"What is it that a Dom does?"

[EllAyyBee]

Thanks. It made me more cynical and it broke up a friendship. I was more heartbroken over that than I was him.

In hindsight, the poly relationship was the lure; I was interested in exploring it and I genuinely liked the two other women in the "family."

Mostly, it opened my eyes to the fact the letters D and s don't elevate us to a more connected plane. And, it cemented the reality being the s doesn't absolve me from responsibility.

It sounds like you managed to take goodness away from the experience. I applaud you for that.

 

[Primalex]

I don't want to have an argument over who does what. Sometimes I will do things, if I feel like it, but I don't want to have to tell her to do something she should already be doing. This doesn't mean I'm a slob, but it's her job to take care of US better than I can take care of me alone. If I have to remind her about something, she screwed up and she knows it.
[...]
She knows not to bother me with silly stuff about which of her girlfriends is doing what or that she missed watching her favorite TV show. THOSE THINGS are not important to me.
[...]
I never want to be left wondering if she's happy and content. It's her job to prove to me she is. Every day.

So you like being pampered by your mother..ahem..girlfriend. Whatever floats your boat, but I don't get what this has to do with dominance.

 

[Miasorrow]

I believe it's not what he does but how he feels. I think one should be possessed by his female.

 

[EllAyyBee]

"Your submission is not a gift, it's the payment for your very own demons, it's a sacrifice that you have to make to silence the voices of your sexual desires, it's the entrance fee to being reduced to a mindless mess of sexual surrender. I have nothing to do with your submission. I'm just the one who is there when you paid up." -- Primalex

Submission is neither payment, sacrifice, nor an entrance fee. Submission does not imply the presence of personal demons. Being submissive in no way reduces someone in any way, and certainly does not make one mindless. You, sir, are one very confused asshole.

 

[EllAyyBee]

I believe it's not what he does but how he feels. I think one should be possessed by his female.

I like the way you put that... possessed by his female.

 

[Primalex]

Submission is neither payment, sacrifice, nor an entrance fee. Submission does not imply the presence of personal demons. Being submissive in no way reduces someone in any way, and certainly does not make one mindless. You, sir, are one very confused asshole.

So the "I'd love to hear your different views and opinions." part was just a hoax?

 

[Penuche]

What does a Dom(me) do? Make you want to submit, sometimes in spite of yourself. Make you feel safe enough to do that.

 

[EllAyyBee]

So the "I'd love to hear your different views and opinions." part was just a hoax?

Not at all. I heard your views and I responded to them. That's how this forum thing works. Give, take. Just so happens I don't like your views on submission. I don't have to. And through the beautiful grace of freedom of speech, I also get to tell you I don't like them.

After all, for the sake of people who are here genuinely looking to learn about the dom/sub dynamic, it's good for them to know that your views are just one set of opinions and not at all remotely close to representative of what submission is about. Which in turn gives them an idea that your particular attitude as a dom is also a poor representation of the group.

 

[EllAyyBee]

What does a Dom(me) do? Make you want to submit, sometimes in spite of yourself. Make you feel safe enough to do that.

Yes. Absolutely. Especially like the "sometimes in spite of yourself" part. There's a magnetism between a dom and sub that draws that submission out. I live for those moments.

 

[Primalex]

Not at all. I heard your views and I responded to them. That's how this forum thing works. Give, take. Just so happens I don't like your views on submission. I don't have to. And through the beautiful grace of freedom of speech, I also get to tell you I don't like them.

I'm glad that you appreciate the free speech aspect of this board as much as I do.

So, you open your marriage and let your husband fuck other women, just so you can get even and squelch your desire to be a submissive - yet you insist on not being a slave of your personal demons, who make you sit in front of your computer on a Saturday evening, looking for a way to feed your brain with all these awesome hormones of being submissive to the right person.

This amuses me.

After all, for the sake of people who are here genuinely looking to learn about the dom/sub dynamic, it's good for them to know that your views are just one set of opinions and not at all remotely close to representative of what submission is about. Which in turn gives them an idea that your particular attitude as a dom is also a poor representation of the group.

"The group". Another amusing aspect of humans - to create arbitrary circles and, in the worst case, draw some sort of justification for actions (or insults) out of it. Even suicide bombers have their "us" and "them" in their mind and I have no idea if they are a poor or good representation of their group - I guess it would depend on whether you ask the 'them's or the 'us's.

 

[MeekMe]

After all, for the sake of people who are here genuinely looking to learn about the dom/sub dynamic, it's good for them to know that your views are just one set of opinions and not at all remotely close to representative of what submission is about. Which in turn gives them an idea that your particular attitude as a dom is also a poor representation of the group.

In my opinion, the overly romanticized view often portrayed in threads like this are more detrimental to people looking to learn about d/s. Too many people get hurt thinking they've found the holy grail of relationships only to find out that it's just a relationship and it takes just as much work as any other. Also, the "community" is made up of people. People that aren't defined completely by an overly simplified label. Those same people can be found anywhere in the world and identifying as a d-type doesn't automatically make them more honest or caring as some fluff would have one believe.

 

[midwestyankee]

A dominant loves in the uniquely best way for the unique submissive in the relationship.

 

[fire_breeze]

A dominant loves in the uniquely best way for the unique submissive in the relationship.

I have absolutely nothing to add (in fact, I am just a lurker on this hallowed board) but I do post-stalk midwestyankee and am very glad to see him posting again so that I can continue to do so.

In a completely innocent, non-creepy fashion, of course.

That is all.

 

[EllAyyBee]

In my opinion, the overly romanticized view often portrayed in threads like this are more detrimental to people looking to learn about d/s. Too many people get hurt thinking they've found the holy grail of relationships only to find out that it's just a relationship and it takes just as much work as any other. Also, the "community" is made up of people. People that aren't defined completely by an overly simplified label. Those same people can be found anywhere in the world and identifying as a d-type doesn't automatically make them more honest or caring as some fluff would have one believe.

Back at the beginning, I mentioned this was meant to give some views to a fellow litster looking to learn. I think the different posts here have covered a broad spectrum. I love that. Initially he was just assuming d/s was control and bondage. After reading this thread, and chatting today, he's been able to gain such a better understanding. I think what you've said sums up exactly what I wanted to convey. Saying you're a dom doesn't make you one. It takes a little learning for anyone involved. Thank you for your comment. Very nice

 

[Miasorrow]

Yes. Absolutely. Especially like the "sometimes in spite of yourself" part. There's a magnetism between a dom and sub that draws that submission out. I live for those moments.

What does a Dom(me) do? Make you want to submit, sometimes in spite of yourself. Make you feel safe enough to do that.

Exactly. Powerfully magnetic. Intense and dark at times.

 

[LadyVer]

So, what about couples who like to take turns in the roles of dom and sub? This is what I find confusing about d/s. From what I've seen on the forums, only one partner is d and and the other s, which to me doesn't make sense.

 

[EllAyyBee]

So, what about couples who like to take turns in the roles of dom and sub? This is what I find confusing about d/s. From what I've seen on the forums, only one partner is d and and the other s, which to me doesn't make sense.

I think there are some people who switch. I've heard of it anyway. It is confusing isn't it?

 

[MeekMe]

So, what about couples who like to take turns in the roles of dom and sub? This is what I find confusing about d/s. From what I've seen on the forums, only one partner is d and and the other s, which to me doesn't make sense.

Switch. Or whatever they want to call it. It's common and strangely under represented in this forum. People get very caught up in the labels and sometimes that can be very narrow. They think they have to choose one or the other so many of the questions that pop up deal in one or the other.

There's a ton of people out there that enjoy SM and despise power exchange dynamics. There are some power exchange dynamics that are all about SM and some that don't include sex of any kind.

This particular forum has an abundance of submissive women posting and so it tends to leave us with very little variation. Most of the dominant men and women have moved on and the switches don't typically stand out as being either/or. It's also really easy to make assumptions about how one identifies. Also, submissive men aren't in short supply, but I don't see too many posting here very often.

I haven't read through the thread in a while, but I do have one called "What's your relationship?" That was meant to show that BDSM isn't always just about the d or the s, which at the time of creation seemed to be the only topics popping up. There might be some examples of people that enjoy both sides of the slash, but I really don't know off the top of my head.

As for choosing one or the other being confusing, I can't be any other way. I have no desire to be the top and switching just wouldn't work for me. It would leave me completely unfulfilled to take control. I get my jollies from pleasing another and doing what they want.

 

[Collar_N_Cuffs]

And don't forget about those who are submissive with some people, and dominant with others. Again, a switch, but slightly different in nature than those who switch back and forth within their relationship. This is me. Either someone invokes my sub or my domme side, though I can occasionally feel domme tendencies when I am the /s half of the relationship. Oddly, when I am the D, I feel no sub tendencies. All relationships are unique, and I cannot identify with a hefty 80 percent or so of what others have posted in this thread. So I would call all of this the tip of the iceberg, personally. But I'm probably out there...

 

[LadyVer]

Thanks, Ell and Meek. I'm not a naturally submissive woman, although on occasion I can be. And when I was younger, being submissive what was expected for women to be accepted and appreciated, especially in the South. So, what I have learned is that sex needs to be a mutual exchange of dominant and submissive roles, that where one partner has all the control, the relationship will not last. So, I'm wondering if too much emphasis is given to defined roles and that labels are not exactly helpful, as Meek was referring to.

 

[HisArpy]

So you like being pampered by your mother..ahem..girlfriend. Whatever floats your boat, but I don't get what this has to do with dominance.

It's simple. I am in charge, she is not. She knows this and yields to me because of it.

What you don't know or realize is that submission doesn't have to be because the submissive is a weak person. Nor is the Dom a pansy ass because he enjoys the submissive's company. I'd rather be with her than you, for example. She's prettier, smarter (Mensa) and refills my glass without me asking. That doesn't make me a momma's boy.

As for the rest, yes I'm a romantic. I believe that if I romance her every day she will always be there to see me come home. Is that such a bad thing?

 

[SpunThings]

Thanks. It made me more cynical and it broke up a friendship. I was more heartbroken over that than I was him.

In hindsight, the poly relationship was the lure; I was interested in exploring it and I genuinely liked the two other women in the "family."

Mostly, it opened my eyes to the fact the letters D and s don't elevate us to a more connected plane. And, it cemented the reality being the s doesn't absolve me from responsibility.

I agree so much with your last paragraph. I think maybe sometimes people say D/s is more elevated because it feels more elevated than vanilla to them. But to a vanilla person a d/s relationship could feel stifling, or overbearing, or overwhelming, or any other kind of negative thing. It's not the relationship style for them, so no amount of good negotiation and communication and trust will make it good for them. Just like for many people no amount of negotiation communication and trust will make a vanilla relationship feel good to them.

 

[SpunThings]

Thanks, Ell and Meek. I'm not a naturally submissive woman, although on occasion I can be. And when I was younger, being submissive what was expected for women to be accepted and appreciated, especially in the South. So, what I have learned is that sex needs to be a mutual exchange of dominant and submissive roles, that where one partner has all the control, the relationship will not last. So, I'm wondering if too much emphasis is given to defined roles and that labels are not exactly helpful, as Meek was referring to.

Actually there are people for whom a relationship where one person has all the control is preferred, with the right person. For some people the sex isn't the point at all. The dominant partner has the final say in all decisions. The difference between what you describe experiencing, and these kinds of relationships, is the factor of choice. The submissive gets to choose a relationship where he/she relinquishes all authority. Many who prefer that relationship dynamic spend a lot of time in the getting to know you phase, and don't dive right into total submission right away.

 

[Conager]

I mean no offense, but surely there has to be more to this than he has all the control and she submits accordingly. If I wanted that, I would get married again to another jackass. Again, no offense meant.

Sure. She could be in control.

Or, you could always opt for the modern egalitarian disaster where each avoids asserting control, because equality. Labor to consensus on every minor decison. . .


Or you could work on being a person worth someone taking responsibility for, or being a person capable of taking responsibility for another.

Lots of choices.

Both "in control" isn't really a valid one.

Asserting control doesn't make one a jackass any more than resisting control makes one a harpy bitch. No offense.

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]