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Well said, but sometimes you just got to take that shit! You can't wait around for him to start things up, now I don't know if that's your particular problem but for those who do have a somewhat "wilted" husband, you just got to show him "the pussy is boss!" (to quote my grams)
This is the worst possible advice anyone could give to a woman in a sexless marriage.
True, true. Sometimes a sexless marriage is headed for the end. Of course it depends on reasons for it being with out sex, if a medical condition talk, together, withy a doctor. If it is his or her personal choice to not have sex, well then communication is the key. Talk it out, see who, what & why, base decisions on adult mentality and go forward.
Has that worked for you? I am curious. Always interesting to learn what has helped and what hasn't.
Well, I must be in this for convenience or convention because I did have the discission with him about how important sex is to me/us in this marriage. But i wouldnt leave him just because we arent having sex.. I still care for him and he has been left behind by so many female influences in his life. I refuse to be the next one to prove to him that women are mean uncaring witches. I just have to find my outlet.
Yeah. Just for the record, here's what my husband and I have tried:
1. Two rounds of counseling with two different therapists.
2. Complete physical exam including testosterone.
3. Long, honest talks. Many of them. No, he's not gay. No, he wasn't physically abused as a child.
4. Not talking about it at all for months to "let it rest."
5. Scheduling sex.
6. Weekend getaways.
7. Watching porn together (he loves it, but it doesn't make him any more likely to want to have sex with a real human being.)
8. Individual counseling for both him and me.
9. Two year separation to "think things through."
Here's what I have tried on my own:
1. Sexy lingerie (doesn't do anything for him)
2. Suggesting "new things" (grossed him out and scared him off)
3. Naked pictures of myself (ditto)
4. Reading self-help books
5. Hours spent on the internet looking for advice, support, etc.
6. Doing all the housework
7. Doing all the initiating.
8. Doing none of the initiating.
9. Asking him about his fantasies (answer: "I don't think about sex, so I don't think I have any fantasies.")
10. Thorough snooping through all his belongings, phone, email etc. to see if he's cheating (hah. You have to want sex in order to have sex outside your marriage.)
11. Cheating. Made me miserable and lonelier than ever, plus drew a good man into my own personal mess.
Some people don't want sex. They're healthy, functioning human beings. They're just not interested. Trying to fix someone like this is pointless because you are trying to fix someone who isn't broken. The only thing 'wrong' with this person is that he/she is not a good life partner for someone who does like sex. It's a mismatch. That's all.
My options: I can leave, and lose the only person in my life who loves me, really loves me. Or I can suck it up, and stay, and get over it. I've been applying myself to the latter.
And antiasexual, I agree, it's condescending and lame to suggest that men can earn sex by doing more around the house. Seriously. You do the dishes because you live there, not because you are trying to prove yourself worthy of a little gold star in the form of sex.
Yeah. Just for the record, here's what my husband and I have tried:
1. Two rounds of counseling with two different therapists.
2. Complete physical exam including testosterone.
3. Long, honest talks. Many of them. No, he's not gay. No, he wasn't physically abused as a child.
4. Not talking about it at all for months to "let it rest."
5. Scheduling sex.
6. Weekend getaways.
7. Watching porn together (he loves it, but it doesn't make him any more likely to want to have sex with a real human being.)
8. Individual counseling for both him and me.
9. Two year separation to "think things through."
Here's what I have tried on my own:
1. Sexy lingerie (doesn't do anything for him)
2. Suggesting "new things" (grossed him out and scared him off)
3. Naked pictures of myself (ditto)
4. Reading self-help books
5. Hours spent on the internet looking for advice, support, etc.
6. Doing all the housework
7. Doing all the initiating.
8. Doing none of the initiating.
9. Asking him about his fantasies (answer: "I don't think about sex, so I don't think I have any fantasies.")
10. Thorough snooping through all his belongings, phone, email etc. to see if he's cheating (hah. You have to want sex in order to have sex outside your marriage.)
11. Cheating. Made me miserable and lonelier than ever, plus drew a good man into my own personal mess.
Some people don't want sex. They're healthy, functioning human beings. They're just not interested. Trying to fix someone like this is pointless because you are trying to fix someone who isn't broken. The only thing 'wrong' with this person is that he/she is not a good life partner for someone who does like sex. It's a mismatch. That's all.
My options: I can leave, and lose the only person in my life who loves me, really loves me. Or I can suck it up, and stay, and get over it. I've been applying myself to the latter.
And antiasexual, I agree, it's condescending and lame to suggest that men can earn sex by doing more around the house. Seriously. You do the dishes because you live there, not because you are trying to prove yourself worthy of a little gold star in the form of sex.
heehee. That is funny.. lol!!
Someone who once got a hard on everytime the wind blew gently outside... and now doesn't want it...
There's more to the story. And sometimes they just DON'T want to cooperate with the MARRIAGE and make it understood. No matter how hard you try or what you do.
Have you tried testing his testosterone level? Sounds like a classic case of low T.
Low testosterone levels is a very real and common issue for a great many men over the age of 40, but it's the topic very few people and even fewer doctors want to think about. In fact, it's really crazy the list of issues health professionals will try to ferret through to figure out low libido issues when checking test levels should be first on the list.
Testosterone gets a bad rep as the cause for many a man's lack of interest in sex.
I have been tested and have low testosterone. I still want ...no crave sex in a loving relationship. The problem is I dont have a loving relationship with my wife. THAT is the cause of MY lack of interest in sex with my wife.
I say that to say testosterone is not the missing link to explain all mens lack of interest...sometimes it is just not a good match...sexually that is.
Have you tried testing his testosterone level? Sounds like a classic case of low T.
Ny goodness what a great wife you are. Very sad and although I know that sympathy does not help at this time, I sure wish there was something I could offer to you . But I am in an utter loss for words.
Gum?
As the rest of the posters on this thread, I'm sorry about it. I'm in a similar situation, on the other side of the road. I like to believe there's a reason for everything, and even when I know this is not as good as it gets, I do appreciate what I do have.
I don't feel there's many things left for me to do, to try. I never had an affair, though... probably because there was never a chance.
Sometimes the frustration is enormous. But that's the way things are, and there are many things I have on my marriage that many people would love to have, so.. I chose to be happy, despite what it's missing in my life, because there are many others that complete me.