Newbies

Arkhilokhus said:

Maybe this is the right thread for this.

I feel very conflicted as I start to accept the submissive part of me. It's hard, because I left my ex-wife because she was too controlling. And yet, I also have this itch that I strongly believe a Domme could scratch, but probably not anyone else. So there's a tension there that's a little hard to navigate sometimes, especially when I hear people talk about TPE and surrendering control in a very deep way. Because I've been in that kind of situation, in a way, and it broke me for a long time.

Possibly this issue is just harder to navigate when you're single, and you don't have the experience of a D/s relationship to draw on?

Click to expand...

Perhaps you are like me-selectively submissive? There is no way that I could or would be submissive to my husband. I love him dearly but he doesn't bring out the submissive in me. Very very few men have seen that side of me. My PYL is the only man I have ever fully submitted to.

Maybe you just have to find the right person?

ecstaticsub said:

Perhaps you are like me-selectively submissive? There is no way that I could or would be submissive to my husband. I love him dearly but he doesn't bring out the submissive in me. Very very few men have seen that side of me. My PYL is the only man I have ever fully submitted to.

Maybe you just have to find the right person?

Click to expand...

I'm starting to think that I might be that way but I'm not exactly sure.

ecstaticsub said:

Perhaps you are like me-selectively submissive? There is no way that I could or would be submissive to my husband. I love him dearly but he doesn't bring out the submissive in me. Very very few men have seen that side of me. My PYL is the only man I have ever fully submitted to.

Maybe you just have to find the right person?

Click to expand...

If you don't mind sharing, what's different about your PYL that brings out that side of you?

And I'm different. I find that as soon as a relationship begins to approach emotional intimacy, I start asking to be marked as "hers" and asking how I can please her and so on (this generally leads to what I've come to call the "I need a Real Man(TM)" talk). And as I've said elsewhere, I feel at least a small degree of submissiveness to every woman I have contact with. It is true, though, that some women pull it out of me more than others. Why? I have no real idea, although it doesn't seem to be connected to sexual attractiveness. Still trying to suss this one out.

But yes, my ex-wife brought out my submissiveness, at least at first. But obviously a line was crossed somewhere, until I felt like I had nothing left to give. It'd be nice if I could figure out where that line is, but maybe ZRT's advice is the best: I'll just have to go slow next time, despite my inclination to throw myself at her, and find out where thoat line is through exploration.

Also a newbie here, for all practical purposes, so I thought I'd say hi to everyone. I started lurking here a long time ago, but gave up for a few years when I realized I was in no position to actually turn any knowledge I might glean into something useful for a relationship. A short-lived relationship dragged me back to lurking here, and although that's gone, I've still realized I can't just crawl back into the vanilla world, so I might as well actually start posting and talking to people here instead of lurking.

If this is to be a thread for newbies, then maybe some reference links for same would be in order.

If you weren't aware, there is a Library in the BDSM forum for finding threads and links, etc. We've had a great group of librarians in the past and present who have undertaken the rather large task of linking what we all chat about into an orderly source of reference material.

Yes, strange as it may seem, those who post here do say something worth while, from time to time. And for those who would otherwise be forced to search the abyss of threads, our librarians are sorting it all out and linking topics and terms into an organized mass of kinky information.

Below is a thread started by a past moderator, to allow members to post links that might be helpful for the newbie. I found it while looking for something that would be informative for newbies to BDSM.

Keep in mind that this thread was started years ago, and so some links might no longer exist. But, I think it should give those seeking that "inner me" a little help in that search.


Good info sites for those just coming to BDSM

Arkhilokhus said:

If you don't mind sharing, what's different about your PYL that brings out that side of you?

And I'm different. I find that as soon as a relationship begins to approach emotional intimacy, I start asking to be marked as "hers" and asking how I can please her and so on (this generally leads to what I've come to call the "I need a Real Man(TM)" talk). And as I've said elsewhere, I feel at least a small degree of submissiveness to every woman I have contact with. It is true, though, that some women pull it out of me more than others. Why? I have no real idea, although it doesn't seem to be connected to sexual attractiveness. Still trying to suss this one out.

But yes, my ex-wife brought out my submissiveness, at least at first. But obviously a line was crossed somewhere, until I felt like I had nothing left to give. It'd be nice if I could figure out where that line is, but maybe ZRT's advice is the best: I'll just have to go slow next time, despite my inclination to throw myself at her, and find out where thoat line is through exploration.

Click to expand...

I would say the number one difference is that he is the first man I have ever met who is so self-confident sexually and with himself without being rudely arrogant or otherwise a total jerk. Being about to pull off that kind of dominant personality without setting off my bullshit asshat alarms impressed me. He is so good at a what he does too, I'm often in awe of him and his effect over me.

Resurrecting this thread to whine a little more.

I seem to be at a new, annoying stage in the whole acceptance process. I find I'll read something, or recall something, that will set me off, e.g., a Domme defending having intercourse with her sub by saying that she likes it and of course she would never do anything to satisfy his needs. And I'll just balk at the whole ide of ever submitting. But then I'll remember how things have gone with vanilla relationships, and with a couple submissive girls who I mistakenly let talk me into trying to act dominant, and before you know it I've been fighting with myself for a couple hours and my mind and stomach are both in knots.

So I just walk away from the idea for a bit, and go masturbate to relax. And inevitably, the closer I get to orgasm the more submissive I feel. And then, after I come however many times, I suddenly find the whole idea of submission incredibly soothing and I'm happy again.

Sometimes my mind really pisses me off.

Arkhilokhus said:

Resurrecting this thread to whine a little more.

I seem to be at a new, annoying stage in the whole acceptance process. I find I'll read something, or recall something, that will set me off, e.g., a Domme defending having intercourse with her sub by saying that she likes it and of course she would never do anything to satisfy his needs. And I'll just balk at the whole idea of ever submitting. But then I'll remember how things have gone with vanilla relationships, and with a couple submissive girls who I mistakenly let talk me into trying to act dominant, and before you know it I've been fighting with myself for a couple hours and my mind and stomach are both in knots.

So I just walk away from the idea for a bit, and go masturbate to relax. And inevitably, the closer I get to orgasm the more submissive I feel. And then, after I come however many times, I suddenly find the whole idea of submission incredibly soothing and I'm happy again.

Sometimes my mind really pisses me off.

Click to expand...

Might I suggest it could be helpful to remember that not all dominant-type people operate on the "never do anything to satisfy his/her needs" level?

People who proclaim the opposite loud and clear are actually doing you a favor, really... you know from the get go that they are everything you're not looking for, so there's no sense in wasting time getting to know them, right?

[So sayeth Pollyanna. ]

Arkhilokhus said:

Sometimes my mind really pisses me off.

Click to expand...

Ah. Join the club. lol

Arkhilokhus said:

Resurrecting this thread to whine a little more.

I seem to be at a new, annoying stage in the whole acceptance process. I find I'll read something, or recall something, that will set me off, e.g., a Domme defending having intercourse with her sub by saying that she likes it and of course she would never do anything to satisfy his needs. And I'll just balk at the whole ide of ever submitting. But then I'll remember how things have gone with vanilla relationships, and with a couple submissive girls who I mistakenly let talk me into trying to act dominant, and before you know it I've been fighting with myself for a couple hours and my mind and stomach are both in knots.

So I just walk away from the idea for a bit, and go masturbate to relax. And inevitably, the closer I get to orgasm the more submissive I feel. And then, after I come however many times, I suddenly find the whole idea of submission incredibly soothing and I'm happy again.

Sometimes my mind really pisses me off.

Click to expand...

OK, if I understand you correctly, here's what I have to say. Don't try to fit yourself into some category that others have created. Sure, it's good to read things, to find out some of the basics of the lifestyle, etc. but just because others say something, that doesn't mean it's for you.

If you feel a certain way when you're around one woman and not when you're around another, don't try to figure it out. There's nothing wrong with that. Not everybody will be attractive to you, sexually.

Many of the women I meet I see as sexually submissive to me. I know there's a woman out there that I could submit to, I just haven't found her, yet. And, I don't find every woman sexually attractive. I also know there are a good many women who don't find me sexually attractive, either.

It's a chemical reaction between the two people. And, some of it is because I don't act like the kind of Dom they find attractive. But, I can't enjoy acting a part just to please others. I have to be myself. I have to be the type of Dom I enjoy being and I will only attract a certain number of women because of that. So, I guess that means I'm a Dom with baggage?

I have this bouncing around in my head and I've got to get it out. Remember the O.J. Trial? If it doesn't fit, you can't submit!

i'm not sure i want to get back into D/s. i feel a certain pull to stay out of it for now, take a break. i'm so torn, it's such a part of me. i guess you could say i'm really fucked up right now.

CutieMouse said:

Might I suggest it could be helpful to remember that not all dominant-type people operate on the "never do anything to satisfy his/her needs" level?

People who proclaim the opposite loud and clear are actually doing you a favor, really... you know from the get go that they are everything you're not looking for, so there's no sense in wasting time getting to know them, right?

[So sayeth Pollyanna. ]

Click to expand...

DVS said:

OK, if I understand you correctly, here's what I have to say. Don't try to fit yourself into some category that others have created. Sure, it's good to read things, to find out some of the basics of the lifestyle, etc. but just because others say something, that doesn't mean it's for you.

Click to expand...

I think you're both right. I usually do know better than to let what I find on the internet affect me too deeply, but for some reason, when it comes to D/s I'm more emotionally vulnerable and unstable than normal.

Well, actually, I know where it comes from. Recognizing that I do better when I accept leadership of someone else over my personal life is a hard pill to swallow, especially since a lot of my self-esteem is built on being fiercely independent and intelligent. I'm mostly okay with understanding that submitting doesn't say anything about my intelligence - for God's sake, I served under enough people as a Marine to know that a subordinate can put his intellectual gifts in the hands of a superior - but the whole independence issue is taking some work. And so when I see comments about how a "true submissive" wouldn't have any needs or desires aside from pleasing their PYL, well, that particular button gets pushed. At least I know it's a button - that's gotta count for something, right?

Regardless, I do feel better now, thanks to your reminders. Quite a bit, actually. So thank you.

DVS said:

I have this bouncing around in my head and I've got to get it out. Remember the O.J. Trial? If it doesn't fit, you can't submit!

Click to expand...

::laughs:: I like that one, actually!