How do you help someone get over being abused

Gil_T2 said:

MARIE this has been posted at a good time as a friend is going through a bad time & think this might help.

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sweet_marie said:

Thanks

ps: love your costume!

hugs
Marie

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Don K Dyck said:

heheheheh . . . wait 'til you see his coffee mug . . .

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kikmosa said:

It was hard for me. Everyone around me was crying and carrying on and I couldn't even shed a tear. I felt so bad. All I could think was that they would think I didn't really care but I did. I just can't cry. Mark kept assuring me that they understood but I just felt so uncomfortable. I just don't know how to express all of the pain I feel inside. I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes, and it eats at me. I've got to find some way to deal with it before it tears me apart.

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Gil_T2 said:

Just posting some links that might help abuse victims.

http://www.rainn.org/

http://www.ndvh.org/

http://www.ncadv.org/

http://www.nsvrc.org/

http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/vawo/

http://www.malesurvivor.org/

http://www.vaw.umn.edu/

http://www.voices-action.org/

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Don K Dyck said:

heheheheh . . . wait 'til you see his coffee mug . . .

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kikmosa said:

One more thing for me to work on I guess. The list just keeps getting longer. But at least I'm working on them and not just hiding it all in the back of my mind and pretending it doesn't exist, anymore. That's a step in the right direction.

Once again, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Love, Kiki.

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Hi Kiki

First, Good for you to Deal With Stuff! That is so hard....stop right now and pat yourself on the back...sometimes I don't think we do that enough when we get a good thing done! So what fun thing are you rewarding yourself with? Me, I found the cutest little undies in the Pyramid Collection..I have no one to wear them for, but hey, they're cute and I earned them for going through an emotional milestone. Besides, I had to watch the chocolate intake!

Second. You are human! You are feeling...take pride in that. Now all you need to do is go to the next step....physically expressing feelings.

Guess what? A lot of people, victims or not, have a hard time with this one so you are most definately not alone! Another Good for You to take this hurdle...its something only a very brave person would/could do.

About not crying, and anyone feel free to pick this apart...but it takes a victim to find a really safe place to be before they can go from victim to survivor.....and that transition most usually includeds the ability to cry and physically express emotion again. Think about it as re-learning a good habit you had and then lost, like putting the car keys away so you can find them again. Its not a stigma that you can't find the darn keys, you just have to make an effort to put them back where they are supposed to be....and this effort you have begun.

The first thing that is helpful is to figure out what would make you feel safe and secure. One friend got a big stuffed tiger. That way when she went to bed with her books and her tea and her tiger, she could work her way through what she needed so she could sleep that night when she was in a safe place...with her tiger.

For me, I get very agitated if I don't have music on. I live and breathe music, its what expresses my emotions for me when I can't, and that makes me feel better. I also have 2 65+ pound dogs...and a cat...and an eel with a broken back. So, I don't lack for company either


A very dear friend and medical social worker (not health and welfare type, more counselling oriented and very knowledgable) told me

"Do what you need to do."

Take that to heart. You might think you are wierd when your emotions come out "funny" or not as other people have been socially conditioned to expect.

Whatever.

Actively seek to learn extremes. And as you learn extremes, you'll learn where you want to be, closer and closer to the middle. Then, when you hit your comfy medium, you will know without doubt that is where you are meant to be. That takes time. Don't sweat the small stuff, let it take time.

Sometimes it will take a traumatic event(s) to trigger the need to start learning to physically feel again.

It took me about 3 years, two car accidents within 4 months, my best friend trying to steal my boyfriend and said boyfriend to royally break my heart to finally get to the point that I began express emotions again. I lost almost every friend I had at the time, because I was "weird". If I felt it, by damn it all came out!

I was simply at the point where if I needed to hit the steering wheel and crank up the heat and roll down the windows and scream my head off in -5 degree weather, then by golly that's what I did. If it took running around in bare snow....telling someone the only thing I really wanted to do with them at that moment was run a big diesel truck over them...then I did it.

In otherwords, don't worry what other people think of you when you are busy trying to get your emotions together again. They are your emotions, you are searching for them like a treasure hunt, and every treasure hunt has its ups and downs.

So how does one even start the treasure hunt?

I can't tell you. (yeah, I know...)

But I can say that when the student is ready, the teacher will arrive. When you are ready to tackle a problem, and it looks like you are from the sound of it, the path will be right there in front of your face.

Just remember:

1. You've survived a hell of a lot worse.
2. You have two arms, two legs. The sun will come up tomorrow and its going to go down tonight. Take comfort in that as a constant and keep plugging along.
3. you win some, you lose some.
4. Life's a dance, you learn as you go.
5. You've got courage, fortitude and passion. You're going to be fine and you're going to do it right.
6. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
7. Remember you're free now.
8. Breathe some more.
(this is the part I'm at right now so don't feel alone )

Well, enough rambling...I really hope some of this helps and makes some sense.....

big hugs to ya honey

Marie

kikmosa said:

I want to thank all of my friends here. You made it a lot easier to get through an awfull time.

The funeral was beautiful but long. There was a service at the funeral home then one at the catholic church he went to, then a military one at the cemetary because he was a vet. Then a reception (irish tradition) at the VFW post he belonged to. They even flew the flag at half mast for him. Then a get-together at their home afterwards for the family. Altogether it lasted from 8:30 in the morning til 10:30 at night. And that doesn't count the wake they had the day before.

It was hard for me. Everyone around me was crying and carrying on and I couldn't even shed a tear. I felt so bad. All I could think was that they would think I didn't really care but I did. I just can't cry. Mark kept assuring me that they understood but I just felt so uncomfortable. I just don't know how to express all of the pain I feel inside. I feel like I'm going to explode sometimes, and it eats at me. I've got to find some way to deal with it before it tears me apart.

One more thing for me to work on I guess. The list just keeps getting longer. But at least I'm working on them and not just hiding it all in the back of my mind and pretending it doesn't exist, anymore. That's a step in the right direction.

Once again, thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

Love, Kiki.

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sweet_marie said:

Thanks for saying something Don....I would have been sorry to miss that one

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sweet_marie said:

Nice Coffee Mug!

{{{{Gil, Don, Kiki}}}}
{{{{mortalwombat and anyone else I missed!}}}}


News for me:

Went out to a mild bar last night with an older friend/nurse who works with me at the hospital....I wore a nice boob shirt (read: very brave) and we played pool....were promptly mistaken for lovers (one old dorkus said to Eileen "Your partner has a smooth stroke" ) and otherwise had a nice time. I guess that's where the older/grad students study during the day.....the place feels good so I guess its a nice place to study for me now that being outdoors in the park is gettin' a little on the cool side.

Well, that's all for now. Oh yeah, one other thing.... I have a little story I was wondering if someone would read and critique with/for me. But I don't know where to put it. Ideas? (Yeah, this is grounds for a bump, but I had to ask!)

Marie

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Noor said:

Kiki,

Mark is right, people express grief differently. I rarely cry probably because it used to not be safe to cry.
Maybe you could make drawings or paintings to express the pain you feel inside. I used to swim and hit the water as hard as I could while doing laps.

Noor

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Gil_T2 said:

LOL might have to bring out my TUTU AV.

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wicked woman said:

NO no! not the infamous tutu! Say it isn't so.

*admiring the coffee mug*

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Gil_T2 said:

LOL I didn't realise there were so many coffee addicts on LIT

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wicked woman said:

Actually I don't drink coffee...but I sure enjoy that mug

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wicked woman said:

Actually I don't drink coffee...but I sure enjoy that mug

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mortalwombat said:

the mugs not to bad but i wouldn't be drinking from a mug sitting in that coffee table!

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mortalwombat said:

the mugs not to bad but i wouldn't be drinking from a mug sitting in that coffee table!

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sweet_marie said:

Oh have some adventure

Hi to all....
Marie

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Lyrical Fool said:

I'm not sure anyone will even remember, but I posted just a day or two before Katrina hit.

I have sporadic net access at work but can't get to this site there.

I will read through and update on progress as I can.

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Gil_T2 said:

Life is one long adventure & without some risk taking the effects of the bad things will linger longer, this has led to some wild times for me over the years & the bad seem to have less hold on me so give it a go, take some chances! some of the things i've done:Hanging of the side of a speedway motorcycle sidecar (they have no brakes), raced speedway cars, ridden high power road bikes,dirt bikes, parrachuted, demo derbys, went overseas with no idea wher or what i would do,member of speedway fire rescue team etc etc life is to short to not have a go.

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