Word usage on my follow up story

[Beneaththesurface]

First off I would like to thank you for the input that I've received on my first story ”A Girl Named Desire”. I've just finished a follow up to it and have a question of how you would word this. The scene is very similar to one in the first story except that the characters roles are reversed. He is now the submissive one so the scene to him is sort of deja vu but the opposite. I found a term jamais vu that sound to me that it means to opposite of deja vu? Or would you write reverse deja vu? Also is the correct wording ” I lay back” or ” I lie back”? I will post a few paragraphs below. I am also looking for an editor if anyone is interested.

I am feeling quite vulnerable as I have never been the prey, always the predator. My hardness grows as I become more and more turned on. She firmly grasps the back of my head pulling me into her as she rubs her leather clad breasts into my face. It feels as though I am receiving a lap dance at a gentlemen’s club but I know that in someway this is going to be so much more than that.

Leaning her mouth close to my ear she whispers, “You have underestimated me. Haven’t you?”

I am only able to mutter out a low groan.

“Lay back,” she orders.

I do as instructed as a strange feeling if jamais vu comes over me. I curiously watch as she turns to the armoire and removes the same long black strips of satin material that I bound her with previously. A chill of excitement runs through my body in anticipation.

She returns to my side and ties one of the strips to my wrist and then to the bedpost. Her heels click against the floor again as she makes her way around to the other side of the bed. She binds my other wrist in the same fashion before returning to the foot of the bed. There she stands looking down upon me with a mischievous smile on her face.

“Now it’s Desire’s time to play, ” she seductively says as she partially unzips her tight leather skirt to allow more freedom of movement.

 

[AlinaX]

Not sure about any of those. Why not just: Reversal.

 

[SimonDoom]

I have no idea what "jamais vu" is and have never heard that term. I would get rid of it. Write in English. You're just going to confuse your readers if you use that term.

The correct verb is "lie" not "lay." "Lay" is a transitive verb. "I lay the book on the table." "Lie" is an intransitive verb, meaning it has no object. "I lie on the sofa." The past tense of "lie" is "lay", but your story is in present tense, so "lie" is the right verb.

 

[MelissaBaby]

Also is the correct wording ” I lay back” or ” I lie back”?

In first person narration, the correct wording is whichever the character would likely use.

I do as instructed as a strange feeling if jamais vu comes over me. I curiously watch as she turns to the armoire and removes the same long black strips of satin material that I bound her with previously.

I feel a curious disorientation as I do as I am instructed. I watch as she turns to the armoire and removes the same long black strips of satin material that I bound her with previously.

 

[Voboy]

Melissa has it right. It's first person. Write it how the character wants to say it.

And the word before "jamais vu" is a typo.

 

[PaperbackWriter007]

Jamais vu is precisely the right term for what you're describing (and is one of my favorite phrases), but I agree that few readers are going to recognize it.

However, that's not to say you shouldn't use it, perhaps with some context so that the reader *can* know what you're trying to say:

"I do as instructed as a strange feeling of jamais vu - of being in a familiar, but very different situation - comes over me."

Just my two cents.

 

[stickygirl]

I can't say I've ever experienced jamais vu but the French are drunkards and never say never.
It's lie back when it's an instruction. 'Lie back!' she said, so he lay back and got laid.

 

[yukonnights]

Jamais vu
In psychology, jamais vu, a French borrowing meaning "never seen", is the phenomenon of experiencing a situation that one recognizes in some fashion, but that nonetheless seems novel and unfamiliar. [ Wikipediea ]

The phrase is legitimate. The key will be to educate the reader;

I do as instructed. A strange feeling that seems familiar but unclear envelopes me. It's like that weird phrase my English teacher made us learn; A sense of 'jamais vu' comes over me in an unsettling wave.

Or some such in your own words. I vote for using the word, help further the education of the world one erotic story at a time

 

[SamScribble]

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but why oh why do so many ‘authors’ ask other writers how to write their stories?

It’s your story. You know what you want to say. Just write it. Maybe get an editor to look it over. And then post it and see what happens.

Other writers can write their own stories.

 

[NotWise]

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but why oh why do so many ‘authors’ ask other writers how to write their stories?

It’s your story. You know what you want to say. Just write it. Maybe get an editor to look it over. And then post it and see what happens.

Other writers can write their own stories.

I'm with Sam.

 

[Beneaththesurface]

I mean this in the kindest way possible, but why oh why do so many ‘authors’ ask other writers how to write their stories?

It’s your story. You know what you want to say. Just write it. Maybe get an editor to look it over. And then post it and see what happens.

Other writers can write their own stories.

Thank you for reading and responding. I am responding also in a kind way. First off I am not asking for someone to write my story. I happened to stumble upon a new word that might fit my story and wanted a second opinion on using the word. I also like to become more educated myself. Believe it or not there might be a few people out there that are more educated than me. LOL (that last part was my sarcasm)

Secondly, it's been many years since I took an English class so I would rather double-check my grammar usage before just tossing something up. like I said my writing is far from perfect and I am just trying to improve.

 

[Beneaththesurface]

Jamais vu
In psychology, jamais vu, a French borrowing meaning "never seen", is the phenomenon of experiencing a situation that one recognizes in some fashion, but that nonetheless seems novel and unfamiliar. [ Wikipediea ]

The phrase is legitimate. The key will be to educate the reader;

I do as instructed. A strange feeling that seems familiar but unclear envelopes me. It's like that weird phrase my English teacher made us learn; A sense of 'jamais vu' comes over me in an unsettling wave.

Or some such in your own words. I vote for using the word, help further the education of the world one erotic story at a time

Thank you for the response. When I researched the term that is exactly what I found and my thoughts on using it to further my education as well a others. I just needed a guiding hand. This is what I decided to use.

I do as instructed as this role reversal causes a strange feeling that is familiar but still unclear to come over me. This must be the sense of ‘jamais vu’ that I’ve learned about in a psychology class. I curiously watch as she turns to the armoire and removes the same long black strips of satin material that I bound her with previously. A chill of excitement runs through my body in anticipation.

 

[SamScribble]

I happened to stumble upon a new word that might fit my story and wanted a second opinion on using the word.

If you are just looking for a view on whether or not to use the term jamais vu, I'll ask you a couple of questions. For whom are you writing this story? Is jamais vu a term your intended reader will recognise and understand? If you are happy that they will, go for it. If not, remember that if he or she leaves your story to consult a dictionary - literally or figuratively - they may never return.

Good luck.

 

[SimonDoom]

It's your story and your intentions are what matter most. But these are my reactions:

1. I've never seen this phrase used in a work of fiction. I'm an educated and well-read person and I had no idea what you were talking about. I had to look it up.

2. Having looked it up, I still don't get it. I don't understand what the term adds to the scene or to our understanding of the narrator's perception. To me, it seems like a distraction that sends the reader scurrying for a dictionary rather than sticking by your narrative.

3. The scene does not back up the use of the phrase. You drop the phrase into the sentence but then move on. I don't understand what the phrase adds. I don't understand what purpose it serves in the story as a whole. For me, I think the problem is that this is telling and not showing. Rather than drop this phrase in, you should show for the reader HOW what the narrator is experiencing is something familiar and yet seems unfamiliar. The use of the phrase does not show this, so I'm confused.

4. I question whether the phrase is accurate in this scene. This seems more like a case of turnabout than jamais vu. He sees her using strips on him that he used on her before. That's not really jamais vu. I'd suggest just describing how the narrator responds and what he perceives and feels rather than using this word.

But that's just my suggestion.

 

[Beneaththesurface]

I would like to thank everyone for their input. It is great that you all take the time to help others out here. This seems to be a great community supporting each other both novice as well as more advanced writers.

 

[MelissaBaby]

1. I've never seen this phrase used in a work of fiction. I'm an educated and well-read person and I had no idea what you were talking about. I had to look it up.

“There was no mistaking the awesome implications of the chaplain’s revelation: it was either an insight of divine origin or a hallucination; he was either blessed or losing his mind. Both prospects filled him with equal fear and depression. It was neither déjà vu, presque vu nor jamais vu. It was possible that there were other vus of which he had never heard and that one of these other vus would explain succinctly the baffling phenomenon of which he had been both a witness and a part; it was even possible that none of what he thought had taken place, really had taken place, that he was dealing with an aberration of memory rather than of perception, that he never really had thought he had seen what he now thought he once did think he had seen, that his impression now that he once had thought so was merely the illusion of and illusion, and that he was only now imagining that he had ever once imagined seeing a naked man sitting in a tree at the cemetery.”

-Joseph Heller
Catch 22

 

[SimonDoom]

“There was no mistaking the awesome implications of the chaplain’s revelation: it was either an insight of divine origin or a hallucination; he was either blessed or losing his mind. Both prospects filled him with equal fear and depression. It was neither déjà vu, presque vu nor jamais vu. It was possible that there were other vus of which he had never heard and that one of these other vus would explain succinctly the baffling phenomenon of which he had been both a witness and a part; it was even possible that none of what he thought had taken place, really had taken place, that he was dealing with an aberration of memory rather than of perception, that he never really had thought he had seen what he now thought he once did think he had seen, that his impression now that he once had thought so was merely the illusion of and illusion, and that he was only now imagining that he had ever once imagined seeing a naked man sitting in a tree at the cemetery.”

-Joseph Heller
Catch 22

I read that book in my teens. That was quite a few decades ago. I cannot recall running across that term in all the reading I've done since then.

The question is: what does it add? What does the phrase add to the story? How does it enhance the reader's understanding of what's going on? My impression is that in this case it does not, at all. It is a term of art that most readers, including educated readers, will not understand. So it will not add to their understanding of the story. I'm not convinced based on the story snippet given that it's necessary or useful. If the author disagrees and feels strongly about it, that's fine. But the author asked for opinions. This is mine.

 

[MelissaBaby]

I read that book in my teens. That was quite a few decades ago. I cannot recall running across that term in all the reading I've done since then.

The question is: what does it add? What does the phrase add to the story? How does it enhance the reader's understanding of what's going on? My impression is that in this case it does not, at all. It is a term of art that most readers, including educated readers, will not understand. So it will not add to their understanding of the story. I'm not convinced based on the story snippet given that it's necessary or useful. If the author disagrees and feels strongly about it, that's fine. But the author asked for opinions. This is mine.

I just posted the quote because I knew I'd read the term somewhere and finally remembered where.

 

[ElectricBlue]

I just posted the quote because I knew I'd read the term somewhere and finally remembered where.

That's impressive, that you remembered in which book, and where in it!

For three or years in high school, a mate and I would read Catch 22 once a year, and recite chunks of it to each other. The bit that struck me most was McWatt, flying into the mountain after flying too low over the swimming pontoon. And then, of course, Doc Daneeka no longer existing because he didn't bail out of the plane. And the red-headed bloke rowing all the way to Sweden. And the Lepage glue gun...

 

[MelissaBaby]

That's impressive, that you remembered in which book, and where in it!

For three or years in high school, a mate and I would read Catch 22 once a year, and recite chunks of it to each other. The bit that struck me most was McWatt, flying into the mountain after flying too low over the swimming pontoon. And then, of course, Doc Daneeka no longer existing because he didn't bail out of the plane. And the red-headed bloke rowing all the way to Sweden. And the Lepage glue gun...

That's some catch, that catch-22.

 

[ElectricBlue]

That's some catch, that catch-22.

"It's the best catch there is."