Fighting for your Sub??

[InnocentBell]

Alright so ill cut to the chase. While I was introducing myself I started to think about something.

You see, I've been through many Doms for the same reason. My submission. I believe that a Domain should prove to me that they have the strength to handle me. I refuse to submit right away like most subs. Yes I am still kind and respectful. But say they tell me to bring a certain toy or get on a contraption, I just look at them with an innocent blank look on my face. Some just say forget it and some will just get it themselves and take where I sit.

Am I wrong for this?

Good or bad thoughts are welcomed.

 

[BehaviorMod]

I wouldn't say you are wrong, per se; in testing ones ability to Dominant or do what they claim they do well. I also wouldn't say you are wrong for safeguarding your submission against men/women who simply don't actually know what this lifestyle is about and only 'play' at being Dom or Domme.

The above example though seems a bit cocky, not respectful. If you are in a position where you are doing a 'scene' with a Dom in the first place, you should politely help that scene along by doing as instructed. Unless of course you WANT him to grab you by the hair and lead you to that position....if you like that whole being taken powerfully bit.

On the other hand, if you meant it in the regards of some random Dom giving you orders that you don't even know, nor do you consider a Dom just yet.....then you should totally give him that cute little innocent blank stare

So, to summarize; there is a marked difference between guarding your gift of submission for someone who can earn that gift; and being cocky and/or topping from the bottom, as it were, and guiding things to go a specific way. One would do wise to make sure those lines don't blend.

 

[eastern sun]

Alright so ill cut to the chase. While I was introducing myself I started to think about something.

You see, I've been through many Doms for the same reason. My submission. I believe that a Domain should prove to me that they have the strength to handle me. I refuse to submit right away like most subs. Yes I am still kind and respectful. But say they tell me to bring a certain toy or get on a contraption, I just look at them with an innocent blank look on my face. Some just say forget it and some will just get it themselves and take where I sit.

Am I wrong for this?

Good or bad thoughts are welcomed.

Just remember that if and when you find what you're looking for, you will have someone who is going to dominate you. Could be by force of will. Could be by overpowering you physically. Could be by hurting you. Could be by frightening you. Could be by shaming you, or manipulating you emotionally. Is that what you want?

If so, keep looking. I guarantee that there is someone out there who is stronger than you.

And the people who don't want to play your game will move on.

 

[DeepGreenEyes]

Just remember that if and when you find what you're looking for, you will have someone who is going to dominate you. Could be by force of will. Could be by overpowering you physically. Could be by hurting you. Could be by frightening you. Could be by shaming you, or manipulating you emotionally. Is that what you want?

If so, keep looking. I guarantee that there is someone out there who is stronger than you.

And the people who don't want to play your game will move on.

I think this is exactly it. The only wrong dynamic is the one that's not right for you.

 

[JMohegan]

Alright so ill cut to the chase. While I was introducing myself I started to think about something.

You see, I've been through many Doms for the same reason. My submission. I believe that a Domain should prove to me that they have the strength to handle me. I refuse to submit right away like most subs. Yes I am still kind and respectful. But say they tell me to bring a certain toy or get on a contraption, I just look at them with an innocent blank look on my face. Some just say forget it and some will just get it themselves and take where I sit.

Am I wrong for this?

Good or bad thoughts are welcomed.

My response to your refusal would be to smile politely and call a cab to take you home for the night.

I don't do make-me, because I don't respond well to commands.

 

[JMohegan]

I believe that a Domain should prove to me that they have the strength to handle me.

You have a curious view of what constitutes strength, but that aside, I applaud your commitment to selectivity.

Get to know the guy. Spend time assessing compatibility in terms of ethics, character, sense of humor, etc., as well as power dynamics.

 

[SeatWarmer]

Wasn't there a lady somewhat similar to this who was active here at one point...? Um. Ataxia girl, or something very close? Either prove full-on control is possible, or full-on submission would not be given. If I am remembering correctly, it at least means you're not alone in the basics of your approach.

Like DGE said, it's only wrong if it's not something you enjoy, but just be prepared to get what you asked for when you find someone who plays along to what you want.

 

[CutieMouse]

I refuse to submit right away like most subs.

They do?

There's a hell of a lot of gray area between blind, immediate submission and "prove it!"

 

[KoPilot]

They do?

There's a hell of a lot of gray area between blind, immediate submission and "prove it!"

Like bratting. Mmmm.

The sentiment, OP, is unfortunately terribly unpopular around here and I'm assuming the rest of the BDSM community as well.

 

[JMohegan]

Like bratting. Mmmm.

The sentiment, OP, is unfortunately terribly unpopular around here and I'm assuming the rest of the BDSM community as well.

In bratting, is "kind and respectful" + "innocent blank look" an effective trigger, i.e., behavior that produces the visceral flip side response?

If bratting is what she's into, maybe her attempts to conform to the brat-averse community's standards of behavior are counter-productive.

 

[seela]

I don't think there's anything wrong with what you enjoy. You seem to have a fair grasp on what makes you tick, so all you have to do is communicate with any potential partners about your needs and expectations (and their's) before you jump in.

There are at least 50 shades of submission (oh, snap). If someone is looking for a partner that readily submits and doesn't push back, then you're not a good match for them. If someone is looking for a partner that has to be forced, then you're a much better match for them. Be open about what it is that you're looking for. Meanwhile, maybe have a look at one of the many posts by Stella about the differences between bottoms and subs.

 

[KoPilot]

In bratting, is "kind and respectful" + "innocent blank look" an effective trigger, i.e., behavior that produces the visceral flip side response?

If bratting is what she's into, maybe her attempts to conform to the brat-averse community's standards of behavior are counter-productive.

What she's doing doesn't sound like bratting, but I just gave it as another example of something in that gray-area that gets people's panties in a twist so wonderfully. Of course, bratting isn't "gray" to me--it's just as legitimate as any other kind of submission, in my opinion--but it would certainly seem that way to most.

But OP sounds like she knows what she wants (as long as she understands there's no "right" or "wrong"), so as my husband would say: giv'er!

 

[InnocentBell]

Let me just say that I'm not "bratting". I simply want to weed out the posers. When I test my boundaries, I expect to be warned that ill be punished( and them actually mean it!). Not empty threats and looks. A Master or Mistress should control the situation and when a Sub needs to be punished they punish them.

Honestly do I want aDom to grab me by my hair and lead me to it? I'm absolutely fine with that.

Do I want to be smacked around and hurt(physically and emotionally)? No I do not. I've always made sure that the Dom I'm with at the time is aware of this. And it is definitely not tolerated with me and never will be. Period.

I hope you guys understand my intentions better now.

 

[InnocentBell]

You have a curious view of what constitutes strength, but that aside, I applaud your commitment to selectivity.

Get to know the guy. Spend time assessing compatibility in terms of ethics, character, sense of humor, etc., as well as power dynamics.

I simply believe when a Dom is in a science with a sub they should be in charge. Not the other way around. I do not mean just physical strength. I mean saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

 

[Stella_Omega]

I think you're looking for what I might call a slave owner. You don't want to do things because you want to do them for someone-- you want to do them because you're forced to. You want a relationship of authority, not a relationship of preference.

And there aren't many slave owner types out there-- not that can turn off the ownership when it isn't needed. It could be dicey IRL.

Personally, I don't have the energy to expend on "making" someone do something they actually want to do. Either they want it or not. If not-- we can go get a hamburger.

 

[subwannabe]

There are a lot of idiots, abusers, and sheisters out there. You have the perfect right to be selective in mates you choose just the same as vanilla people have the same right to be selective in their mates. Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you have to settle for Dom #1 who comes along and you just have to obey him and settle for whatever relationship you get just because they are the Dom and you are the Sub.

To me though I have to point out that maybe you're missing something in life by just searching out Doms and going from Dom to Dom. Wouldn't you like a long time marriage type relationship with someone who can give you both commitment, stability, and BDSM? So many people in this forum seem to just toss in the towel on getting greedy in a relationship and wanting it all. It can happen if you work at it. It doesn't have to be a choice of vanilla or BDSM. You can have both!

 

[CutieMouse]

Personally, I find this -

When I test my boundaries, I expect to be warned that i'll be punished( and them actually mean it!). Not empty threats and looks.

and this -

Do I want to be smacked around and hurt(physically and emotionally)? No I do not. I've always made sure that the Dom I'm with at the time is aware of this. And it is definitely not tolerated with me and never will be. Period.

to be somewhat contradictory and confusing.

You want to be punished if you "test your boundaries" (a lecture or stern look doesn't count), but won't tolerate being hurt physically or emotionally. I would argue that you have created a rather difficult situation for yourself [and/or future partners].

A Master or Mistress should control the situation and when a Sub needs to be punished they punish them.

Or, everyone could be grownups about the whole thing, agree XYZ "punishment" is actually part of kinky fun sex, and if/when issues arise - talk things out and come to an agreed upon solution.*





*I know... I know... boring as hell, aren't I?

 

[Stella_Omega]

You'll find, OP, that you'll get challenged like hell on this forum. Hopefully, if you can tolerate it, you'll figure out something you hadn't quite gotten prior. It's happened to me so many times here.

I'm suddenly curious ... how many times have you gone through this routine, with how many Doms?

 

[Redkate]

I cannot be submissive to all men or Doms. Even if they try and say they are Doms I just look at them and laugh. But sometimes I'll meet a guy and know somehow he is dominant and I don't feel the need to test him. I think it's because I've recognized him as a man who can handle me, or I feel is legitimate, and I then can willingly submit.

For me, that's being picky about my partners. And when I find one I like I don't fight him.

Maybe you haven't met the right Dom yet?

 

[InnocentBell]

There are a lot of idiots, abusers, and sheisters out there. You have the perfect right to be selective in mates you choose just the same as vanilla people have the same right to be selective in their mates. Just because you are a sub doesn't mean you have to settle for Dom #1 who comes along and you just have to obey him and settle for whatever relationship you get just because they are the Dom and you are the Sub.

To me though I have to point out that maybe you're missing something in life by just searching out Doms and going from Dom to Dom. Wouldn't you like a long time marriage type relationship with someone who can give you both commitment, stability, and BDSM? So many people in this forum seem to just toss in the towel on getting greedy in a relationship and wanting it all. It can happen if you work at it. It doesn't have to be a choice of vanilla or BDSM. You can have both!

Huh? I never really thought of that. I know I want to get married someday and I just figured I'd have to up the lifestyle for it. But thank you for opening my eyes on that subject. Ill definitely be remembering that.

 

[JMohegan]

I simply believe when a Dom is in a science with a sub they should be in charge. Not the other way around. I do not mean just physical strength. I mean saying what you mean and meaning what you say.

I agree completely.

Can you not see that *you* are trying to take charge in your opening post's test scenario? You are trying to manipulate the D's behavior with immobility and a vapid glance.

I don't see anything wrong with the relationship desires you've expressed. It's the test that I think is goofy.

 

[InnocentBell]

Personally, I find this -



and this -



to be somewhat contradictory and confusing.

You want to be punished if you "test your boundaries" (a lecture or stern look doesn't count), but won't tolerate being hurt physically or emotionally. I would argue that you have created a rather difficult situation for yourself [and/or future partners].



Or, everyone could be grownups about the whole thing, agree XYZ "punishment" is actually part of kinky fun sex, and if/when issues arise - talk things out and come to an agreed upon solution.*





*I know... I know... boring as hell, aren't I?

No. You are not getting it. I'm willing to be punished but the second I feel skin break or that your trying to seriously wound me, we have a problem. And trust me when I say I'm not afraid to speak up.

 

[InnocentBell]

I agree completely.

Can you not see that *you* are trying to take charge in your opening post's test scenario? You are trying to manipulate the D's behavior with immobility and a vapid glance.

I don't see anything wrong with the relationship desires you've expressed. It's the test that I think is goofy.

Yes I definitely admit my test is "goofy".

 

[Stella_Omega]

No. You are not getting it. I'm willing to be punished but the second I feel skin break or that your trying to seriously wound me, we have a problem. And trust me when I say I'm not afraid to speak up.

Those are called "limits" in common BDSm terminology, and are one of the practices that separate BDSM from abuse.

We all have them.


Babe-- I have a feeling you're trying to reinvent the wheel. How much experience do you actually have? What information have you gotten, and from where?

 

[Curious_in_Cali]

Do I need a sort of primal chest pounding growl and pinning to force me to comply... no, not at all. But is it hawt to experience sometimes? Absolutely.

I need to know that the aggressive side is there. I just do. If it is not obvious at first, part of me will just keep looking for it as I simply find aggressiveness to be quite attractive sexually regardless of gender. Have I ever felt intense attraction overall very early on and got impatient and poked to see if it is there? Sure. It isn't preferred of course, but it sure can give you an immediate answer and would hopefully be the start of a much deeper and more open conversation.

Aggressiveness to me is a very meaty expression of power, but can unfortunately be driven as much by insecurities as real confidence. Being able to decipher between these types is invaluable. Neither type is right or wrong in a universal sense but one will definitely be more right for you.

Sometimes you can sense that it is there without seeing/feeling/smelling it (Aggressive PYLdar?) but seeing/touching seems like it can be reassuring in the getting to know you stage. But, that aside, there are other ways to "test" the waters I think. Knowing that aggressive/dominant side is there and watching how it is controlled when challenged by all sorts of non sexual life speed bumps is quite telling. Patience is something that tends to require a lot of self control and is something I also tend to look for. Watching how someone treats themselves and their material possessions can also be quite telling of how they will ultimately and fundamentally treat you...particularly helpful insight if you want to actually become their possession I think.

Bottom line... If you are genuinely and honestly up front about who you are it will attract someone that is genuinely and honestly right for you. I think far too often we can get caught up in what is more universally accepted as "attractive" and focus our marketing there instead of trusting that to the right eye you sparkle on the shelf regardless. It is difficult to be open and raw about who you are and what you want/need sure, but then again love and relationships of all sorts are definitely not for the faint of heart.


My warmest of wishes that you find what you are looking for.