Zoe Ch. 01 - Elliot_J - My first submission.

[Elliot_J]

Hi all!

I have recently uploaded the first chapter of my story in the fetish category (Fem-dom story).

www.literotica.com/s/zoe-ch-01-1

This is my first attempt at erotic writing and I would be very grateful if anyone could spare the time to read my story (hopefully you'll enjoy it!) and provide some feedback to help improve it and subsequent chapters.

I've got two more chapters pretty much ready to go. This chapter is a bit tamer than the later ones will be.

I'm really keen to get peoples feedback around:

- The main characters.
- Does the chapter make you want to read more?
- The pace of the story.
- Do Leo's imaginations work?
- Any errors you spot or opportunities for improvement.

Thanks!

 

[robertreams]

Hi: Just a few things. Your story is pretty readable, but kinda slow. First off, you need more of a zinger to start us off. First thing is, use his name instead of starting with "his". Use her name as soon as possible. You start the image of the white triangle but don't finish it until several paragraphs later. The picture of her sitting with her feet tucked up under her ass and her white triangle showing is sexy, a good start, then should come her description. I know it is a UK thing but couldn't you say ass or arse instead of "bum". I think Americans would see the word as cute.

Next, you need to trim some fat

(As h) He steeled himself, procrastinated, shuffled his papers, (to call out to her from behind his desk he) Why on earth should he feel nervous talking to a student? (It felt ridiculous to him as he He was about to) Finally looking up, (up to the students beginning to empty their seats when) he saw a pair of bright white shoes (enter (the top of) his vision), the toes (of the shoe curved and recessed showing the top of her feet, slightly) strained by (the angle of her foot elevated forcefully by) a thin four inch heel. The pale (white) skin of her legs (uninterrupted by tights today) is broken by a thigh length black summer dress, patterned around the hem to allow light (to penetrate the pattern in the fabric through) The waist (of the dress) is cinched (pulled in tightly) buy a thin fabric tie that floats gently down her front. (the dress rises to cup) Her breasts are supported in the diaphanous fabric only by thin shoulder straps.

You have a tendency to qualify everything with 'almost", "just" nearly, etc what this does is show your hesitancy as a writer. cut them all ruthlessly out. Also a tendency to redundancy, e.g. pale white. You do not need quite so many adjectives and adverbs. Rather choose them carefully and scatter them like shining gems. Make each one count.

He could see the white triangle of her knickers peering through her thin black tights as he spoke to the swathe (this word means to wrap in layers of cloth) of eyes before him. He quickly( looked away to regain his composure, being sure to) made eye contact with various young men and women( in the group to ensure he) to keep them (himself?) focused and engaged. (on the lecture.) The lecture hall had bare white walls and (topped with) a gray ceiling ( that mirrored the gentle rake of the room the) its only blemish, a (on it was) powerful projector affixed to a single black pole. (used to affix a) (I question whether you even need a description of the room unless it is going to be important later.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

It sux a lot. Cull the passive verbs and the adverbs, and use them in the speech of passive characters.

 

[Elliot_J]

Thanks for taking the time to provide some feedback Robert. I will try and implement your points.

 

[DreamCloud]

You use to many words to get your ideas across. Your first paragraph was trying to accomplish too much. I think you wanted to introduce us to a distracted teacher. Why throw in an unrelated description of the classroom - draw the description into your main idea.


The white triangle of her knickers bleeding through her black tights caused him to lose his thoughts. He quickly looked away, forcing his eyes skyward, toward the grey ceiling where a single black pole held a suspended projector. Without the tempting triangle, his mind returned to the lesson. His composure rebuilt, he continued the lecture making eye contact with the other students to keep them engaged.