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..eyes of the dead
let's not pretend:
we don't close the eyes of the dead
to seal out visions from their gaze--
fixed, uncompromised,
oblivious to flies that
buzz, feed, shit, breed,
to grit, pollen, rain, or light.
pennies, laid, add weight;
some pray, to bolster hope
for sensibilities demand
they stay that way.
should cold eyes remain unveiled,
we are compelled:
imagine,
consider possibilities.
eye to eye we are
connected.
we are exposed.
it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes.
..
love this, I think it should start the poem
revision 1:eyes of the dead
let's not pretend:
we don't close the eyes of the dead
to seal out visions from their gaze--
fixed, uncompromised,
oblivious to flies that
buzz, feed, shit, breed,
to grit, pollen, rain, or light.
pennies, laid, add weight;
some pray, to bolster hope
for sensibilities demand
they stay that way.
should cold eyes remain unveiled,
we are compelled:
imagine,
consider possibilities.
eye to eye we are
connected.
we are exposed.
it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes.
revision 1:
eyes of the dead
it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes
seal celestial visions from their gaze
place stones or pennies on closed lids
and pray they stay that way...
unveiled eyes compel
eye to eye we are connected
our sensibilities exposed
we
imagine
it's not to protect the dead
that we close their eyes
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
this is more how i wrote it first, but not the same - didn't know if it was too obscure and needed expanding. i prefer it more concise, it's true.
overkill, using that phrase twice so close together?
Something I caught on the second, also seal bothers me, entomb celestial visions?I like the concise version. “seal celestial visions in their gaze” sounds better to me but may not be what you intended.
I like the concise version. “seal celestial visions in their gaze” sounds better to me but may not be what you intended.
Something I caught on the second, also seal bothers me, entomb celestial visions?
*note to self: try to find another word to use instead of dip when it comes to quills and inkwells
*note to self: try to find another word to use instead of dip when it comes to quills and inkwells
“Sip” perhaps, given all the mysterious twists and turns in the poem?
maybe!Lol
Might have to look up a variant in another language
I’ve noticed that certain words pop up in writing at different intervals and become mainstays till I realised I’m doing it and start seeking new words, new phrases. The infinite numbers of combination meanings and intents scares me sometimes as if I might drown in the possibilities because there is always something else behind the current level.
nice!“Sip” perhaps, given all the mysterious twists and turns in the poem?
it does *nods*My thought too, a nib does kind of sip the ink and the word "sip" sits well with "spill".
breathing the void
adrift on god's inkwell
steal a shooting star
his heavens can spare one
use it for your quill
to sip
to spill
of eyes that ghost beneath its surface
a hammer of hearts to sing your veins
infinity touched
stirred by a transparency of finite fins
and how small mouths taste an ocean's loneliness
all sorrows salt
how dreams have no beginning, no end
life slips between
one plane and the next
when black suns hide beyond the pale
arc of a wing
sleep and death all dreams within dreams
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
that hazy place between wake and sleep, when a damned line won't allow you to cross the barrier but insists on being written *sigh*
..thanks, to both of you for taking the time to read and comment. so busy here lately there's never enough time. roll on, autumn!
..
adrift on (in) god's inkwell
steal a shooting star
his heavens can spare one
..
one small change ties a lot of similar words together in the rest of the poem.