the marks of a slave

[eastern sun]

It is perhaps hard to believe but I have never compared my two Dominant's styles or "Domliness", both because they are in two totally different domains and levels (one being a Sadist and the other more of a Sensualist), but mostly because the two relationships are just different both in scope and time I can dedicate to them.

Yes, I might notice and get upset or dissatisfied with Hubby's shortcoming, but that is just part of a growing relationship and never for a moment I felt that I could get what I do not get from Hubby from someone else. Only Hubby can provide what Hubby can provide. If it makes any sense.

I just found out that it has been (and it is) more Hubby that compares himself with the Sadist and believes I don't need his style of Dominance. What came out from a discussion I had with him is it has been him that has not seen himself as Dominant due to lack of "Domly" activities. While I realized that deep inside, as I wrote above, submissive is just the way I am and feel within the marriage and it does not need any specific actions.

I have always suspected that you were smarter than me. This confirms it.

We reached the same conclusions you and your Hubby did in the end, but I had to learn it the hard way over a rocky, and somewhat treacherous, road. In the process, I discovered a very mean and dismissive side of me that I don't like at all.

 

[rida]

I have always suspected that you were smarter than me. This confirms it.

Thank you, but I'm not sure about it. For once I've not learned yet when it's time to keep my mouth shut about how much I'm the one hurting when he is not in the right mind frame to listen ...

 

[eastern sun]

Thank you, but I'm not sure about it. For once I've not learned yet when it's time to keep my mouth shut about how much I'm the one hurting when he is not in the right mind frame to listen ...

I walked into that one a couple days ago. He still isn't talking to me.

And I can't tell if I'm more uncomfortable with the fact that I'll have to change my behavior or glad to have a (hopefully temporary) break from the interactions.

We consistently have trouble with a certain moment in which he expresses his vulnerability. As he softens, the power vacuum triggers my aggressiveness, and I definitely don't offer him the type of experience he is hoping for. Instead, I turn it into a statement of how my needs have not been met, how much I'm hurting or disappointed. In other words, if he gives me an opening, I just might slam him, and I really want him to slam me right back. But that's not what he's looking for.

Honestly, I want him to be all-powerful with me. I recognize that he may not always feel that way in the world, and am happy to back him up in facing the outside circumstances; but in our interactions, I am sometimes really uncomfortable (and in sexual circumstances turned off) by his expressions of vulnerability.

I totally recognize that I need to change my attitude and behavior and figure out how to do this for him. And I even welcome the opportunity to grow in this area, but sometimes I wish I'd opted for a lifestyle where I could sit back and complain to my friends about my relationship and excuse myself from all responsibility.

Fortunately, just writing that sentence makes me glad that I haven't.

 

[Homburg]

Honestly, I want him to be all-powerful with me. I recognize that he may not always feel that way in the world, and am happy to back him up in facing the outside circumstances; but in our interactions, I am sometimes really uncomfortable (and in sexual circumstances turned off) by his expressions of vulnerability.

Vulnerability is a flaw.
Flaws make us imperfect. Human. Real.

If he lacked that vulnerability, you would be far more turned off by the false nature of whatever front he erected to hide vulnerability.

 

[rida]

I walked into that one a couple days ago. He still isn't talking to me.

And I can't tell if I'm more uncomfortable with the fact that I'll have to change my behavior or glad to have a (hopefully temporary) break from the interactions.

Yes. I feel the same way at times.

I feel bad that I upset him but, as you aptly put, I welcome the "break from the interaction". And then I feel bad for welcoming the break, and I get more upset. And if I'm not careful I end up projecting the new upset on him as well.

I've been trying to tell myself that I'm only human rolleyes and to use the break to regroup, recharge and then when ready to handle the dialogue, to go and apologize. Easier said than done ...

We consistently have trouble with a certain moment in which he expresses his vulnerability. As he softens, the power vacuum triggers my aggressiveness, and I definitely don't offer him the type of experience he is hoping for. Instead, I turn it into a statement of how my needs have not been met, how much I'm hurting or disappointed. In other words, if he gives me an opening, I just might slam him, and I really want him to slam me right back. But that's not what he's looking for.

Honestly, I want him to be all-powerful with me. I recognize that he may not always feel that way in the world, and am happy to back him up in facing the outside circumstances; but in our interactions, I am sometimes really uncomfortable (and in sexual circumstances turned off) by his expressions of vulnerability.

I totally recognize that I need to change my attitude and behavior and figure out how to do this for him. And I even welcome the opportunity to grow in this area, but sometimes I wish I'd opted for a lifestyle where I could sit back and complain to my friends about my relationship and excuse myself from all responsibility.

Fortunately, just writing that sentence makes me glad that I haven't.

Perhaps because the power exchange is still so young and somehow limited in my marriage, I do not expect him to be all powerful and in charge at all times. So him showing his vulnerability is mostly not a problem. I do not see vulnerability as a power vacuum. I actually see strength in being able to show your weakness and not be crushed by them.

But if I'm feeling worn out myself and in need of his strength and guidance, then if he gets all vulnerable on me, it is a sure way to turn me into an aggressive and accusatory bitch. He always turns the accusations around on me, and that makes me get even more aggressive, as if once you have triggered my aggression, it will not be sated until you admit your defeat.

The worse fight we have had are when we have both been struggling and stressed and rundown. We resent the other for being needy and we just blow up. Sometime it drags on for days. Sometime, we manage to cover it up for a couple of weeks until it boils over and blow up again.

Good think he is not sexual in those situations as I honestly don't know how I would react. Actually, I fear that in the midst of my own resentment, I would probably reject him. Something that I've not done in years, and something that in the way our marriage is now, would cause a huge problem.

 

[rida]

Vulnerability is a flaw.
Flaws make us imperfect. Human. Real.

If he lacked that vulnerability, you would be far more turned off by the false nature of whatever front he erected to hide vulnerability.

Vulnerability is not a problem. And even a front to hide it would not be a problem.

What really turns me off is lack of complexity.

 

[eastern sun]

Vulnerability is a flaw.
Flaws make us imperfect. Human. Real.

If he lacked that vulnerability, you would be far more turned off by the false nature of whatever front he erected to hide vulnerability.

I've been thinking about this, Homburg.

My first reaction was a knee-jerk defensiveness against your condemnation of perfectionism.

My second reaction was shame and contempt for my glaring perfectionist tendencies - which I totally own. I know where they come from, I know how much damage they have caused to both myself and others, I even know how and why I support their continued existence.

And then I had a new thought, which I've been examining off and on in the past couple of days. Because I actually like expressions and signs of vulnerability . . . in myself, in my children, in my friends, and in my husband. Those soft and tender moments draw out the nurturer in me. The caretaker that I am.

So, why is this particular moment so fraught with aggression? Because of its sexual nature. In my animal mind, sexual vulnerability elicits aggression. (It's as knee-jerk a response in me as my first defensive reaction to your post.) It's what I hope my own sexual vulnerabilities will elicit. A classic case of "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But . . .

It's not what he's looking for at all.

In order to give him what he's looking for, I am going to have to move beyond this reptile-brain aggression. He wants me to be able to generate the physical/emotional experience of his fantasy which doesn't include an aggressive me. Just a me he can't control.

 

[eastern sun]

The worse fight we have had are when we have both been struggling and stressed and rundown. We resent the other for being needy and we just blow up. Sometime it drags on for days. Sometime, we manage to cover it up for a couple of weeks until it boils over and blow up again.

Good think he is not sexual in those situations as I honestly don't know how I would react. Actually, I fear that in the midst of my own resentment, I would probably reject him. Something that I've not done in years, and something that in the way our marriage is now, would cause a huge problem.

We get like this, too. And I have rejected him sexually in those times. That's where he'll step in and just take what he wants anyway, or abandon me altogether (which is way worse).

Sometimes I think our relationship is just too damn unhealthy.

But I've looked around at other relationships - and ours a. still exists, b. offers us opportunities for sex, camaraderie, humor, sustenance, creativity and the continuity of a family, and c. survives the inevitable turbulence of life with some glimpses of growing maturity and spiritual insight in each of us.

Really, what more can you ask for?

 

[eastern sun]

Peace of mind.

(But I'm working on that. And the relationship gives me ample opportunities for practice. )

 

[Homburg]

I've been thinking about this, Homburg.

My first reaction was a knee-jerk defensiveness against your condemnation of perfectionism.

My second reaction was shame and contempt for my glaring perfectionist tendencies - which I totally own. I know where they come from, I know how much damage they have caused to both myself and others, I even know how and why I support their continued existence.

And then I had a new thought, which I've been examining off and on in the past couple of days. Because I actually like expressions and signs of vulnerability . . . in myself, in my children, in my friends, and in my husband. Those soft and tender moments draw out the nurturer in me. The caretaker that I am.

So, why is this particular moment so fraught with aggression? Because of its sexual nature. In my animal mind, sexual vulnerability elicits aggression. (It's as knee-jerk a response in me as my first defensive reaction to your post.) It's what I hope my own sexual vulnerabilities will elicit. A classic case of "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." But . . .

It's not what he's looking for at all.

In order to give him what he's looking for, I am going to have to move beyond this reptile-brain aggression. He wants me to be able to generate the physical/emotional experience of his fantasy which doesn't include an aggressive me. Just a me he can't control.

I have no real comment to make here aside from saying that I find this sort of introspection, self-awareness, and self-honesty incredibly attractive.

 

[eastern sun]

I have no real comment to make here aside from saying that I find this sort of introspection, self-awareness, and self-honesty incredibly attractive.

Thank you. For both the compliment, and the opportunity to earn it.

 

[Homburg]

You are welcome, ES.

 

[intothewoods]

Part of me feels a little dead inside lately. I don't think I'm suddenly not submissive, but I'm just having difficulty feeling very passionate about anything.

Oddly enough, I don't think I'm being any less attentive or obedient. Actually, when I'm really feeling an overwhelming desire to serve, I think he finds me a little annoying. Like it's more about me than pleasing him. I think he really digs it when I do what I'm told even when I'm not feeling it.

Anyway, I just wish I felt a little more connected to myself.

Do any of you have any advice for getting through that "stuck" feeling?

 

[eastern sun]

Part of me feels a little dead inside lately. I don't think I'm suddenly not submissive, but I'm just having difficulty feeling very passionate about anything.

Oddly enough, I don't think I'm being any less attentive or obedient. Actually, when I'm really feeling an overwhelming desire to serve, I think he finds me a little annoying. Like it's more about me than pleasing him. I think he really digs it when I do what I'm told even when I'm not feeling it.

Anyway, I just wish I felt a little more connected to myself.

Do any of you have any advice for getting through that "stuck" feeling?

I can relate to this. A lot.

Here's my take on it, but take it for what it's worth. . .

1. We all cycle through these feelings about everything we do. So whatever has worked for you in the past, when you've felt disconnected from your work or your faith or your child, might work for you now. (In my life, I've used meditation and twelve-step meetings to reconnect, but I think it's a highly individual matter.)

2. When I feel disconnected from myself, I need to make things really simple, and take care of one small thing at a time. It has amazed me to settle down and realize that what I really need is simply a drink of water. I also need to spend a lot of time noticing the beauty and life in the natural world around me - the sky, the sun, the flowers, the birds.

If I can start to feel a sense of gratitude and wonder for the things I usually take for granted, my perceived need for the bigger pleasures in life feels less pressing.

3. Recognizing that being "stuck" is part of a cycle, you can experience it without getting more "stuck" in being "stuck." In other words - I feel like this today, but I know I'm not going to feel like this some time in the future. (Of course, we worry then that we'll feel worse, but that's just the way our minds work.)

That's where the routines help, in my experience. I can do the dishes and the laundry full of passion and completely dead inside, full of generosity or full of resentment, paying attention to every dish or lost in thought. If I just keep doing the dishes every day I can experience the wide range of experiences that life offers.

4. The biggest trap I've fallen into is blame and resentment. When I hold outside circumstances responsible for how I feel inside.

Outside circumstances may, in fact, have a lot to do with how you feel, but even if you discover something - some activity, some person - that excites your passion and wakes you up and lifts your spirits, you will eventually come back to this place again.

5. Enjoy the odd moments. Yesterday, I was completely exhausted and had a splitting headache so I went and laid down. He joined me, and within a few minutes I was giving him a handjob. Still feeling like shit, I had very little to offer, but I discovered that the exact same wrist motions I use to whip cream satisfied him completely.

Obviously I don't need to feel passion to serve. And, as you mentioned, a lot of times, he is even more pleased when I just give him what he wants without a lot of extra energy attached.

But that's going to cycle too. And without question, another day will come when I'm kneeling at his feet with my hands on his knees and my overeager tongue hanging out, and all he'll be interested in is what's on t.v.

 

[intothewoods]

Thank you, eastern sun. I find this very helpful. It comes and it goes. That's the weird thing. But I like the idea of focusing on one thing at a time. I think that might help a lot.

 

[rida]

Actually, when I'm really feeling an overwhelming desire to serve, I think he finds me a little annoying.

And without question, another day will come when I'm kneeling at his feet with my hands on his knees and my overeager tongue hanging out, and all he'll be interested in is what's on t.v.

LOL!

Been there, done that and been sent away with a "not now".


As for being stuck ... I'm stuck in stuckville and I want to sleep until things get unstuck.
So I too will follow the advice of focusing on one thing and one day at the time. And go marvel at the beauty of the cherry blossom (perhaps with the help of a drink or two ).

 

[subsarah1989]

erotic

collars are a wonderful sign...maybe not a mark...but still beautiful...visually and in mind

 

[eastern sun]

collars are a wonderful sign...maybe not a mark...but still beautiful...visually and in mind

What kind of collar do you want? What do you want it to mean?

 

[subsarah1989]

What kind of collar do you want? What do you want it to mean?

two kinds...one for home one for going out...same meaning different purposes

 

[eastern sun]

two kinds...one for home one for going out...same meaning different purposes

I have a group of necklaces, and one anklet, that all carry different meanings. Sometimes I wear more than one when my allegiance is layered. I also have a velvet rope collar made to sleep in, and a leather collar with chains and clamps, but they're both uncomfortable so I don't particularly like having to wear them for extended periods of time. (I'm a total wuss. When I first got into this, I thought I'd like to wear butt plugs all day, too.)

 

[GoldunAngel]

I have a group of necklaces, and one anklet, that all carry different meanings. Sometimes I wear more than one when my allegiance is layered. I also have a velvet rope collar made to sleep in, and a leather collar with chains and clamps, but they're both uncomfortable so I don't particularly like having to wear them for extended periods of time. (I'm a total wuss. When I first got into this, I thought I'd like to wear butt plugs all day, too.)

Eastern Sun I'm new here, but I love your thread. I've learned and see things in many different perspectives.

two kinds...one for home one for going out...same meaning different purposes

I totally understand you. I have two! For the same exact reason. One for work and one for the bedroom...

 

[subsarah1989]

Eastern Sun I'm new here, but I love your thread. I've learned and see things in many different perspectives.



I totally understand you. I have two! For the same exact reason. One for work and one for the bedroom...

i can't say i have any...i dream of one day earning them

 

[Lizzie_Borden]

collars are a wonderful sign...maybe not a mark...but still beautiful...visually and in mind

I don't mind the collar for playtime... but as for signs and symbols, there's nothing I like more than his marks on my skin. Or when he takes out the permament marker and just writes "Mine"

It thrills me, every time I see it.

 

[eastern sun]

I don't mind the collar for playtime... but as for signs and symbols, there's nothing I like more than his marks on my skin. Or when he takes out the permament marker and just writes "Mine"

It thrills me, every time I see it.

One of my great unfulfilled fantasies is to have a certain friend of mine write his erotic poetry on me.

 

[leatherbottomboy]

my Master rules my world. Everything i do is a direct reflection of His abilities as my Master. He has a very defined idea of what a slave should be and do. i never look Him in the eyes except in bed, i always walk three steps behind Him on His right side, i never speak unless He allows me to, i am always attentive to His needs. Without Him i would be unable to function. i wear His collar proudly.