting trapped in a loop. I like the overall thought, but just feel it's not something to worry about right now, when down the road you can use it to get a lot more done.
 
The GrandMage said:
So I see your thought to take everything down and restructure it. I'd suggest against doing that right now. Go with what feels good. Then, when you're done, take the whole thing, reflect on the feedback you've gotten, they go through and give the hole thing a second pass with what you've learned and with the finished project at hand to give you a chance to space out some thing, rewrite some things to follow better or add in foreshadowing.
Click to expand...

As I wrote above, don't worry about the last story, it is what it is. Move on, write the next one, that's how you become a better writer.
 
The GrandMage said:
So I see your thought to take everything down and restructure it. I'd suggest against doing that right now. Go with what feels good. Then, when you're done, take the whole thing, reflect on the feedback you've gotten, they go through and give the hole thing a second pass with what you've learned and with the finished project at hand to give you a chance to space out some thing, rewrite some things to follow better or add in foreshadowing.

Then you have something a bit more substantial to go into the editing process with. Plus, you'll have more feedback from the completed project to look at, as well as having a full go-through so you don't have to worry about hitting the end and feeling like you've grown enough in talent the start needs a rewrite and getting trapped in a loop. I like the overall thought, but just feel it's not something to worry about right now, when down the road you can use it to get a lot more done.
Click to expand...

I'd meant just a reorganization--I am going to rewrite, add additional scenes, make minor tweaks and adjust dialogue and whatnot after the whole project is completed, but that's going to be for a published version, maybe e-book in a few places online and then self-published physical copies I'm going to finance out of my own pocket. (The plan is to one day have copies on a vendor's table/artist alley booth at a convention, I still have friends that get booths fairly often) I won't ever permanently remove what's currently up on Lit--it'll always be here to read for free, it just won't have the extra polish.

My concern is that having it up on Lit in chapters as it is doesn't mesh well with the way Lit's set up. Ch 1 and 9 are fractions of the size of my actual chapters, because they're really set up as prologues. With them setting up and introducing rather than diving into story or smut, their scores will tank individually and deter readers. Right now Ch 1's starting off my set with a 4.34 rating, which, while pretty high considering there's no sex, is still low enough that many readers will pass.

For readers jumping into the story in the future on Lit, I feel like consolidating 1 - 4 and 5 - 7 into respective decent-sized parts will be more satisfying for readers, they'll be able to keep reading what happens continuously, without having to break immersion. Noble Truth writing Celestial Wars did this, I feel like his original chapters were fairly short like mine, but then he collected them into much more manageable parts here on Lit.
 
One of my favorite things

As you know from my feedback on another site, this is one of my favorite pieces, one I'll drop everything to read the latest chapter of, with those chapters coming every six months or so, which means I'll often go back to re-read previous chapters. Great characters with unique voices and compelling development, even if one is obviously a "hate sink" for those on both sides of various political spectra. As I'm sure you already know, it doesn't pay to let negative comments get to you from someone who won't bother to read more than a tiny fraction of your piece but who then feels free to castigate for what they guess to be your next steps.

I'm very glad you've stayed with this over several years, and look forward to the next installment.
 
MetaBob said:
As you know from my feedback on another site, this is one of my favorite pieces, one I'll drop everything to read the latest chapter of, with those chapters coming every six months or so, which means I'll often go back to re-read previous chapters. Great characters with unique voices and compelling development, even if one is obviously a "hate sink" for those on both sides of various political spectra. As I'm sure you already know, it doesn't pay to let negative comments get to you from someone who won't bother to read more than a tiny fraction of your piece but who then feels free to castigate for what they guess to be your next steps.

I'm very glad you've stayed with this over several years, and look forward to the next installment.
Click to expand...

Thanks man, that means a lot to me, especially coming from you. I had a pretty shitty 2020 (who didn't) but I did finally just get the first draft of Part 11 off my plate. Maybe 1/3rd of my attention gets split to focus on my other fiction project though, and then another 1/3rd remains caught up in getting AnimeCon Harem adapted into a Ren'py game.

Promobanner1.jpg
 
FortySixtyFour said:
Thanks man, that means a lot to me, especially coming from you. I had a pretty shitty 2020 (who didn't) but I did finally just get the first draft of Part 11 off my plate. Maybe 1/3rd of my attention gets split to focus on my other fiction project though, and then another 1/3rd remains caught up in getting AnimeCon Harem adapted into a Ren'py game.

Promobanner1.jpg
Click to expand...

Brilliant stuff, friend. I sincerely hope what I've seen, here and elsewhere, isn't the end.
 
You are great! That's true - haters are underdeveloped people, do not listen to them. The most important thing is that you do what you love and develop further despite the crisis of 2020. I've always admired anime. I have anime games, clothes, posters, toys, anime bedding sets , etc. Honestly, I even tried to make cartoons with these heroes, but I do not have enough perseverance and patience. It is challenging and very energy-consuming work, which not everyone can do. Indeed, it's always easy to judge from the outside; it's hard to take and do it yourself.
 
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GingiKisi said:
You are great! Absolutely true - haters are underdeveloped people, do not listen to them. The most important thing is that you do what you love and develop further despite the crisis of 2020
Click to expand...

I think it's awesome how every bit of generic negative criticism directed at this story here by people who haven't bothered to read (much if any of) it has proven to be misplaced: lengthy relationship dump, feminist antagonism, "just write your next piece", etc.

This is a singular piece, imaginative, great character voices and arcs, and delightfully surprising plot developments, highly appreciated by its readers. The result is that 4064 is already making a living as a professional writer, 1300+ followers here despite here not being his primary outlet, a contest win with an average rating of 4.82 with the two most recent chapters exceeding that into all-time best territory. He says there's at least one more chapter coming, and I for one eagerly anticipate it even though I lost an increasingly scarce day of writing to reading his most recent three chapters this past weekend.

Fortunately, 4064 does not feel obliged to listen to the sort of advice that would limit him from developing this piece to its present state of confection. I have plenty of issues with it as a writer with very different ideals about concision (and I send my comments about nuts-and-bolts details privately), but am willing to suspend that kind of criticism to just enjoy the piece for what it is, which is wonderful. I also don't want his style to change partway through the piece when it doesn't need to. That can wait. Possibly forever.
 
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