The Queernesss Thread

Annie_girl218 said:

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this but since it doesn't seem to fit "exactly" anywhere else, I thought maybe this might be a good place.

I have always identified as a heterosexual woman. For the most part it is men that I think when I think sex BUT my whole life, there have been a limited number of particular women that provoke a very strong sexual reaction in me.

I don't have to know them well. In fact, it's usually something I feel right away. I want to touch them. I want to smell them. I can't help but stare and I get that -my innards just bounced on shoes, up to my throat and then back down again- feeling that's usually followed by damp panties.

I've thought that this might be related to pheromones as someone posted but I would have expected that if that was the case, there would be more women that I would react to in this way.

Is there anyone else that experiences attraction to the same sex in this way?

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*raises hand* I do too. you are by no means 'alone'.

For me, it's not about they way they look, considering the wide range of looks on those that I've reacted this way too. I don't really know how to describe it. It's just something about them, and I wouldn't say that it was their pheromones either considering the physical distance between us when it happens. It's more like their aura that draws me in.

I don't get the bounced up feeling though. I get a sinking feeling (along with the dampness). Along with a possessiveness. I want to control them. Make them beg me. Tease them. Touch them. Taste them. I have never been with a female Dom, only sub ones. I have no desire to submit to a female. Nor do I wish to be in a one-on-one relationship with a female either... Nope I like men just waaaay too damn much.

In my 'perfect world', I want to be my M's slave girl with other female subby's for us to play with on occasion.

And here's hoping you find the female sub of your dreams.

Personally, I cannot submit to a man. Just-- ick. I can submit to a woman, but not to a woman who is owned by some dude. Icky ick.

Luckily, the world is full of women who have no problem with heteronormativity, so I don't have to be bothered with it...

Stella_Omega said:

And here's hoping you find the female sub of your dreams.

Personally, I cannot submit to a man. Just-- ick. I can submit to a woman, but not to a woman who is owned by some dude. Icky ick.

Luckily, the world is full of women who have no problem with heteronormativity, so I don't have to be bothered with it...

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I didn't think I could Top a woman worth a shit.... Fortunately for me, I am learning that is not the truth...

(There should be a little emoticon doing the snoopy dance here...)

will this one do?

Stella_Omega said:

will this one do?

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That works...

Seriously, I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time. I feel comfortable. I feel like "me..." I had the realization today that I am not second-guessing myself, or what I am doing... Talk about a moment of enlightenment...and lightening an emotional load...


(And this has little to do with queerness I suppose....)

HottieMama said:

That works...

Seriously, I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time. I feel comfortable. I feel like "me..." I had the realization today that I am not second-guessing myself, or what I am doing... Talk about a moment of enlightenment...and lightening an emotional load...


(And this has little to do with queerness I suppose....)

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Yay for happy, comfortable and feeling like oneself.

HottieMama said:

That works...

Seriously, I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time. I feel comfortable. I feel like "me..." I had the realization today that I am not second-guessing myself, or what I am doing... Talk about a moment of enlightenment...and lightening an emotional load...


(And this has little to do with queerness I suppose....)

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What happy? Confident? Sounds kinda queer to me...

So happy for you! (and I have felt like that all day today too)

And I just realized that my "title" is really funny right now...

Thanks Stella...

Today's thoughts...

An odd thought~

does one's queer card carry any restrictions?

I mean how long does one go through life being neither one thing nor the other before one gets tired of that..."Don't know where I fit" or even "Do I want to fit." feeling.

Mostly I have reached the age of damn near 40 and I still feel the same way I always have.

I play rough, I love rough and people's bits don't change how I feel about them. I could love a man but I choose not to. I could love a woman (and I do). I could love a TG person and it wouldn't make the least bit of difference to me.

But shouldn't I have a line?

Submitting to a male? Not easy but with the right man I could. (VERY rare...but I could)

Bottoming to a male? Much easier but still rare.

Submitting to a female? Unless she is a Hard Femme or Totally Boi or Stud? Not gonna happen, EVER.

Bottoming to a female? Easy, very easy.

Running the fuck from Top space? With women? Like breathing. Men? Depends upon the man.

So shouldn't my queer card have limits?

And Gods, don't even get me started on all the other things that make me think I should probably pick a side...even though I don't really WANT to.

(I couldn't think of ANY place else to stick this Stella...so I hope you don't mind that I used your space to think out loud...)

Luna_Wolf72 said:

An odd thought~

does one's queer card carry any restrictions?

I mean how long does one go through life being neither one thing nor the other before one gets tired of that..."Don't know where I fit" or even "Do I want to fit." feeling.

Mostly I have reached the age of damn near 40 and I still feel the same way I always have.

I play rough, I love rough and people's bits don't change how I feel about them. I could love a man but I choose not to. I could love a woman (and I do). I could love a TG person and it wouldn't make the least bit of difference to me.

But shouldn't I have a line?

Submitting to a male? Not easy but with the right man I could. (VERY rare...but I could)

Bottoming to a male? Much easier but still rare.

Submitting to a female? Unless she is a Hard Femme or Totally Boi or Stud? Not gonna happen, EVER.

Bottoming to a female? Easy, very easy.

Running the fuck from Top space? With women? Like breathing. Men? Depends upon the man.

So shouldn't my queer card have limits?

And Gods, don't even get me started on all the other things that make me think I should probably pick a side...even though I don't really WANT to.

(I couldn't think of ANY place else to stick this Stella...so I hope you don't mind that I used your space to think out loud...)

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For me, every time I have thought I had a line...or a limit...someone has come along, held out a hand or waved something in my face and I've crossed it...so, having another decade on you age wise, I have come to the conclusion I am okay with that. I am okay with all of this being a very fluid thing to me...I like where I am with this part of my life...wondering what the next adventure will be. I truly believe that as long as you are not crossing lines that go into the truly nonconsensual side of things, it is okay as long as you are psychologically and emotionally okay with it.

HottieMama said:

That works...

Seriously, I am the happiest I have been in a VERY long time. I feel comfortable. I feel like "me..." I had the realization today that I am not second-guessing myself, or what I am doing... Talk about a moment of enlightenment...and lightening an emotional load...


(And this has little to do with queerness I suppose....)

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Isn't that feeling just -the- best? Mmmmmmm Yes it is.

tcbyron said:

Isn't that feeling just -the- best? Mmmmmmm Yes it is.

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Unbelievably so...

And the woman who is the catalyst for these feelings is coming over for dinner tonight...

Stella_Omega said:

And here's hoping you find the female sub of your dreams.

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Thank you Stella.

Luna_Wolf72 said:

An odd thought~

does one's queer card carry any restrictions?

I mean how long does one go through life being neither one thing nor the other before one gets tired of that..."Don't know where I fit" or even "Do I want to fit." feeling.

Click to expand...

Sorry but - Hell No! Why should there be any 'restrictions' on who you are or what you want? Just be you and enjoy yourself.

Personally, I'm proud to say I do -not- fit into any generalized categories from the ever expanding range of things I enjoy. We can either be who we are inside, who we know we are. Or. We can sensor ourselves for john q public and so they can package us up neatly into a little predefined box of 'who we are' and slap a label on it.

HottieMama said:

Unbelievably so...

And the woman who is the catalyst for these feelings is coming over for dinner tonight...

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Ooooh, sounds like fun Hottie!

Have fun and enjoy yourself for all of us who will be having dinner alone.

And...of course...no matter how confident I may feel...in those moments right before she is due to arrive, I become a nervous wreck....

(She will be here in 19 minutes...)

His_pet_slut said:

For me, every time I have thought I had a line...or a limit...someone has come along, held out a hand or waved something in my face and I've crossed it...so, having another decade on you age wise, I have come to the conclusion I am okay with that. I am okay with all of this being a very fluid thing to me...I like where I am with this part of my life...wondering what the next adventure will be. I truly believe that as long as you are not crossing lines that go into the truly nonconsensual side of things, it is okay as long as you are psychologically and emotionally okay with it.

Click to expand...

The problem is that I no longer FEEL emotionally okay with not fitting.

It used to be a badge of honor, the not belonging to any particular group. I used to be proud of that. I am not so proud of it any longer...and I am tired of not having anyone around me in the Real World who feels like I do.

*sighs*

tcbyron said:

Thank you Stella.



Sorry but - Hell No! Why should there be any 'restrictions' on who you are or what you want? Just be you and enjoy yourself.

Personally, I'm proud to say I do -not- fit into any generalized categories from the ever expanding range of things I enjoy. We can either be who we are inside, who we know we are. Or. We can sensor ourselves for john q public and so they can package us up neatly into a little predefined box of 'who we are' and slap a label on it.

Click to expand...

I have never censored myself. I refuse to. The problem isn't john q public. It's me.
And it is a very scary place to be in right now.

I have spent over 25 years as an actively out, actively queer, actively feminist Boi. I have spent over 25 years being loud and proud~of my ethnic background, of my sexuality, of my self..

I am just not so proud any more and feeling boxed in by the preconceived notions I have built up in my own head about who and what I am meant to be. I am tired of fighting battles that never change, that never end, that never make me feel any closer to learning about the me at the bottom of me.

THIS is why I am thinking I need limits....cuz I no longer know who or what I am.

You know, the longer I live, the more I realize I'm turning into an angry queer woman.

But I still hate the fucking word.

Ah, Luna...that doesn't sound like a good 'place' to be. Do you have an equality center or anything of that nature near you to get involved with?

I was very reluctant to approach ours initially. One, I live in a modest sized university town, not a major city. Two, when I had tried to develop ties in the 'community' many years ago I was scorned as either fronting by having a male spouse or just trying to please him and really a heterosexual female looking to 'swing'. There was no place at the table so to speak for a bisexual, poly woman that loved being tied up and having her ass beat...among other things.

Now things have changed and I not only fit in, but 4 out of 5 lesbians in this area concur that I am hot. I have a wide range of friends and a lot of us don't fit any specific label within the spectrum.

Stella................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Ummm....that little bathroom activity you described in another thread...is super hot when done in your own apartment too....


Just saying...

OMG, awesome!

Plus, it's so much safer-- no worries about being arrested for indecent activities in a restaurant bathroom. So you mess around much longer. And further too.

Stella_Omega said:

OMG, awesome!

Plus, it's so much safer-- no worries about being arrested for indecent activities in a restaurant bathroom. So you mess around much longer. And further too.

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Thank you, Stella... Yeah...it was super fun... The look on her face was awesome..especially when she realized that I was not doing it to humiliate her...but to bring myself pleasure...

But seriously, thank you for posting what you did initially. It gave me the "balls" to do it myself. (This is one of those fetishes for me that even with as much experience as I have in general, I have never been comfortable being open about...)

HottieMama said:

Thank you, Stella... Yeah...it was super fun... The look on her face was awesome..especially when she realized that I was not doing it to humiliate her...but to bring myself pleasure...

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Right? It flips the whole dynamic over. And once you've done it with one thing... your playmate will never know what to expect!

But seriously, thank you for posting what you did initially. It gave me the "balls" to do it myself. (This is one of those fetishes for me that even with as much experience as I have in general, I have never been comfortable being open about...)

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It's something I too had to get "permission" to acknowledge, and I only did that when my first friend asked for that first scene-- even though I'd been rolling it around in my mind...

come to find out she too had worried. And she felt I had given her "permission," which I think I did-- just by nagging her to tell me a couple of times.

Women are funny that way.

Top. dom. sub. bottom. And the differences between them. AKA "Stella's usual rant."

Note: Our society has become very enamored of the concept of Dom and Sub. Many people come into the lifestyle without ever hearing that any other dynamic can exist, which is why I have written this little essay. I do not wish to give the impression that you or anyone else are restricted to one or another of the roles I have described here. My reason for writing it, in fact, is exactly the opposite-- to show that there are more roles and motivations within BDSM than are commonly recognised.

I don't want to give the impression that any role is solid or permanent. There is a lot of fluidity in most people. Needs and desires change and mutate over a lifetime, within a relationship, for any reason or none. And motives, methods, preferences can be mixed together.


----
Many people know what they want to feel, and how they want to feel it, and many people get a lot of pleasure out of providing sensation for someone else. This kind of dynamic is widely misunderstood in current BDSM parlance.

Let me start with a handful of Definitions;

This, as someone recently pointed out to me, is not a definition included in Webster's dictionary. But the way I am using "top" and "bottom" here has been common since the seventies. I swear it! Long before I ever heard "submissive" and dominant" there was "top and bottom." Google agrees with me, so there.

Topping and bottoming refer to relative roles in activities. Dom and sub refer to relative roles in relationships.

When two people are fucking, there is usually one person who is active and one who is receptive. In SM activities, one person is doing unto, and one is being done unto. The active person is the top, the receptive person is the bottom.

Dominant and submissive refer to relative status. Also, for many people, the motivations behind many relational activities.

In the relationships that we define as D/s, one person's preferences and desires define the relationship, and the other person allows the relationship to be defined by their partner. We say the sub has given their power to the dom.

For our purposes here, we can say that topping and bottoming are the things we do, dom and sub are how or why we do those things.


------


Why are these distinctions important to you?

The big problem that arises from this misunderstanding and the resulting social expectations, is that people-- women in particular-- believe that they want to be submissive and owned because of their desire for sensation when what they really want is to have a whole lot of attention paid to them. And when a service top-- whose real intent is to serve-- thinks that he has to be the boss in all things, when in fact he might not be suited for that role at all.

Many people come into the lifestyle thinking that anyone who does unto, is dominant. Anyone who receives, is submissive. That's not always true; Not all tops are doms. Likewise, not all bottoms are subs.

Folks who know how they want to be done are often called "Bossy bottoms," or SAM's ("Smart Ass Masochists") or "Pillow Princesses" or other things, but they they might actually be "Dominant Bottoms." They might not be submissive at all, in other words. And really, there is no reason why they should try to be.

Tops who *want to provide* what such a person *wants to feel* get told that they are wimps, or not really Doms-- and in fact, they might not consider themselves to be dominant. They can call themselves "Service Tops," and IMO, that's a mighty fine and honorable position to claim. An active partner might not be suited to be the boss. If not, then there is no reason why they should try to be.


If you want more information on what kinds of things can happen in BDSM, I recommend these books, All four of them are 'old' these days, and pretty much every other book about BSM is a repeat of what is in these books.

They are;
The New Topping Book
The New Bottoming Book by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy
Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns by Philip Miller and Molly Devon
SM 101; A realistic Introduction by Jay Wiseman

They can be found at Amazon or ordered from your local independent bookseller.

Edit: This is NOT my idea or my picture. It's my Google fu.
Here's the original post;
http://fd-midori.livejournal.com/368756.html

and here's the source of the cartoon;
http://girlslikethis.tumblr.com/post/2715161172/more-scarf-harness-inspired-by-midori
I posted it to my own site so as not to be livelinking.
Mea culpa.

Anyway, check this out;

You need two strips of soft fabric, or two scarves, long enough to go around your hips and tie securely-- make sure you use a method that lets you untie them too!
(this is linked from my own website, moderator)

Here are ways to use the same method on other things;
http://siliconevalley.tumblr.com/po...-really-strap-a-dildo-to-a-chair-and-anything

Stella_Omega said:

Anyway, check this out;

You need two strips of soft fabric, or two scarves, long enough to go around your hips and tie securely-- make sure you use a method that lets you untie them too!
(this is linked from my own website, moderator)

Here are ways to use the same method on other things;
http://siliconevalley.tumblr.com/po...-really-strap-a-dildo-to-a-chair-and-anything

Click to expand...

Oh... Oh thank you, Stella. Thank you for showing me this. It will get some use, in this house.