FIRST SUBMISSION! Short chapter called 'Softness'

Hey, I just posted this - it's my first chapter submitted here. Please offer any criticisms or opinions.

“How can I partake in such softness when I possess only such hardness?” says the boy, to the girl looking at him. She is brown eyed, caramel skinned, diamond jawlined, freckle scattergunned. On her shoulder is a small, pen-drawn tattoo of a dragon, and around her subtle frame is a sheer, let-your-imagination-run-wild white dress. She wears nothing underneath – a nymph in the shade. She is stretched out on the double bed, her slender legs dangling off; bait for the sharks in the carpet.
“You are taking this all too seriously,” she assures him, speaking softly, applying a dark shade of lipstick to thinly thick lips, the colour of arterial blood left out in the sun.

The other girl glances up, but does not speak. Her eyes are the blue of camera flash afterimages, and her lips are the kind made for kisses in the dark. She is as an hourglass – breasts large, round and of silk, hips and buttocks swooping outwards, prepared for motherhood, prepared for taking a beating. Fertile. She is dressed in high-waisted panties and a midriffed white shirt from an op shop, and thick thigh-high socks on her thick thighs in warning colours – bands of yellow and black. She pushes a lock of infernally-red hair from her eye.
She is nervous.

“Shall we commence the first act?” says the dancer, looking into the boy, nipples pressing through the dragonfly-wing sheer of her dress, hardening to a dark point, the starting strokes of a darkening image. Their stares intersect, vivisect, and devour. She looks behind her, to the red girl, and beckons her hand, like curling, sliding, her fingers into honey. The red girl rises to a kneel, eyes flashing, chest heaving against her shirt, stretching the fabric, cutting her breath down to a shiver.

is there a link?

When I see all 3rd-person present tense, I don't want to read any more. It looks stilted, clumsy. IMHO past tense is more readable from any POV. If it was 1st-person present tense, I'll expect a tragic / fatal ending. "We fuck frantically as the airliner falls from the sky." "The lava rises toward me, oh shit..." But, "She does this and he does that and they both orgasm, etc" just doesn't make it. Yes, it *can* be done well, but it takes much experience. Good luck! And yes, post a link.

There's a fine line between clever writing and over-clever writing. IMHO this is close to that line, but from this short excerpt I can't be sure which side it falls on.

Almost every sentence is working hard to be quirky and clever. "Freckle scattergunned", "bait for the sharks in the carpet", "thinly thick lips" etc. I like these turns of phrase, when taken one by one. But when you have so many of them it risks distracting from the story you're trying to tell.

It's like watching a film and finding myself concentrating on the clever lighting choices/camera angles/use of symbolism/etc. - instead of being immersed in the story I'm looking at it from outside, which isn't usually where you want your audience to be.

Put another way, you have a sandwich with so many artisanal ingredients that you're at risk of forgetting the bread.

(But I didn't mind the tense, for what that's worth!)

I don't like it all I'm afraid. It's very hard to read and doesn't make any sense to me. Who is the dancer? Who is the red girl? I can't even work out how many characters there are.

I'm with Bramblethorn on this - I think it's trying too hard to be clever and reads to me like list after list after list. There's little flow to it, I feel like I'm being shot at with a machine gun, and some of it makes no sense to me: "thinly thick lips" - what are they? Slow yourself down, and you'll find a smoother rhythm, I think. Sometimes a simple sentence is all that is needed, not everything needs to be clever. And this from me, who has on occasion been accused of over-writing!

I did like "the colour of arterial blood left out in the sun" though - that's something I'd write

I like it, generally.

A little too over-descriptive perhaps for my personal taste but it creates the mind-picture vividly.

I do agree with Hypoxia in that I would prefer to read in past tense if the story is written from a third party perspective.

I would like to read more and see where it is heading. There is some warmth so far.

xXx

Put me mostly in the plus column. I like that you kind of swing for the fences in trying to make the descriptiveness out-of-the-ordinary; there are some hits here and some misses, but I'd say more of the former than the latter.

There are only a few places where I just can't tell what the heck you're talking about, or find it over-awkward:

Robert_Sage said:

her eyes are the blue of camera flash afterimages, and her lips are the kind made for kisses in the dark.

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I can sort of tell what you're shooting for here, so to speak -- I think -- but the choices just aren't connecting. I have experienced many a camera flash, despite having a face for radio, and I can't ever remember identifying a "blue of camera flash afterimages." And any kind of lips could be "made for kisses in the dark."

midriffed white shirt from an op shop

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"Op shop" is Aussie / Kiwi slang obscure elsewhere (I had to look it up). "Thrift shop" or "charity shop" are a bit more generic.

Their stares intersect, vivisect, and devour.

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I really like this, except the interjection of "vivisect" makes it seem like an image for a much more threatening and intense situation than what appears to be going on here.

She looks behind her, to the red girl, and beckons her hand, like curling, sliding, her fingers into honey.

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Everything after "beckons" is awkward, and more confusing than illuminating. Honestly I think you could just lose it, you've done enough to establish tone anyway.

There may be too much richness packed into too small of a space here for some tastes -- there's something to be said for not Going For It with every single sentence -- but I didn't have trouble reading it. I would be interested to see a link to the fuller chapter.

General advice for any author (myself included): Learn at the feet of the masters. Which means, read stories you like and study how they're constructed. Is what you've written anything like what you spend time reading? Do you care if anyone will bother reading your prose? Sure, write for your own pleasure. Don't be surprised if readers want something else.